Disclaimer : No matter how many times I up my bid, or however many pleading
letters I send, or however many times I attempt to steal the deeds from the
copyright office myself (or have someone else try for me), or however many
times I try to get the characters to simply run away with me, I shall never
own Forgotten Realms or its people. (turns and bawls on Jarlaxle's
shoulder)
The Halloweenies
By Semdai Bloodquill
(Semdai paces absently in the living room. Jarlaxle, Dantrag and Berg'inyon Baenre, along with Artemis Entreri and Ivan and Pikel Bouldershoulder, all sit in comfortable chairs watching her. A coffe table in front of them is adorned by various cans of highly sugared soda.)
Semdai - (pacing) Where are they?
Entreri - Who?
Semdai - The others.
Entreri - What others?
Semdai - The other people I invited to this pathetic excuse for comedy.
Entreri - (slaps his forehead) You're hopeless.
Jarlaxle - (laughs heartily) Semdai you need to relax.
Semdai - (stops pacing in front of Jarlaxle) We can't start the story without the others.
Dantrag - Technically we've already started.
Semdai - (glares at Dantrag) Interrupt me with another of those smart-ass remarks again and I'll
make you wish that I didn't resurrect you in such fine condition.
Dantrag - (remembers a mob of squealing preppy fans) No! Not the Dreaded Mob of Various Character Fans!
Semdai - Yes, the Dreaded Mob of Various Character Fans.
Pikel - Ooo...
Jarlaxle - (takes Semdai's hand) Now, now, Semdai, you need to relax. Sit down with me.
(Semdai obediently sits in Jarlaxle's lap and curls herself up in his arms. He puts his feet up on the coffee table before them.)
Jarlaxle - Now isn't this nice?
Semdai - (calmly) Get your feet off my coffee table.
Jarlaxle - Yes Ma'am. (gets his feet off the coffee table and prepares to dump Semdai on the floor)
Semdai - Hey! I just remembered something!
Dantrag - (picks up a Orange Soda from the coffee table and opens it) What's that?
Berg'inyon - That's Orange Soda.
Dantrag - I know that's Orange Soda! I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the great and mighty Semdai. (attempts to bow while sitting but ends up falling forward into the coffee table) Semdai - If you spill soda on my coffee table I'll give you to the mob. And by the way flattery gets you nowhere with me.
Dantrag - (fumbles desperately to keep from dropping his soda) Yes Mistress!
Jarlaxle - (amused by all this) So what did you remember?
Entreri - That Semdai has short term memory loss?
Semdai - (grabs a Mountain Dew from the table and chucks it at Entreri) Take that Asshole!
Entreri - What! (turns to face Semdai and gets hit in the nose by the can of Mountain Dew, which bounces off his face and flies toward Pikel)
Pikel - (catches the soda) Ooo! (prepares to open the soda)
Ivan - Doodad, wait!
Pikel - (opens the soda, which goes flying drenching everyone with Mountain Dew) Ooo!
Berg'inyon - (dives under the couch) Soda pop! Take cover!
(The now empty can falls and hits Dantrag on the head)
Dantrag - (rubs his head) Damn can.
Berg'inyon - (peeks out from under the couch) Is it safe?
Semdai - Relatively so.
Berg'inyon - (crawls out from under the couch)
Ivan - Durn Doodad.
Semdai - What were we talking about?
Dantrag - What Semdai remembered that was important.
Semdai - Oh yeah!
Jarlaxle - What was that?
Semdai - What?
Jarlaxle - What was that.
Semdai - No, what was that?
Jarlaxle - (very confused) What was what?
Semdai - What was it you said what for?
Entreri - Am I the only one who's confused?
Ivan - No, I am too.
Entreri - Good, then it's not just me.
Jarlaxle - I meant what did you remember.
Semdai - (simply) I never said the disclaimer for this story.
Jarlaxle - Really... (once again prepares to dump Semdai)
Semdai - (realizes Jarlaxle's plan and, using his lower abdomen as a launch- pad, jumps off his lap, grabbing his hat as she goes) HA HA!
Jarlaxle - (groans and scrunches up as Semdai's escape compresses his male tender spot)
Semdai - (now wearing Jarlaxle's hat) That'll teach you. Hey Artemis, will you do the disclaimer?
Entreri - (attempting to realign his nose after being hit with the soda can) Don't call me Artemis!
Semdai - (turns to Dantrag and calls sweetly) Oh Dantrag!
Dantrag - Do I have to?
Semdai - (Imitates a member of the Dreaded Mob of Various Character Fans with a sweet, preppy voice) Oh Dantrag, you're so sexy! Give us a snog you sexy thing! Will you let us rub lotion on you! (notices that Dantrag is having too much fun and adds in her normal voice) Dantrag, let us strip you stark naked, dangle you on a hook, and play with you until you cry for death!
Dantrag - (horrified) I'll do it! Semdai does not own me, Jarlaxle, Artemis-
Entreri -DON'T CALL ME ARTEMIS!!!
Dantrag - Or anybody else from Forgotten Realms.
Jarlaxle - (slowly recovering from having his genitals used as a launch- pad) Can I have my outrageously plumed hat back?
Semdai - No, you tried to drop me.
Jarlaxle - Did not!
Dantrag - Well actually Jarlaxle, according to the script- (pulls the scrip out from under the cushion of his chair)
Semdai - (slaps her forehead) So that's where I put it!
Entreri - (shakes his head slowly)
Dantrag - (reading the script) It says here, 'Jarlaxle - Really... Once again prepares to dump Semdai.'
Jarlaxle - (rubs his head and chuckles despite the pain in his lower body) I guess that makes me guilty.
Entreri - (imitates Nelson from 'The Simpsons') Ha ha!
Jarlaxle - So can I have my outrageously plumed hat back?
Semdai - (thinks) Nope. (suddenly dashes forward and snatches a helpless Jarlaxle's eye patch)
Jarlaxle - (leaps after Semdai) No! Not my customary eye patch! (chases Semdai in circles)
Berg'inyon - (shakes his head) Shame on you, Jarlaxle.
Jarlaxle - (eventually backs Semdai into a corner) Now give my stuff back.
Semdai - (whips out a "wand" and points it at Jarlaxle) Get back! I've got a wand and I know how to use it!
Jarlaxle - (calmly) Semdai, that's a stick covered in duct tape.
Semdai - (shrugs) So I sat on it a few times, it still works. Observe. (flicks the wand and a ball of light shoot out of its tip and ricochets around the room)
Berg'inyon - Flying ball of light! (dives back under the couch) Take cover!
(The door opens and Drizzt arrives Catti-brie, Wulfgar, Regis, and Bruenor behind him. The light ball collides with Drizzt's head sending him crashing backwards down a flight of stairs into utter blackness.)
Semdai - Oops. (runs to the rail) Drizzt! Can you hear me!
Echo - Can you hear me... hear me... me...
Semdai - I asked you first!
Echo - I asked you first... first...
Semdai - No sir!
Echo - No sir... No sir.. sir...
Semdai - Shut up!
Echo - Shut up... up...
Semdai - No you shut up!
Echo - No you shut up... shut up...
Semdai - No you first!
Entreri - (smacks Semdai up the back side of her head) Quit yelling at your echo!
Semdai - (crosses her arms over her chest) Well HE started it.
Catti-brie - What about Drizzt?
Semdai - Oh yeah! (leans over the banister) Drizzt!
(No answer comes. Dantrag joins them at the rail.)
Entreri - (shocked) You killed him, Semdai.
Drizzt - (from below the dark clouds hovering around the bottom of the stairs) Stop telling people I'm dead!
Entreri - (tearfully) How could you, Semdai, Drizzt was supposed to die in a final conclusive battle against me, not get hit with a shiny ball and fall down a staircase! (turns and cries on Dantrag's shoulder.) Why!
Drizzt - (still below the clouds) I said stop telling people I'm dead!
Entreri - (sadly) I can still hear his voice. (sniffles)
Semdai - Just how hard did that can hit you?
Dantrag - (nervously pats the sobbing Entreri on the back) There, there, Artemis.
Entreri - (pulls out his jeweled dagger and stabs it into Dantrag's belly) I said don't call me Artemis!
Dantrag - (falls to the ground holding his belly) Ok, Ok! (groans) Don't have a cow.
Semdai - (kicks Entreri in the rear) What do you think you're doing!?
Entreri - (rubs his rump) Stabbing Dantrag. (wipes the blood off his dagger)
Semdai - (fuming) That is completely unexceptable! There will be no more stabbing in this ramble unless it is done by me or Jarlaxle!
Entreri - Hey that's not fair! How come Jarlaxle gets to stab people?!
