Disclaimer: I do not own the Total Drama franchise nor The Ultimate Showdown (Of Ultimate Destiny).
Author's Notes: After randomly plugging the song into the first part of the TDA: My Way finale, I decided to write a songfic about it! I've never written a songfic before...is this how it's supposed to be done?
Total Drama Showdown
Owen woke up one day to a beautiful Wawanakwan sunrise. He stretched his thick arms into the air, letting out a loud, primal-sounding yawn, then stood up, scratching his armpit. Something seemed unusual today…it almost sounded like a musical beat was playing throughout camp, but Chris wasn't THAT nice, was he? Owen shrugged and walked out of the Gophers' cabin, his growling stomach leading him to the Mess Hall. Suddenly, he thought he heard someone talking…
Ol' Godzilla was hoppin' around, Tokyo City like a big playground…
Owen wondered what that could possibly mean, until his old nemesis, the rake next to the cabin, struck again!
"YEOW!!!!!" The fat boy started hopping on one foot, holding onto the other in pain. "GREAT MAN-EATING PEACOCKS, THE PAIN HURTS!!!!!"
When suddenly Batman burst from the shade and hit Godzilla with a Batgrenade…
"Someone's up early." Duncan seemed to come out of nowhere, greatly spooking Owen.
"OW! Oh, it's you, Duncan! Can ya help me out here?" He pointed to his foot with the rake still attached.
The delinquent shrugged. "Whatever." He crouched down and tried to remove the rake, but he did so using his hook hand. All that did was hurt the jolly giant more.
Godzilla got pissed and began to attack…
"HEY! YOU HURT ME!!!!!" Owen's sunny disposition suddenly changed to rage, which looked rather frightening on his flabby features. "I bet you did it on purpose!"
Duncan waved his hand and hook in defense. "Calm down, man. It was a total accident."
"Yeah right…" Owen stomped towards the delinquent, his great weight creating tremors with each step.
But didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq…
Before the enraged tub of lard could reach him, however, DJ took hold of his arms.
"I'm not diggin' the violence, guys," the gentle giant scolded, "So I think we should stop and think about this, huh?"
"Hey DJ," Owen greeted, now back to his sunny disposition. "How'd you get so brave allasudden?"
Who proceeded to open up a can of Shaq-Fu…
DJ held up a can of beans. "They're my mama's Magic Beans! They can increase courage, make ya fly, create world peace…"
Owen opened the can and dumped the entire contents in his large maw.
Duncan slapped his forehead. "DJ…you had to give him beans, didn't you?"
When Aaron Carter came out of the blue…
Tyler suddenly jumped into the group, doing a few practice jabs with his new boxing gloves. "Hey guys! Check out these state-of-the-art boxing gloves my dad bought for me!"
DJ tried to take a closer look. "Are those professional?"
"You bet!" Tyler finished off his showing off with an uppercut. He lost his balance and landed on his back. "Ow…"
And he started beating up Shaquille O'Neal…
The gentle giant helped the faux jock up. "Hey man, ya really need to practice. How 'bout ya spar a bit with me?"
Tyler's enthusiasm spiked. "Awesome idea!" He started punching DJ, who blocked them with his muscular arms.
"Left jab, right jab, left jab, uppercut...alright, you're gettin' better!"
Then they both got flattened by the Batmobile…
Duncan sighed, watching his teammates box each other. "Booooring." He then went back into the Bass cabin and came racing back out on his motorcycle. He ran over both of his teammates, yelling, "THAT'S HOW YA FIGHT, SUCKERS!!! WAHAHAHA!!!" Duncan revved his handlebars, then headed to the Mess Hall.
But before it could make it back to the Batcave, Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave…
A hand popped out of the ground and took hold of Duncan's foot, dragging him off the motorcycle.
"Gosh!" The earth shook, and Harold managed to escape his predicament. "Why'd you bury me in the ground?! Idiot!"
Duncan rolled his eyes. "Like I need to answer that question. I was bored, you were in my way, so I buried you."
And took an AK-47 out from under his hat, and blew Batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat…
The nerd obviously did not like this answer. "Okay, that's it! I've had it! That's the final straw!" A hand reached in his shirt and came out with a pair of nunchuks. "I will not tolerate your bullying anymore!" He swung them around, clipping Duncan on the arm.
"Harold!" the punk yelled. "Don't ya think you're being a little harsh? C'mon, I didn't bully you THAT much."
"73 times on my count," the nerd replied, advancing forward with his nunchuks still spinning. "I think that means I have to hit you with these 73 times. Sounds fair?"
But he ran outta bullets and he ran away, because Optimus Prime came to save the daaaay…
"HAROLLLLLLLD!!!" a shrill voice rang in the air. "DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ONE GREEN HAIR ON DUNCAN'S HEAD!!!!!"
