- -It was coming up to the final deadline for the teachers to submit all of their students work, and this was causing Jen some distress. Being her first teaching settlement she could not help but feel sad that she wouldn't see these student again and that possibly her position may not be reinstated if the work delivered was not up to scratch. She had been sat at the same table in her classroom for the last 5 hours one hand on her head and the other rhythmically drumming her pen to the table, she was hoping for something to distract her, give her a smile she so much wanted, something to take how tedious this day was proving to be out of her head. She knew deep down that this distraction was only surface deep, she knew that a certain face and pair of eyes was protruding right at the tip of her brain. No Jen, stop it, you know you cant let yourself think of her. The tormented thoughts she kept locked away had been harassing her for the last 5 weeks since she walked away from the only feeling she knew certain of. She knew that if she allowed herself to think even for a second about that feeling, those eyes, the lips she wanted to touch, that girl. She was finding it hard to contain her emotions enough to sort out the work that she had used as an excuse so much. She felt confused by how lack of care she felt towards work today compared to how much she felt for other things.
A woman came in unbeknown to Jen and moved around her like a shadow, it was only when Jen jumped at the noise of a vacuum that she realised that it was the cleaner, she had been sat in a daze for so long she hadn't realised it was 6pm and everyone bar her had left the collage. Jen gathered her things and made her way out of the collage and into her car, she threw her things into the back seat and secured herself into the drivers side and turned on the engine. The music played , the song she had left it on earlier reminded her of that day to the beach, she remembered how Tilly had chuckled to herself in the car mocking Jen for her bad taste in music. Jen smiled at this thought knowing it was allowed, it was nothing more than a person adding opinion to something, nothing wrong, nothing heartbreaking. A tear trickled carelessly down her face and she knew there was no way of avoiding her thoughts, they were like demons plaguing her every motion she knew she was in trouble.
She arrived at home and collected her things, she heard a giggle and without even realising she allowed herself to believe, she turned so quick hoping the noise was coming from the voice she had missed, dropping artwork and assignments everywhere, blowing around in the wind like her hopes and faith. She knew this metaphor was fitting, "Hey Miss Gilmore do you need a hand" George bent down and collected what he could walking with Jen to the front door helping her in. "Thanks George, what you doing here, you looking for Sinead?" she replied, probably a bit more harsher than she intended but she had been kicked back into reality so abruptly that she hadn't adjusted to her own bearing quick enough. "Where do you want me to put it miss?", "Just on the table will be fine thanks George, so what you doing here I think Sinead is out with Bart". George was looking at some artwork while he replied "Im meeting Sinaed, Tills and maddie here, were going to celebrate finishing our exams. Hey is this Tilly's ?" he said pointing at a portrait, Jen was not even listening, he did it, he mentioned the name she had been avoiding, the name she had been beating herself not to think of. She stood hands on the chair in front of her looking at the work George had pointed out to her, her stomach lurched, catching her breath in her throat brining a hand up to her mouth. "Miss are you ok you don't look too good, I was telling maddie the other day I think I had a bug and …" he may as well of not been talking Jen wasn't listening, she picked up her bad and walked to her room, slamming the door as though trying to knock this feeling out of her. She lay her head onto her bed. Another sly tear make its way out of her eye and onto her pillow, she watching it momentarily sink into the fabric and allowed herself to switch off. She slept.
She awoke a few hours later, hearing a group of girls laughing and singing, she turned her head to look at her surroundings, the clock stated 1am. She got herself up and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and refresh herself, locking the door behind her. She sat of the edge of the bath letting out a tired yawn rubbing her arm where she'd slept with her bracelet on, leaving an imprint. She turned on the water and began washing her face and brushing her teeth when she heard a bang on the door which startled her. "Can I use the toilet please, I'm busting" a desperate plea came from outside, Jen immediately opened the door and instantly got bumped into. Staggering backwards she rubbed her heal that hit the sink, looking up she saw her, the read hair, the skinny but beautiful formed body, the eyes, oh the eyes that claimed Jens soul the first time she saw them. "Tilly" she let out the name like it was the last breath she had, it was raspy and desperate like she was calling her name out like a dying plea. "Hi Jen" Tilly's response confirmed it to Jen she was not dreaming, it was her. No the feeling she had been hiding, and the thoughts she had shrugged off had not gone away they were there and they were taking over her again.
