The alien invasion has never looked so formal.
On the abandoned parking lot, five levitating men in business suits appeared underneath the spaceship in five, separate beams of light. "Men" was a bit of an overstatement, however; while the aliens had vaguely humanoid look, they all lacked one important body part - their heads. That tiny detail, however, did not stop them from wearing what looked like black bowler hats atop their missing heads. Heads that they could, apparently, turn in any direction, as their hats moved eerily with them, when the invaders begun their reconnaissance.
At the same time, from behind the nearby bushes, five people stared at the aliens that crept around the glade without moving any of their appendages, but just by slowly floating to any point of interest. Ford and Stan were dragged here by their now very much adult great niece-Mabel and great-nephew Dipper, accompanied by his wife, Wendy. For some time, they wanted to transform the empty, and half-dilapidated mall at the outskirts of the town into some sort of base of operations to combat various threats, and to store their findings. It seemed, however, that life has outrun them once more.
- Grunkle Ford! - Dipper whispered - Have you ever seen them in any of your travels?
- Never! - Ford Babbled under his breath - And I don't think they are the friendly ones. We should back off and call authorities. Yes, with all due respect, guys, this seems a bit too much even for you.
- But how do we know if they are bad? - Mabel asked - What if they are, you know, tourists?
- They look like tax collectors. And alien or not, I don't trust them. - Stan grunted, keeping his eye on the aliens.
- Well, I think we should give them a chance!
To the horror of the other four, Mabel boldly stood up and walked out of the bush, straight into the group of business-suit-clad aliens.
- Welcome to planet Earth, gentlemen! May I ask what is the purpose of your visit? Would you like to taste our delicious cuisine, or visit our beautiful great lakes, or watch our favourite animal videos, or...
- THIS ONE WILL BE A GOOD SPECIMEN.
The alien, despite not having any visible speaking organ, emitted a voice that reverberated in the heads of the humans around. And judging by the cold, indifferent tone, Mabel realised it was a mistake to speak with them, but her decision sadly came too late. The alien effortlessly grabbed her by the edge of her sweater, completely unmoved by her attempts to wriggle out, and moved towards the spaceship.
- Mabel, no!
Dipper jumped from behind the bush, only to catch the last glimpse of the alien carrying Mabel disappearing in the beam of light. If the four other aliens were surprised by Dipper's sudden appearance, then the three humans that followed him must have shocked them, if one could guess their expression from their emotionless, empty faces.
- Alright, give me back my great-niece, you creeps! - Stanley shouted, pulling his sleeves up, in a vain attempt of scaring them.
- And my sister!
- And my sister-in-law!
- And my great... niece... again.
The four adventurers formed a close circle, ready to strike their opponents at any moment. However, the aliens moved towards and quickly surrounded them, limiting their moves.
- Oh, screw you, I'm not gonna stand here!
Stan rushed to punch the alien towering over him, but he was met with fate similar to Mabel's: the alien's long arm ensnared him preventing him from doing anything remotely threatening. Before the other realised what happened to Stan, the aliens watching them rushed to do the same. Ford, Wendy and Dipper gave them a bit more of a challenge, but ultimately, the long appendages of the aliens caught them as well.
One by one, each alien with its prisoner moved to the teleportation beam, disappearing in the same fashion as Mabel, arriving inside the flying saucer, on a circular pad with a huge control panel towering over it.
- Guys! What are you doing here? You shouldn't be here!
Mabel stood up in her ethereal-looking cage she was sitting in and rushed to its edge, when she saw Stan, Dipper, Ford and Wendy appearing with their alien oppressors. Four more cages around Mabel's appeared out of nowhere, each one to hold one of the prisoners.
- We couldn't leave you here, could we? - Dipper replied, massaging his back in the oddly cold place where the alien touched him. - Wendy, Stan, Ford, are you okay?
- I think so, kiddo - Stan grunted, having difficulties standing up - I shouldn't have tried fighting this guy. Never thought they would capture you guys though.
- Yeah, we need to get out here quickly - Wendy added - What are those?
She tried kicking the see-through bars of the cage, getting an odd, sparky, metallic vibration in return. She was about to touch it with her bare hand, when Mabel warned her.
- No, don't do it! It stings like electricity. Grunkle Ford, what is that?
- Superpsionic alloy, I think. - he explained, after tapping his cage with his pen - But I might be able to do something with it... Just give me a moment...