Semdai - Because I think Jarlaxle is very sexy. (Pikel comes running over with the script) What? (Pikel shows it to Semdai. She reads it) Oh! Thank you Pikel. (Pikel runs off) Excuse me, Jarlaxle gets to stab people because he's older than me.
Entreri - (gets in Semdai's face) I'm older than you too!
Semdai - (matches Entreri's moves) Well I'm the author (points a finger at herself) and this is my ramble and if you don't stop arguing with me then I'll give you to The Mob! (pokes Entreri in the chest) Ooo! You're muscular. (pokes him again)
Entreri - (runs away and hides in the bathroom) Rape! Rape!
Semdai - (shrugs) Oh well, you win a few you lose a few.
Dantrag - Hello? I'm like bleeding from a mortal wound here!
Semdai - Oh yeah. (bends over and stares at Dantrag's wound) You'll live. Just suck the blood.
Dantrag - (confused) From my stomach?
Semdai - Want me to do it for you?
Dantrag - (quickly) No! No, that's Ok! I'll manage.
Semdai - (leans over the railing) Drizzt, are you all right down there?
Drizzt - I can't feel my toes!
Semdai - That's great, Drizzt!
Catti-brie - (charges down the stairs with Wulfgar, Bruenor, and Regis tailing behind) I'm coming, Drizzt!
Semdai - See ya when you get back! Bring Kellindil up if you find him!
(Jarlaxle tries to creep up on Semdai but she notices and sends a light ball in his direction. The ball hits him in the chest and launches him backward into his chair, which promptly topples over backward.)
Semdai - (blows on her wand as if it were a gun) That'll teach you to sneak up on me.
Berg'inyon - (still hiding under the couch, but with his rump protruding) Is it safe?
Semdai - (smiles evilly) No. (shoots Berg'inyon in the rump with another light ball)
Berg'inyon - (yelps as he is shoved far enough under the couch to get stuck)
Dantrag - (still holding his belly) Ha !
Jarlaxle - (pulls himself up, rubbing his chest) That hurt.
Ivan - Sweet Mother of Pearl!
All - What?
Ivan - (points at Jarlaxle) He's become-
Pikel - (interrupts) DUN DUN DUN!
Ivan - (continues) -a teenage drow!
Jarlaxle - What? (looks himself over)
Semdai - Ivan's right. Hey, Jarlaxle's got hair!
Jarlaxle - (reaches up fearfully and feels silky, white hair on his once bald head. A horrified look crosses his face.) NOOO! (gets up and runs for the bathroom) I hate hair!
Entreri - (walks out of the bathroom, the swinging door smacks into Jarlaxle's face, knocking him backwards) Is it safe out yet?
Berg'inyon - (trying to get un-stuck from the couch) No! It's not safe! Flee while you still can!
Semdai - Berg'inyon sounds different.
Dantrag - Really?
Jarlaxle - (obliviously rolls on the ground holding his nose) Oh God that hurts!
Semdai - (approaches Berg'inyon's rump) Give me a hand here you guys! (grabs hold of Berg'inyon's rear)
Berg'inyon - Hey! Who's grabbing my ass!
Dantrag - (grabs Semdai's waist) Ready!
Ivan - (grabs Dantrag's waist) Ready!
Pikel - (grabs Ivan's waist) Doodad!
Semdai - You too, Entreri!
Entreri - No! This time I'm putting my foot down, Semdai, I will not do what you say!
Semdai - (lets go of Berg'inyon, pulls out her wand, and waves it menacingly at Entreri's groin) Do it or else.
Entreri - (Grabs Pikel's shoulders) Yes Ma'am!
Semdai - Now let's try this again. (grabs Berg'inyon's rump again)
Berg'inyon - Stop grabbing my ass!
Semdai - On three!
Berg'inyon - What happens on three?
Semdai - One... Two.. THREE!
(Everyone, except Jarlaxle who is still rolling on the floor holding his nose, pulls very hard. After a few seconds, Berg'inyon comes free of the couch, sending everyone tumbling backwards eventually landing in a huge heap. Berg'inyon ends up in Semdai's lap.)
Semdai - (immediately squeezes Berg'inyon like a stuffed animal) Oh he's so cute as a teenage drow!
Berg'inyon - (eyes bulging) Help! Wait a minute! Teenage drow?!
Semdai - Yes. It would appear that my magic light balls have magical properties that magically make people turn back into teenagers.
Ivan - She likes magic.
Entreri - Tell us about it.
(A scream from Catti-brie erupts)
All - Huh?
Catti-brie - Semdai! What have you done to Drizzy!?
Entreri - Drizzy?
Catti-brie - (comes charging up the stairs, dragging a teenage Drizzt behind her) Look what yer stupid light ball did to him!
Semdai - (shrugs) It happened to Jar and Bergy too.
Entreri - Jar and Bergy?
Ivan - Did she get hit with a soda can too?
Drizzt - (looks himself over) I'm young again.
Dantrag - (crawls out from under Semdai) You were always young by drow standards. And by the way, Semdai, might I add a comment?
Semdai - (sitting on Dantrag) If you must.
Dantrag - Your butt is very soft.
Semdai - Thank you, Dandy.
Entreri - Dandy?
Semdai - That's right, Arty.
Entreri - Arty!? Arty!? That's it! The nicknaming has to stop! Where do you come up with these things?!
Semdai - I don't know.
Dantrag - (drumming his fingers on the floor while Semdai is still sitting on him) Same place she gets her crazy story ideas I suppose.
Semdai - Hey boys, I got an idea.
Berg'inyon - (leaps out of Semdai's arms) Take Cover! Semdai's got an idea! (dives under the couch)
Semdai - (gets off Dantrag and kicks Berg'inyon's exposed rump for good measure) Take that!
Berg'inyon - Ouchie!
Semdai - (clears throat) Anyway... Who wants to see what Artemis was like as a teenager?
Entreri - (backs up slowly with his hands up) You wouldn't!
Semdai - Yes I would! (shoots a light ball at Entreri)
Entreri - NO! (turns to run but gets hit in the back by the light ball and falls)
Semdai - (blows on her wand again)
Dantrag - (gets up and brushes himself off) Nice shot.
Jarlaxle - (still holding his nose) I'll say.
Semdai - How's your nose?
Jarlaxle - I think it's broken.
Semdai - Is that all? (snaps her fingers and Jarlaxle's nose resets itself)
Jarlaxle - Wow! Thanks.
Catti-brie - SEMDAI!!!
Semdai - That's my name and don't wear it out.
Catti-brie - Look what you've done to Drizzt!
Dantrag - Didn't we just say she made him young again?
Catti-brie - Change him back!
Semdai - Can't.
Catti-brie - WHY?!
Semdai - (shrugs) Don't know how.
Catti-brie - That's it! (tries to tackle Semdai)
Jarlaxle - (waves his hand and makes Catti-brie levitate away from Semdai)
Semdai - (bows) My Thanks.
Jarlaxle - One favor deserves another.
Catti-brie - Put me down!
Jarlaxle - (drops her on her rear) Better?
Catti-brie - Asshole.
Jarlaxle - Suit yourself.
Semdai - Hey, do you guys know what today is?
Entreri - (getting up) Saturday, stupid.
Semdai - No! Well that too, but it's Halloween!
Jarlaxle - What in Menzoberranzan is Halloween?
Semdai - Only one of the best holidays of the year!
Entreri - I wanna be demon this year. (rubs his hands together and smiles evilly)
Semdai - Teenage Artemis reminds me of a Neo-Sephiroth.
Entreri - (glares at Semdai) Don't call me Artemis.
Semdai - Who wants to go trick-or-treating with me tonight?
Berg'inyon - (crawls out from under the couch) Me!
Dantrag - Me!
Jarlaxle - Me!
Pikel - Doodad!
Ivan - Me!
Drizzt - Me!
Catti-brie - Oh no you're not.
Drizzt - Party-pooper.
Semdai - Since when are you his mother?
Catti-brie - Who knows what you'll put him through!
Semdai - Nothing worse than when you tried to rape him in Siege of Darkness.
Catti-brie - Hey! That wasn't my fault! Khazad'Hea made me do it!
Semdai - Oh give it up, we all know you wanted it.
Catti-brie - No!
Semdai - Anybody who's read a RAS book with you and Drizzt in it knows you've got the major hots for him.
Catti-brie - (blushes) Shut up!
Wulfgar - If I could get a word in-
Catti-brie - Stay out of this!
Semdai - (taunting voice) Oh come on, Catti-brie, you can't deny that Drizzt is one of the sexiest males alive.
Jarlaxle - What about us?
Semdai - (turns and gives Jarlaxle a sexy grin) I said 'ONE OF the sexiest males alive' for at least four good reasons.
