Relationship Rescue
AN: Special thanks to all of my pals who helped with getting this story off the ground. You know who you are...
Disclaimer: G.I. Joe does not belong to me, although I really wish it did!
Chapter 1
Chapter 1
The Public Address System happened to be working on this rainy afternoon and the whole base was gathered in the Joe mess hall, listening to a special broadcast. If things went according to plan, this was going to be more entertaining than the season finale of Dynasty.
"You're listening to KACL 980 AM Santa Fe's Number 1 Talk Radio Station. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Dr. Dan the Dating Man and this is 'Love Lessons,' the relationship show."
The Dr. Dan was a Tuesday chow time staple in the Pit—his shows were the stuff of legend, closely resembling train wrecks. His guests, frequently transsexual truckers and bisexual belly dancers, were never boring. Last week's show on the psychic porn star Siamese twins who were dating the nudist minister was still a hot topic. Even General Clayton "Hawk" Abernathy was a regular listener, albeit on the sly.
"Today we're announcing the winners—if you can call them that—of our Disastrously Dysfunctional Duo contest. We were looking for the MOST messed up couple in the listening area and believe me, we're found them!"
"Our winning letter was written by Lance and Hector, who we happen to have on the phone. So what's your story guys?"
Hector "Shipwreck" Delgado almost bit his DeNobili cigar in half. Luckily, Lance "Clutch" Steinberg was able to correct the woefully misinformed DJ. "Our story? Nononononono! Hold on pal, we're straight. You've got it all wrong. We wrote that letter for our good buddy, Wayne and his lady love, Courtney." Shipwreck and Clutch were huddled around the phone in an office just outside the mess. They were using the speakerphone function, so they both could "contribute" to the conversation.
Dr. Dan didn't skip a beat. "Well, you guys are real pals, I can tell. What makes Wayne and Courtney 'Disastrously Dysfunctional'?"
Shipwreck took the lead. "Jeez, Doc, where to begin? In a nutshell, all they do is fight. He says black, she says white. They can barely agree on what planet we live on! He's a hard ass—works us all like dogs—and she's the only one here who has the guts to stand up to him. It's like she enjoys riling him up."
"Wait a minute, they WORK together?" the DJ sputtered. "That's a recipe for disaster if I ever heard one."
"And he doesn't know anything about women," Clutch added. "Believe me, I've tried to help the guy and he's hopeless." Clutch liked to think of himself as quite the ladies' man and he couldn't understand how a Sasquatch like Beach Head could land a babe like Cover Girl. "He actually gave her a cactus for Valentine's Day this year because he said it was 'prickly like her' and then he couldn't understand why she clocked him!" he added, incredulously.
At that moment, Wayne "Beach Head" Sneeden and Courtney "Cover Girl" Krieger could be heard stomping towards the mess hall in the midst of yet another argument over her performance that morning in PT. "Good gravy woman, will you just quit snarkin' at me and listen? You were slower than molasses in January out there today!" A deep, male voice bellowed from the hall.
A shrill female voice came next "Well, if you'd stop riding me like General MacArthur on crystal meth and listen for a change, you'd understand!" She was in full weapons grade bitch mode.
"Wait-they're going at it now!" Clutch crowed into the speakerphone, as he moved the phone closer to the doorway. "Just listen!" he whispered.
Wayne continued his diatribe, "Stop ridin' you? Blazes, I've gotta get even tougher in you, if today is any indication of what happens when I go easy on you! I let you out of PT for a week straight and it showed in your times. Court, you can be thinkin' you can skate by on PT just because we're seeing each other!"
"You let me out… You didn't 'let me out' of ANYTHING!" she shrieked. "Damnit, I had PNEUMONIA and was hooked up to an IV antibiotic for that week, you knock-kneed, slack-jawed, knuckle-dragging troglodyte!"
"If you took better care of yourself, you wouldn't have gotten sick in the first place! You don't eat enough, you work too hard," he yelled.
"WHAT?" she shrieked "It's MY fault I got pneumonia? People get sick, you stupid hillbilly! We're not all six feet tall and bullet-proof like you!"
Dr. Dan, who had been silent up until that point, said "Good Lord, I've heard enough! Get them on the phone."
Clutch and Shipwreck were gleeful at this point. They stuck their heads out of the office door and sang "Wayne, Courtney, we have someone on the phone who wants to talk to you…"
Up until now, Wayne and Courtney had been oblivious to the fact that they had an audience. When they realized they had an audience, they weren't happy.
"What in the hell are you two pogues up to?" Wayne roared. Courtney shot them a death-glare, but said nothing.
At that point, Hawk emerged from his office where he had been listening to the broadcast. Words were unnecessary; his scathing glare said it all. He pointed at the confused couple, and then pointed to the phone in the hands of Clutch.
The irate couple stalked in to the office, fully intent on inflicting bodily harm on the sailor and the mechanic. "I've got Wayne and Courtney here, Dr. Dan!" Shipwreck said.
"Wayne, Courtney, this is Dr. Dan the Dating Man and you're on KACL 980 AM, Santa Fe's Number 1 Talk Radio Station. This is your lucky day, because your two good friends Hector and Lance have nominated you for our "Disastrously Dysfunctional Duo" contest and you've won! I must say that based on the letter your friends sent and the argument I just heard, you guys are a mess! We'd like to help you two sort out your issues and rediscover your romance by sending you to an all expenses paid trip to the island of Tahiti for a couples retreat at the luxurious Paradise Beach Club Resort. "
"Tahiti? Ohmygod, I don't know what to say—wow!" Courtney gushed. Meanwhile, Wayne's jaw clenched and he managed to grind out "No. Way. In…" before Hawk's booming voice filled the air. "They'll take it. Make the arrangements," he ordered, before turning on his heel and exiting the office. Courtney excitedly grabbed the handset and got to work on the logistics, while Wayne sat there in stunned silence.
Clutch and Shipwreck wisely took their leave as well; Wayne wouldn't be stunned for long. Tomorrow's PT session would be hellish, but it would be totally worth it. A week without Beach Head torturing them was almost too good to be true!
"Hey 'Wreck, think it's too late to call in about Flint and Lady Jaye? " Clutch pondered?