- Uh, guys, haven't you noticed something? - Dipper's voice brought the attention of others. - The aliens are gone!
To their general surprise, Dipper was right; aside from them, the deck was empty, as if the aliens vanished into thin air.
- They hide there - Mabel whispered, pointing to the oddly-shaped door on both ends of the circular room - I saw one coming from there.
- Guys, that's our only chance - Dipper cheered - Grunkle Ford, do you know how to open this thing?
- I think I do. I will need lots of different kinds of metal. Belt buckles, hair clips, spare coins, your axe, Wendy, whatever you have with bare metal.
Through the sparking beams of the cage, they passed any spare items they might have had to Ford. Stan and Wendy kept their eyes on the two entrances, ready to shout if any of them opens. Working under the pressure of time, Ford put several of the items he received into one cluttered clump he carried through the material of his coat.
- Okay, I will have one chance to short it. I have no idea what might happen, so stand back. Well, as back as you can in these.
The others followed Ford's orders, either lying on the alien floor, or moving as far from Ford's central cage as possible. Ford brought the primitive tool between the two bars, and gently turned it, so that it would touch both bars.
It was safe to say that they expected an explosion, huge spark of light, or anything that usually happened during a short circuit. Instead, like a mirage, Ford's cage simply ceased to be leaving him free to help the others escape.
- Brilliant, Grunkle Ford! That's gotta be our shortest escape ever.
- Don't celebrate too early, Dipper. We're still several dozens of feet above the ground - Ford replied, welcoming Mabel in his arms.
- Grunkle Ford, I'm so, so sorry I put you all in danger.
- Never-mind, Mabel, you can be sorry all you ant while we get to the ground and call the military.
Once she was free as well, Wendy brought Dipper into the tightest hug he ever received, beaded with quite sudden an unexpected tears.
- It's okay, Wendy, we're... safe. Kinda. Well, at least we're together.
- If they ever show up, we're ready now. - Wendy shed away her tear and took her axe back from Ford
With all cages gone, the adventurers moved to the central pad with five, smaller circular ones in it.
- Well, great, we got out of the cages, but can you make that thing work? - Stan asked, watching his brother examine the buttons of the console.
- Oh, yes, most of the universe use the standardised set of symbols. - Ford quickly asserted - Objectively speaking, we really are behind the times. We can't even have one unified type of plug! Imagine if you travelled thousand of light years, just to realise you can't use a beard trimmer, or something.
- Ford - Wendy interrupted him - Can you leave your opinion pieces for later? We need to get to the ground ASAP.
- Oh, right, of course.
Ford leaned over the console, and pushed several odd-looking buttons, scribbling something in his notepad.
- I think that'll do. Quick, stand on each of these, I think they can only send five beams at a time.
Once Ford checked if all members of his family stand firmly on the pads, he turned around, and pressed another button, turning the teleportation machine on.
The five adventurers remained in place.
- Why doesn't it work? - Ford pushed the circular button again, receiving only faint buzzing noise in return. - Wait, that shows that there's too many objects to teleport... They were doing in groups of five, weren't they?
- There is five of us, Ford - Stanley snapped - You sure you punched the right symbols? Maybe the darn thing's broken?
- Or maybe we don't stand on the circles perfectly. - Dipper put his hands closer to his torso, as if trying to fit into an invisible tube, afraid of getting scolded
- How does it even work? - Wendy asked, nervously shifting her attention from one set of doors to another, waiting for aliens to catch on to their plan - How can this thing know how many of us are there?
- Brain waves activity, I presume. - Ford replied, pushing the same combination again. - Or something similar, I guess. It can detect how many of us can go through this thing. Like an elevator, with maximum mass allowed.
Wendy groaned, and to everyone's surprise, stepped out of the portal.
- Wendy, are you out of your mind? - Dipper shouted, trying to bring her back - They can be here any second now!
- Well, if it doesn't work for all of us, we will go in smaller bunches. Do you have the numbers written, Ford?
- I do, but I don't even know if they work...
Taken aback, Ford reluctantly passed her the piece of paper.
- Try doing it, I'll wait, quickly!
- Oh, no, I'm not gonna leave you! - Dipper stated, stepping off the platform as well - What's wrong with you, Wendy?
- Of for crying out loud...
Wendy stepped to the console from the other side, and before Ford, Stan or Mabel could react, she slammed her fist on the button. In an eye-blink, the three figures disappeared, leaving a shimmering cylinder of light behind them, and a very perplexed Dipper Pines staring at now empty portal. Dipper caught the glimpse of their stunned faces, as well as Mabel's hand trying to reach Wendy's, which, like a mirage, turned into thin air.
