By Joshua McCusker
A/N: This story was inspired by the song whose title I used performed by Evanescence. It also contains direct quotes from Harry Potter and the Order Of the Phoenix, which is not my own and belongs to J. K. Rowling as well as Warner Brothers and other various entities. Since I'm making no money from this, and am not claiming the quoted items as my own, I ask only that you refrain from suing me as I'm already broke and don't wish to add lawyer's fees to the bill. I request any forms of feedback on the story, either as reviews or emails. And any flaws in the story are gladly welcomed so that I may fix it and keep it as realistic as possible.
He saw it with the ease of someone who had spent
many years observing others, and he jumped between the teenaged boy and
the livid, insane white-haired man before Lucius Malfoy could strike.
"Harry, round up the others and GO!" he shouted, watching as Harry seized Neville Longbottom and made to go up the stairs. Remembering Lucius just in time, Lupin turned and blocked the curse Malfoy had flung at him and tossed back one of his own. Hurling them one after the other, his eyes blind with sweat and fear, he didn't stop until he finally saw that Malfoy was laying on the ground unconscious, stunned and paralyzed beyond normal human movement. It was in that moment that he heard the Longbottom boy yell, "DUBBLEDORE!" and turned to see Albus standing on the top of the circular room with a look of anger and determination. Knowing the battle was over, Moony turned towards the remaining sounds of fighting to see Sirius Black and Bellatrix Lestrange dueling madly.
Sirius was laughing and looking almost ten years younger; finally fighting and being of use, Sirius must have really been enjoying himself. A smile played over Lupin's worn and tragic face, lighting up his eyes to see the man he loved happy for a change. It was almost like Christmas again, and Remus was actually about to laugh when he saw Bellatrix throw a curse while Sirius was still ducking the last and he knew, as one knows when they see a train coming upon them too fast, that the world is about to end.
Sirius looked both shocked, afraid and still carried a ghost of the smile he'd been wearing as he fell through the veil. It was as if Remus was pulled with him, and he felt his heart yanked out of his chest, torn from his body by the invisible thread that kept them so closely tied for so long. A thread that had once been a very tight, thick cord but was only just being rebuilt after years of believing his lover had turned to the dark side. Remus felt all of the nights they had worked towards rebuilding their love come crashing through his mind like the ceiling of a burning building.
Ripped back to reality, Remus saw Harry Potter moving toward the dais as if he would simply climb up and pull Sirius back from the land of death with the ease of someone pulling a pair of their favorite pants out of a wardrobe. Fear gripped him as he realized that he might lose two of his favorite people in one day and Remus rushed to Harry and grabbed him around the boy's chest, holding the struggling teenager tightly to his own heaving chest.
"There's nothing you can do, Harry -- "
"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!" Harry cried out, his voice almost a sob.
"It's too late, Harry -- " Remus tried feebly.
"We can still reach him -- " Harry's voice was more strained as he apparently began to realize what had happened. With a renewed struggle, Harry tried to pull himself from Remus' embrace, but the man wouldn't let him go too.
"There's nothing you can do, Harry ... nothing ... He's gone."
Remus broke down at this point, his tears coming and the sobbing moving out of his chest unbidden. It was quiet and probably unnoticed, but a part of him still felt embarrassed at his weakness in this time of peril. The Death Eaters were still gathered here and he was needed to restrain them with the others. Harry was still struggling in his arms and Lupin was finding it harder to control the angered teenager.
"He hasn't gone!" Harry screamed. "SIRIUS!" He let out in his strangled voice. "SIRIUS!" It was as if he expected the man to just come back around the arch and brush himself off, laughing at his own undignified fighting. Remus choked again as he saw it in his own mind; his lover's bright eyes and embarrassed smile, the haughty way he would carry himself to keep back the pain of knowing he'd failed at something.
"He can't come back, Harry," Remus said gently, his voice cracking open with his heart as his pain began to flow even more freely, the tears falling unnoticed onto Harry's robes. The boy was slacking momentarily, so Remus continued, trying to maintain his voice. "He can't come back, because he's d -- "
"HE -- IS -- NOT -- DEAD!" Harry roared again, his attempts to move towards the veil returning with more vigor. "SIRIUS!"
Remus pulled Harry back and the dark-haired teen began to slack, his body wilting with the acknowledgement that Sirius was really gone. Remus took hold of his emotions and held them at bay, knowing he would have to take Harry's own feelings into account. The young man had already lost so much and been put through more than any normal wizard was meant to handle. Lupin knew that he must now act a proper role and be strong for Harry.