Duncan goofily smiled, while Harold became scared out his gourd. "Crap…"
Courtney stormed out of the Mess Hall, having already eaten, then gasped, seeing Harold backing her boyfriend up using nunchuks. Her face turned red.
"Double crap…" Harold wheezed.
TOOT! Smoke whistled out of Courtney's ears.
"Giga-crap…
Courtney took out a bazooka.
"…Crap infinity." The nerd ran, screaming like a little girl, as the CIT fired her bazooka randomly while laughing maniacally.
This is the Ultimate Showdown, of Ultimate Destiny!
Chris and Chef were in the midst of a paintball fight, Chris using one of the Gopher's guns and Chef using a Bass'.
Good guys bad guys and explosions, as far as the eye can see!
Heather and Gwen were sissy-slapping each other with pure hatred in their faces. Nearby Trent was egging Gwen on by shouting "Go Gwen!" nine times.
And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be!
Izzy was dancing to the music, a huge grin on her face.
This is the Ultimate Showdown, of Ultimate Destiny!
Katie and Sadie were trying to fight, when Justin took his shirt off. Both girls were too enamored to do anything, so he just picked them off.
Godzilla took a bite outta Optimus Prime like Scruff McGruff took a bite outta crime…
As Courtney continued to fire wildly at Harold, Owen noticed something unusual about her. She had a glob of breakfast on her shirt.
"Hey Courtney?" he asked meekly, not wanting to meet her bazooka first-hand, "Are ya gonna finish that?"
Obviously, the CIT was far to engrossed with destroying Harold to respond.
Owen shrugged. "Well okay then." He bit onto her shirt, which finally ruined her concentration.
"OWEN!" she screamed, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY SHIRT?!!!"
And then Shaq came back covered in a tire track…
DJ finally got up from Duncan's motorcycle mishap, and rubbed his head. "Oh maaaaan…what just happened? Is that you, mama?"
But Jackie Chan jumped out and landed on his back…
"HI-YA!" Izzy ran into the group at random and jumped on DJ, who looked positively frightened. "Izzy wants to know what is going on!"
DJ shivered. "Uh…sure ya do…"
And Batman was injured and trying to get steady when Abraham Lincoln came back with a machete…
Harold had just noticed that Courtney was no longer firing at him due to her disgust at Owen. He decided to seize the opportunity, and cornered Duncan while unsheathing a katana.
"Where'd you get a katana?" the punk asked, not sure whether to be scared or just laugh.
Harold smirked. "It came free with the nunchuks. Once you join the elite rank on nunchukkers dot com, you can get all sorts of cool Japanese weapons and stuff."
But suddenly something caught his leg and he tripped…
"WAUGH!"
Indiana Jones took him out with his whip…
Harold fell to the ground, an arrow lodged in his buttock. Duncan looked confused, until he saw Ezekiel outside the Mess Hall, holding out a bow and chuckling nervously.
"Hey Homeschool!" Duncan waved to the prairie boy. "Thanks for the save, man!"
"Uh, actually…" Ezekiel nervously touched his index fingers together. "I was aimin' at Coortney, eh. She was gettin' too violent."
Duncan seethed. "WHAAAAAAATTTTTTT?!!!!! YOU ARE DEAD, HOMESCHOOL!"
Ezekiel squeaked out of nervousness and clasped a hand over his mouth. "I should really knoo when too keep my mooth shut, eh."
Then he saw Godzilla sneaking up from behind, and he reached for his gun which he just couldn't find…
"Hey Zeke!" Owen approached the prairie boy, drooling. "You've got some food on your pants! Can I have it?"
"Noot now, eh!" Ezekiel turned back to Duncan, but then realized his bow and quiver were missing.
'Cause Batman stole it and he shot and he missed…
He then found himself staring down an arrow, courtesy of Duncan.
"Homeschool, Homeschool, Homeschool…" he sighed, shaking his head in shame. "You should really know better than to turn your back from a known felon."
"…Meep."
And Jackie Chan deflected it with his fist…
Zeke quickly ducked down in fright as Duncan let go of the arrow. ZING! It nicked the top of the prairie boy's toque before Izzy inexplicably caught it in midair.
"Oooh…Is this a limited edition 1845 Cedar arrow?" (A/N: I know nothing about arrows, so if this is extremely inaccurate I don't care) she asked, examining it closely. "My cousin once went hunting with a quiver of these. He managed to kill a lion, a squid, and a Chupacabra in a single shot!"
Then he jumped in the air and did a somersault…
Izzy jumped in the air for no reason. Seriously, does she NEED a reason?
While Abraham Lincoln tried to pole vault onto Optimus Prime…
Courtney finally got over her disgust with Owen and was about to shoot at Harold again.
"Oh no! Not this time, foul beast!" The nerd let out a triumphant battle cry and leapt in the air, ready to deal the final blow with his katana.
But they collided in the air…
Izzy and Harold collided in the air.
"Hi Harry!" she greeted, chipper as ever. "Where's your lighting-shaped scar?"