"um.. How are you" the question sounded stupid to Jen in her own head when she said it but she wanted to know so bad that Tilly was ok and getting along with life, even though selfishly she hoped that she was suffering and feeling completely lost like she was. "Im fine, how are you." she could tell that although Tilly had been drinking she was always the responsible one who never allowed herself to become completely intoxicated and that the response was a front, she knew when the teenager was being sincere and this seemed like a childish way of acting fine to hurt Jen into thinking she didn't care. Jen allowed her head to drop down thinking she was hiding her pain but it was too clear to see, she felt the girls hand graze up her arm and rest of her shoulder, she remained head bowed trying to compose herself enough to meet her gaze "Jen look at me, im worried, Sinaed said you've been quiet and have barely spoke to anyone in weeks" she signed knowing the reason Jen was so upset was due to her "Are you ok, do you want me to leave?" it was with that statement that Jens head shot up, leaving her was the worst realisation in the world she never wanted to leave Tilly but for the teenage to walk away from her would completely and utterly destroy her. Her hand touched Tilly's on her shoulder and with a sharp intake of breath she met her gaze. The fireworks began in Jens stomach she didn't know whether she was going to explode, collapse, cry or even scream. "I'm, I have" speak Jen, tell her … she sighed "I have work to do" and with that she looked a look of defeat, why cant she tell her that she needed her, ached for her, wanted her and loved her. She removed her hand from Tilly's and stood backwards, Tilly looked confused for the millionth time but knew the brunette was hurting and it was killing her as she knew Jen would not let her help her. Tilly touched the side of Jens cheek, causing Jen's spine to tingle, moving her head to the side allowing Tilly to touch her, she couldn't stop it, she opened her eyes blinking away evidence of tears and looked into the other part of her souls eyes. Tilly simply wiped the side of Jens mouth where there had been residue of toothpaste and smiled at the teacher, it provoked a laugh out of Jens chest and she heartedly laughed. She always loved how the teenager calmed her and managed to make the most devastating situation seem plausible. Tilly simply smiled and ran into the bathroom leaving Jen stood in the hallway looking stunned.
Jen was now sat on the edge of her bed looking at the portrait Tilly had done of the statues the day they went to the beach, that beach was one of Jens favourite places to go. She felt like the statues, like she could momentarily stand still in time and become frozen in a space where nothing could hurt her. She had a way of feeling with her hands, she ran her fingertips over the portrait, savouring the raised bumps of paint as the teenager had marked a moment in both of their lives onto a visible scroll. There was a tap on her door and Jen called it to open, the red head walked in and sat next to her "I hope this is ok, I have a hangover kicking in and Sinaed said to ask you if you had any painkillers" she said with a smile, Jen smiled and rummaged through her bag and handed her some painkillers and a glass of water, Jen knew how she felt her head was spinning so much she felt like opening a bottle of wine. Something to take away this ache.
Tilly handled the glass with care looking at it and running her finger over the red lipstick mark and looking at Jens lips, and then she drank and swallowed the pills accidentally spilling drops, running down her chin. Jen moved her body watching the teenager in awe and using her thumb she removed the droplets of water from her chin, lingering the touch as long as she could get away with. Tilly stared back at her and they gazed, the loving gaze they often did to each other when the other wasn't looking, the pink cheeks that follow when they get caught, but this time they were both being caught and they both remained there stare, afraid to look away and snub the obvious and unforced connection.
"Do you want me to leave this time or are you going to do it again?" Tilly asked chuckling nervously, trying not to be mean but she simply couldn't be left fighting for what they have again and terrified Jen was going to say yes. "Tilly, you know I never wanted to leave you, I never want to leave you. I cant help this, this is out of my hands. Its not allowed, but I cant stop wanting it so bad. You make me think, make me feel, I cant stop this ache I have for you and to not have you is killing me" Jen was welling up again so Tilly jumped in before the brunette forced herself to walk away again, "Its only not allowed because of school, we are not in school Jen, I'm not back for 8 weeks now, that means we can go away, look at galleries, go to the beach, be here together, tonight its just us. I know you want this I know you cant control yourself with me and right now I cant control myself I will not stop looking at you, I will not stop you if you want to leave. But me, I'm under you" she let out a chuckle at the innuendo, even though it was not meant to be implied she was simply suggesting she was under this spell and couldn't even try to leave.
Jen however never removed her stare she smiled and cried along with what Tilly said. Tilly coughed and it broke their eyes apart and Jen was finding her eyes being able to move at another direction, here comes the second thoughts again. She layed back on the bed with her hands thrown onto her head, eyes shut beating herself for allowing herself to feel this, for so long her heart was red raw from beating herself up and deny her desire, allowing Tilly to get under her skin, for allowed tilly to walk into her room and allowing her to stay.