Taking note that Dumbledore had jockeyed all of the remaining Death Eaters into a herd in the center of the room, Remus let out a wrangled sigh and felt a weight lifting, but he held on to the weight as it was the only thing keeping the hole that now existed where his heart used to from leaking his soul into the world around him.
"Harry," came the Longbottom boy's mangled voice as he struggled down the steps with his legs still caught by the tarantallegra curse. "Harry ... I'b really sorry ... " the chubby boy said with the tone of someone who shared Harry's knowledge of loss. "Was dat man -- was Sirius Black a -- a friend of yours?"
Harry simply nodded, appearing as one who had seen his world collapse and was only just now trying to hold himself together so that not everything was lost. There were emotions dancing across the darkened face that Remus could only guess at, but wished with all his heart wouldn't show on his own. "Here," he said as he mustered his emotions again and aimed his wand at Longbottom's legs. "Finite." The boy stopped dancing in place and a look of relief took him over as he stood shakily before them. "Let's -- let's find the others. Where are they all, Neville?" Remus asked, allowing his steady gaze on Harry to linger for a moment, worried that the pain that was once again threatening to take him over was hidden by his staged look towards the open door behind them.
"Dey're all back dere," Neville said with a strain. "A brain addacked Ron bud I dink he's all righd -- and Herbione's unconscious, bud we could feel a bulse --"
The bang came so suddenly that Remus jumped, turning quickly to see Kingsley fall, screaming out in pain and shock as Bellatrix Lestrange turned and began to run away. Dumbledore shot a curse at her, but she deflected it and ran through the doorway to the outer chamber. Remus felt Harry's arm pull from his loosened grip and he was immediately terrified at what Harry might do. "Harry -- no!"
"SHE KILLED SIRIUS!" Harry screamed as he ran up the steps quickly following Bellatrix. "SHE KILLED HIM -- I'LL KILL HER!"
Harry was gone through the door as Remus ran up the steps after him, and just as he was about to reach the door, it slammed shut and he already had his wand aimed to cast the unlocking spell when he felt a hand grab him.
"Remus, no," came Dumbledore's calm voice. "I will go to Harry. You must stay here and help the others." Remus looked into Dumbledore's light blue eyes, which were usually full of mirth and love of life but now seemed darkened and worn, almost betraying the man's age.
Remus nodded and watched Dumbledore go, turning to survey the rest of the damage as his damaged heart threatened to reopen the fresh wound that was once his chest.
"Remus," Molly said with pain in her voice. "I'm so sorry."
He had started crying the moment they reentered Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Dumbledore had asked them to make sure that Harry would be better treated this summer, and he felt confident that it had worked. That horrible muggle, balloon-like man had seemed quite shaken and honestly worried. Now back at Sirius' home, all of his responsibilities finished, Lupin was unable to hold back his pain any longer. He collapsed onto the entryway floor and Molly settled next to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. He heard Sirius' mother muttering behind her curtain, but even she wasn't screaming now as Remus bawled into his worn cloak.
Half an hour and ten handkerchiefs later, Remus and Molly were sitting at the kitchen table sipping hot tea and quietly contemplating the past week's events. It was almost another half hour before she finally spoke.
"H-Harry seemed alright, didn't he?" Her voice was uncertain, as if she were trying to distract him from his pain but worried that her tact wouldn't succeed. Remus simply nodded, his brain still numb and his throat too wrecked from the sobbing to work. "I'm sure those horrible muggles will listen, aren't you?"
Remus stopped listening as she continued to talk on, her voice trailing onto the back-burner of his thoughts. He would soon have to go up to his and Sirius' room to pack, and he was dreading it more than anything in the world. He barely heard Molly as she excused herself and stepped through the fire back to the Burrow. He sat alone in the silence of the empty house, sure that the elf Kreacher had run back to Malfoy Manner to tend to Narcissa and Draco in their time of need. Glad for the first moment of peace he'd had since ...
Since Sirius died, he thought morbidly. Another part of himself hoped against hope that he would hear Sirius come down the stairs into the kitchen, his shabby hair and clothes billowing in the breeze and a smile playing on his lips at the sight of Remus. It was easy to imagine as he'd seen it almost every day for the past six months that he'd been staying with Sirius. His heart ached and he knew there would never be another way to repair it now that his lover was truly gone. Unlike when Sirius had left for Azkaban, Remus couldn't now pretend that Sirius was a Death Eater and had killed muggles and deserved to be gone from him. He couldn't sever the tie that bound them together, easing his pain. There was no betrayal this time, no reason to hate the man. Nothing to protect him from the raw pain and anger and loss he felt now.
