I wrote this a little while back because of a fic challenge from mariesg316 at LJ:
"After bringing Charlie back to the cave, Jack has a nervous breakdown and gets comfort from...Sawyer!" How could I not take that bait? Hope ya like it! Set after "Raised by Another."
At the caves, everyone had stopped speculating about Charlie and Claire. They were all out of hope, all out of ideas. Sawyer stopped by for water, but didn't stay to chat. He didn't need to sit around with a group of depressed people who wouldn't give him the time of day normally.
Fucked up circumstances or not, these people weren't his friends and he couldn't share in their sorrow. It's not like he could help anyway. All the search parties were out, all the heroes on the trail.
He just kept on being the invisible man. As he filled up his water bottles, he knew some of them were wishing he'd been the one to go missing. Might solve everyone's problems, Sawyer thought bitterly.
And then suddenly Jack and Kate were back. They were muddied, exhausted, and from the look on their faces, Sawyer could see it wasn't good news. But Charlie was with them and he was alive. Hurley rushed over to hug Charlie, but Jack warned him off.
Charlie looked shellshocked. They all did.
Sawyer decided it would be a good time to go. The place was getting downright communal and as much as he wanted to know what was going on, he had no business sticking around, pretending to be one of them.
He didn't head right back to the beach. Instead, he took a minute to have a smoke, breathing in the night air along with the nicotine. He thought of Claire, pictured her lying dead somewhere out in the jungle. It wasn't right, a sweet girl like that. He hadn't said but a few words to her, and yet she'd always been so nice to him, not judging him when he'd sheepishly produced those wallets he'd taken for her memorial service. She'd just said "Thanks," and smiled that sweet smile.
He felt sick inside. He couldn't help but think of his mother. She didn't look anything like her, but that's who Claire reminded him of, he admitted, allowing himself to work that most painful of spots in his memory.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Sawyer was surprised to hear someone yelling.
He walked to where the outburst had come from. It was Jack, who was punching a tree with his bare fists.
Sawyer stood back, not sure if he should just leave. It was too dark to tell, but Jack was tearing up his knuckles for sure.
Jack's shoulders heaved as he began to cry, in big choking sobs.
Sawyer turned to walk away and leave Jack to cry in peace, but then Jack began butting his head against the tree. He was going to knock himself out, Sawyer thought. "Shit," he said out loud and tossed his cigarette away.
"Hey, doc," he said, rushing over to Jack's side. "Cut that out. You want to give yourself a concussion?"
Jack didn't look up, just kept beating his head against the tree. His forehead was bleeding and so were his hands, but he didn't seem to notice. Sawyer grabbed him by the shoulders and forcefully pulled him away from the tree. "Jack! Hey, get a hold of yourself."
Jack looked at him in confusion. "Sawyer?" he asked in surprise.
"Yeah, it's me, your bosom buddy Sawyer," he said, raising one eyebrow. "You're a mess, doc. Come on, you've done enough damage to the tree for one night."
"Claire," Jack managed to say brokenly, before breaking into sobs again. Sawyer maneuvered Jack onto the ground and sat down beside him.
"Yeah, I know, pal," he said, patting him on the back. "She didn't deserve this. You tried your best."
Jack nodded, unable to stop the huge sobs that wracked his body. Sawyer awkwardly kept a supportive hand on his shoulder. "Shit," he swore to himself. He was the worst person in the world at this. Where the hell was Kate? She could help the doctor out, hold him, rock him like a baby, maybe something more. Sawyer wasn't going to do any of that.
Slowly, Jack managed to choke out the story of how they had found Charlie and brought him back against all odds.
"Hey, you saved him, doc," Sawyer said, still feeling foolish about this reassurance thing. "That's a good thing. Hell, it's a fucking miracle. What are you beating yourself up for?"
"I'm such a fraud," Jack said, his crying almost stopped now. "It wasn't me. He just came back on his own. I'm a terrible doctor. I've let so many people die, you have no idea." Jack's face was broken, haunted, a look Sawyer had never seen before.
"What are you talking about?" Sawyer said with a hint of his usual sneer. "You've been saving people left and right since you got here. Hell, you saved my sorry ass even though I flat out told you not to. If that makes you a terrible doctor, well, then I'm Mother Fucking Theresa."
Jack smiled a little at Sawyer's words. "Yeah, well say hi to the orphans in Calcutta for me, won't you?"
Sawyer chuckled. "Hey, the doc has a sense of humor. Who knew?"
Jack's smile faded and he looked down at the ground. "It was just luck we found Charlie. Just luck we got him back. If I hadn't scared Claire off, none of this would have happened."
"Yeah, and you probably caused the plane crash too, right?" Sawyer said heatedly. "Get over yourself, doc. I know you try to be the big hero and everything, but last time I checked you weren't responsible for boar attacks or fucking polar bears or killers on the loose or any other damn thing on the island. You're doing a good job. Now just calm the hell down. You're the only doctor we got and we can't afford to have you go loco on us."
Jack nodded, seriously taking in Sawyer's words. "You're right. You're right. I just ..." he began and then stopped, taking a deep breath. "I just feel like I have to keep it together all the time. But I'm really just panicking. Every minute. Every minute I have no idea what I'm doing and people are depending on me and that scares the hell out of me."
"Well, you put on a good show, doc," Sawyer said after a pause. "Because I never had a clue. Anyone ever tell you you're too hard on yourself? Man, I thought I ..." but he left the sentence unfinished.
"You won't tell Kate or anyone, will you?" Jack said. He was calm again, but his face was still drawn in sorrow.
"Tell her what? About your little freakout? Nah," Sawyer said.
"What am I going to say about this?" Jack said, holding out his bloodied hands.
"Hell, tell her I roughed you up if you want," Sawyer offered with a sardonic grin.
"Why do you do that?" Jack asked, genuinely puzzled. "Why do you want everyone to think the worst of you?"
"That is a long and boring tale," Sawyer said, getting up. "And best left for another pow wow. So maybe you can get the fair Kate to tend to those hands. She might even kiss you."
"You just can't help being a jerk, can you, Sawyer?" Jack sighed. "Never mind," he said, waving his hand as if to recall his statement. "Hey, I, uh, thanks," he said awkwardly.
Sawyer shrugged. "Don't mention it. Really. Just don't go tenderizing your head the next time something goes wrong, OK?"
"OK," Jack said, holding out his hand for Sawyer to shake.
Sawyer took it gingerly. "You need some Bactine, just come ask me. On the house."
Jack smiled. "See you, Sawyer."
"See you, Jack. Stay away from the tree, OK?"