Forever

by Tacroy

I would want to show you all the scars from every time I tried to kill myself. But they just heal."

She lays quiet in bed. The room is dark. Much darker than it used to be. She hears his breaths, but she doesn't know if they really are there. She imagines so much. She can feel the heat from his body. Feel the weight of him on the madras. But it can just as easy be a fantasy. Her brain has a tendency to torment her with that kind of fantasies. She freezes. It's cold. She takes her hand to her forehead and feels the sweat. She pulls the cover closer to her body. The chill goes through her bones. Next to her on the pillow lays the teddy bear. It's the last thing she has left from the world she once knew. A world that's long gone. She takes it in her arms and squeezes it hard. Tries to hold on to what was once safe and sound. He buries her nose in it. Breaths in what was once home. She feels so lost. She whispers to the bear. Whispers about the pain. That it hurts to live. She may be indestructible, but she can always feel pain. She wants the bear to comfort her. But it's just a bear. She squeezes it hard. Clings to it. A lifeline in a confusing world. She doesn't understand what's happening. There's a lot that she doesn't understand. The only thing she really understands is pain. And sometimes she doesn't even know if that's real. She's started crying. She hasn't noticed it, but the bear is damp. So she must have been crying for a while. A hand lays down on her shoulder. She thinks that it's there. She can feel it, but how can she be sure. She's felt it before, but when she'd turn around no one was there. She doesn't dare to turn around. She's afraid that it's only her, all alone. That her brain plays tricks on her. But the hand is warm. Maybe it's really there.

- You're crying.

It's different voice. Not her own. Not the bears. Someone else's. He's not asking. He's establishing. She doesn't have to say a thing. He understands her. They're so alike. He understands her pain, cause he himself has lived through it. He grabs her harder. Pulls her closer. She feels his heat against her back. He's safe. He's warm. He's there. He holds her tight. Won't let go. He'll protect her. He holds her close. Far away from a world that she doesn't understands. But she won't stop crying. She can't. She thought her tears were gone. That there were no more left. But she was wrong. She often is. She thought that the tears could disappear if she cried enough. But that was wrong. It just came new tears. New and harder. It hurts to cry. But she can't stop. He hugs her. She hugs the bear.

- You're in pain.

He establishes again. She nods. She feels his lips against her neck. He wants to make her feel safe. He knows that she's cold. He wants to give her warmth. He wants to give her so much. Wants to give her anything. But she's afraid to take it. She doesn't have the courage to believe that it's for real. She's so used to being fooled. Not by others, but by herself. He tries. She wants to trust hem. Wants him to be right. But it's hard. She trusted before. She received. But she lost everything. She's been left alone. Everyone else disappeared. There was nothing to do about it. She was left. All alone. Everyone else was just gone. They promised to never leave. But they went. They went so far that there was no coming back. She tried to follow. But she came back every time. She couldn't follow. They went to a place that she could never visit. And they can't ever come back to her.

- I understand you.

He wipes away her tears. Strokes her hair. Lets her cry. She's been crying for a long time. And he lets her do it. He knows that she needs it. He knows. He understands. Her tears cleans her. They cleans him to.

- I understand what you're doing. What you're trying.

He whispers to her. It tickles her ear. She hugs the bear harder. The bear's turning grey. He used to be white. White with a red shirt. Now the shirt's time-stained and the bear's grey. He's also drifting away. And when he's gone there's nothing left. She whispers to the bear. Whispers that he can't leave her. Then she would break. The bear doesn't answer. But her head answers. It tells her that she can't break. She's indestructible.

- I was like you once.

He still whispers. He holds her hard. But still so tender.

- I would want to show you all the scars from every time I tried to kill myself. But they just heal. Nothing's left from that time. Nothing visible that is. But the pain stays. It's on the inside.

She knows what he's saying. The scars. They hurt. Invisible scars. Unbearable pain. Physical pain she can handle. It passes. But the pain in her soul she can't handle. She wants to forget. But forces herself to hold on. She wants to forget everything that causes pain. But that would be to lose herself. She wants to. But she doesn't want to. The bear is the last link to the past. But not really. She herself is the last link. And she can't get rid of herself. She can never forget. Her body refuses to leave. With it she can never forget what once was.

- But you're not alone.

She smiles between her tears. Desperately. She was alone. All alone. Then he came. He was also alone. Now they're alone together. They are alike.

- I'm here, and I'll never leave.

She knows that he's telling the truth. Cause time doesn't mean a thing to them. Never is never. He will stay forever. She will stay just as long. But the bear will leave. And then she will be the only one left that remembers what once was.