A/N: My prompt was: #5: FicSeverus is pregnant and everyone around Hogwarts is trying to discover who is the father of his baby. They are bets going on and even in the papers are pictures of potential daddy's. However, behind the close doors of his chamber Severus cuddles with the only man for him Remus Lupin the only father of his baby."
Story: Baby, maybe?
Raiting: G
Warnings: MPreg, gratuitous sarcasm.
To: Hogwarts Board of Governors
From: Headmistress McGonagall
Re: Family quarters request
This is a note to inform the board that Professor Severus Snape has requested family quarters. This request must be approved no later than the start of the summer recess, as that is when his son is expected to arrive.
Respectfully yours,
Headmistress McGonagall
To: Headmistress McGonagall
From: Hogwarts Board of Governors
Re: Snape request
Before we reach a decision on this matter the board will require more information. For instance, we were unaware of Professor Snape change in marital status. In addition to this we also require the name of Professor Snape's wife so that we may do background checks on her, as she will be living in a school.
We await your reply,
Ignatius Bellow, Chair of the Board of Governors
To: Hogwarts Board of Governors
From: Professor Severus Snape
Re: Identity of my wife
None of your business.
S. Snape
To: Professor Severus Snape
From: Hogwarts Board of Governors
Re: Your Wife
According to section five of your employment contract, if a spouse of a Hogwarts teacher or Staff Member is to reside with the employed, then he/she must undergo the same background check as would the employed. This is to protect the children.
We await your reply,
Ignatius Bellow, Chair of the Board of Governors
To: Hogwarts Board of Governors
From: Professor Severus Snape
Re: Identity of my wife
I have no wife. However, my son will be arriving on the 25th of June and will need a place to sleep. Or should I put him on the door step like a milk bottle?
S. Snape
To: Professor Severus Snape
From: Hogwarts Board of Governors
Re: Your Wife
The Hogwarts Board of Governs requests your presence at our next meeting. This meeting will take place on the thirteenth of May in Hogwarts conference room seven at three in the afternoon.
Respectfully Yours,
Ignatius Bellow, Chair of the Board of Governors
Fifty eight years ago Thaddeus Burkins took the post of Board Herald. For a wage of 50 galleons a meeting his sole duty was to announce the board to order, and then close it. His qualifications for this job were simple: he was the brother of the Minister of Magic when the last Herald died.
"I call this, the 1576th meeting of the Hogwarts Board of Governors to order, the honorable Ignatius Bellow is Chair. This meeting has been called to address the…confusion about Professor Snape's request for family quarters." Thaddeus said, before walking stiffly back to his chair in the corner for a nap.
"Yes, well, let's cut to the chase. Could you please explain how it is that your son will be arriving to live with you when you have no wife Professor Snape?" Ignatius asked, looking towards the small table across from him at which Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall sat.
"If I must, as it is apparent you lack the simple ability to mind your own business. I could have had a son that lived with my wife until recently, or with other family members. Perhaps I am adopting a child from a young mother and that is the date the child is due. Or it could be that I have no wife but husband, and the child is his." Severus said, sarcasm almost dripping from each word as glared at each member of the board.
"Yes…well, Professor Snape, those are all reasonable situations. But which one is it?" asked a board member seated on the far left, after several minutes of awkward silence.
"None of those," he responded, standing up. As he stood it was obvious to all that he was heavily pregnant. As the slim man bent down to the table to gather a few papers a heavy thud could be heard off to the side. Thaddeus Burkins had fallen off of his chair in shock. This was undoubtedly the most exciting meeting in all his fifty eight years!
"I am the one that is carrying this child. Using the Paternus Exlir I was able to conceive. I have with me several healers' reports confirming this and the health of my child. Does this satisfy, or do you need to know any more of my personal business?" asked the abrasive man.
"Ah…yes…well…who is your co-parent?" asked Ignatius.
