Harry Potter and the Jam Roly Poly of Immortality
THE DAILY PROPHET
Harry Potter was expelled from Hogwarts today after an attempt to assassinate a fellow classmate.
Potter was spotted chasing the poor student around the castle shouting things like – 'I'd rather you hadn't snogged my ex, you constipated git! Well, at least we all know now that you're GAY because the girl you kissed was a pre-op transsexual, as I found out last night! Die, gay boy!'
Potter was interviewed and he gave a clear picture of exactly WHY he tried to kill the poor young lad and just HOW gay the lad was.
The classmate prefers his identity to be hidden, as the case was fairly personal. We interviewed him and he told his side of the story. 'It was like this.' The boy explains, 'I was just sitting around, right, and this girl comes up to me crying. She was a fine one, and, I, well, comforted her a bit' He continued, grinning, 'and then that bastard Potter comes up with a handgun and tries to shoot me. He chased me all over Hogwarts. He fired a bullet through Professor McGonagall's favourite hat, and he nearly blew the nose off an ancient statue. He should be sent to Azkaban.'
The Ministry of Magic are to deal with young Mr Pothead-
'Well that's all fine, right up until they give me crap nicknames!' the accused youth shouted.
'Now, Harry, be reasonable. We are not going to send you to Azkaban. We have a little chore that needs doing-'
'Oh yeah? You know, gay-boy Draco deserved to die-'
'And if you do not complete it, the chances are that you will go to Azkaban. Now, your aim is to rescue one of the earlier creations of Nicholas Flamel – the Jam Roly Poly of Immortality!' the Minister finished elaborately.
There was a silence. Harry raised an eyebrow.
'So, you haul me out of Hogwarts so I can rescue a bleeding PUDDING?'
'Uh, yeah. Make sure that you're back within three weeks. Or else.'
So our brave young Mr Potter set out on his dangerous mission, to rescue the Jam Roly Poly of Immortality!
Apparently, the pudding resided in Voldemort's hidey-hole. Which happened to be in the local Brownie Pack Hut.
Harry bravely stepped inside. Suddenly, he was attacked by turban-wearing, rope-swinging ninja-Brownies!
Harry quickly got out his trusty handgun and HE SHOT THEM!!!!!!!!
BANG. BANG. BANG.
Voldemort stepped towards him, laughing! 'You will never stop me now, Potter! When I eat that Roly Poly, I will live forever!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!'
BANG.
'Shit! I've only got one bullet left!' Harry shouted.
He aimed at the ninja-Brownie that was guarding the pudding. He pulled the trigger.
The bullet shot through the air, through the ninja-Brownie and...through the Jam Roly Poly of Immortality.
'Whoopsie!' Harry shouted, clapping his other hand over his mouth. 'Oh, dear, chaps, I'm so SORRY!'
Then, a ninja-Brownie came up behind him.
BANG.
'Hey, I thought I had run out of bullets!'
Then he realised. His gun had become immortal!
'WHOOPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!'
And He Lived Happily Ever After!!!!!
THE DAILY PROPHET
Harry Potter was expelled from Hogwarts today after an attempt to assassinate a fellow classmate.
Potter was spotted chasing the poor student around the castle shouting things like – 'I'd rather you hadn't snogged my ex, you constipated git! Well, at least we all know now that you're GAY because the girl you kissed was a pre-op transsexual, as I found out last night! Die, gay boy!'
Potter was interviewed and he gave a clear picture of exactly WHY he tried to kill the poor young lad and just HOW gay the lad was.
The classmate prefers his identity to be hidden, as the case was fairly personal. We interviewed him and he told his side of the story. 'It was like this.' The boy explains, 'I was just sitting around, right, and this girl comes up to me crying. She was a fine one, and, I, well, comforted her a bit' He continued, grinning, 'and then that bastard Potter comes up with a handgun and tries to shoot me. He chased me all over Hogwarts. He fired a bullet through Professor McGonagall's favourite hat, and he nearly blew the nose off an ancient statue. He should be sent to Azkaban.'
The Ministry of Magic are to deal with young Mr Pothead-
'Well that's all fine, right up until they give me crap nicknames!' the accused youth shouted.
'Now, Harry, be reasonable. We are not going to send you to Azkaban. We have a little chore that needs doing-'
'Oh yeah? You know, gay-boy Draco deserved to die-'
'And if you do not complete it, the chances are that you will go to Azkaban. Now, your aim is to rescue one of the earlier creations of Nicholas Flamel – the Jam Roly Poly of Immortality!' the Minister finished elaborately.
There was a silence. Harry raised an eyebrow.
'So, you haul me out of Hogwarts so I can rescue a bleeding PUDDING?'
'Uh, yeah. Make sure that you're back within three weeks. Or else.'
So our brave young Mr Potter set out on his dangerous mission, to rescue the Jam Roly Poly of Immortality!
Apparently, the pudding resided in Voldemort's hidey-hole. Which happened to be in the local Brownie Pack Hut.
Harry bravely stepped inside. Suddenly, he was attacked by turban-wearing, rope-swinging ninja-Brownies!
Harry quickly got out his trusty handgun and HE SHOT THEM!!!!!!!!
BANG. BANG. BANG.
Voldemort stepped towards him, laughing! 'You will never stop me now, Potter! When I eat that Roly Poly, I will live forever!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!'
BANG.
'Shit! I've only got one bullet left!' Harry shouted.
He aimed at the ninja-Brownie that was guarding the pudding. He pulled the trigger.
The bullet shot through the air, through the ninja-Brownie and...through the Jam Roly Poly of Immortality.
'Whoopsie!' Harry shouted, clapping his other hand over his mouth. 'Oh, dear, chaps, I'm so SORRY!'
Then, a ninja-Brownie came up behind him.
BANG.
'Hey, I thought I had run out of bullets!'
Then he realised. His gun had become immortal!
'WHOOPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!'
And He Lived Happily Ever After!!!!!