- Wait, how-
Wendy scooted back to the console, pulling Dipper to join her.
- Dipper, I wanted to tell you earlier, but... Well, I guess this will have to do. We're not the only two humans on board.
- What do you mean? - Dipper asked, getting progressively more confused.
Focused on her mission, Wendy begun punching the keys in order, and only when she saw her husband's astonished face, she turned around to him, meeting him with a faint mixture of happiness and fear painted on her face.
- Dipper, I... I'm pregnant.
Wendy took a deep breath and pulled the dumbstruck Dipper into a kiss, before she turned to the console and resumed entering the combination of squiggly buttons. She stopped, when she noticed her husband's motionless face in the corner of her eye.
- Dipper? You okay? I wanted to tell you before, but we kind got dragged here, and...
- You... are going to... We... I mean, I...
- Well, yeah, buddy.
She smiled, giving him another hug, happy to see a change of emotion on his face.
- Of course! That's why this darn thing didn't want to work! - Dipper suddenly gushed - Cos' you counted as two, I guess.
- At the very least, knowing your family. - she winked - Together?
Once they moved to their spots, the two placed their hands on the button, letting their fingers intertwine. They pushed the switch, waiting for the tingling sensation of their bodies being teleported down to Earth, where undoubtedly Stan and Ford were already planning defence against the alien threat.
But no such thing occurred.
The console didn't even emit the disappointing buzzing signal, as the button under their hands became motionless, despite the pressure.
Instead, a sound of sliding metallic door reached their ears, and five levitating men in a business suits floated from both sides, in a slow, ominous fashion. Cornered by the aliens, the two adventurers moved back from the console, both trying to out-protect the other one; Dipper constantly moved in front of his wife, while Wendy pushed him aside, ready to swing her axe at any given moment.
When their backs hit the metallic wall at the same time, the two exchanged a nervous, knowing look.
- Together?
Even in this desperate situation, Wendy's voice was full of the same confidence Dipper got so used to over the years. Understanding their fate, he gave her a nod, and flexed his body, ready to attack.
- Alright, you snooty bastards, if you don't let us out, you will know how planet Earth tastes like. - Wendy spun her axe and held it with both her hands. - You gonna regret this-
With a loud "clunk", an axe fell to the floor. In an eyeblink, Wendy's voice cracked, halting her speech. Dipper spun his head around, only to find her eyes wide open and her face mortified in a grimace he hasn't seen yet. Wendy grabbed her belly with one hand, and Dipper's shoulder with the other, when her knees got weak, dragging her nearly to the floor.
- Wendy! What did they- What did you do to my wife? - Dipper shouted to the motionless foes.
First came the sound. An awful, deep, gurgling sound. Then the smell - a horrid stench hit Dipper's nostrils. After that, the stream of vomit escaped Wendy's mouth, landing on the closest alien's jacket and trousers.
- Son of a... it was suppose to happen in the morning, dammit! I already had one today! - Wendy shouted into the floor, wiping her face with her arm, still hanging to Dipper as a support.
Without thinking, Dipper ran to her side, picked up the axe and armed with the only weapon he had, stood between her and the aliens, spreading his arms to protect her, preparing for the worst.
It is safe to say that he wasn't prepared for what happened next.
The alien stained by Wendy's vomit lowered his hat, as if examining the ooze, then turned his invisible head to its mates, first on the left, then on the right. The faceless alien raised its empty space under its hat, and emitted a loud, screeching sound, that strengthened when the other four aliens joined him. At the same moment, lights on the ceiling begun rapidly blinking in an ominous, dark yellow colour, followed by the ones above the doors and inside the corridors behind them. Which meant one thing: the door were working, and so could the teleporter.
- Quick, Wendy, now!
Dipper grabbed Wendy's hand, ducked, and raced to the console in the middle of the spaceship, leaving the aliens lamenting in the same place. Still somewhat weakened, Wendy grabbed onto the teleporter console, ready to shield Dipper punching the coordinates. She flinched when the aliens stopped screaming and turned around to face - if one could call that - her and Dipper.
- YOU HAVE CONTAMINATED THE SUIT WITH YOUR EARTH COOTIES! NOW WE NEED TO CLEAN THE ENTIRE SHIP, YOU INCONSIDERATE LESSER LIFE FORMS, YOU! THE FINEST DARK MATTER SUIT, DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH IT IS WORTH?