She was in a trance of hurt when she felt the bed shift and felt a hand on the base of her stomach, and one combing through her hair, she remained with her eyes shut but allowed the hands to drop, one feeling its way over her stomach to the source of warm running through her, she found Tilly's hand and there fingers intertwined, her lips pursed and she felt a warm pair of lips gently kiss her bottom lip and then the top, she remained still not allowing herself to reciprocate, the kisses continued on her lips and then her chin, Jen could feel herself pleading for the kiss to come back to her lips she needed it ,she wanted them so badly, they stopped. She opened her eyes searching for them "There you are, I thought this was going to become weird. Do you want me to stop?" Jen just stared at the girl scared, Tilly backed up taking this as unresponsive, Jen reached out and grabbed the girls blouse pulling her into a passionate kiss, tongues speaking for them both, the love between them both was enough to blow their minds, the both rolled around the bed kissing and allowing hands to wander, Jen could feel Tillys back and bra strap, cupping her shoulders, her fingers running up and down to her neck. She thought she was being too erratic but Tilly was worse she couldn't control herself her hands started at Jens waist, they were up and down her back, she threw off Jens dressing gown leaving her in just her nighty, she looked for a brief moment taking in the beauty of the teachers body, the body she was not allowed to touch but had full access to tonight, this was all new to Tilly she had never been this far with a woman before and it was exciting.
She seductively placed her hands of the base of Jens back and continued the kissing and then lowered them to the teachers ass, pulling her body closer to her, practically allowing Jen to straddle her, she ran her hands up Jens back and then rested them on top of her legs, making Jen moan as she was seducing her. She ran a hand along Jens stomach and then up the centre of her body to her neck holding her face while she continued to kiss her, her hair was so silky soft, Tilly loved playing with it, she ran her hand back down gripping her neck, the passion of being interlocked sped up the kissing they were barely in flow they were both desperate for it not to end. Tilly ran her hands from Jens neck to her shoulder, she could feel there was no bra strap and was overcome with excitement, this was amazing, she had never felt this turned on, she ran her hand and teasingly allowed it to stop and Jens boob, she cupped gently and allowed a thumb to graze the nipple, forcing Jen to let out a moan in pleasure. Tillys dress was already unbuttoned and the remnants of it was torn in the passionate moment, they both stopped the kiss and Tilly could feel Jens hand resting on her chest and one on the bed supporting them. They stared at each other knowing they could both go on and be lost in each others moment. Both heavy breathing, Jens chest was beating so hard her chest heaving lifting her assets with each stretched breath in seeking to catch her breath, Tilly knew she was in complete heaven and Jens eyes did not have a single sign of tears, all Tilly could see in them was her. "Are you ok" Jen asked attentively, making sure she wasn't taking advantage of the teenager, "Ha, um.. I cant breath but I don't want you to stop. Never stop kissing me, never stop holding me" Jen smirked and brushed her hair out of her face and kissed Tilly's forehead. Tilly didn't want to be patronised or treated like a teenager, tonight wasn't about age or experience, it was about this moment and two women making this moment count.
Morning came and the lovers were both intertwined on the bed the quilt carelessly thrown to cover them. Jen woke first and looked, she felt no guilt, no remorse she wanted this and she wants Tilly. She ran her fingers through her hair and ran circles along her shoulder and down her arm, the other hand on her own face tracing the kisses deposited there the night before. She was completely relaxed and knew that no matter what happened she wasn't going to ever be this happy, she was never going to be able to get away from this girl. She was completely and utterly in love and could not walk away from Tilly again, not without breaking her own heart.
Tilly's phone was buzzing for the third time and Jen snatched it up to look, she had 3 text messages from Maddie, asking where she was and that they had assumed she had gone home last night and they had left for breakfast at the collage, Jen smiled knowing she wouldn't have to try and explain why she had a student in her bed with her, in her mind and in her heart. Not for now anyway, for now she was allowed her, like she was hers and love her without worrying, Tilly stirred in her sleep and flicked her eyes open looking scared. "What's wrong babe? " Jen asked concerned, hoping she didn't go too far with the teenager and that know she had accepted what was happening Tilly may be the one questioning it. "I dreamt of us and when I woke I was scared this didn't happen, that you had walked away" Tilly allowed her eyes to well and blinked a tear down her face landing on the exact place on the pillow Jens had fallen the night before. "It was a dream Tilly, but it was also real, it felt like a dream. One I will never forget" Jen smiled, "Hopefully it will be one that will repeat itself" Tilly added with a cheeky smile, there was nothing forced from Jens expression she was overjoyed that this was finally allowed to be real.