And now it's time for Bum Reviews. With Chester A. Bum.
Tonight's review...Halo Reach
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OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY LIFE!
It wouldn't be a Noble mission if it didn't have SPOILERS!
There's this planet, called Reach!
And it has a moon, called Flexibility!
Get it?
AHAHAHAHAHHAAAA! Garrus is hilarious.
Anyway...
There's this guy named Noble Six!
And he joins these other guys, called Noble Team.
Did I mention they're all just three days from retirement? It's true.
And they're off to stop THE COVENANT!
I WAS IN THE COVENANT ONCE!
They did to me what they did to the Arbiter. They took off all my clothes and branded me while calling me nasty things.
Or maybe that was the weekend I spent with that one Russian dominatrix. My memory's fuzzy.
And so Noble Team is sent to help kill this big Covenant tower!
They drain its shields and then this GIANT HUMAN SPACESHIP comes and blows up the tower!
HOORAY!
But then the human ship gets blown up by an even bigger Covenant ship.
Hu-roo.
So they plan on getting this slip n' slide bomb on board the Covenant ship.
Slip n' slide? What, are we gonna kill the Covenant with a big wet banana?
But then the bomb goes off, blowing up the Covenant ship.
HOORAY!
But the big guy who's supposed to have a Hungarian accent but has a British accent instead for some reason gets blown up too!
NOOOOOOO!
WHY JORGEY-PORGEY! WHY!
That's what I called him, by the way. Jorgey-porgey.
Well, at least the rest of the team is o-
"Kat's dead!"
NOOOOOOOO!
She was weirdly hot for someone with a prosthetic arm!
Just like that Russian dominatrix!
AND THEN:
Carter dies too!
AND THEN:
Emile dies next!
AND JUN IS LIKE:
"Screw this! I'm outta here!"
AND CAPTAIN KEYES IS LIKE:
"Don't worry, Noble Six. They will be remembered."
"Then how come Noble Team isn't even mentioned in the main Halo trilogy?"
"Uuuuuuuuuuuh...HOLY CRAP A COVENANT SHIP IS ON ITS WAY! I have to go now."
Now, I wish I could finish this review but I can't because I CAN'T BEAT THE FINAL LEVEL!
I mean I try to survive like the objective tells me to, but half-way through a bunch of elites just show up outta nowhere and start kicking my ass!
And then whenever I die I get this really long game over screen that shows me dying and Dr. Halsey says that my sacrifice was not in vain.
Okay! I get it! I failed the final level! Quit rubbing salt in the wounds, Halsey!
WHAT A WHORE!
This is Chester A. Bum saying: CHANGE? YA GOT CHANGE? AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA? COME ON, CHANGE!
Come on man! I need money to buy cheat codes! God! It's like Bungie designed that level to be unwinnable or something!
...
Seriously. Halo: Reach was good. Mighty good. Yes sir, I liked it