- No, and frankly, we don't give a damn. - Wendy shouted, standing by her husband.
The four aliens that remained operational begun steadily moving towards the centre of the ship with their arms ready to grab the two humans, but they ceased their unnatural gliding movement when Dipper unceremoniously grabbed Wendy by her sides and pushed her - to her astonishment as well - in front of him.
- Don't come any closer! I've got my pregnant wife, and I'm not afraid to use he- That actually sounds awful, the more I think about it, doesn't it?
- I think it doesn't really matter, Dip. - she replied - But yeah, who wants more of my morning sickness?
Seeing her open mouth, the aliens floated back a bit, giving Dipper time to punch the last signs on the console.
- So, that's all, guys. Sorry for the inconvenience, but we really need to go.
- Send us the cleaning bill, if you have those.
Wendy waved aggressors goodbye with her axe, before the two adventurers disappeared in the beam of light. The five aliens floated in their places, occasionally sharing a hat-turn.
- YOU KNOW IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, GUYS. - the levitating alien with destroyed suit shouted - IT WAS MY FOLKS'S SHIP, AND YOU KNOW HE'S GONNA GROUND ME FOR, LIKE, FOREVER, RIGHT?
- AND WHO WANTED TO CONQUER A PLANET WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? - asked another, raising his invisible brows.
- SHUT UP AND HELP ME CLEAN THIS MESS!
Wendy was overjoyed, when she felt the grass underneath her feet. The next moment, Dipper's arms grabbed her and pushed her away from underneath the saucer, back through the asphalt parking lot to hide inside the deserted building. But for quite a long time nothing happened. Nothing nefarious, at least. From the safety of the ground underneath their feet, Wendy and Dipper stared at the flying saucer floating above them, regaining strength after their escape.
Before either of them could so much as ask of each other's safety, a sound of screeching tires reached their ears, when two cars did a sharp turn, driving to the parking. Mabel and Ford jumped out of the first one, followed by Stan, while sheriff Blubs and Durland not so much exited, as peeked from their seats, ready to do their duties, whatever they might be.
- This is Gravity Falls police. - Blubs begun speaking through the megaphone he raised in the air. - Do you know why did we stop you?
- Wendy! Dipper!
Only now the two saw that Ford was carrying on his back something that looked like a combination of a bazooka and a toaster, with two cartridges rammed into it. And running in front of him was a colourful ball of sweater that threw her arms around Wendy's and Dipper's necks. Dipper patted Mabel's head, ensuring her they are safe.
- I thought you'll be still there! What happened?
The air above them rumbled once more, and the spinning spaceship suddenly dashed to the side, floating higher and higher, before disappearing between the thick clouds.
- I think they-they're gone. - Dipper replied, gently pushing his sister that outrun Ford and clang to his neck in a tight hug. - But we'd be done if not for Wendy.
- What took you so long? - Ford inquired, taking the enormous device from his back - When I saw you weren't coming, I was going to try overwriting their system with my ionic cannon, to make the teleporter work properly.
- Or you could have just blasted their engines down. That usually works - Stand added
- Well, if my plan would fail...
- Stan, Ford, we are okay. - Dipper assured them - Though I think Wendy needs to go to the hospital, like, right now.
- Yeah, this time I might actually need to. - Wendy admitted, sending Dipper a subtle wink - But, please, don't overreact Dipper, I don't need help walking.
- And you know I will. - Dipper smiled and offered Wendy his shoulder again.
The lumberjill rolled her eyes, accepting his help from one side, and Mabel's from the other, as the five (visible) human beings slowly moved towards Ford's van.
- We are going to let you free this time - Sheriff Blubs shouted through megaphone at the empty sky - But just you know, we have your numbers!
Blubs put his megaphone away and leaned to his partner.
- You got their plate, right?
- Sure do!
Durland showed him his notepad, with a crudely drawn flying saucer on one of its pages.
- Good work, deputy. They won't have the guts to show up again in this state.
One of the first ideas Dipper and Wendy implemented in planning their small, cosy wooden house was en entrance to the roof. Just like the one atop the Mystery Shack, theirs was designed for watching the night sky, sunbathing or general outdoor laziness. Tonight, however, the two mattresses placed on the slanted roof acted as a mean to contemplate.
