In the faint moonlight filtering in through the small window at the end of the hallway, Sonny could see a figure propped on the floor against his front door, curled in on itself. He paused, staring at the seemingly unmoving mound, one hand brushing his holster despite how unthreatening the situation looked.
After a moment, he padded down the hallway cautiously. It wasn't until the light caught on the man's cufflinks that Sonny realised he knew the person. But knowing who it was only shocked him more, and he felt a pang in his chest.
"Barba?" He asked quietly, jumping slightly as Barba's head whipped up.
"Oh good, you're home," Barba responded, his voice raspy and unnaturally quiet.
"You okay?"
It was a stupid question. He knew it was. If Barba was okay, he wouldn't be sat in the hallway waiting for Sonny to come home. Still, he was giving him an out, if he wanted it. He was letting the other man know they could pretend, if that's what he wanted.
Barba didn't respond, though. Instead, he pulled himself off the floor and waited.
Sonny moved, slowly, as though he were afraid Barba would run if startled.
He dumped his keys on the counter top and reached for the bottle of scotch he kept just for his visits, pulling two glasses down from their shelf before heading wordlessly into the living room, Barba shuffling silently behind him.
He'd never thought of the ADA as small, despite his height. His personality always more than made up for his short stature, and Sonny had always figuratively looked up to him so much that it often felt quite literal, too. Yet here, in the dim light of his apartment, Barba looked very small, and the sight of it made him feel uneasy.
Something was wrong, and he was afraid to find out what.
"I thought you'd be home hours ago," Barba said quietly, his voice barely filling the silence.
Sonny's stomach twisted anxiously, but he threw Barba a playful smile, unsure how to handle the mood he'd brought with him.
"What, you weren't waiting out there for the entire four hours of overtime I did were ya?" He teased.
When Barba responded only by taking a large sip of his drink and avoiding his eyes, he felt his stomach drop, and his smile with it.
"Shit, Barba, what's wrong?"
Barba looked like he wanted to speak, but after several almost-starts, he simply sat back against the lounge, letting the worn cushions swallow him a little as he rubbed his eyes tiredly.
Sonny softly, carefully, rose from his armchair to sit next to Barba, hesitating before letting his hand rest behind his head, playing with the short hairs at the nape of his neck as he rubbed gently. It was all he could think to do.
They sat like that for a small while in silence, Sonny's mind filling with worry for the man he'd come to love in such a short amount of time. It hadn't been short - not really. It had been three years in the making, going unacknowledged until two months ago, when he finally allowed himself to really feel it, to be consumed by it, and to let himself act on it.
But it had been slow going. Barba had initiated it, though in a way that he could deny later, if things didn't go according to plan. Because that was how Barba did everything. He always had a way out, a way to make sure he came out on top instead of being left to flounder, to showcase his embarrassment, even to an audience of one. Sonny wondered if he even let himself acknowledge such feelings when he was alone, with no audience to bear witness to his humanity.
And he knew there was humanity there. He knew, because he'd seen it. He saw it in the court room when Barba dredged up emotion to win over a jury. He saw it in the way his voice softened when a victim was upset. He saw it in the way his face fell when he let someone down, the way he fought unwinable fights, the way he searched silently for Liv's approval. He saw it in the way his office was always stocked with Sonny's favourite snacks, in the way that, on their first date, once he knew Sonny definitely felt the same, he was quick to abandon all pretence to make Sonny feel at ease. But most of all, he saw it in the way that Barba would come over unannounced after a tough case, one of Sonny's favourite meals on hand, and a handful of witty quips and snarky remarks laced with fondness to pull Sonny out of the darkest corners of his mind.
Two months, and he'd never once seen Barba appear vulnerable, even when he knew, just because he'd spent so much time studying the man, that he was on the verge of breaking. Because even when Sonny KNEW, Barba never showed it in anything more than a brief clench of a fist or a grinding of the teeth. He covered hurt with clever insults and sadness with self-deprecating humour. Everything he did was precise, a calculated way of presenting himself to the world as human enough to win people over, but cruel enough that people were too scared to come closer.
But Sonny was allowed to get closer. Sonny was allowed to see more. Sonny was allowed to see Barba's kindness, his love, his passion. Sonny was allowed to see his armour for what it was - just armour.
And yet, in time they'd become friends, and the past two months of being more, Sonny had never seen Barba look like this.
He'd seen him raw and angry and shaking. He'd seen him hurt, and sad, and despondent. He'd seen him gentle, and loving, and sincere. But he'd never seen him look small.
So when Barba finally shifted across the lounge, practically crawling into Sonny's lap, face pressing into the fabric of his shirt, he didn't know what to do. He just held on. Rubbing soothing circles into his boyfriends back. And as Barba held on tighter, Sonny held right back, matching the strength of his hold, trying to make right whatever was wrong, though his brain was still in shock, trying to catch up, his stomach clenching with his need to do more.
"What happened?" He whispered at last, pressing a kiss just below Barba's ear.
"I over reacted." Barba's voice sounded raw, and full of emotion, and it made Sonny's heart hurt to hear it.
"To what?"
"Just hold me," he whispered, his voice cracking, and it took everything in Sonny's power to hold in the dry sob that was threatening to burst free.
"You wanna stay the night?"
Anxiety caused his muscles to tense - they were yet to stay the night, to share a bed, to do anything quite so open and serious and tender. But when he felt Rafael nod, and shift so he could stand, he audibly sighed with relief.
Taking his boyfriends hand in the same way he might take a frightened child's, Sonny lead him to the bedroom. He helped Barba undress, carefully hanging his clothes on a spare hanger so they wouldn't crease. He tried not to feel self-conscious as Barba watched him undress, too, as though every move Sonny made was important.
And when they crawled into bed, Barba curled into his chest, causing Sonny to instinctively wrap every limb around the smaller man, cocooning him. He would have wondered if it was too much, if it weren't for the fact that Barba was nestling impossibly closer, closing every gap he could.
And when Barba pressed a gentle kiss to his chest, right above his heart, he could only grip him tighter, allowing every fleeting word of love and comfort that flew through his brain to leave his lips in disjointed whispers as he tried to absorb whatever sadness his lover was feeling.
They fell asleep like that, Barba pressed into Sonny's chest, and Sonny holding onto him, protecting him from whatever invisible demons had visited him that night.