"For the last time, my last name isn't Potter, it's McGrady! GOSH!" At that point they landed on the ground.
Then they both got hit by a Care Bear staaaare…
"Hey Harvey and Ezra," Lindsay greeted, "Why is Tyler next to that motorcycle? What is everyone doing? I'm confused."
Izzy clutched her head. "AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! THE STUPID HURTS MY BRAAAAAAIN!!!!"
Harold grumbled, "Your yelling is hurting MY brain…idiot."
This is the Ultimate Showdown, of Ultimate Destiny!
Chris and Chef continued with their paintball duel, until Chef suddenly shouted, "Look! It's lawsuits!"
"LAWSUITS?!!!!! WHERE?!!!!!" Chris looked around, frantically trying to find the lawsuits as Chef pelted him with blue paint.
Good guys bad guys and explosions, as far as the eye can see!
"Go Gwen! Go Gwen! Go Gwen! Go Gwen! Go Gwen! Go Gwen! Go Gwen! Go Gwen! Go Gwen!" Trent cheered.
Gwen turned to her boyfriend. "Okay, that's enough with the cheering." She then kicked Heather in the stomach, causing Trent to cheer more.
And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be!
Izzy did the Can-Can with Harold and Lindsay.
This is the Ultimate Showdown…
The bear attacked the camera.
Angels sang out in immaculate chorus…
"Seriously, stop with the cheering," Gwen requested.
Trent looked hurt for a moment, then shrugged. "Can I sing?"
Gwen found herself smiling. "Well…sure." Trent starting singing a song that is unimportant to the plot of this story.
Down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris…
STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! The shouting, fighting, and dancing all abruptly stopped as Eva stomped onto the battlefield. "What the hell is going on here?"
Of course, Lindsay was stupid enough to answer. "I think we were fighting…right guys?"
"Fighting, huh?" the muscular girl asked. "Well, why didn't ANYONE INVITE ME?!!!!!"
Everyone was too scared to move.
Who delivered a kick which could shatter bones…into the crotch of Indiana Jones…
Eva decided that her first target would be the boy who called her weak: Ezekiel. The prairie boy covered his eyes and didn't even try to run away as his assailant wound back and nailed his crotch with a kick. CRUNCH!
Who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain…
Pain didn't even begin to describe what Ezekiel was experiencing as he slowly dropped to the ground. All he knew was that he wanted to die, and he was now completely infertile.
As Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne…
Duncan was the only one brave enough to try to escape. Believing Eva to be stupid, he put his hook back on his hand as a disguise and slowly crept away from the fight.
But Chuck saw through his clever disguise…and he crushed Batman's head in between his thighs…
Obviously, the punk's abysmal disguise didn't work. With surprising agility Eva leapt into the air and landed in front of Duncan, looking more furious by the second. She then grabbed his head and squeezed it between her thighs, resulting in a bloody mess that had to be censored in the U.S. version of the show.
"Best. Death. Ever," Harold rasped.
Then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight and Benito Mussolini and the Blue Meanie and Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie, Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, the Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan all came outta nowhere lightning fast and they kicked Chuck Norris in his cowboy ass…
A whole army of expendable interns let out a battle cry and used their expendable might to stop Eva from killing anyone else. Unfortunately, they started killing people, too.
It was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw, with civilians looking on in total awe…
Chris and Chef sat in lawn chairs, watching the carnage unfold while drinking lemonade.
And the battle raged on for a century, many lives were claimed, but eventually the champion stood, the rest saw their better…
Chris spat out his drink as he noticed the sole figure standing atop the mountain of dead bodies. "Dude…but…how…NO WAY MAN!"
Chef was too shocked to speak.
Mister Rogers in a bloodstained sweater.
Cody stood atop the pile of bodies, headbanging and playing air guitar. "Oh yeah! Who's the best? Who's the best?! The Codemeister, that's who!"
This is the Ultimate Showdown, of Ultimate Destiny!
Cody started doing the robot.
Good guys bad guys and explosions, as far as the eye can see!
Cody did the moonwalk.
And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be!
Cody did the worm.
This is the Ultimate Showdown (This is the Ultimate Showdown)…
Cody stopped dancing. "Wait, I forgot. GWEN!" He hurried down the pile of bodies until he found a pale slender hand poking out. He pulled on it, revealing it to be just an arm. Without a torso.
This is the Ultimate Showdown (This is the Ultimate Showdown)…
Tears filled the techno-geek's eyes. He knelt down, faced the heavens, and screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This is the Ultimate Showdown (This is the Ultimate Showdown)…
Chris chuckled. "This is the best challenge we've ever had."
Chef looked confused. "This was a challenge?"
"Nope!" Chris drank some more lemonade.
Of Ultimate Destiny!
Author's Notes: No campers were harmed in the making of this fanfic. However, approximately 377 interns died horrible, bloody deaths. To the families of those poor interns, Chris will pay for their funerals.