RFSP episode #101
Golf Isn't So Bad
Chapter 1-The seemingly bad beginning
A/N: OK…just going to get this out of the way first. RFSP stands for "Rad Fanon South Park" because I seriously couldn't think of a less stupid/cheesy name…but whatever. RFSP is going to be my own collection of South Park stories, told in 3rd person POV. You may have noticed that I labeled this as episode #101. Why? Well for those who don't know, the first "1" is the season number and the "01" is the episode number of that season. This method is commonly used in TV shows all the time. But anyways, I currently plan to have at least 2 seasons of RFSP.
So the RFSP series premiere is called "Golf isn't so bad" and it is part 1 of a 4 part episode. Please take note that RFSP takes place in a separate continuity from my other current story "Worlds Collide" as well as any future stories I write, unless I state otherwise. RFSP will also introduce Dylan Scralp, my OC from "Worlds Collide" that I am now giving a last name.
When does this episode of RFSP take place? Due to the original idea for this story, "Golf isn't so bad" takes place 2½ months after the events of South Park: The Stick of Truth. (That is, assuming the game takes place in the month it was released, which was March 2014.) So yeah, as great as Season 18 was, RFSP treats Season 18 and beyond as non-cannon, unless stated otherwise. And anything Kenny says, unless he's unhooded, will be written in parentheses, to indicate his muffled voice.
And of course the usual legal crap:
I don't own South Park or any of its characters and scenarios. I only own my OC's. Anything mentioned in this story I don't own are owned by their respective owners. Anything South Park related, besides my OC's, are owned by Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Comedy Central, etc.
With all that said, please enjoy the first chapter of the four part series premiere of Rad Fanon South Park!
Golf Isn't So Bad
Synopsis: Unbeknownst to everyone but the mayor, South Park was entered into a sweepstakes to earn free admission to the 2014 American Golf Association, or AGA, Men's and Women's Finals in Nexton, North Carolina. The sudden announcement that South Park somehow won seems to excite everyone…except for a certain South Park mother…and a certain Nexton teenager.
The day couldn't have started any more normal for Eric Theodore Cartman.
It was nearing the end of the school day. Cartman and his friends had returned from one of their elective classes and were at their lockers before heading off to Mr. Garrison's class for the last time of the day. But Cartman was walking to his locker when he happened to think of a "Yo Mama" joke he felt like telling Kenny.
"Hey, hey Kenny!"
The boy in the orange parka turned around to hear what unimportant thing Cartman likely had to say.
("What?")
"Kenny, yo mama is so poor-!"
Immediately angered, Kenny punched Cartman in the arm.
("Shut the fuck up fat ass!")
"I didn't even say the whole thing!"
That's when the most gullible kid in all of South Park walked up to the two holding a plastic bag with what appeared to be small crudely-made berries inside.
"Hey fellas!"
The two immediately stopped bickering and faced Butters.
"Eric I think I'm doing something wrong."
Being well aware of what Butters was talking about, Cartman and Kenny tried very hard not to laugh.
"What's happening Butters?"
"Well, uh, I was following that map you gave me that leads to the place where those magical rabbits live, but all I found were these berries!"
"I know what's going wrong."
"What?"
"You're forgetting one crucial step Butters. You have to follow the instructions on the back of the map!"
"Really? Thanks Eric!"
Once Butters was out of earshot, Cartman and Kenny burst out in laughter.
("Dude what are those "berries" made of!?")
"You don't want to know!"
("What are the instructions!?")
"You don't want to know that either!" yelled Cartman in between fits of laughter.
As the two were having a hysterical meltdown, Kyle and Stan met up with them.
"Oh God, what are you doing to Butters now Cartman?" Kyle asked.
"Nothing a Jew would find funny!"
Kyle just rolled his eyes. Once the four started to make their way to Mr. Garrison's room, Kenny noticed Stan had a somewhat angry look in his eyes.
("One month later, and you're still pissed off?")
"Who knew Wendy could be such a bitch?" Stan replied.
As soon as Kyle heard this he retaliated with "If you hate her that much, then why the fuck are you with Bebe now?"
"So?"