- When were you going to tell me? - Dipper asked, stroking absent-mindedly Wendy's long hair, waiting for next shooting star to fly by
- On your birthday, perhaps? Maybe a day earlier, so you wouldn't faint in front of everyone... - she joked, staring into the cloudless sky as well.
Silence fell between the two stargazers, waiting for each other's first move to start a new topic.
- We're gonna need to make the house a bit bigger.
- Yep. - Wendy replied - Don't sweat it, Dad is going to help us. I've been thinking one room upstairs and some extra closet downstairs, underneath it, what do you think?
- Uh-uh.
Another minute or two passed, filled with nothing else than awkward grunts and coughs.
- Wendy, you know we can't really continue what we're doing, right?
- Yeah. - she said despondently, avoiding Dipper's eyes
- I mean, you can't. - Dipper added - I'm not gonna risk yours or our child's life, so I will have to double the-
- Oh, for crying out loud, Dip. - Wendy rose from her seat. - First of all, it's either both of us, or neither. I won't let you wander alone into some ancient temple without me around to save your life.
- And neither will I! - he snapped back - I can bring Ford, or Mabel, they would love it! - Dipper protested, half-exasperated, half-astonished by Wendy's sudden change of tone
- And secondly, Dipper - she brought her face close to his - When was the last time you actually managed to change my mind?
Despite her outburst, a smile appeared on her face, a moment before their lips met in long, consolatory kiss.
- Al-right, adventures over, I guess. Unless it's something local that pops up. - he pointed his finger towards her, anticipating her response.
- Okay, as long as I will be able to drive and protect your ass. - Wendy rolled her eyes.
Neither of them felt like the conclusion they reached have satisfied them, and Wendy already could predict more than few arguments in the future, but for now, at least they had a short-term plan.
- I'm gonna hit the hay, Dip. - Wendy stood up and opened the trap door - You coming?
- In a moment. - Dipper mumbled, staring into the night sky again - Wendy, do you think they will come back?
- Dip...
- You would think that if they wanted to, they would be here already, but then again, it turns out we are their worst nightmares!
- Dipper...
- All you have to is to eat lots of fast-food, and boom! Instant weapon! Seven billion of them! I mean, the only thing worse would be if they were afraid of water, or wood! And how come the government did nothing about it? This place should be crawling with agents! Ford was going to call them, and all we got was darn Durland and Blubs!
- Mason!
Hearing her raised voice, Dipper turned his head only to find his wife half-way down the ladder leading to their bedroom.
- You know, I thought that after five years of dating, two years of marriage, and an actual bun in my oven you would figure this out, but I'm gonna spell it out. - Wendy articulated, leaning on the roof tiles - If a woman says she's gonna "rest", but she's doesn't actually look tired at all, then she probably means something else.
Dipper blinked once or twice, before his eyes grew wider and he jumped to his feet after his wife, closing the hatch behind him. All the problems of the Universe was nothing compared to Dipper's fear of failing to meet Wendy's expectations, even though to her that never happened. "But it never hurts to give him a light push every once in a while", Wendy thought as Dipper begun exceeding her expectations the moment the two fell onto their bed.
Several hundred miles away, a different discussion was taking place.
- Okay, so you've been sitting here all day, waiting for something to come up, right?
Two men in black uniforms with very visible heads sat across the table, staring at a much younger employee of the government-operated facility codenamed "Big Nose". Various monitors around the room showed all kinds of communication channels being either listened to, spoofed, controlled, or in one case, completely ignored.
- Well, yes. - the young man nodded eagerly
- And the signal was recorded and printed out? - inquired the second agent.
- Yes.
- And have you cross-referenced it with existing data?
- Oh, yes! - the excited man answered, pushing an old piece of paper. - It matched perfectly the frequency of the hypothesised alien communication channel from forty years ago.
Powers and Trigger took a closer look at the paper, dotted with numbers and letter, with one unusual group selected in bright red with word "Wow!" around.
- And what did you do next? - Powers asked, raising his eyes from the paper
- Well, the one that came this afternoon looked exactly the same, had the same parameters, and was detected from the same part of the Universe, so I marked it accordingly.
He handed them another piece of paper, taken from a nearby bin. It looked remarkably similar to the previous one, except the same group of letters were marked as "Meh".
Agents Trigger and Powers exchanged looks, before the carefree man in front of them, playing with a toy rocket in his hands, became the centre of their attention again.
- We're gonna be relocated again, aren't we?
- Yep.