Title: people say good-bye (in their own special way)
Rating: PG
Spoilers: The End
Summary: Kate pays an early morning visit.
Author's Notes: I've been fiddling with this for what seems like forever, so if I don't post it now, I never will. Thanks for reading.
It's nearly three in the morning when Kate parks her car outside the gates. Above her, the perfect shade of dark blue is painted gold with stars and the man in the moon is smiling down on her. A warm breeze through the open window tousles her brown hair, lifting it to shield her eyes before tossing it away again. It caresses her bare shoulders and then glides on as she shifts to pull her hair into a loose ponytail.
Tears shine in her green eyes like drops of crystals, threatening to fall and shatter her at any moment. She trembles with the effort of keeping them at bay, biting her bottom lip until it throbs like a pulse and the metallic taste of blood explodes on her tongue. Her hands tighten around the steering wheel, knuckles white with the strain, and she breathes deeply, eyes sweeping over rows and rows of monuments. Despite the effort, or maybe because of it, one of those tears finds its way down her cheek. She scrapes it away and opens the car door.
The night echoes as she slams it shut and the darkness enslaves her with its welcome attraction as she pushes through the open gate. Every motion is illuminated by the silver moonlight that filters through the sparse trees and by the shadows that play across the surface of the stone. But it never occurs to her to be afraid.
She's been avoiding this place for weeks, ever since Margo mentioned it in passing. Not wanting to put the final chapter down on his life. Not wanting to find the closure she desperately needs, even if it means living in oblivion for the rest of her life. But even as she believes this, it feels like a betrayal on her part and bruises her heart that much deeper. Jack wouldn't want her this way. She knows that beyond a shadow of a doubt. So she's doing this for him. Not her. Not anyone else. For him.
The freshly mowed grass is soft beneath her feet, tickling her ankles as the sandals she's wearing sink into the damp soil. The air is thick with the scent of fresh and dying flowers and of recently turned earth, both of which mix gloriously with the cleansing rain that had fallen only hours before.
Her short journey ends at a marble stone carved with his name; vases filled with delicate flowers decorating the sides. No doubt lovingly placed by a mother's hand.
The surge of guilt that shakes her at the thought is sudden. But not unexpected, because she sees it playing across her face every morning when she looks into the mirror. She carelessly knocks it aside, for now, and clenches her fists, drawing half moons into her palms as seemingly bottomless despair takes its rightful place; it's icy fingers seeping into every pore and tying a knot in her stomach until it almost burns. A faint tremor touches her lips. More tears fall, seeping into the cotton of her shirt as she sinks to her knees in the new grass. She barely notices the rain soaked ground saturating her jeans.
Kate keeps her eyes frozen on his name, almost foolishly afraid that even this will disappear. Her fingertips ghost around the edges and she tries to imagine it's him she's touching as she closes her eyes; warm flesh against warm flesh. But she's never had a good imagination and so as she opens her eyes she quickly drops her hand from the gravestone, the cold too much to handle now, and absently tangles it in the grass beside her knee. She rests the other against her thigh, her thumb rubbing circles along her naked ring finger.
The wind whistles and this time she shivers.
Another tear trickles down and the salty taste hits her lips before disappearing. Her mouth feels like old paper, dry and dusty. New lines gather and crease around the edges of her lips. She takes a deep breathe punctuating it with several even gasps and allows her voice to break through the silence, at the same time everything else is breaking inside her.
It's three simple words and a brittle smile.
"I miss you."