Warning:
mentions of child abuse/domestic violence, torture, suicide, self-hate
A/N:
features my headcanon that Sev committed suicide after Lily died, thus can be considered AU
Disclaimer:
Everything, that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.
The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.
Coward
Severus Snape sat down. His hands were still shaking. He had killed him. He had killed Albus Dumbledore. The only man who had given him a second chance. The only man who had trusted him. It had been a craven act, murdering a weakened, unarmed man.
Coward, Potter had called him. He had always refused to be called that, had always denied that it might be true. 'Kill me, then. Kill me like you killed him, you coward -' The words rang in his ears. Was Potter right, was he really such a coward?
As long as he could remember he had always taken the pain for others.
It had started just a few weeks after his sixth birthday. He had been barely old enough to understand what was going on in his house. That it wasn't normal for his father to beat him senseless every day. But it wasn't his own health that bothered him, it was his mother's. She appeared so tired, so ill. Helpless. He couldn't bare her being the target of his father's wrath, even at six years old. So he'd taken it for her. He had been in the living room as soon as his father came home. He had stood between him and his mother. He had even provoked him when he didn't know how else to distract him from her, no matter how much he feared that man's wrath.
Were those the acts of a coward?
Later it hadn't been his mother he protected. It had been his victims. Those the Dark Lord wanted him to kill. He didn't spare them. But he didn't hurt them unnecessarily either. That was the only mercy he could show them, though. If he didn't kill them, his fellow Death Eaters would. And they enjoyed torturing their targets, letting them suffer for hours, until they begged for death. The thought alone made him sick. He much rather endured the punishment at his master's hands he received for letting those people go gently. Again, he took the pain so others wouldn't suffer.
Were those the acts of a coward?
When he'd started spying for the Order of the Phoenix, he had known the danger. Should he be discovered, he would face certain death. And not the easy, gentle kind he had granted his victims. It would be painful, hours of torture, hours of unimaginable agony. There would be no mercy for a traitor. Even when he wasn't discovered, he was still tortured. He still felt the Cruciatus Curse. Not that anyone cared. The Death Eaters were glad, relieved it wasn't them, the Order didn't trust or like him enough to feel sympathy for him. He didn't expect them to. He had done too many terrible things to deserve any better. So he took the pain, the mistrust, the disgusted looks, the snide remarks. He took it, silently, and didn't ask for anything in return.
Were those the acts of a coward?
No, probably not. But he wasn't innocent, he had murdered people, after all. So what were these small acts compared to the other, much graver, things he had done?
Had he ever questioned what his housemates told him about the Dark Lord? Had he ever considered that not all his goals were right? No, he had let his hate for his father guide him, blind him. He hated muggles because of him, because of his classmates in primary school. He hadn't taken into consideration that not all muggles could be like this, Lily's parents weren't like this, for a start. But he had been enthralled by the Dark Lord's vision, not caring if it was right or wrong. He had made the easy choice. The choice that wouldn't force him to stand up to his housemates. The choice that wouldn't force him to rethink his life, what he thought to be true.
He had made the choice of a coward and joined the Death Eaters.
When Lily had died, he had been devastated. But instead of facing his grief, he had been weak again. He couldn't live without her, didn't want to live without her. It had taken another man, one he had come to dislike, come to hate, in his school days, to show him there was a way. But only after he had been so gutless as to rather die than live alone, knowing the love of his life was definitely gone, not there to spread happiness ever again. Not only for him, but now for everyone else as well.
He had made the choice of a coward and committed suicide.
He hated children. He hated teaching. And he certainly hated the combination of both. But rather than shove it aside, restrain himself, or ask Dumbledore for another position, he had let it show. He had let the students know he hated them. He had turned into a bully, the exact kind of person he never wanted to be. All to keep them away from him, he had told himself. But it wasn't entirely true. It wasn't right. And he hadn't bothered changing this. At least he didn't beat them, he had tried to justify his actions to himself. It didn't matter in the end.
He had made the choice of a coward and let his hate get the better of him.
He had promised Dumbledore to grant him a quick, painless death. Had promised to spare Draco the guilt of having killed a man. He hadn't thought it would come down to this. Facing Dumbledore in a weakened state, already disarmed. It would have been easier if the old man at least stood a chance of fighting back. Instead he was forced to do what he had intended to never repeat: kill a defenceless person. There had been no way to change the situation once he stood there, surrounded by Death Eaters. But still...
He had made the choice of a coward and killed an unarmed man.
Severus Snape knew he was a coward. And he hated himself for that.