"Yeah!"
As everyone knew by now, Stan and Wendy had gotten into a HUGE argument right in the middle of the hallway one month earlier. Long story short, the two broke up and have been very hateful towards each other since. And since that left them both single, Bebe suddenly became attracted to Stan, and the two started dating shortly after. Naturally, Wendy felt a little angry and betrayed that Bebe would even think about going out with someone she hated as much as Stan, especially since it was her ex-boyfriend of all people. But when she confronted her about this, Bebe admitted she really had feelings for him, which made Wendy decide that she just needed to move on from Stan completely. Bebe promised to not have Stan with her when she was near Wendy, and well, that basically did it.
But if there was one person more stunned about Stan and Bebe being a couple then Wendy, it was Kyle. Naturally, Kyle had no idea just why the fuck Stan would want to spend time with the best friend of someone he now had a deep loathing for, and he often questioned Stan about it, to which Stan would make some pathetic answer to shut Kyle up about it.
A few seconds later, the four boys arrived at Mr. Garrison's classroom and they took their seats. Once Mr. Garrison entered and quieted the small talk, Mr. Mackey's voice came on the loudspeaker.
"Attention everyone!"
"Oh what now?" said a sarcastic Mr. Garrison.
"Please make your way to the gymnasium immediately for an important announcement m'kay."
"Alright then. C'mon class, let's head to the gym."
As the class filed out of the room to head to the gym, Stan and Bebe met up and walked there holding hands…which caused Wendy to snarl, causing Stan to flip her off and keep walking.
As it turned out, what appeared to be the entire town had made their way to the gym for this special announcement. Stan and co. decided to sit near their parents, and Bebe stayed with him.
"Hey son!" Randy said once he caught sight of Stan and Bebe.
"Dad what are we all doing here?"
"Beats me. But it was apparently important enough to require the whole town being here."
"From what I could tell, it's the president of the AGA." Sharon added.
Sitting two rows behind them, Cartman had found his mother.
"What the hell is the AGA?"
"The American Golf Association." Sharon answered.
This suddenly caused Liane Cartman to appear very anxious, but nobody else noticed.
"Golf!?" replied Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny all at once.
"Who gives two shits about golf around here!?"
"Eric!" Liane scolded her son.
A man sporting black hair, glasses, and a business suit walked onto the stage that had been set in the middle of the room.
"Good afternoon South Park, Colorado! My name is Shelton J. Davenport Jr. and I am the president of the American Golf Association!"
Liane gasped out of sudden fear as everyone else gave him a round of welcoming applause.
"I'm so glad that I could grace each and every one of you here today with my presence, as I have a very exciting announcement to make! As you may know, the annual AGA Men's and Women's Finals are held back to back each year at the same location. But this year, the AGA held a free admission sweepstakes for any town that wished to enter."
"We don't care."
"And-what?"
"Uh, last time I checked, nobody here plays golf because it's pretty stupid" Stan explained.
"Stanley!" Sharon scolded.
"Golf is a lame ass sport for sex addicts who later throw their backs out before they turn 40!" Kyle added.
As Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny laughed at what Kyle said, nobody noticed that Davenport had his teeth gritted and his brow furrowed out of anger.
After calming down a bit Davenport asked Stan "If nobody here cares about golf, then explain how YOUR mayor entered YOUR town into the sweepstakes!"
All eyes then turned towards Mayor McDaniels, since nobody but her knew.
"What? Seemed like a fun idea to me." The mayor answered.
Davenport continued: "Anyway, South Park was in fact entered into the sweepstakes and guess what? You guys won!"
After a few awkward seconds of silence, everyone in the room started cheering, save for Liane who let out another gasp.
"We've got a few merchandise tables set up outside for those that want to go to the tournament in style! But other than that, get yourselves ready, because in a few days you're all headed to Nexton, North Carolina!"
That last part mad everyone cheer louder, except for Liane who just silently murmured "Oh no!"
Just mere moments later, crowds had gathered outside to buy some AGA merchandise, some of which appeared to be slightly overpriced, but nobody seemed to care.
Stan and Bebe walked outside and grabbed a small brochure on the tournament and on Nexton itself.
