Bowser sat on an over-sized chair in his castle.
"I just don't understand!" He roared. "How does that Mario pipsqueak always beat me?! How does he always get past me?!"
"Hey, King Koopa.." A goomba started. Bowser roared and it exploded.
"NO."
"I think he was important for the plot." said a koopa.
"THEN YOU SAY WHATEVER HE HAD TO SAY."
"Okay." The koopa was suddenly a goomba. "King Bowser Koopa sir, I think maybe it has to do with who you're kidnapping."
"... What?"
"You need to kidnap someone who doesn't have the wrath of a woman."
"... I... I slightly get what you're saying. But who do you suggest, and how would this change anything about Mario?"
"Mario will panic more if it's someone.. you know, 'closer to home'."
Bowser's brain imploded and he started to cackle. "iantBrill!"
"... Brilliant. SHUT UP" Bowser's roar caused the goomba to explode again, and he then started to put together his dastardly plan.
Mario sat at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. 'Nothing interesting to read about anymore...' He thought with a sigh.
"Ma~rio~! Oh, Maa~rioo~!" sung Luigi from outside.
Mario slammed his fists down on the table, ripping the newspaper in half. "THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, LUIGI"
"I watered the petunias"
"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!"
"They've grown heads and they're trying to eat me"
"MAYBE THEN YOU'LL SHUT THE FUCK UP. FAG." Mario magically repaired the newspaper and kept reading.
Luigi sighed and got out the hedgeclippers. He snipped off the heads of the mutant pirahna petunias and then sat on the random pipe in their front yard to Mushroom Kingdom.
"YOOP" A voice from inside the pipe resounded up to Luigi.
"AAAIEE!" Instinctively, Luigi screamed and jumped away.
"LUIGI SHUT THE FULL CUP"
"Hey, Luigi, that you?" asked a high-pitched voice.
"... Yes?"
"Come closer!"
Seeing no harm from something with that high a voice, Luigi shuffled closer.
SUDDENLY, THE ENTIRE PIPE CRACKED OPEN TO REVEAL BOWSER.
"OH GOD MARIO!"
"I SAID. SHUT. THE FUCK. UP."
"MARIO THIS IS IMPORTANT!"
"I WILL SHIT ON YOUR CAT"
"WE DON'T HAVE A CAT MAR-"
Bowser wrapped his hand around Luigi's face, lifting him into the air. The tall, skinny Mario brother tried to pull the hand away as he kicked at the large arm of the oversized Koopa. Bowser only laughed at his attempt to escape.
Mario heard the laugh and put on sunglasses. "BOWSER..." He smashed the sunglasses with his eyebrows and rushed outside to see Bowser descending into the broken pipe with Luigi.
"WAIT! HE'S MY BROTHER TO ABUSE!" Mario dived into the hole after them, ending up in front of Peach's castle. "HNNNG."
Bowser ran through the crowds of Toads, Luigi still suffocating in his palm.
"Get back here with my brother!" Mario screamed bravely, now changing his attitude as he had standards to live up to here.
Bowser ran past Peach, who had walked outside to see the commotion, causing her dress to blow up.
She shrieked and tugged it down, but not before making Mario skid to a stop and rethink his priorities.
He walked over to the princess and winked. "Nice panties, princess."
She pouted and looked at Bowser. "... Is he holding Luigi?"
"Yep."
"Why aren't you still chasing after him?"
"Because fuck Luigi. Who needs 'im."
"Pretty sure he's important."
"Entertain me."
"He's your brother and didn't he once go insane."
"He was hypnotized but yeah I guess so, but what does that have to do with anything?"
"What if he goes insane again?"
"So what? Besides, what are the odds of that?"
"I guess."
"LET'S MAKE LOVE, THEN WE CAN THINK ABOUT RESCUING MY WORTHLESS LITTLE BROTHER."
"OKAY"
They then let Luigi get carried away as they made the brisk, shameless walk to Peach's bedroom.