Low thunder rumbles in the cloudy night. A lightning bolt flashes, illuminating the Griffin house.
We see the shifting eyes of Lois, Chris, Brian, Stewie, then ... a hamster, with a crescendoing music motif.
"Peter! Do you mind? This is an investigation," says Joe.
"Oh, sorry," leaves the computer in the adjacent room and sits down on the couch next to Brian.
Joe, in full duty uniform & hat, wheels himself around the room, "None of you are leaving the house until I find out what happened here."
"There? Brian took a tinkle once," Peter replies.
"No, your dead daughter," says Joe non chalantly.
"Oh."
"I know one of you killed her."
Lois speaks, "Why does it have to be one of us? It could have been a stranger; maybe even O.J.!"
"No, he's too busy playing golf and having sex with models," answers Joe.
"Well, we'll never tell; we're a family and blood is thicker than water and all that lovey-dovey crap," says Peter.
Looking at them with lowered apathetic eyes, "Who ever tells me who did it gets full immunity."
"HE DID IT!!", they all shout. "She did it!" Peter's voice trails after they had all finished, while pointing at Lois.
Brian comments, "I'm starting to think there may be more wrong with this family than angry looks and murder."
"It can't be all of you."
"Well, we always have been trying to do more as a family," says Lois.
"Oh, here's an idea -- why don't you all go jump off a cliff? Better yet, how about just Lois," says Stewie.
"Look -- I stabbed her," Brian concedes.
"But you pointed at someone else earlier."
"I did, but I wasn't the first person to do so. This all started earlier today..."

Everything goes black. White letters appears: "Earlier today...", than high-pitched wood blocks imitate a ticking clock and "3:15 p.m." appears.
"I'm home!" the front door opens and Meg walks in with books in hand, "hey daddy," gives him a peck on the cheek.
"Just hold perfectly still; her sight is based on movement."
"What are you doing?"
"Ah, crap. Not now, honey, daddy's watching..." looks at the T.V., "Dawson's..." flips the channel, "Lewis Bl..." presses the remote again, "Batman Fore ... what the hell?! There's over a hundred channels. Daddy is watching something; he just hasn't figured out what the hell it is yet."
"Oh, hey sweetie," Lois says as she comes downstairs with a basket of dirty cloths, "how was your day?"
"You're never gonna guess what happened!"
"You got a life?" Peter says in a really low voice.
"What?"
"Debbie Wieselman kissed our new substitute teacher!"
"Mr. Postal? Well, he is kind of hot, but teachers and students have relationships all the time."
"Debbie and Michael were going at it for half an hour!"
"Sweetie, this is kind of boring ... do you got anything else?" asks Lois.
"Well, I put this quarter into a vending machine and got two bags of chips!"
"Oh -- I think I hear the dryer beeping," Lois runs off for the basement stairs.
"Damnit," comments Peter.
"And when I bent down to get them out, there was a third bag in there!"

"Oh, dear god! Get to the point already!" Joe slaps the arm rests on the wheelchair.

"I am, I am," Brian continues, "anyway, that's what I heard while Stewie and I were in the next room, WATCHING SOME VIDEOS ONLINE..."

"All right, check this one out," Brian moves a mouse around and clicks it.
"This had better not be two girls & one cup again or I'm gonna remove your testicles and give them to Harrison Ford. What? Crystal Skull sucked."
"Time for Plan B..." his voice drifts into the room.
FA-POOM'PA.
"Dad? Dad? Well, I guess I'll talk to you later."
"She's coming!" warns Brian.
"Quickly -- play dead!"
"I'm not sure that will work," says Brian.
"Then what's Erik Estrada been doing these passed two decades?"
Meg enters the room and runs up to Stewie pinching his cheeks, "Hey Stewie; how's my little cabbage patch doing?"
Stewie coughs, "eh-" cough, "eh -- she -- she's touching me. I-I say ... vision failing, heart rate rapidly declining..." coughs some more.
"Oh, you'll have to excuse him, he's got ... herpetitus. C."
"Well, I hope you get all better so we can play more."
"Assuming my -- cough -- limbs don't rot and fall off."
"Let me tell you what happened today during Physical Education!" shouts Meg.
"Meg -- and sweat ... and showers! Dear god, this must be stopped! " yells Stewie.
"Ryan Kessler was wearing no shirt and flexing those muscles of his and it was so hot and my nipples got hard--"

"What the?! " Joe looks at his crotch and starts punching it with a fist, "not now, damnit -- not now!!"

Meg continues, "Oh! And then he bent over an--"
"Ahhh, da da daa," Brian comments trying to keep her voice out; he looks around, then starts pounding his face into the desk top with his left hand, "where's my money? Where's my money? Where's my money?"

