A/N: Okay, this is MAJOR MAJOR crackfic. Probably even more cracky than Attack of the Fangirls. This is the Doctors thoughts on Season 5 episode 1. It may contain spoilers for the next few episodes, just be aware, but it will only be what was already in previews. So here it is…
In one of the conference rooms at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching hospital there was some very serious business going on. Sitting around the long table were 9 very irate doctors. At the head of the table one doctor stood up, leaning on his cane heavily.
"Ex-friend, former ducklings, current ducklings, and Cuddy, we are here to discuss the disaster that was the season five premier." The doctors all hung their heads embarrassment.
"It wasn't so bad" Kutner tried pathetically. House rolled his eyes,
"You had like one line, of course it wasn't so bad for you! You just had to sit around and look busy so your small fan base wouldn't question where you were. See, we had nothing for you to do this episode because we were much too busy trying to boost her," he pointed at Thirteen, "almost non-existent fanbase by making her somewhat more likeable and a lot more like Cameron in a weird, 'I kind of look like Cameron and I kind of sound like Cameron, and I kind of act like Cameron, but I'm different because I'm dying and I fall in love with patients and not my boss' kind of way."
"I have a fanbase! People feel bad for me because I have Huntingtons and it makes me upset, but I don't want to let you know that so I act like a bitch to cover it up,"
"Right, so naturally Me, Taub and Chase have to question your diagnoses and act like man whores to you" Foreman added. House nodded,
"And I let them because I'm too busy trying to make my boyfriend stay, but then we have a depressing break-up scene" Wilson nodded,
"Even though I admit you didn't kill Amber and then make up some totally lame excuse for hating you and say we were never friends even though we were"
"And I try to get you too back together in a totally awkward scene that was painful for most viewers to watch"
"But back to me…" Thirteen nodded at House to go on, as she liked to hear other people talk about her.
"Right, right. You get overly connected to the patient; spill your life secrets to her, come up with a totally logical diagnosis, then I come in at the last second with the right diagnosis and save the day, anything else!?" Thirteen thought for a moment,
"Nope, that pretty much covers it"
"Good, well then-"
"WAIT!" House sighed,
"WHAT?"
"You forgot the totally lame bird metaphor the patient comes up with that makes me depressed and Emo the whole episode"
"Right, sorry, done now?"
"Oh, and you still don't know my name"
"But I said it last season when I was yelling at you for almost stabbing a patient!" House glared at Cuddy,
"Yeah, you were a big help, only telling me her last name, Hadley. For all I know she could be Lafonda Hadley." Thirteen rolled her eyes.
"Actually it's a good thing no one mentioned her first name because they changed it from the totally cool, totally awesome amazing name Remy to the super lame name Rema or possibly Rena, we aren't totally sure. No one uses that name in their fanfictions though, because Remy is so obviously a better and more fitting name, and they haven't officially used the name Rema/Rena in the show yet, and they probably won't until the childhood flashbacks David Shore threw in because he got much too obsessed with her character"
Everyone stared at Cameron, who blushed,
"What!? I wasn't getting enough attention so I had to phsyco-babble information no one cared about to get attention!"
"Are you even in this episode?" Chase asked. Cameron nodded,
"I get to talk to Wilson and be all profound even though I look ridiculously like a fourteen year old girl and my hair is a mess"
"And then Foreman totally contradicts your opinion later and makes me have to think long and hard about my decision, which ultimately won't matter since I'm contracted on the show for another billion seasons"
"So is that it?" House asked. They were all quiet for a really long time.
"What did our patient have anyway?" Kutner asked. House sighed,
"Well she had a baby in her intestines and we got rid of it and she was still sick and Thirteen thought she had lymphoma and for the last twenty minutes everyone thinks she's right until I come in and stab the patient in the leg, obviously proving she has leprosy" Foreman pouted,
"No lupus?"
"WE HAD THAT LAST SEASON!"
"We had leprosy first season" Cameron pointed out. House nodded,
"But it was a different kind of leprosy, and no one cared about that patient because they were too busy being distracted by Chase's dad who turned out to be dying"
"Bastard" Chase mumbled.
"Okay! So is that it?…yes?…good. Now what are we going to do about this?" Thirteen raised her hand excitedly, House looked around for someone else to have a suggestion. Finally Cameron raised her hand,
"Yes! Dr. Cameron"
"Dr. Hadley has an idea" House sighed,
"Right, Thirteen?"
"'kay so I think I should have a lesbian affair with a patient which no one is supposed to find out about, but something goes wrong and I have to admit that I was with her when she took pills at 3 AM"
"It's always about you! What about me?" Cuddy asked angrily.
"Don't worry, the sexual tension we've built up over the past three seasons is supposed to explode this season and we totally do it" House informed her.
"Oh! And House, I think you and I should go on a road trip" Wilson said. House nodded,
"Right, and Chase and Cameron?"
"Yeah?" they both said at the same time,
"Your fans got mad last season because we didn't pay enough attention to you, so now you have to be in more episodes"
"We should have an episode all about us!" Cameron said excitedly,
"You will! That way we can distract your fans from the fact that you still aren't any more important than last season."
"What about us?" Foreman asked, referring to himself, Taub and Kutner.
"Well none of you guys are very interesting, so you'll probably just react to Thirteen being lame all of a sudden since other than me she's the only character with a real plotline you interact with."
"Okay" There was a long silence,
"So, nothing else?" House asked. They all shook their heads and he nodded,
"Good, now if you'll excuse me I have to go cut a patient's head off. Bye" He limped out of the room leaving the other 8 to figure out their new plotlines. This was going to be interesting.
A/N: Ta-da! LOL sorry, I felt like I had to do that. Please review and umm yeah. If you want another sarcastic, crazy look at one of the episodes or seasons, I take requests :)
-Remy