"As it is the child that will be living with me, not the sperm donor, I do not see why you need to know this, nor is it required information according to my employment contract. I await your decision" Snape said before walking out of the door, effectively ending that line of questioning.
That night, around thirteen different dinner tables thirteen different couples had the same shocking conversation. Each conversation started out something like this:
"My word! I had the most shocking board meeting today! Severus Snape is going to be a father!"
"That man, a father! What woman married him?"
"That's just it, he is the one pregnant! And he refuses to name the co-parent!"
From that point the conversations changed. Some couples came to the conclusion that he had used some sort of dark ritual ("He was a Death Eater after all!"). Others thought it was because his wife was too old to carry a child ("He does spend a lot of time with the Headmistress you know"). A few thought he must have paid some poor down on their luck person for their essence. But all thirteen had something more important to do that night. They had to go tell their friends that the potions bat was preggers and wouldn't say who did the deed!
The next day the wizarding world was abuzz with the news. If one were to walk down Diagon Alley one would hear dozens of wild theories, each more outrageous than the next.
"It was a secret affair with Narcissa Malfoy!"
"No! I hear it was Lucius"
"No, Harry Potter! Love and hate have a thin line after all"
"My little Danny saw him sneaking out of the Divination tower one night you know"
"Yea, well I hear it was Draco!"
"I hear it was a house elf!"
"I'll give 5 to 1 odds that the daddy is Harry Potter!"
But one girl – well, a woman really, but she still had that look of innocence of a girl, so long as you didn't look in her eyes - upon hearing the scandalous news, didn't speculate with the others. As she skipped down the street on her way to the store she remembered something she had seen in her second year of Hogwarts. Stopping suddenly she giggled, drawing the stares of those around her. She knew who the co-parent was. Really, it was quite simply obvious to anyone who listened to the Nargles.
"Daddy, I have a new story for you!" shouted Luna as she skipped into her father's house
"How is Rolf my little sundrop?" the old man said as he set the typeface on an ancient looking printing press.
"He's fine daddy. Don't you want to hear my story? It's breaking news!" said the girl, handing lead letters to her father
"I would sundrop, but we've had an important sighting of the Three-Headed Lungerstacker today. So I'm afraid that has to take priority."
"Oh poo. That is much more interesting than Professor Snape having a baby with Professor Lupin." she said sadly, sighing to herself.
"Really, with professor Lupin? I had heard it was a house elf"
Dear Professors Lupin and Snape,
I was so happy to hear about your baby! I hope the Nargles will leave it alone. If you live together in the dungeons than they should, as Nargles are allergic to dungeon moss. Do you know if it is a boy or girl yet? If it is a boy then the Tripplehorn Serpents always like a baby boy with an X name.
You should think about giving the baby a yellow room. Yellow is such a happy color, isn't it?
Love,
Luna Lovegood
P.S. I've included a Butterbeer cork, just in case you need one.
Dear Ms. Lovegood
I have no idea to what you are referring. Merlin only knows why you would think I would let that mutt touch me, let alone father my child.
Mind your own business.
S. Snape
Dear Professors Lupin and Snape,
The Nargles told me you love each other, so of course you're having a baby together.
Also, Professor Lupin forgot to lock his office door one night when you two were having a wrestling match. I never could tell who won, but you both looked very happy when you finished.
Love,
Luna Lovegood
Dear Luna,
I just wanted to thank you for your discretion in not telling others about the wrestling match. I would also like to apologize to you for neglecting to lock my door; I do hope it didn't shock you too much.
We both ask that you continue to keep this information to yourself, as we are not yet ready to inform the wizarding world of our relationship.
I'm sure Severus would thank you as well, but he's just finished delivering our daughter. We are naming her Artemis Fulvia. I do hope that name will protect her from the Tripplehorn Serpents.
Yours,
Remus Lupin
A/N: I'm not sure how Luna snuck in. She does that to me some times, I think it must be the Nargles. This story had several re-wrights, mostly owning to my computer crashing. My first idea for this story is not at all what this turned into, but I do like it!