"I hate when you get like this." I can hear Tegan say behind my closed apartment door. She's been standing out there for ages, begging me to come out.
"Go away." I stammer out with a shaky voice.
"Sara..." She says sternly. I sit with my back against the door, tears in my eyes and I bang the back of my head against the door and sqeeze my eyes shut, wishing to be anyone else but me.
"Sara." I hear Tegan's voice soften. I can tell she's standing with her body against the door.
"I know you're scared even though you say that you're not." she says softly.
I open the door. An identical pair of tear stained eyes meet mine and I know I am the cause of all this trouble.
Tegan is quick to grab my body and pull it to hers. I hug her back just as hard.
"I love you, Sara. I really mean that." She says into my shoulder, and I stay silent.
I don't want to love Tegan. I know she can have someone so much better. Someone who will treat her better than I ever will.
Her lips smash into mine in a desperate kiss. My lips work against hers, tears pouring down my face. She runs her fingers through my short black hair and pushes my face against hers to get my closer. I have the feeling if we get any closer, we'll become the one person we were exactly meant to be. I begin to pull away but she wont let me go.
"No Sara, no." She says,stuggling to kiss me while I pull my face away from hers.
"Tegan, please, stop -"
"No Sara! You need me and I need you!" she yells and falls to her knees sobbing.
I stand for a minute while my apartment is enveloped with Tegan's loud sobs before I get on my knees so I can hug her.
"Why won't you let me love you?" She says between sobs and my heart aches.
"Because I'm not good enough for you." I say softly,petting her hair.
"Yes you were, you were made for me."
"But Tegan, you want to be married. You want a family. That's not me. You want the marrying type, a commitment."
"I can't help my it'll fit, it'll fit." She says in a small voice.
I kiss her lips softly and whipe aways her tears with the pads of my thumbs. I grab her by the hand and walk her to my room. She seems so lifeless, just like me. We're completely the same, yet so different.
"Just one more night." I whisper to her as I unzip her hoodie and push it off her shoulders. She looks me in the eyes and bites her lip. She lifts my oversized shirt off my frail body and her lips head for my collarbone. my bare chest heaves against her clothed one. I lift off her tshirt and my hands find their way around her torso to unhook her bra. She lets it slide to the floor. I feel so self concious next to her. I feel so thin and small next to her curvier body. I unbutton her jeans and run my hands up the sides of her thighs. She pushes me onto the bed, kissing down my body.
"So. Damn. Beautiful." She says kissing between my breasts and down to my belly button. She puts her hands on my legs and spreads them, kissing my inner thighs. I whimper, because I know what's coming next.
Tegan kisses my mound, still clothed by my underwear. She licks up and down, making my panites even wetter and finally pulls them off. I stare at the ceiling as I feel her warm, soft tounge run its way along my slit. My back arches once she hits my clit and she moans as well.
"Sara, you taste so sweet." She moans before softly pressing her tounge inside my core. I almost yell out her name but contain myself. both my hands tangle themselves in her mop of hair. I look down and see Tegans eyes staring straight into mine as she slowly licks me up and down and I bite my lip. She presses two fingers into me and kisses back up my body while pumping into me. She kisses me and I taste myself. She bites at my neck and I feel a tingling feeling build up in my lower stomach.
"T-Tegan, I'm about to cum." I say quietly into her ear, her head burried into my shoulder. Once she hears that, she fucks me even harder, until my back arches and my body begins to convulse. I lie there catching my breath with Tegan. I peel her off of me and turn us over so I'm straddling her. I meet my lips to hers. I run my hands down her naked torso and feel her nipple stiffen under my touch. She moans loudly when I lightly pull on them. I get off of her and flip her onto her stomach. I move kisses from her shoulder blades down to the dip of her back. My hands reaches behind her and feels how soaked her panites and and Tegan moans at the slightest pressure I put on her clit.
"Sara, Please." She begs. I pull her underwear down over her bum and enter her from behind. She almost screams my name when I begin to pump into her harder and faster, but she just shoves her face into the pillowe to mute her moans. That's one difference between Tegan and I. She's a noisy sex partner, while I stay quiet most of the time. I fuck Tegan into the matress, and at this point I'm surprised no ones come knocking at my door complaining about the noise. Though, I'm sure they've gotten used to it all by now.
"Oh god Sara, fuck me, fuck me fuck me" Tegan says in a high pitched voice, and I push myself to my limits, moaning along with Tegan.
"Sara!" Tegan moans as I feel her walls clench against my fingers and my hand become increasingly wet.
I collapse beside her and close my eyes. Tegan intertwines her naked body with mine and once I feel her breathing become completely steady, I cry.
I cry in bed with my nude twin sister, I cry in the silence of my apartment. I cry because I'm scared of these feelings and cry because I don't want to hurt the person I love most.
I pass out and wake up around four in the morning. Tegan is lying on the far side of my bed. She knows that I like my space when I sleep, but yet she still sleeps in my bed with me. I quietly put on some clothes and grabbed the packed suitcase I had in my cloeset. I always knew I would do this.
as I quietly walk out my bedroom, I hear a soft voice come from behind me.
"Sasa, where are you going?" Tegan asks sitting up in bed with the covers pulled up to her chin. Her hair is messy.
"I can't do this, Tegan. At least not now. I'm not ready. Maybe I can love you sometime in our future, but I need time to think."
"But Sar-"
"I don't know when I'll be back, or if I'll ever be back." I say all this with my back faced towards Tegan.
"Please Sara.." She cries.
"I have to go, Tegan." I walk out my apartment and don't look back. I head to the grey hound station and buy the first ticket out of Vancouver going to Montreal.