Jarlaxle - (spins a pirouette) You are too kind, mademoiselle.
Dantrag - (slaps his forehead) Even as a teenager he was a lady's man.
Jarlaxle - You better believe it.
Dantrag - Your mother did a terrible job breaking you.
Jarlaxle - My mother was your mother too.
Dantrag - Oh yeah. My bad.
Semdai - You become a teenager! (shoots Dantrag with a light ball)
Dantrag - (spins several times from the impact) Yeah! I'm young again!
Catti-brie - See what you've done to them!
Semdai - Nothing bad.
Catti-brie - You've turned them into crazed, testosterone driven teenage boys!
Semdai - (slowly) And that's...bad?
Catti-brie - Yes!
Semdai - Why? They're more willing to have sex with me now.
Pikel - Ooo!
Catti-brie - That was completely inappropriate!
Jarlaxle - But true! (slaps Semdai's rump)
Semdai - (sexy-like) Ooo Jarlaxle!
Catti-brie - And this is supposed to be rated PG!
Dantrag - (pulls out the script again) Actually, PG-13.
Catti-brie - Still!
Semdai/Jarlaxle - What?
Catti-brie - You're acting like... like...
Semdai/Jarlaxle - Sex craving teenagers?
Catti-brie - Yes!
Semdai/Jarlaxle - (look at each other) But we ARE sex craving teenagers. (run off together laughing maniacally)
Ivan - O. K. That was the freakiest thing I've ever seen.
Dantrag - Hey. Now that Semdai's gone, who's gonna continue this ramble.
Ivan - It's continuing now isn't it?
Dantrag - According to my theory, (voice slowly becomes frantic as he speaks) the only reason we haven't disappeared yet is because we're making the story continue with our dialogue. In order to fully continue the piece we need an author or we will all descend into blackness and be forced to cut off the readers! (calmly) Granted that's the worse case scenario.
Catti-brie - So have one of us continue.
Dantrag - We can't!
Catti-brie - Why not?
Dantrag - We are the characters, we can't write the story or we won't be characters anymore.
Catti-brie - Isn't Semdai a character?
Dantrag - Technically no because she is the author and her presence in the actual story is merely an authorical presence.
Catti-brie - (frustrated) In Common Tongue please.
Berg'inyon - She put herself in her own story.
Catti-brie - Doesn't that seem pathetic to you?
(Catti-brie suddenly flies backward and crashes into the wall)
Catti-brie - What the Hell!
Dantrag - It would appear that even though Semdai is off fooling around with Jarlaxle she still exhibits a measure of control over the events here.
Berg'inyon - Dictionary reader.
Dantrag - (locks his fingers behind his head) I can't it help if Semdai made me smarter when she resurrected me.
Berg'inyon - Hey where's Artemis?
Entreri - (from the bathroom) Don't call me Artemis!
Dantrag - What's he doing in the bathroom?
Catti-brie - I'll check. (opens the door to see Entreri taking a leak. Her eyes get really big.)
Entreri - Hey! Can't a guy take a piss by himself!
Catti-brie - (her eyes get even bigger as she sees something she would rather not have seen)
Entreri - What are you staring at!?
Catti-brie - (runs from the room screaming in fear)
Entreri - (shrugs) What got into her?
Catti-brie - (runs into Dantrag) People are not meant to be that big!
Dantrag - (grossed out) I didn't need to know that.
Entreri - (from the bathroom) Why were you looking!
Catti-brie - I'm traumatized for life now!
Drizzt - (leans over to Wulfgar) I hope you don't wear an extra-large jock strap, Wulfgar.
Wulfgar - (glares at Drizzt) You sick, drow bastard.
Drizzt - That's actually true. I've had a cold lately and my dad wasn't married to my mother, at least not when I was born.
Wulfgar - (slaps his forehead) Not what I meant.
Pikel - Ooo...
Drizzt - (shrugs)
Bruenor - (leans over and whispers to Drizzt) A skinny wuss like that prob'ly can't even lift it if it's as big as me girl says.
Drizzt - (suppresses a laugh, which comes out as a snort, with a shit- eaten' grin on his face)
Entreri - (from the bathroom) I heard that, you stupid dwarf!
Bruenor - (sarcastically) I'm quaking' in my leather boots, Wussy Assassin!
Entreri - (emerges from the bathroom naked from head to waist) I am not a wussy assassin!
Bruenor - (pretends to be blinded) Ah! The whiteness of Entreri's chest! It burns!
Drizzt - (joins in) Too bright for my drow eyes! (turns away) Blinding white!
Entreri - (crosses his arms over his chest) You're just jealous that I'm better looking than you.
Wulfgar - Don't you ever go outside?
Entreri - (makes a cross with his fingers and hisses) Sunlight... (shivers) ...evil.
Wulfgar - Can we say "nutcase?"
Entreri - I DO go outside!
Drizzt - Yeah, at night.
Entreri - That counts.
Dantrag - I think our author problem has been solved.
Berg'inyon - How do ya figure?
Dantrag - (points to the wall as it opens into a doorway and Semdai steps out) See?
Semdai - (her hair is very messy and her clothes, which are actually Jarlaxle's, are on backwards) What'd we miss?
Jarlaxle - (steps out of the doorway next to Semdai. Oddly enough, he is wearing only [Semdai's] pants) Any thing juicy?
Entreri - (snobbishly) Well would ya look at what the astral shifting panther dragged in.
Wulfgar - Why is Jarlaxle wearing Semdai's pants?
Jarlaxle - (looks down and a confused look crosses his face) Now how did this happen?
Catti-brie - And how did Semdai get in Jarlaxle's pants?
Dantrag - I imagine it was quite simple for her to charm him into taking them off for her and-
Catti-brie - (tackles Dantrag and holds him down with a knife against his throat) It is vitally important to your life that you not finish that sentence.
Dantrag - (taking note that in order for Catti-brie to hold the knife on him she has to sit on his chest) Well you did ask. And might I add that this lap dance would be better if you scoot down a bit.
Catti-brie - (tries to cut Dantrag's throat savagely) YOU SICK, PERVERTED, EVIL, CONIVING, DROW BASTARD!!! (finds that her dagger can't penetrate his skin) What the Hell? Why won't you die?!
Semdai - Because he's my bitch and you can't kill him.
Catti-brie - (growls angrily) Bitch.
Semdai - Now get off Bitch #3's chest!
Catti-brie - Bitch #3?
Semdai - Yeah. Jarlaxle's #1, #2 isn't here yet, Dantrag's #3, Banana makes 4, and Entreri and Drizzy tie for 5.
Catti-brie - Who's Banana?
Semdai - Why Berg'inyon of course.
Catti-brie - (confused) Why is he called... (her voice trails off as she realizes what she is saying) Oh Gods! (runs screaming from the room) Mental image!
Semdai - Finally. I thought she'd never leave.
Wulfgar - (looks questioningly at Berg'inyon) Banana?
Berg'inyon - (grins wickedly) Oh yeah.
Semdai - Plus 'Banana' and 'Berg'inyon' both start with B.
Drizzt - Who's #2?
Semdai - I'm sure he'll show up soon. I'm expecting him right about... (checks her watch)
(The door bursts open and Zaknafein enters dragging Kellindil behind him by the seat of the gold elf's pants)
Kellindil - (clawing at the floor) No! I don't wanna go! I'm too young to die now!
Zaknafein - Oh quite your whining.
Semdai - ...now.
Zaknafein - Sorry we're late, Kellindil tried to cut and run when I told him where we were going.
Semdai - (seeming hurt) Kellindil, don't you like me?
Kellindil - (sarcastically) After you wrote this terribly descriptive death scene for me in your other Forgotten Realms fic in which I died a horrible and painful death, how could I possibly not like you?
Zaknafein - (kicks Kellindil in the rear) Hey lighten up, she wrote me a worse death scene than you and I'm not complaining.
Kellindil - Mine was more painful.
Zaknafein - Well in yours all that killed you was suffocation in one form or another.
Kellindil - So?
Zaknafein - In mine I was choked, punched, burned, gutted, stabbed, and had my heart torn out.
Jarlaxle - Now that's an impressive death.
Zaknafein - Damn right. So quite your complaining, you got it easy compared to some of the others in this room.
Dantrag - Me included.
Kellindil - But she at least brought you back to your family.
Dantrag - (snorts) And a whole lot of comfort that was and I suffered the whole trip back to the compound. (glares at Berg'inyon)
Berg'inyon - What?
Dantrag - You and your lizard mount that likes to bump all the time.
Berg'inyon - (waves his hand) Lizard's fault.
Kellindil - Wait a second! Why do you all seem younger to me?
Semdai - (beams proudly) Because my wand turned them into teenagers.