After several hours, he drank the last of his tea, which was cold with time, and moved for the stairs with a determination that he was unsure really existed.
As he made through the entry, he saw Sirius' mother looking down at him with a satisfied smirk. "Is he really dead, half-breed? Is my traitor of a son really gone?"
And at her words, Remus' emotions drained of determination and filled with anger, hatred, pain and loss and before he knew what he was doing extracted his wand and aimed it at the portrait of the horrible woman that had tortured Sirius throughout childhood. "Incendio!" he screamed, his pain and anger flowing through his wand and shooting out a spell unlike any he'd ever used. He watched, stunned, as the portrait's protective spells broke and the canvas ignited. The mad woman screamed in fear and tried to run from the portrait into another, but Remus aimed at her again and this time struck her with the spell. He watched with terrible satisfaction as she was engulfed in flame along with the rest of her portrait. He waited until the entire thing was gone, leaving no trace it had ever existed with the exception of the lightened wallpaper that it had protected from the wear of time.
Satisfied and somewhat light-hearted, Remus turned and moved up the stairs towards their room and towards an uncertain future. With each step, he felt his heart growing more heavy and his will failing his already beaten soul.
When he finally reached the door to the third floor room, he stood outside it for many minutes with childish hopes that Sirius would be on the other side, waiting in the bed they'd shared, naked and aroused as he usually was whenever Remus returned from his long journeys for the Order. A smile played on Remus' lips at the memories playing across his worn face.
Shaking his head as if to force out the thoughts, the foolish hopes, he forced the door open and felt his chest heave, as he knew it might, at the sight of Sirius' pillow, still with the indentation of Sirius' sleeping head. Feeling nothing more than the desire to fall into the bed and wrap himself in Sirius' embrace, Remus collapsed into his side of the bed and let loose his pain again.
When the tears finally subsided, he sat in silence and didn't dare turn to look at where he knew Sirius would never lay again. This same bed had been theirs during childhood sleepovers, and Remus remembered their first encounter. The virginal fumbling and timid ways in which they explored each other's young bodies had been so gentle and caring. Remus had been afraid that Sirius would be rough or conceited, knowing already everything to do and laughing at him for not knowing himself. As it had turned out, even Sirius, then only thirteen but still believed to have been well-versed in the ways of sex, was actually a virgin and very much enamored with Remus.
He remembered his jealous fear that Sirius would fall for James, the satisfaction he felt at winning the dashing young man for himself and the knowledge that James had never felt the touch that Remus had been the sole recipient of. Remembering this now, with the veil of time allowing him to regret his vague fears and silly pain, Remus relived their entire life as if trying to memorize it and burn it further into his mind so he would never forget.
Remus knew he would never let another touch him, as he'd never allowed even while Sirius was in Azkaban. Their vows to each other, shared before Lilly, James and Peter the same day as James and Lilly's wedding, were still very strong and even Remus knew there would never be another he could feel so complete with. And he thought, with some pain and a very deep ache in his heart, that James and Lilly had been lucky to have died together. He didn't know how he was going to continue without Sirius.
And with that, he stood, still keeping his gaze away from the pillow that Sirius' head had been on just a week previous. With determination, he pulled out his wand and said, "Pack," and moved his wand with a fluid and almost poetic movement that caused everything to flow together like an orchestral movement. His trunk now fully packed, organized and neat, he cast the spell to tow his trunk along and left the room without looking back at the pillow. And as he stepped off of the bottom step of Grimmauld Place, he didn't look back as he stuck out his wand hand and heard the loud BANG! of the Knight Bus. Silently, almost ignoring the pock-marked young conductor, Remus climbed aboard and didn't bother to look at the house, knowing it had already disappeared into the charms which protected it from view.
"Where to, sir," asked the conductor.
"London -- The Leaky Cauldron," he said quietly and give up his eleven sickles.
It wasn't until the bus began to move, dashing here and there and causing several lampposts, a few shrubs and a house to jump back in fear that Remus finally acknowledged that it was over. Sirius was really gone and there was no returning to the life they'd tried to rebuild. As he cried, a witch in a seat nearby quickly turned to look out of the window, respectfully avoiding his gaze.
And when Remus arrived in London, his heart felt lighter, the weight of pain and the anguish of loss now just bitter throbs in his already ravaged chest. He knew he could go on, but a part of him had died that day in the Department of Mysteries, and he knew that he would never be the same.