"It says here that North Carolina is two time zones ahead of us!"
"Boy that'll take a while to get used to!" Stan replied. "But I still don't get it. Since when does anybody hear really like golf?"
"I guess those days are over now Stan."
Kyle had walked up to the two sporting some new AGA merchandise he had just bought.
"You actually bought that?"
"Yeah I thought it looked kind of neat dude!"
"But I thought golf was stupid?"
"We used to! But think about this Stan! We've been to lots of places before, but never to where were about to go! Just think…Nexton, North Carolina!"
"But I've never even heard of that place! And what the fuck is a 'Nexton'?"
"I don't know but I think it's got a nice ring to it!"
"Yeah…yeah you're right Kyle! Suddenly this is exciting!" Bebe's smile indicated she agreed.
Meanwhile Cartman and Kenny were in line to get some merchandise.
"You know…it's really a shame Kenny."
("What?")
"It's a damn shame you're too poor to afford any of this great stuff!"
As Kenny furrowed his brow in anger, a still nervous Liane approached her son.
"Eric sweetie…I don't think you need any of this stuff."
"But mem!" Cartman protested. "I have to look cool like everyone else!"
"Well…alright then."
She ran off looking just as anxious as before.
Later that night, Butters was in his room with the "berries" and was about to start doing what the instructions on the back of the map Cartman gave him told him to do. What he didn't know is that Cartman was spying on him through his Cartman's bedroom window via a pair of binoculars.
Cartman watched as Butters read the instructions and then pull his pants down. He started to chuckle knowing that so far, Butters was falling for it.
As Butters' luck would have it, right when he was attempting to perform the most *ahem* gruesome part, Stephen knocked on the door asking Butters if he was packing.
"Uh…sure Dad!"
The door opened. "Butters what-AHH BUTTERS WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!"
"Its how I find magical rabbits Dad!" Butters answered as he kept doing what he was doing.
Stephen furiously took the berries away from him. "BUTTERS! What the hell were you doing with these!?"
"Uh…well…but.-"
"No buts Butters! You're grounded!"
Stephen left the room and slammed the door only to open it back up a second later and say "After we get back from the golf tournament!"
"Ah hamburgers…."
Once all the events had unfolded, Cartman doubled over in severe fits of laughter.
"AHAHAHA! That dumb ass walked right into that one! HAHAHAHHA! He doesn't even know what those 'berries' really are! HAHAHAHA!"
Later that night, Cartman was downstairs watching the Terrance and Phillip show. It appeared that Terrance was a hotel front desk man for this sketch. Phillip walked up and spoke first.
"Hello sir! Do you have any rooms available in this fine hotel?"
"Hmm let me check the records…ah yes we have one room left!"
"Which one?"
"That would be room number.-"
Terrance cut himself off with a really long fart, to which the pair responded with their trademark laugh.
"Do you offer continental breakfast?"
"We sure do buddy! We have a buffet filled with *fart* and some *fart* and a whole lot of.-"
Again Terrance cut himself off with a really long fart, and again the pair laughed. A few moments later, Liane entered the room and actually started to watch Terrance and Phillip with him.
"Uh…mom?"
"Yes hon?"
"You're watching Terrance and Phillip?"
"Is it a problem sweetie?"
"Not really, but why are you doing it now?"
"Uh…no reason."
Liane got up and turned the TV off and sat down on the couch next to Cartman.
"Eric, um…we need to talk…about this golf thing we're all going to."
"OK what?"
"Well…you see…I'm worried about it."
"How come? Everyone'll be there."
"Yes but I mean you in particular. Eric, I want you to promise me something."
"What?"
"Promise me that if you meet anyone you don't know in the slightest, and I mean ANYONE, that you won't give out our last name."
"What for?"
"It's just that…well I mean; we are going to a new town aren't we? We need to take precautions like this!"
"Yeah mom, whatever, I promise."
While that was happening at the Cartman residence, Kyle was busy in his room packing, when his doorbell suddenly rang. Kyle went downstairs and opened the door…and was quite surprised to find Wendy of all people waiting there.
"Wendy?"
