In the Mirror

I was excited. It was my chance to prove that I was someone worth noticing; that I could hold my own with my peers. I was going to rise up in the ranks and become one of the favorites. For once in my life, I would be accepted, admired, revered.

How could I have been so blind? I am not a killer, not a rapist, or a torturer. And yet, the flashes of memories wrecking havoc with my conscience beg to differ. I was never understood as a child, never loved, never dear to anyone. I had no friends, only enemies. But I did well in school—courteous to superiors, quiet, dutiful. I completed my homework on time in neat, logical sentences. My potions were only ever rivaled by Evans', and rightfully so.

So how did I come to be here, staring at myself with contempt, my hands dripping red with the blood of innocents? My heart is beating wildly in my chest, heaving to be released, while my mind replays all my dark deeds, my complete and utter debasement and disregard for life. Who am I to play Creator? Who am I to value my life over another's? How could I ever have believed this would be a group in which I could find myself?

My mangled, stained robes are discarded on the floor, and I stand here shaking from head to toe. My thoughts are screaming in my head, running together, trying to escape but going nowhere. The pain, the blood, the anguish…the cries I will never forget as long as I live.

And these scars.

I stare at my pale body in the dark room, the mirror reflecting the outward evidence of the torment I find within myself. The physical reminders of my initiation, angry scars that crisscross my body, stand in stark contrast to my once familiar, unblemished skin. I know there will be more scars. They will go deeper and deeper until everything I am or ever was is stripped away, wound after wound, night after hideous night.

Is this who I have become? If so, I am a monster.

I turn from the mirror—never to look in one again.

Such a cheerful holiday fic, no? Another reason why Severus doesn't take the time to work on personal appearances. Poor man.

Thanks always to drakien who deserves a free trip to London for all her help. I'm on holidays now so should have a few more things up over the next few weeks.