**Note: Not all of the quotes are quotes that I have come up with myself. Some of them were taken from the actual anime, or rephrased**
My memories came to me so clearly now…I'm always reminded of how hated I was. Right from the start, everyone in Sunagakure had always resented and hated me, all because of how I had Shukaku sealed inside of me.
No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried to be friends with everyone, I was constantly shunned by everyone…despised…even by my own father. It took me so long to finally understand to love only myself, because no one else would.
I lay in my bed as I let my memories take over and flood my mind.
"I watched from afar as the rest of the kids played together, not even noticing me. one of them had accidentally kicked their ball too high and it landed on one of the nearby buildings, completely out of their reach. They had always hated me, but I thought that maybe if I helped them out and was nice to them, they would finally like me. Since Shukaku had been possessed by my body (or rather should I say my body is possessed by this horrid creature), I had been allowed to control the sand around me. I used this unique ability to carry the ball back to me. They looked at each other in confusion until they saw the reason their ball had been mysteriously carried away by the sand. I took the ball in my hand and offered it to them, smiling.
"It's that Gaara kid!" one of them screamed as they all took off running.
"Wait, don't leave me!" I pleaded, the sand I manipulated grabbing them by the legs and pulling them back. I didn't mean to hurt them, but at least it kept them from leaving…I wanted so desperately to have friends…to not be alone anymore... My sand was just about to go after one of the kids when someone jumped in the way.
"Gaara, no!" Instantly I stopped. It was Yashamaru. Because of my attack, it had left his arm and his forehead all bloody. "You can't do this! You'll end up hurting them!" he said.
Suddenly, I had remembered a conversation Yashamaru and I had started later.
I had been questioning pain, taking note that whatever I tried to do, the sand would instantly rush to my aid, without me even telling it to do so. It would block whatever instrument I would attempt in using to wound me. I turned to see Yashamaru standing at the doorway.
"Please, Gaara. It hurts me to see you do that…even though the sand he would protect you anyway." He said, walking up to me. I apologized sadly, for both trying to harm myself and unintentionally harming him. He simply put it off as if it were no big deal, hurting him like that.
"…Tell me, Yashamaru…what does pain feel like? I've never been injured before…and I have no clue as to what it is like…" I said. He thought for a moment before speaking.
"Pain is like…when you're harmed, it's a feeling that is difficult to take. It's a situation you want to avoid, if at all possible." He explained. I examined his wounds and felt guilty for what I had done.
"Do you…dislike me…like all of the others?" I questioned, frowning. He explained that everyone goes through life hurting others, and that it wasn't easy for people to hate one another.
"Thanks a lot, Yashamaru! I think I understand what pain is now." I said, grinning up at him. "I think I'm hurting as well…I'm always in pain. I'm not bleeding, although I feel a pain right here." I said, clutching my chest where my heart was.
He said nothing; only simply took the knife that I was holding from my hands and cut his finger, a sliver of scarlet running from the newly formed wound.
He then clarified the point to me of how blood will surely flow from a wound; but after a while, the pain fades away, as does the wound itself. He said medicine assists in healing the wound even faster.
But, he mentioned that a wound to the heart was dangerous, and had more trouble healing than anything else. He told me that a wound to the heart was different from a wound to the flesh, as there was no medicine to heal it and it, in fact, may never heal.
He said love could heal a heart's wound. He said it was the heart's desire to serve someone close to you, and to care for them. He believed my mother's love and will was carried in the sand that protected me from injury.
"Thank you, for all of your help, Yashamaru." I said.
"You're very welcome, Gaara. After all, you're special. You're very dear to me." he said, grinning at me.
I wanted to hold this memory dear to me, just as Yashamaru had told me I was dear to him. I wanted so desperately for that to be a happy memory that could make me smile.
But I knew what he said was all a damn lie. And because of that, I hated Yashamaru with every morsel of my being. I hated everyone. No one had ever loved me.
The only one who had ever showed me any kindness basically tore my heart out and stomped on it before spitting in my face.
When I later discovered this lie, I immediately began to feel the anger and hatred boil and fester inside of me, worse than before.
I sank back into my thoughts and began recalling yet another memory.