Kellindil - Wulfgar, Ivan, and Pikel don't look like teens.
Semdai - Must have missed them. (shoots three light balls... blah blah blah. you know the rest.)
Wulfgar - (now a scrawny little barbarian) No! I'm scrawny!
Drizzt - Hi Scrawny, I'm Drizzt.
Wulfgar - (glares at Drizzt) Wise ass...
Pikel - Oo oi!
Jarlaxle - Pikel doesn't seem any different to me.
Ivan - He does, after all, already have the mental capacity of a three year old.
Pikel - Doodad!
Kellindil - Why is Semdai wearing Jarlaxle's shirt?
Jarlaxle - Now how did that happen?
Semdai - Oh here Jar, you can have your shirt back now. (moves to take off her shirt but is tackled by Kellindil, Wulfgar, Ivan, and Bruenor)
Kellindil - Don't you dare!
Bruenor - That is not something we need to see!
Semdai - What!?
Wulfgar - We don't wanna see you with your shirt off!
Semdai - It's Jarlaxle's shirt.
Ivan - Still!
Dantrag - Aw let her take it off.
Berg'inyon - It's nothing most of us haven't seen anyway.
Wulfgar - Some of us DON'T want to see Semdai topless if you don't mind.
Drizzt - Just turn your head.
Wulfgar - Are you saying that you WANT Semdai to take her shirt off?
Semdai - Jarlaxle's shirt!
Wulfgar - Whatever!
Drizzt - I wouldn't mind.
Wulfgar - Honorable ranger my ass.
Semdai - (uses her wand to launch her captors off of her)
Dantrag/Berg'inyon/Jarlaxle/Zaknafein - (chanting) Take it off. Take it off. Take it off.
Drizzt/Entreri - (observe quietly)
Catti-brie - (comes flying out of nowhere and tackles Semdai keeping her from taking the shirt off) Oh no you don't, you five-cent whore!
Semdai - (rolls over and tries to punch Catti-brie) I'll teach you, Jealous Wannabe!
All the boys(minus Kellindil) - Bitch fight! Bitch fight!
Wulfgar/Bruenor - Go Catti-brie!
Jarlaxle - Left side, Semdai, left side!
Dantrag - Semdai, go for the eyes!
Berg'inyon - Go for the chest Semdai, the chest!
The other males - (stare questioningly at Berg'inyon)
Berg'inyon - What?
Jarlaxle - Good idea. Semdai! Poke her in the chest!
Semdai - (uses her secret poking technique and jabs Catti-brie in the boob) Take that!
Catti-brie - (grabs her breast) Ah! Not the boob!
Semdai - Dude your boobs are like small.
Jarlaxle - (grins from ear to ear)
Wulfgar - What are you grinning at?
Jarlaxle - The most intense bitch fight I've ever seen.
Bruenor - (whispers to Wulfgar) And beating off to it no doubt.
Jarlaxle - I heard that. (not taking his eyes off the fight)
Semdai - (launches Catti-brie across the room with a double kick)
Catti-brie - (sails across the room) AHHH!
Wulfgar - (runs to catch her) I got her!
Jarlaxle - It's going...
Dantrag - Going...
(Wulfgar dives and catches Catti-brie)
Berg'inyon - And Wulfgar saves the game! The Wussies win the superbowl!
Wulfgar - (glares at Berg'inyon)
Catti-brie - (pulls Taulmaril out of nowhere and shoots an arrow at Berg'inyon)
Berg'inyon - Iblith! (tries to dive out of the way but the arrow hits him in the belly and launches him backwards, pinning him to the wall)
Semdai - NO! (tackles Catti-brie and after a few seconds throws the smaller woman out the window)
Catti-brie - AAAHHHhhh... (poof)
Semdai - (runs to Berg'inyon's side) Are you hurt, Banana?
Berg'inyon - (tries to pull the arrow out of his stomach to no avail) I think so.
Semdai - Kellindil, Zak, you two hold him. (they do so) Jarlaxle, Dantrag, you line up behind me and get ready to pull. (they do so) Entreri, Drizzt, you guys get a towel and get ready to stem the blood. (they do so) Ready?
Wulfgar - What are the rest of us supposed to do?
Jarlaxle - Stay out of the way.
Semdai - Ready and pull!
(They pull. The arrow tears free after several seconds of strained groans, to the great pain of Berg'inyon. Zak and Kellindil slowly ease Berg'inyon down while Entreri and Drizzt hold a towel over the wound.)
Dantrag - Why didn't I get this much attention when I got hurt?
Semdai - You just got pricked in the belly, Banana got impaled.
Drizzt - He got pricked by the prick.
Entreri - (fumes) I'll get you for that, you drow bastard! (attempts to strangle Drizzt with the bloody towel)
Semdai - (taking no note of how Drizzt and Entreri are rolling around the room) How many times in this ramble is Drizzt gonna get called a 'drow bastard?'
Jarlaxle - Would you rather they called him 'drow bitch?'
Semdai - No! Only I can call him bitch! He is MY bitch.
Jarlaxle - Am I your bitch too?
Semdai - Of course! (hugs Jarlaxle around the waist)
Jarlaxle - (eyes bulging) Organs- Exploding-
Semdai - Oops! (lets go) sorry.
Jarlaxle - (catching his breath) Only a little harm done.
Semdai - (shoots two more light balls) I missed Zak and Kellindil.
Kellindil - (spins around squealing with glee) Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Zaknafein - Well he seems happy.
Semdai - (teeny bopper squeal) Zaky is so cute as a teen! (tackles/hugs Zaknafein)
Zaknafein - (hugs back) Hug war! (attempts to squish Semdai with his hug)
Semdai - (squishes back) You're on!
Jarlaxle - (watches) This is interesting. (Zak and Semdai stagger around the room knocking into things)
Berg'inyon - (holding his stomach) It's amazing how quickly Semdai's attention can change.
Entreri - (recovering from his fight with Drizzt) S-T-M-O-L-S
Dantrag - (confused) Stmols?
Drizzt - (trying to disengage himself from the bloody towel) Naw, I think it stands for something.
Entreri - Short Term Memory Loss Syndrome.
Dantrag - (no longer confused) Ahhhhhh.
Entreri - Stupid drow.
Semdai - (slowly winning her hug war with Zaknafein) I'm winning! I'm winning!
Zaknafein - (strained) NO... cannot... lose... to... Semdai... (falls limp in Semdai's grasp)
Semdai - (drops Zaknafein) Haha! I win! I win! (pauses) Zak?
Zaknafein - ...
Semdai - (kicks him lightly) Zak, this isn't funny.
Zaknafein - ...
Semdai - (calmly shocked) Oh my gods I think I killed him.
Drizzt - Semdai! How could you!
Semdai - Wait! I know how to save him! (pulls two balloons out of the couch)
Drizzt - (frantic) How will you save Zak with two balloons?
Semdai - Observe. (rubs the balloons in her hair and holds them next to Zaknafein's ears, calmly says) Clear. (shocks Zaknafein with the staticky balloons)
Zaknafein - Ahh! (jumps up rubbing his ears) My ears!
Semdai - See, he's fine. (pause) I win.
Zaknafein - (still rubbing his ears) Fine you win.
Semdai - Yay! (rubs hands together) So when are we gonna go trick-or- treating?
Jarlaxle - Trick-or-treating?
Semdai - Yeah, you know, dress up in scary costumes, go door to door, get candy.
Jarlaxle - Candy! Let's go! (runs for the door)
Semdai - Jarlaxle Wait!
Jarlaxle - (screeches to a halt) What?
Semdai - We need costumes.
Jarlaxle - Costumes?
Semdai - And it's time to end this chapter.
Dantrag - (disappointed) Ah, how come we hafta end now?
Semdai - Because this chapter is too darn long already. Not to mention I gotta save some stuff for the next chapter.
Berg'inyon - What are we doing in the next chapter?
Semdai - The same thing Jarlaxle and I have had been planning on doing every night.
Jarlaxle - (eagerly) Have some fun?
Semdai - No, after we do that.
Jarlaxle - Oh yeah, plan on going to Venice.
Semdai - No, after that too.
Jarlaxle - Put clothes on?
Semdai - After that.
Jarlaxle - Try to take over the world?
Semdai - (evilly) Yes, we will plan to take over the world. (Turns to Kellindil) And see if we can't get Kelly to come trick-or-treating.
Kellindil - (grumbles) My name is not Kelly.
Berg'inyon - You get used to her nicknames after a while.
Semdai - (dramatically) Come boys! (sweeping shot) Let us go to Taco Bell!
Kellindil - Why Taco Bell?
Zaknafein - Because Semdai is probably hungry, and I am too so let's go!
Semdai - Onward! (starts down the stairs)
All - (singing) We're following the leader, the leader, the leader, we're following the leader wherever she will go...
