"Binge Pledging"

Disclaimer: Do not own Naruto, Zelda, Pledge or anything else.

A/N: SaleSaso is Renren's OTP. LOL. I thought about posting this in my other account, YaoiCrackQueen, because of the video game humor, but oh well. Set in Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask but it has one reference to Twilight Princess with the Cave of Ordeals. But I don't think it's required to have played that game to enjoy the joke.

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Sasori sat in his closet, rubbing Pledge wipes furiously on his bare chest while simultaneously spraying Pledge up his nose. Over thirty empty Pledge cans were scattered at his feet. He was binge Pledging, and nothing anyone said would make him stop. Not even Deidara throwing bombs at the closet door. Which he'd done. The door was indestructible. Deidara bomb retardant. Sasori had made sure of it.

The dreaded sound of an empty spray made Sasori throw his last can of Pledge against the door in anger.

"Need…more…Pledge…" Sasori mumbled, searching his secret stash of furniture polish supplies. He found one last can, and immediately popped the lid off and this time he sprayed it into his mouth. Suddenly, Sasori's eyes began to roll up into his head, Pledge dribbled down his nose and he began to spasm.

The puppet fell backwards into his Pledge cans and passed out from the overdose of lemon scented furniture polish…

"HO HO HO HO!" A voice echoed, and Sasori opened his eyes to find a strange, grinning man standing over him. The puppet sat up and shook his head. He glared at the creepy man.

"Who are you? And how did you get in my closet?"

"Ho ho ho ho ho!"

"Quit that, you're not Santa Claus!"

"Ho ho ho ho! You cannot go home again!" the creepy guy said. Sasori blinked.

"And who's gonna stop me?"

"Why, I am, the Happy Mask Salesman! Ho ho ho ho ho!" the man said, rubbing his hands together. Sasori sweat dropped.

"Right…I'll be…going now…"

Sasori got to his feet and ran over to the only door he saw and tried to open it. There were no handles, so he pushed, but it as hopeless. The Happy Mask Salesman laughed again, and Sasori spotted stairs and ran down them, finding yet another door. However, this one appeared to be made of stone. Sasori tried to open it anyway, but soon grew tired from the effort, and turned around and slid down the door.

He suddenly noticed dots on the bottom of the 'screen' and happened to look over to the corner, where a young boy in a green hat was hog tied and gagged. The boy looked at Sasori and more dots appeared on the bottom of the screen.

"…X'O…" which Sasori guessed (correctly) to mean 'my ass hurts.'

Sasori's eyes bulged and he whirled to find the Happy Mask Salesman right behind him, still wringing his hands, rocking back and forth and grinning manically.

"Um…I'd like to go home now," Sasori said slowly. The Happy Mask Salesman's grinning face transformed instantly into a demonic snarl and he grabbed Sasori by the throat.

"You are not going home, my puppet pet! You are mine now!"

"Like that boy over there?" Sasori whimpered.

"HO HO HO HO HO! Yesss…he was dinner…you are dessert."

More dots appeared on the bottom of the screen, and Sasori looked to the pedophile for answers.

"……….!"

"He says, 'YOU GONE BE RAPED!'"

"Eep!"

The Happy Mask Salesman laughed again and set Sasori's wrists in chains suspended from the wall. He quickly removed Sasori's only garments, which were his pants and boxers, and grinned at Sasori's cute little woody. The Happy mask Salesman grabbed that woody and said "I has a stick! HO HO HO HO!"

"NUUUU!" Sasori cried. The Happy Mask Salesman quickly tugged down his own pants and his own little happy mask flopped out. He pointed at it and cackled.

"Ho ho ho…I has another stick!"

Sasori tried to tug on the shackles and flee, but he could do nothing. He kicked, but the Happy Mask Salesman was unfazed. The grinning pedophile grabbed Sasori's hips and pulled his lower body upwards. The Happy Mask Salesman poked his enormous deku stick up against Sasori's ass and his face turned into the evil possessed expression Sasori had briefly seen earlier.

"HO HO HO HO HO!"

"I'm not your ho!"

"No…you're my bitch!" the Happy Mask Salesman cheered, and slammed his Hero's Bow into Sasori's tight ass. Sasori screamed. The Happy Mask Salesman pumped into the puppet fast and hard, the dry friction burning Sasori's insides and making him bleed Pledge.

"Ooh, your cave of ordeals is so hot and tight…HO HO HO HO HO!"

Thankfully, the Happy Mask Salesman only lasted thirty seconds and came violently inside the puppet man. The Happy Rapist pulled out and his sperm, if you zoomed in a million times, all had the same maniacal grin on their…faces.

"HO HO HO HO HO!"

Sasori whimpered and hung there limply by the shackles. He glanced to Child Link, and the two rape victims made the same face.

X'O (My ass hurts.)

Sasori then blacked out from the pain...the Happy Mask Salesman's insane laughter echoing in his scarred for life mind…

"Hey, un! I think he's coming around!"

Sasori blinked his eyes open. He was lying on a bed, staring up at a big blue eye. Then he got a face full of yellow hair as Deidara whipped his head to the side to yell out "He's alive, un!"

"Brat, get your hair out of my face," Sasori snarled, slapping the boy away.

"We didn't think you were going to make it," Kisame said with a soft chuckle. Kakuzu folded his arms and 'hmphed.'

"See? Told you we didn't need to call an ambulance. You people have any idea how much it costs to summon an emergency vehicle?!"

"SHUT UP, KAKUZU!" Konan shrieked, and the old man ran out of the room, Konan hot on his heels, a flurry of razor edged dung beetles in her wake.

"You OD'd on Pledge, un! You scared me!" Deidara bawled, tears spraying from his eyes and getting Sasori wet.

"I…think I've learned my lesson," Sasori said hollowly, that horrible laughter still echoing in his head. Itachi nodded wisely.

"If you OD on Pledge, you gone get raped."