I don't hate Coach- it's just that my brother made up the name and this story came to me while I was eating lunch. So I then laughed and stained my shirt with Snapple tea. As the brown stains on my uniform testify, I thought it was hilarious.
You might not, however, but do enjoy this story.
Florida- a scene of chaos and disorder as three survivors rapidly discharged their weapons at an oncoming horde of zombies, their guns flashing brightly in contrast with the rapidly darkening sky. A Hunter screeched as it zeroed in on their targets and tackled one to the ground, immediately beginning to punch through the yellow T-shirt to tear at the young man's stomach.
"Hunter!" another yelled, preparing to knock the infected off of his teammate before a slippery tongue wrapped around his body and pulled him back, slowly commencing to strangle him.
"Hold on!" The last one said, attempting to reach them, but failing when yet another horde of mindless common infected appeared. It seemed for the three that their moment of peril had came at last, that they would not be able to go forth in the West and proclaim liberty and freedom to the lands by dismembering infected with big-ass guns. It appeared that our heroes would be made into paste when suddenly...
...Coach entered the scene with a red tablecloth emblazoned with "TT" tied around his neck, the makeshift cape flapping majestically in the wind. Instead of his usual wear, he donned a neon colored suit that hurt peoples' eyes if they looked directly at it. He posed on the roof of the bar, looking at the crowd gathered below. Powerful floodlights were pointed at the sky, displaying an outline of a chicken leg with a lightning bolt in the middle on the bottom of the clouds.
"Citizens of Florida!" Coach trumpeted, garnering the attention of survivor and infected alike. "You need not worry! I'm here to save the day"
"Oh boy" Rochelle grumbled, swinging her axe and decapitating several infected.
"What the-" Nick gasped, scratching at his tongue-wrapped throat for air.
"Aw, man! It's a bird!" Ellis shouted, pointing at Coach.
"Rawr rrrrr grr! (It's a plane!)" growled the blood covered Hunter, who had stopped in the middle of tearing Ellis's stomach into bits and pieces.
"Heaaccch! (It's...!)" coughed the Smoker before hacking in surprise as he exploded when Rochelle threw her axe in its face, dropping Nick to the ground.
"Thunder Thighs!" the crowd gathered below gasped.
Using his makeshift lasso, Coach hooked it onto a railing as he jumped from the roof and swung from the balcony, swiftly kicking the Hunter off of Ellis.
"You want some of this!" Coach threatened, using the lasso like a nunchuk.
The common infected looked at each other, shrugged, and then charged towards him, smashing his body with their countless raging fists.
Thinking swiftly, Coach pulled from his pocket... a chocolate helicopter!
He bit off a large chunk of it, and suddenly, muscles started to grow. His arms swelled and rippled with the new-found muscles. Rochelle, Nick, and Ellis could only stare at their friend in stupefied wonder.
Coach flexed his biceps, kissed his triceps, and sent several common infected flying through the air with one punch. Leaping onto a car, he spun round just as the infected began to pile up, using his momentum to create a gore-fest. From above, it would look like a red and brown Catherine wheel relentlessly tearing through the horde and splattering blood and intestines all over the street. When Coach stopped spinning, however, he noted something that made the infected wish he were still obliterating them via high speed beating.
"You got blood on my suit!" Thunder thighs scowled, eying the congealing substance on his cape. "Hoo-ah!" a powerful kick sent somebody's jaw flying through the air and smash into a flying Hunter.
Suddenly, the ground began to shake and a roar echoed from behind the mass of infected. Thunder Thighs beat his chest bellowing a roar of his own. A Tank charged towards him, but Thunder Thighs did not back away from the challenge. He slid off of the car's roof and gripped the Tank's arms just as it was about to pummel the hero into the ground and changed his grip so that they were arm wrestling on top of a car's bonnet.
"Ha, you think you can take ol' Thunder Thighs?" he mocked, adding more pressure to the Tank's arm.
The Tank grunted in response, leering at the obese man and throwing his weight into Thunder Thigh's arm. Sweat was dripping down their faces as the match wore on, but neither of them backed down. The infected gathered around moaned, growled, and hissed in support of the Tank while the survivors shouted encouragements to their superhero.
"You sho' gon' wish you hadn't challenged Thunder Thighs to a fight..." Coach whispered just loud enough for only the Tank to hear. "Now you've called out the thunder!" he boomed, pushing with all of his might against the Tank.
With a sickening crack, the Tank's arm dislocated, sending the large infected howling in pain. Grunting angrily amongst themselves, the infected began to retreat as the Tank angrily stomped away, pounding cars into scrap metal with its good hand. With large grins, Thunder Thighs and his three armed comrades opened fire upon the distracted zombies, easily wiping them up.
"Aw, yeah, baby! That's how we do it in the South!" Coach proudly declared, unaware of a Hunter slowly approaching him from behind.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"Not so fast..." a voice shouted, drowning out the sound of the Hunter's cries of shock.
Coach whirled around to see two people flanking behind the young adult that had supported them earlier by handling the machine gun from atop the bridge's second tier. She held a katana in one hand and a smoking magnum in another. Her red and white tracksuit was completely covered in blood, and a worn, green beret was perched upon her head. The bridge creaked as it was being lowered once more, but somehow, the two males behind made their vocal presence known as they began to beat-box while their newly initiated leader began to rap.
"Zoey's in the game, just take a break, boys! You've got Thunder Thighs; he's just a little boy! With the horde, I'm a badass, I have a vet in my soul, you give me crap, and I'll kill you with coal"
Thunder Thighs gaped. He didn't have a theme song- he hadn't gotten around to composing one yet.
"You're in Zoey Overbeck's territory, and Zoey doesn't like it when people cross her turf!" Zoey icily declared, leaping from the lowering bridge's platform and landing in a crouch.
Nick rattled the metal fence, drawing more tension in the air. Rochelle and Ellis settled for their roles as dramatic lighting operators.
"On the left side of this fine road, there's the master blaster, the Tank smasher, it's... Thunder Thighs!" Ellis trumpeted.
Lights blazed in Coach's direction, highlighting his figure as he crossed his hands in front of his chest.
"... And on the other side is the challenger- the dealer of death, the teen of terror, it's... Zoey Overbeck!" Francis shouted, gesturing to Thunder Thigh's opponent with a grand sweep of an arm.
Lights blazed in Zoey's direction, illuminating her determined glare as she slowly straightened up.
The two slowly walked to each other down the gravel-maimed road before breaking into a run. The rattling of the chain fence grew more frenzied, like drum beats signaling the clash of two mighty forces. Both cocked their arm back, and the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny began!
Ha ha, I hoped you liked this nonsensical story! As to how this will end, well, you tell me.
Cast of characters played in order which they appear; Steam name:
Thunder Thighs (Coach) - Recon293
Rochelle- Capt. Nenharma (ha ha)
Zoey [Overbeck] - Zoey Overbeck
~Zoey