AN : Oh that was so much fun. Hope you have enjoyed it. Please review and feel free to flame.
The Halloweenies
By Semdai Bloodquill
(Semdai paces absently in the living room. Jarlaxle, Dantrag and Berg'inyon Baenre, along with Artemis Entreri and Ivan and Pikel Bouldershoulder, all sit in comfortable chairs watching her. A coffe table in front of them is adorned by various cans of highly sugared soda.)
Semdai - (pacing) Where are they?
Entreri - Who?
Semdai - The others.
Entreri - What others?
Semdai - The other people I invited to this pathetic excuse for comedy.
Entreri - (slaps his forehead) You're hopeless.
Jarlaxle - (laughs heartily) Semdai you need to relax.
Semdai - (stops pacing in front of Jarlaxle) We can't start the story without the others.
Dantrag - Technically we've already started.
Semdai - (glares at Dantrag) Interrupt me with another of those smart-ass remarks again and I'll
make you wish that I didn't resurrect you in such fine condition.
Dantrag - (remembers a mob of squealing preppy fans) No! Not the Dreaded Mob of Various Character Fans!
Semdai - Yes, the Dreaded Mob of Various Character Fans.
Pikel - Ooo...
Jarlaxle - (takes Semdai's hand) Now, now, Semdai, you need to relax. Sit down with me.
(Semdai obediently sits in Jarlaxle's lap and curls herself up in his arms. He puts his feet up on the coffee table before them.)
Jarlaxle - Now isn't this nice?
Semdai - (calmly) Get your feet off my coffee table.
Jarlaxle - Yes Ma'am. (gets his feet off the coffee table and prepares to dump Semdai on the floor)
Semdai - Hey! I just remembered something!
Dantrag - (picks up a Orange Soda from the coffee table and opens it) What's that?
Berg'inyon - That's Orange Soda.
Dantrag - I know that's Orange Soda! I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the great and mighty Semdai. (attempts to bow while sitting but ends up falling forward into the coffee table) Semdai - If you spill soda on my coffee table I'll give you to the mob. And by the way flattery gets you nowhere with me.
Dantrag - (fumbles desperately to keep from dropping his soda) Yes Mistress!
Jarlaxle - (amused by all this) So what did you remember?
Entreri - That Semdai has short term memory loss?
Semdai - (grabs a Mountain Dew from the table and chucks it at Entreri) Take that Asshole!
Entreri - What! (turns to face Semdai and gets hit in the nose by the can of Mountain Dew, which bounces off his face and flies toward Pikel)
Pikel - (catches the soda) Ooo! (prepares to open the soda)
Ivan - Doodad, wait!
Pikel - (opens the soda, which goes flying drenching everyone with Mountain Dew) Ooo!
Berg'inyon - (dives under the couch) Soda pop! Take cover!
(The now empty can falls and hits Dantrag on the head)
Dantrag - (rubs his head) Damn can.
Berg'inyon - (peeks out from under the couch) Is it safe?
Semdai - Relatively so.
Berg'inyon - (crawls out from under the couch)
Ivan - Durn Doodad.
Semdai - What were we talking about?
Dantrag - What Semdai remembered that was important.
Semdai - Oh yeah!
Jarlaxle - What was that?
Semdai - What?
Jarlaxle - What was that.
Semdai - No, what was that?
Jarlaxle - (very confused) What was what?
Semdai - What was it you said what for?
Entreri - Am I the only one who's confused?
Ivan - No, I am too.
Entreri - Good, then it's not just me.
Jarlaxle - I meant what did you remember.
Semdai - (simply) I never said the disclaimer for this story.
Jarlaxle - Really... (once again prepares to dump Semdai)
Semdai - (realizes Jarlaxle's plan and, using his lower abdomen as a launch- pad, jumps off his lap, grabbing his hat as she goes) HA HA!
Jarlaxle - (groans and scrunches up as Semdai's escape compresses his male tender spot)
Semdai - (now wearing Jarlaxle's hat) That'll teach you. Hey Artemis, will you do the disclaimer?
Entreri - (attempting to realign his nose after being hit with the soda can) Don't call me Artemis!
Semdai - (turns to Dantrag and calls sweetly) Oh Dantrag!
Dantrag - Do I have to?
Semdai - (Imitates a member of the Dreaded Mob of Various Character Fans with a sweet, preppy voice) Oh Dantrag, you're so sexy! Give us a snog you sexy thing! Will you let us rub lotion on you! (notices that Dantrag is having too much fun and adds in her normal voice) Dantrag, let us strip you stark naked, dangle you on a hook, and play with you until you cry for death!
Dantrag - (horrified) I'll do it! Semdai does not own me, Jarlaxle, Artemis-
Entreri -DON'T CALL ME ARTEMIS!!!
Dantrag - Or anybody else from Forgotten Realms.
Jarlaxle - (slowly recovering from having his genitals used as a launch- pad) Can I have my outrageously plumed hat back?
Semdai - No, you tried to drop me.
Jarlaxle - Did not!
Dantrag - Well actually Jarlaxle, according to the script- (pulls the scrip out from under the cushion of his chair)
Semdai - (slaps her forehead) So that's where I put it!
Entreri - (shakes his head slowly)
Dantrag - (reading the script) It says here, 'Jarlaxle - Really... Once again prepares to dump Semdai.'
Jarlaxle - (rubs his head and chuckles despite the pain in his lower body) I guess that makes me guilty.
Entreri - (imitates Nelson from 'The Simpsons') Ha ha!
Jarlaxle - So can I have my outrageously plumed hat back?
Semdai - (thinks) Nope. (suddenly dashes forward and snatches a helpless Jarlaxle's eye patch)
Jarlaxle - (leaps after Semdai) No! Not my customary eye patch! (chases Semdai in circles)
Berg'inyon - (shakes his head) Shame on you, Jarlaxle.
Jarlaxle - (eventually backs Semdai into a corner) Now give my stuff back.
Semdai - (whips out a "wand" and points it at Jarlaxle) Get back! I've got a wand and I know how to use it!
Jarlaxle - (calmly) Semdai, that's a stick covered in duct tape.
Semdai - (shrugs) So I sat on it a few times, it still works. Observe. (flicks the wand and a ball of light shoot out of its tip and ricochets around the room)
Berg'inyon - Flying ball of light! (dives back under the couch) Take cover!
(The door opens and Drizzt arrives Catti-brie, Wulfgar, Regis, and Bruenor behind him. The light ball collides with Drizzt's head sending him crashing backwards down a flight of stairs into utter blackness.)
Semdai - Oops. (runs to the rail) Drizzt! Can you hear me!
Echo - Can you hear me... hear me... me...
Semdai - I asked you first!
Echo - I asked you first... first...
Semdai - No sir!
Echo - No sir... No sir.. sir...
Semdai - Shut up!
Echo - Shut up... up...
Semdai - No you shut up!
Echo - No you shut up... shut up...
Semdai - No you first!
Entreri - (smacks Semdai up the back side of her head) Quit yelling at your echo!
Semdai - (crosses her arms over her chest) Well HE started it.
Catti-brie - What about Drizzt?
Semdai - Oh yeah! (leans over the banister) Drizzt!
(No answer comes. Dantrag joins them at the rail.)
Entreri - (shocked) You killed him, Semdai.
Drizzt - (from below the dark clouds hovering around the bottom of the stairs) Stop telling people I'm dead!
Entreri - (tearfully) How could you, Semdai, Drizzt was supposed to die in a final conclusive battle against me, not get hit with a shiny ball and fall down a staircase! (turns and cries on Dantrag's shoulder.) Why!
Drizzt - (still below the clouds) I said stop telling people I'm dead!
Entreri - (sadly) I can still hear his voice. (sniffles)
Semdai - Just how hard did that can hit you?
Dantrag - (nervously pats the sobbing Entreri on the back) There, there, Artemis.
Entreri - (pulls out his jeweled dagger and stabs it into Dantrag's belly) I said don't call me Artemis!
Dantrag - (falls to the ground holding his belly) Ok, Ok! (groans) Don't have a cow.
Semdai - (kicks Entreri in the rear) What do you think you're doing!?
Entreri - (rubs his rump) Stabbing Dantrag. (wipes the blood off his dagger)
Semdai - (fuming) That is completely unexceptable! There will be no more stabbing in this ramble unless it is done by me or Jarlaxle!
Entreri - Hey that's not fair! How come Jarlaxle gets to stab people?!
Semdai - Because I think Jarlaxle is very sexy. (Pikel comes running over with the script) What? (Pikel shows it to Semdai. She reads it) Oh! Thank you Pikel. (Pikel runs off) Excuse me, Jarlaxle gets to stab people because he's older than me.