A harp sounds up & down the melodic scale.
"What's that?" asks Joe.
"Oh, Rebecca the harpist moved in next door."
"Thank god -- I think it's stopped," says Joe.
"The harp?"
"No, what little life there was left in little Lieutenant Joe. Brian, this had better be going somewhere."
"Well, long story short, it was then I knew I had to kill her," says Brian.
They all look at him.
"What? She was a whiney little rodent. complaining constantly. Don't you guys give me that look -- you all stabbed her too."
"Oh," Lois sighs and puts a hand on her forehead while shaking it, "it never ended; I regretted giving birth to her."
"Well, she was kind of a loud mouth," Joe comments.
"That's why I stabbed her in the mouth!" yells Chris.
"I tried euthanasia, but apparently that's only for animals," says Peter.
Stewie, who sits o the floor with a bandage on his forehead, comments, "Dear god, it was like a real life Chatty Cathy doll."
Joe wheels around, "So, which one of you sick daughter stabbing bastards did her next?"
"Oh, Brian -- did you hear that? He said 'did her'," says Stewie.
"Shut up."
"Maybe she was poisoned; Lois' food has been awfully bad lately," says Peter.
"Peter, she has five stab wounds."
"She tripped. And fell. On the knife..." Peter taps his fingers on his legs, "six times."
"Why does it even matter who stabbed her first? We all did it," Brian ads.
"Any number of factors; maybe you were all led into coercion; if the autopsy shows she died from the first wound, then that person will be charged with manslaughter."
"Well, I'll never tell and the only possible witnesses were Chris, my loving wife, an unconscious baby, and man's best friend."
"Peter did it."
"Bad dog!"
"All right. You better just go ahead and tell me what happened, Peter."
"Oh, okay. So, Meg had just left the living room..."

Peter, on his knees on the sofa, pulls his head out from between the cushions.
He sits back normally and clicks the remote.
The T.V. blares, "And now back to ... The Substitute."
"Agh!" flicks the channel.
"And if you act now, you can get two for the price of one!"
"Agh!" flicks the channel again.
James Earl Jones' voice blares, "You are watching CNN."
"Agh!" turns it off. He puts down the remote and stands, making fists, "I can' even watch T.V. because of her; I LOVE T.V.. Oh, that's it -- something's got to be done about her."
"So I went to the kitchen to go get a knife ... but it was all full," Peter's voice over says.
"What the hell?" says Peter upon seeing everyone in there. Chris is eating at the table and Stewie is in his high-chair.
Lois suddenly thrusts a knife out to Peter's face, stopping just shy of his eyes, "Say Peter, can you tell me if this knife is clean or not?"
"Well, I'm not really sure..."
Brian, in the background, jumps up and retrieves a knife, then looks about to make sure no one noticed, before exiting quickly.
"You know what? I can't really be sure; I'll just have to get another one and examine it later," takes one of the remaining three Ginsue knives, "on a completely unrelated note, you know where Meg is?"
"She went upstairs, thank god," says Lois while polishing the knife with a cloth.
"Thanks honey," kisses her, "you're the best."
Peter voice over sounds, "So I went back to the living room and watched T.V. a little more to avoid suspicion."
"And that's when you killed her?" asks Joe.
"No, that's when I caught the last five minutes of the cockroach episode of ALF."
"But then you did kill her?"
"After I took a leak; and I didn't wash my hands."
"What guy does?" Joe tosses out.
"But both Brian and Chris went upstairs before I did. Either one of them could have stabbed her first."
"Lois, your brother is up for parole soon, isn't he?" says Brian.
"Oh, oh -- it's so easy to pick on the fat guy."
"Well, who went up first?" asks Joe.
"Um, I think I did," replies Brian.
"Brian, would I be right in assuming nobody else was up there when you got there?"
"No."
"Then there was somebody else up there?" Aside from Meg."
"No, sorry; I said 'no' meaning 'yes'."
"'no meaning yes'? Look," Joe points at Brian, "I want a straight answer; someone else or wasn't there? Yes or no?"
"No."
"No there is or no there isn't?"
"Yes."
"If someone doesn't start making sense, I'm gonna have to start stabbing again, and this time 'No' definitely means 'Yes'."
"Look, I went upstairs to stab her, but when I tried the door, it was locked."
"Maybe whoever stabbed her first was in there already," Joe thinks aloud.
"No, I listened to the door to see if she was asleep, but she was just on the phone."
"All right -- now we're getting somewhere. I can trace the call back to whomever she spoke with and see if they know anything."
"I picked up another receiver; she was talking to herself."
"Disturbing on many levels. Which receiver?" Joe asks.
"The only other one upstairs, is in Lois' room. I went there because I heard someone coming up."
"Finally -- a break. Brace yourselves everybody; the next name uttered may very well have been the one who killed Meg. Brian ... whom did you see enter upstairs?"
"I peaked around the corner and saw ... Chris."
The dramatic ascending three-note motif plays as they all look at Chris.
"Damnit, Peter! Could you lay off that?!"
Peter turns around from the YouTube clip of the hamster and says, "Sorry."