"Do you have a minute?"
"Sure, come on in."
The two sat down on the couch and Wendy explained why she was there.
"Kyle, you're Stan's best friend. I need some advice."
"About what? You've already broken up. Are you jealous that he's with Bebe?"
"No, it's just…I feel like I haven't completely moved on from him and you know him better than I do and so I came to you."
"Um…maybe you can just flat out ignore him?"
"That's kind of what I've been doing."
"Well…that's the best I can tell you. I'm not really good with romantic advice. Sorry."
"Well…thanks for trying anyway."
Wendy got up off the couch and started to leave, but Kyle had one more question for her.
"Do you have any idea what this…Nexton place is like?"
"I did a little research on it earlier. From what I could tell, it's somewhat big on golf and it's hosted several other tournaments before. But if that's the case, then as far as this tournament is concerned, I'm sure there are plenty of people just now waking up to it."
Two time zones east of South Park, a 17 year-old brown-haired boy was sound asleep in his room at his house in Nexton, North Carolina.
Scralp. Dylan Scralp was his name. One might think Scralp was just a nickname, considering how his head often had somewhat mild amounts of dandruff in it. But no, Scralp was his last name, and it was one that Dylan always thought kicked ass. Who wouldn't think that was a cool last name?
His bedside alarm clock then read 7:00 A.M. and started buzzing. Dylan started to wake up a bit, trying to connect his hand with the snooze button of his alarm clock. Once he did, he got up out of bed and turned the alarm off. Flakes of dandruff and loose hairs had stuck to his pillow, but it was a small enough amount that one wouldn't be able to tell if they were standing only 4 feet away.
Besides the kick-ass last name, Dylan was also very proud of his small moustache. The moustache had suddenly appeared one day just one month into 7th grade, when he was only 12 years old. Back then he was the only person he knew that had gotten one, and even now he only saw a moustache on about 15% of his male classmates. 7th grade was also his growth spurt, as he had grown about 4 inches that year. By the end of 7th grade he stood tall at 5' 5" while about 70% of the kids in his grade hadn't caught quite up to him. Now he measured 5' 9¾" and while his moustache hadn't grown much harrier since first getting it, it was still, for his age, quite awesome. His height and early moustache were always two of his bragging rights.
He got up out of bed, in his underwear I might add, and walked over to his dresser and picked out a green short sleeved T-shirt. He then walked over to his closet, opened it up, and picked out the pair of athletic shorts with the 2 small orange stripes on each side. Dylan certainly wasn't athletic, hell no, but the material of those shorts was what he liked to wear the most since middle school.
He walked out to the living room, where he plopped down on a chair and tried to wake up. Soon after, his mother, Sonja Scralp, came out into the living room. Sonja bore neck-length brown curly hair. When she came out, she was already awake.
"Good morning Dylan!"
"Huh? Oh…good morning mom." Answered a half-awake Dylan.
Dylan got up and walked over to the kitchen counter and made the first part of his breakfast: A glass of orange juice. Today was his U.S. History final exam, so he had to make sure he had a proper breakfast with all the essentials.
Sonja tossed a copy of that day's edition of the local newspaper.
"It says who won that AGA free admission sweepstakes."
Reading aloud in a whisper voice: "South Park, Colorado wins free admission sweepstakes to 2014 AGA finals." "Hm. Well, good for them."
Dylan took a sip of orange juice…only to spit it out into the sink a second later out of total and sudden shock.
"WAIT, WHAT!?"
"Everything OK?" asked Sonja.
"Er…yeah. Just a little…um…shocked that they of all people won."
Dylan instantly realized what South Park coming to Nexton meant. He was starting to quietly freak out over the potential danger that was very likely to happen. He checked his phone and sure enough there was one unread text message sent the night before.
We have a problem. BIG problem. The AGA is sending us all to Nexton. Should we call in the others? -L.
Dylan immediately responded.
Yeah, I just heard. No, I don't think we need the others. I'll let my group handle this. I'll do whatever I can to make sure none of you get here. -D.
A/N: So what do you think? Do you like the way this story's headed so far? Please leave a review with suggestions and feedback!