Entreri - (gets in Semdai's face) I'm older than you too!
Semdai - (matches Entreri's moves) Well I'm the author (points a finger at herself) and this is my ramble and if you don't stop arguing with me then I'll give you to The Mob! (pokes Entreri in the chest) Ooo! You're muscular. (pokes him again)
Entreri - (runs away and hides in the bathroom) Rape! Rape!
Semdai - (shrugs) Oh well, you win a few you lose a few.
Dantrag - Hello? I'm like bleeding from a mortal wound here!
Semdai - Oh yeah. (bends over and stares at Dantrag's wound) You'll live. Just suck the blood.
Dantrag - (confused) From my stomach?
Semdai - Want me to do it for you?
Dantrag - (quickly) No! No, that's Ok! I'll manage.
Semdai - (leans over the railing) Drizzt, are you all right down there?
Drizzt - I can't feel my toes!
Semdai - That's great, Drizzt!
Catti-brie - (charges down the stairs with Wulfgar, Bruenor, and Regis tailing behind) I'm coming, Drizzt!
Semdai - See ya when you get back! Bring Kellindil up if you find him!
(Jarlaxle tries to creep up on Semdai but she notices and sends a light ball in his direction. The ball hits him in the chest and launches him backward into his chair, which promptly topples over backward.)
Semdai - (blows on her wand as if it were a gun) That'll teach you to sneak up on me.
Berg'inyon - (still hiding under the couch, but with his rump protruding) Is it safe?
Semdai - (smiles evilly) No. (shoots Berg'inyon in the rump with another light ball)
Berg'inyon - (yelps as he is shoved far enough under the couch to get stuck)
Dantrag - (still holding his belly) Ha !
Jarlaxle - (pulls himself up, rubbing his chest) That hurt.
Ivan - Sweet Mother of Pearl!
All - What?
Ivan - (points at Jarlaxle) He's become-
Pikel - (interrupts) DUN DUN DUN!
Ivan - (continues) -a teenage drow!
Jarlaxle - What? (looks himself over)
Semdai - Ivan's right. Hey, Jarlaxle's got hair!
Jarlaxle - (reaches up fearfully and feels silky, white hair on his once bald head. A horrified look crosses his face.) NOOO! (gets up and runs for the bathroom) I hate hair!
Entreri - (walks out of the bathroom, the swinging door smacks into Jarlaxle's face, knocking him backwards) Is it safe out yet?
Berg'inyon - (trying to get un-stuck from the couch) No! It's not safe! Flee while you still can!
Semdai - Berg'inyon sounds different.
Dantrag - Really?
Jarlaxle - (obliviously rolls on the ground holding his nose) Oh God that hurts!
Semdai - (approaches Berg'inyon's rump) Give me a hand here you guys! (grabs hold of Berg'inyon's rear)
Berg'inyon - Hey! Who's grabbing my ass!
Dantrag - (grabs Semdai's waist) Ready!
Ivan - (grabs Dantrag's waist) Ready!
Pikel - (grabs Ivan's waist) Doodad!
Semdai - You too, Entreri!
Entreri - No! This time I'm putting my foot down, Semdai, I will not do what you say!
Semdai - (lets go of Berg'inyon, pulls out her wand, and waves it menacingly at Entreri's groin) Do it or else.
Entreri - (Grabs Pikel's shoulders) Yes Ma'am!
Semdai - Now let's try this again. (grabs Berg'inyon's rump again)
Berg'inyon - Stop grabbing my ass!
Semdai - On three!
Berg'inyon - What happens on three?
Semdai - One... Two.. THREE!
(Everyone, except Jarlaxle who is still rolling on the floor holding his nose, pulls very hard. After a few seconds, Berg'inyon comes free of the couch, sending everyone tumbling backwards eventually landing in a huge heap. Berg'inyon ends up in Semdai's lap.)
Semdai - (immediately squeezes Berg'inyon like a stuffed animal) Oh he's so cute as a teenage drow!
Berg'inyon - (eyes bulging) Help! Wait a minute! Teenage drow?!
Semdai - Yes. It would appear that my magic light balls have magical properties that magically make people turn back into teenagers.
Ivan - She likes magic.
Entreri - Tell us about it.
(A scream from Catti-brie erupts)
All - Huh?
Catti-brie - Semdai! What have you done to Drizzy!?
Entreri - Drizzy?
Catti-brie - (comes charging up the stairs, dragging a teenage Drizzt behind her) Look what yer stupid light ball did to him!
Semdai - (shrugs) It happened to Jar and Bergy too.
Entreri - Jar and Bergy?
Ivan - Did she get hit with a soda can too?
Drizzt - (looks himself over) I'm young again.
Dantrag - (crawls out from under Semdai) You were always young by drow standards. And by the way, Semdai, might I add a comment?
Semdai - (sitting on Dantrag) If you must.
Dantrag - Your butt is very soft.
Semdai - Thank you, Dandy.
Entreri - Dandy?
Semdai - That's right, Arty.
Entreri - Arty!? Arty!? That's it! The nicknaming has to stop! Where do you come up with these things?!
Semdai - I don't know.
Dantrag - (drumming his fingers on the floor while Semdai is still sitting on him) Same place she gets her crazy story ideas I suppose.
Semdai - Hey boys, I got an idea.
Berg'inyon - (leaps out of Semdai's arms) Take Cover! Semdai's got an idea! (dives under the couch)
Semdai - (gets off Dantrag and kicks Berg'inyon's exposed rump for good measure) Take that!
Berg'inyon - Ouchie!
Semdai - (clears throat) Anyway... Who wants to see what Artemis was like as a teenager?
Entreri - (backs up slowly with his hands up) You wouldn't!
Semdai - Yes I would! (shoots a light ball at Entreri)
Entreri - NO! (turns to run but gets hit in the back by the light ball and falls)
Semdai - (blows on her wand again)
Dantrag - (gets up and brushes himself off) Nice shot.
Jarlaxle - (still holding his nose) I'll say.
Semdai - How's your nose?
Jarlaxle - I think it's broken.
Semdai - Is that all? (snaps her fingers and Jarlaxle's nose resets itself)
Jarlaxle - Wow! Thanks.
Catti-brie - SEMDAI!!!
Semdai - That's my name and don't wear it out.
Catti-brie - Look what you've done to Drizzt!
Dantrag - Didn't we just say she made him young again?
Catti-brie - Change him back!
Semdai - Can't.
Catti-brie - WHY?!
Semdai - (shrugs) Don't know how.
Catti-brie - That's it! (tries to tackle Semdai)
Jarlaxle - (waves his hand and makes Catti-brie levitate away from Semdai)
Semdai - (bows) My Thanks.
Jarlaxle - One favor deserves another.
Catti-brie - Put me down!
Jarlaxle - (drops her on her rear) Better?
Catti-brie - Asshole.
Jarlaxle - Suit yourself.
Semdai - Hey, do you guys know what today is?
Entreri - (getting up) Saturday, stupid.
Semdai - No! Well that too, but it's Halloween!
Jarlaxle - What in Menzoberranzan is Halloween?
Semdai - Only one of the best holidays of the year!
Entreri - I wanna be demon this year. (rubs his hands together and smiles evilly)
Semdai - Teenage Artemis reminds me of a Neo-Sephiroth.
Entreri - (glares at Semdai) Don't call me Artemis.
Semdai - Who wants to go trick-or-treating with me tonight?
Berg'inyon - (crawls out from under the couch) Me!
Dantrag - Me!
Jarlaxle - Me!
Pikel - Doodad!
Ivan - Me!
Drizzt - Me!
Catti-brie - Oh no you're not.
Drizzt - Party-pooper.
Semdai - Since when are you his mother?
Catti-brie - Who knows what you'll put him through!
Semdai - Nothing worse than when you tried to rape him in Siege of Darkness.
Catti-brie - Hey! That wasn't my fault! Khazad'Hea made me do it!
Semdai - Oh give it up, we all know you wanted it.
Catti-brie - No!
Semdai - Anybody who's read a RAS book with you and Drizzt in it knows you've got the major hots for him.
Catti-brie - (blushes) Shut up!
Wulfgar - If I could get a word in-
Catti-brie - Stay out of this!
Semdai - (taunting voice) Oh come on, Catti-brie, you can't deny that Drizzt is one of the sexiest males alive.
Jarlaxle - What about us?
Semdai - (turns and gives Jarlaxle a sexy grin) I said 'ONE OF the sexiest males alive' for at least four good reasons.
Jarlaxle - (spins a pirouette) You are too kind, mademoiselle.
Dantrag - (slaps his forehead) Even as a teenager he was a lady's man.
Jarlaxle - You better believe it.