I sat on top of the building, thinking deeply.
Why had I even bothered giving those kids medicine? I tried to be nice and make amends for how I had hurt them, but I just got the door slammed in my face.
Why did they all hate me so badly, despite any and all actions I had done to be nice? Everyone always stared at me with those eyes.
Why? Why were they so filled with a fiery hatred? Even my own father…
I was right…no one wants me.
"Why do I have to be such a freak? What am I?" I thought to myself. I immediately thought of Yashamaru's words, telling me that only one thing can cure a wounded heart…and that thing was love. I cried and clutched the area of my chest where beneath it, my heart beat like a depressing metronome; aching for this loneliness to end.
Suddenly, the sand I possessed rushed to make a barrier to guard my back, and 5 kunai were implanted in the barricade of sand. Startled, I turned to see a masked ninja, throwing more kunai at me.
"Why? Why me? Why is it always me?" I questioned myself in my thoughts, becoming angry. My sand created yet another wall to protect me from this round of kunai, and I quickly switched to the offense. I wrapped him in a thick layer of sand and forced it to squeeze as tight as it could. Blood splattered everywhere, raining down on the rooftop.
Scared, I questioned who he was and what he wanted from me. I understood the village hated me, but I never expected anyone to actually attempt in killing me. I peered down at his hand to see his ring finger bandaged, just as Yashamaru had.
"No…it can't be…" I thought. I took a deep breath and hesitantly took off the unknown ninja's mask. I was horrified to see who it was. I realize that I should have known but…it was still all so shocking…
"You did well, Gaara." Yashamaru said. I couldn't understand…I didn't want to understand. My heart instantly started to ache, more than I could ever imagine. Why…Why would he do this? How could he ever do this? My mind started to feel completely unstable with confusion and the incapability to understand. So many emotions were beginning to well, getting all jumbled up in my head. Tears formed in my eyes and before I knew it, I was on the ground, bawling.
"Why? Why Yashamaru? Why would you do it?" I cried. "Tell me why…"
"They were the lord kazekage's orders…Your father had ordered me to kill you." he said.
"But why? Why me?" I said, sobbing.
"Because your body possesses the Shukaku, the living sand spirit. It was all part of an experiment. You've been watched and studied all your life, and it has been clear that you wouldn't be able to control this beast inside of you. It is the very thing that grants you the ability to manipulate the sand like you do. It was obvious that you'd one day become too big of a threat to Sunagakure. You have to be annihilated before that day comes.
Relief rushed through me.
"So…you did it because of orders…you had no choice?" A smile formed on my face. I was glad to know that he only did it because he had to. But that feeling quickly dissipated, and that smile faded away.
"No, Gaara. You're wrong. I had a choice…" he said. "I could have simply refused. I've been thinking and…I think I've come to realize that... I hate you Gaara." His words pierced my already damaged heart so deep. "I've always hated you…" he whispered. "I could never forgive you. My beloved sister had died just to bring you into this world. I tried to love you, because you were the closest thing I had to her. But I never could…it was only hate that I could feel for you. When she died, I felt a wound in my heart surface… a wound that I knew could never heal…"
I thought about the words Yashamaru spoke to me earlier, when he told me about pain and wounds to the heart.
"Your name is Gaara; a demon that loves only itself, as you must love no one else. Care for no one's existence but your own. Fight only for yourself. In that way you will be sure to survive. You're mother gave your name not out of love for you, but out of the eternal, everlasting hatred for this village. Her hate lives on in you, Gaara. You were never loved…never." I hated hearing his hurtful words so much.
In a final attempt to kill me, he opened his jacket to reveal his body covered in explosive tags that went off. The sand protectively saved me from the explosion, but Yashamaru had died.
I cried, the hurting feeling taking over me. I could not stand all of these lies…about this 'love' Yashamaru had told me about earlier. Bawling and sobbing, the mental instability came on, almost like a panic attack would.
I felt that demonic beast Shukaku inside me awaken…
It was then that I controlled the sand to engrave the kanji symbol for love onto my forehead.
A demon that loves only itself…if it is a self-loving carnage that I must be…then that is what I will be…