Dantrag - Your mother did a terrible job breaking you.
Jarlaxle - My mother was your mother too.
Dantrag - Oh yeah. My bad.
Semdai - You become a teenager! (shoots Dantrag with a light ball)
Dantrag - (spins several times from the impact) Yeah! I'm young again!
Catti-brie - See what you've done to them!
Semdai - Nothing bad.
Catti-brie - You've turned them into crazed, testosterone driven teenage boys!
Semdai - (slowly) And that's...bad?
Catti-brie - Yes!
Semdai - Why? They're more willing to have sex with me now.
Pikel - Ooo!
Catti-brie - That was completely inappropriate!
Jarlaxle - But true! (slaps Semdai's rump)
Semdai - (sexy-like) Ooo Jarlaxle!
Catti-brie - And this is supposed to be rated PG!
Dantrag - (pulls out the script again) Actually, PG-13.
Catti-brie - Still!
Semdai/Jarlaxle - What?
Catti-brie - You're acting like... like...
Semdai/Jarlaxle - Sex craving teenagers?
Catti-brie - Yes!
Semdai/Jarlaxle - (look at each other) But we ARE sex craving teenagers. (run off together laughing maniacally)
Ivan - O. K. That was the freakiest thing I've ever seen.
Dantrag - Hey. Now that Semdai's gone, who's gonna continue this ramble.
Ivan - It's continuing now isn't it?
Dantrag - According to my theory, (voice slowly becomes frantic as he speaks) the only reason we haven't disappeared yet is because we're making the story continue with our dialogue. In order to fully continue the piece we need an author or we will all descend into blackness and be forced to cut off the readers! (calmly) Granted that's the worse case scenario.
Catti-brie - So have one of us continue.
Dantrag - We can't!
Catti-brie - Why not?
Dantrag - We are the characters, we can't write the story or we won't be characters anymore.
Catti-brie - Isn't Semdai a character?
Dantrag - Technically no because she is the author and her presence in the actual story is merely an authorical presence.
Catti-brie - (frustrated) In Common Tongue please.
Berg'inyon - She put herself in her own story.
Catti-brie - Doesn't that seem pathetic to you?
(Catti-brie suddenly flies backward and crashes into the wall)
Catti-brie - What the Hell!
Dantrag - It would appear that even though Semdai is off fooling around with Jarlaxle she still exhibits a measure of control over the events here.
Berg'inyon - Dictionary reader.
Dantrag - (locks his fingers behind his head) I can't it help if Semdai made me smarter when she resurrected me.
Berg'inyon - Hey where's Artemis?
Entreri - (from the bathroom) Don't call me Artemis!
Dantrag - What's he doing in the bathroom?
Catti-brie - I'll check. (opens the door to see Entreri taking a leak. Her eyes get really big.)
Entreri - Hey! Can't a guy take a piss by himself!
Catti-brie - (her eyes get even bigger as she sees something she would rather not have seen)
Entreri - What are you staring at!?
Catti-brie - (runs from the room screaming in fear)
Entreri - (shrugs) What got into her?
Catti-brie - (runs into Dantrag) People are not meant to be that big!
Dantrag - (grossed out) I didn't need to know that.
Entreri - (from the bathroom) Why were you looking!
Catti-brie - I'm traumatized for life now!
Drizzt - (leans over to Wulfgar) I hope you don't wear an extra-large jock strap, Wulfgar.
Wulfgar - (glares at Drizzt) You sick, drow bastard.
Drizzt - That's actually true. I've had a cold lately and my dad wasn't married to my mother, at least not when I was born.
Wulfgar - (slaps his forehead) Not what I meant.
Pikel - Ooo...
Drizzt - (shrugs)
Bruenor - (leans over and whispers to Drizzt) A skinny wuss like that prob'ly can't even lift it if it's as big as me girl says.
Drizzt - (suppresses a laugh, which comes out as a snort, with a shit- eaten' grin on his face)
Entreri - (from the bathroom) I heard that, you stupid dwarf!
Bruenor - (sarcastically) I'm quaking' in my leather boots, Wussy Assassin!
Entreri - (emerges from the bathroom naked from head to waist) I am not a wussy assassin!
Bruenor - (pretends to be blinded) Ah! The whiteness of Entreri's chest! It burns!
Drizzt - (joins in) Too bright for my drow eyes! (turns away) Blinding white!
Entreri - (crosses his arms over his chest) You're just jealous that I'm better looking than you.
Wulfgar - Don't you ever go outside?
Entreri - (makes a cross with his fingers and hisses) Sunlight... (shivers) ...evil.
Wulfgar - Can we say "nutcase?"
Entreri - I DO go outside!
Drizzt - Yeah, at night.
Entreri - That counts.
Dantrag - I think our author problem has been solved.
Berg'inyon - How do ya figure?
Dantrag - (points to the wall as it opens into a doorway and Semdai steps out) See?
Semdai - (her hair is very messy and her clothes, which are actually Jarlaxle's, are on backwards) What'd we miss?
Jarlaxle - (steps out of the doorway next to Semdai. Oddly enough, he is wearing only [Semdai's] pants) Any thing juicy?
Entreri - (snobbishly) Well would ya look at what the astral shifting panther dragged in.
Wulfgar - Why is Jarlaxle wearing Semdai's pants?
Jarlaxle - (looks down and a confused look crosses his face) Now how did this happen?
Catti-brie - And how did Semdai get in Jarlaxle's pants?
Dantrag - I imagine it was quite simple for her to charm him into taking them off for her and-
Catti-brie - (tackles Dantrag and holds him down with a knife against his throat) It is vitally important to your life that you not finish that sentence.
Dantrag - (taking note that in order for Catti-brie to hold the knife on him she has to sit on his chest) Well you did ask. And might I add that this lap dance would be better if you scoot down a bit.
Catti-brie - (tries to cut Dantrag's throat savagely) YOU SICK, PERVERTED, EVIL, CONIVING, DROW BASTARD!!! (finds that her dagger can't penetrate his skin) What the Hell? Why won't you die?!
Semdai - Because he's my bitch and you can't kill him.
Catti-brie - (growls angrily) Bitch.
Semdai - Now get off Bitch #3's chest!
Catti-brie - Bitch #3?
Semdai - Yeah. Jarlaxle's #1, #2 isn't here yet, Dantrag's #3, Banana makes 4, and Entreri and Drizzy tie for 5.
Catti-brie - Who's Banana?
Semdai - Why Berg'inyon of course.
Catti-brie - (confused) Why is he called... (her voice trails off as she realizes what she is saying) Oh Gods! (runs screaming from the room) Mental image!
Semdai - Finally. I thought she'd never leave.
Wulfgar - (looks questioningly at Berg'inyon) Banana?
Berg'inyon - (grins wickedly) Oh yeah.
Semdai - Plus 'Banana' and 'Berg'inyon' both start with B.
Drizzt - Who's #2?
Semdai - I'm sure he'll show up soon. I'm expecting him right about... (checks her watch)
(The door bursts open and Zaknafein enters dragging Kellindil behind him by the seat of the gold elf's pants)
Kellindil - (clawing at the floor) No! I don't wanna go! I'm too young to die now!
Zaknafein - Oh quite your whining.
Semdai - ...now.
Zaknafein - Sorry we're late, Kellindil tried to cut and run when I told him where we were going.
Semdai - (seeming hurt) Kellindil, don't you like me?
Kellindil - (sarcastically) After you wrote this terribly descriptive death scene for me in your other Forgotten Realms fic in which I died a horrible and painful death, how could I possibly not like you?
Zaknafein - (kicks Kellindil in the rear) Hey lighten up, she wrote me a worse death scene than you and I'm not complaining.
Kellindil - Mine was more painful.
Zaknafein - Well in yours all that killed you was suffocation in one form or another.
Kellindil - So?
Zaknafein - In mine I was choked, punched, burned, gutted, stabbed, and had my heart torn out.
Jarlaxle - Now that's an impressive death.
Zaknafein - Damn right. So quite your complaining, you got it easy compared to some of the others in this room.
Dantrag - Me included.
Kellindil - But she at least brought you back to your family.
Dantrag - (snorts) And a whole lot of comfort that was and I suffered the whole trip back to the compound. (glares at Berg'inyon)
Berg'inyon - What?
Dantrag - You and your lizard mount that likes to bump all the time.
Berg'inyon - (waves his hand) Lizard's fault.
Kellindil - Wait a second! Why do you all seem younger to me?
Semdai - (beams proudly) Because my wand turned them into teenagers.
Kellindil - Wulfgar, Ivan, and Pikel don't look like teens.
Semdai - Must have missed them. (shoots three light balls... blah blah blah. you know the rest.)
Wulfgar - (now a scrawny little barbarian) No! I'm scrawny!
Drizzt - Hi Scrawny, I'm Drizzt.
Wulfgar - (glares at Drizzt) Wise ass...
Pikel - Oo oi!
Jarlaxle - Pikel doesn't seem any different to me.
Ivan - He does, after all, already have the mental capacity of a three year old.
Pikel - Doodad!
Kellindil - Why is Semdai wearing Jarlaxle's shirt?
Jarlaxle - Now how did that happen?
Semdai - Oh here Jar, you can have your shirt back now. (moves to take off her shirt but is tackled by Kellindil, Wulfgar, Ivan, and Bruenor)
Kellindil - Don't you dare!
Bruenor - That is not something we need to see!
Semdai - What!?
Wulfgar - We don't wanna see you with your shirt off!
Semdai - It's Jarlaxle's shirt.
Ivan - Still!
Dantrag - Aw let her take it off.
Berg'inyon - It's nothing most of us haven't seen anyway.
Wulfgar - Some of us DON'T want to see Semdai topless if you don't mind.
Drizzt - Just turn your head.
Wulfgar - Are you saying that you WANT Semdai to take her shirt off?
Semdai - Jarlaxle's shirt!
Wulfgar - Whatever!
Drizzt - I wouldn't mind.
Wulfgar - Honorable ranger my ass.
Semdai - (uses her wand to launch her captors off of her)
Dantrag/Berg'inyon/Jarlaxle/Zaknafein - (chanting) Take it off. Take it off. Take it off.
Drizzt/Entreri - (observe quietly)
Catti-brie - (comes flying out of nowhere and tackles Semdai keeping her from taking the shirt off) Oh no you don't, you five-cent whore!
Semdai - (rolls over and tries to punch Catti-brie) I'll teach you, Jealous Wannabe!
All the boys(minus Kellindil) - Bitch fight! Bitch fight!
Wulfgar/Bruenor - Go Catti-brie!
Jarlaxle - Left side, Semdai, left side!
Dantrag - Semdai, go for the eyes!
Berg'inyon - Go for the chest Semdai, the chest!
The other males - (stare questioningly at Berg'inyon)
Berg'inyon - What?
Jarlaxle - Good idea. Semdai! Poke her in the chest!
Semdai - (uses her secret poking technique and jabs Catti-brie in the boob) Take that!
Catti-brie - (grabs her breast) Ah! Not the boob!
Semdai - Dude your boobs are like small.
Jarlaxle - (grins from ear to ear)
Wulfgar - What are you grinning at?
Jarlaxle - The most intense bitch fight I've ever seen.
Bruenor - (whispers to Wulfgar) And beating off to it no doubt.
Jarlaxle - I heard that. (not taking his eyes off the fight)
Semdai - (launches Catti-brie across the room with a double kick)
Catti-brie - (sails across the room) AHHH!
Wulfgar - (runs to catch her) I got her!
Jarlaxle - It's going...
Dantrag - Going...
(Wulfgar dives and catches Catti-brie)
Berg'inyon - And Wulfgar saves the game! The Wussies win the superbowl!
Wulfgar - (glares at Berg'inyon)
Catti-brie - (pulls Taulmaril out of nowhere and shoots an arrow at Berg'inyon)
Berg'inyon - Iblith! (tries to dive out of the way but the arrow hits him in the belly and launches him backwards, pinning him to the wall)
Semdai - NO! (tackles Catti-brie and after a few seconds throws the smaller woman out the window)
Catti-brie - AAAHHHhhh... (poof)
Semdai - (runs to Berg'inyon's side) Are you hurt, Banana?
Berg'inyon - (tries to pull the arrow out of his stomach to no avail) I think so.
Semdai - Kellindil, Zak, you two hold him. (they do so) Jarlaxle, Dantrag, you line up behind me and get ready to pull. (they do so) Entreri, Drizzt, you guys get a towel and get ready to stem the blood. (they do so) Ready?
Wulfgar - What are the rest of us supposed to do?
Jarlaxle - Stay out of the way.
Semdai - Ready and pull!
(They pull. The arrow tears free after several seconds of strained groans, to the great pain of Berg'inyon. Zak and Kellindil slowly ease Berg'inyon down while Entreri and Drizzt hold a towel over the wound.)
Dantrag - Why didn't I get this much attention when I got hurt?
Semdai - You just got pricked in the belly, Banana got impaled.
Drizzt - He got pricked by the prick.
Entreri - (fumes) I'll get you for that, you drow bastard! (attempts to strangle Drizzt with the bloody towel)
Semdai - (taking no note of how Drizzt and Entreri are rolling around the room) How many times in this ramble is Drizzt gonna get called a 'drow bastard?'
Jarlaxle - Would you rather they called him 'drow bitch?'
Semdai - No! Only I can call him bitch! He is MY bitch.
Jarlaxle - Am I your bitch too?
Semdai - Of course! (hugs Jarlaxle around the waist)
Jarlaxle - (eyes bulging) Organs- Exploding-
Semdai - Oops! (lets go) sorry.
Jarlaxle - (catching his breath) Only a little harm done.
Semdai - (shoots two more light balls) I missed Zak and Kellindil.
Kellindil - (spins around squealing with glee) Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Zaknafein - Well he seems happy.
Semdai - (teeny bopper squeal) Zaky is so cute as a teen! (tackles/hugs Zaknafein)
Zaknafein - (hugs back) Hug war! (attempts to squish Semdai with his hug)
Semdai - (squishes back) You're on!
Jarlaxle - (watches) This is interesting. (Zak and Semdai stagger around the room knocking into things)
Berg'inyon - (holding his stomach) It's amazing how quickly Semdai's attention can change.
Entreri - (recovering from his fight with Drizzt) S-T-M-O-L-S
Dantrag - (confused) Stmols?
Drizzt - (trying to disengage himself from the bloody towel) Naw, I think it stands for something.
Entreri - Short Term Memory Loss Syndrome.
Dantrag - (no longer confused) Ahhhhhh.
Entreri - Stupid drow.
Semdai - (slowly winning her hug war with Zaknafein) I'm winning! I'm winning!
Zaknafein - (strained) NO... cannot... lose... to... Semdai... (falls limp in Semdai's grasp)
Semdai - (drops Zaknafein) Haha! I win! I win! (pauses) Zak?
Zaknafein - ...
Semdai - (kicks him lightly) Zak, this isn't funny.
Zaknafein - ...
Semdai - (calmly shocked) Oh my gods I think I killed him.
Drizzt - Semdai! How could you!
Semdai - Wait! I know how to save him! (pulls two balloons out of the couch)
Drizzt - (frantic) How will you save Zak with two balloons?
Semdai - Observe. (rubs the balloons in her hair and holds them next to Zaknafein's ears, calmly says) Clear. (shocks Zaknafein with the staticky balloons)
Zaknafein - Ahh! (jumps up rubbing his ears) My ears!
Semdai - See, he's fine. (pause) I win.
Zaknafein - (still rubbing his ears) Fine you win.
Semdai - Yay! (rubs hands together) So when are we gonna go trick-or- treating?
Jarlaxle - Trick-or-treating?
Semdai - Yeah, you know, dress up in scary costumes, go door to door, get candy.
Jarlaxle - Candy! Let's go! (runs for the door)
Semdai - Jarlaxle Wait!
Jarlaxle - (screeches to a halt) What?
Semdai - We need costumes.
Jarlaxle - Costumes?
Semdai - And it's time to end this chapter.
Dantrag - (disappointed) Ah, how come we hafta end now?
Semdai - Because this chapter is too darn long already. Not to mention I gotta save some stuff for the next chapter.
Berg'inyon - What are we doing in the next chapter?
Semdai - The same thing Jarlaxle and I have had been planning on doing every night.
Jarlaxle - (eagerly) Have some fun?
Semdai - No, after we do that.
Jarlaxle - Oh yeah, plan on going to Venice.
Semdai - No, after that too.
Jarlaxle - Put clothes on?
Semdai - After that.
Jarlaxle - Try to take over the world?
Semdai - (evilly) Yes, we will plan to take over the world. (Turns to Kellindil) And see if we can't get Kelly to come trick-or-treating.
Kellindil - (grumbles) My name is not Kelly.
Berg'inyon - You get used to her nicknames after a while.
Semdai - (dramatically) Come boys! (sweeping shot) Let us go to Taco Bell!
Kellindil - Why Taco Bell?
Zaknafein - Because Semdai is probably hungry, and I am too so let's go!
Semdai - Onward! (starts down the stairs)
All - (singing) We're following the leader, the leader, the leader, we're following the leader wherever she will go...
AN : Oh that was so much fun. Hope you have enjoyed it. Please review and feel free to flame.