He felt the walls of the bathroom closing in on him.
The room had helped him before be it helping him catch a breath when the world sped ahead and he couldn't handle something. It also provided the shelter needed when he dealt with his emotions.
Like every other time, he picked up the first aid kid he brought into the bathroom with him and opened the metal box. Inside the typical objects resided; bandages, wraps, tweezers, disinfectant, and Tylenol. His blood raced in anticipation as he emptied the contents and lifted the fake bottom of the kit to reveal his secret treasures; his blades.
As he picked one up, his blood instantly calmed and he released a sigh of relief at the touch of metal. His sanctuary. The walls finally started to back off and gave him room to breathe.
He unceremoniously took off his shirt and tossed it in the corner. He grabbed a towel, inspected his arm then brought the blade to his inner arm in an unforeseen kiss of skin and metal. He released a quiet hiss of pain. Continuing to let the metal contact his arm, the pain ebbed away leading to pleasure. As he took in the blood, he couldn't help but smile. He let the blood flow a bit longer then took the towel and cleaned it up. After the blood was gone, he quickly wrapped his arm after putting some disinfecting crème on it. He buried the towel in the trash and put his kit back together. He put his shirt on gingerly to not aggravate his cuts and he scanned his intelligent eyes over the room to make sure he didn't miss anything. Satisfied that he hadn't, Logan left the bathroom to face the rest of the afternoon.
Logan left the Palm Woods Resort and found his feet walking towards the park. He had grabbed his backpack so he could work on his homework. He wanted to make sure he stayed at the top of the class because his parents would never let it go. His mind went to the last words he heard from his parents when he left Minnesota, "Don't let this silly band thing ruin your future. You're going to be a doctor. This can only be a hobby. Goodbye son." And with that, he was gone. He didn't get letters, only an email on occasion to check up on how his track to med school was going. They expected him to put everything into his school work and Gustavo and the rest of the guys expected him to put everything into their music. The pressure came from everywhere and he felt he couldn't speak. So he learned to live on 3 hours of sleep a night. He studied every chance he could and when the guys fell asleep, he studied until the words jumbled together. He went on being the one everyone thought was wound too tight, too serious, too boring.
Then he found cutting.
One day, the pressure was too much and he had an anxiety attack. Even with his head between his knees sitting on the bathroom floor, it felt like he was suffocating. He knocked everything out of the cabinets and was still hyperventilating. He ran out of the bathroom and had planned on getting a paper bag but when he opened the kitchen drawers, he saw the knives. The small amount of breath he had was sucked out of him as he looked around the empty apartment and grabbed a knife and went back to the bathroom. He knew what he was about to do. How he shouldn't do it. But he knew how people spoke of the relief cutting brought.
With that in mind, he brought the knife to his arm and let it slice his arm. He repeated this a few times and his dark eyes stared in shock at the blood that appeared on his arm. He felt the anxiety fade with the blood and he gave an incredulous smirk. Then he began to chuckle breathlessly, the hysterical sound bubbling from his throat as tears began to flow down his cheeks. He picked up the bloody knife and continued to cut until he almost felt light headed. He quickly grabbed some towels and cleaned up the blood on the floor and on his arm. He located a first aid kit under the sink and bandaged the cuts and wrapped the rest of the arm. He put it away and left the bathroom. He threw away the towels in the large trashcan. On a second thought, he grabbed some paper towels and put them on top. He then looked at the knife in his hand and made up his mind. He hid it under his mattress in his room.
Coming back to the present, Logan felt Kendall looking at him. He gave a little wave and masked his troubled thoughts with a smile. He was great a faking emotions.
"Hey buddy! What are you doing?" Kendall smiled brightly as he jogged over.
"Biochemistry." Logan said, holding up textbook. Even in the conversation, his mind was wandering.
"Ew," Kendall playfully shuddered. "That sounds awful. I'd break my head reading that! Then you'd have to use those doctor skills to work and fix it!" He smiled brightly. "Wanna take a break and play soccer? James and Carlos are over there!"
"Can't I have a test soon and I can't figure this one chapter out," He mumbled. "Sorry."
"At least you're getting some sunlight, finally. I was starting to think you were a vampire! Hey, we'll all walk back after the game alright?" After Logan agreed, Kendall smiled again and waved. "Later!"
Once Kendall left, Logan sighed. They were all getting on his case about him slowly withdrawing. He could tell he was doing it yet he wouldn't stop. Carlos stopped trying after a while and Kendall wouldn't question his isolation anymore but James.
James.
James wouldn't quit. He was after Logan all the time. If he said he was studying or if he wanted to be alone, his chocolate eyes would narrow in thought and suspicion in a way most would never think possible. James was smart. Maybe not textbook-wise, but he was incredible at reading people. It was setting Logan's bones on edge. He never said anything outright, but it was the body language and that face. The face said, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Just you wait.
And Logan was truly afraid he would. Once the guys found out about him cutting, they'd kick him out of the band. They'd think he was a freak and forget about him. He couldn't have that. He already felt alone. He knew the signs enough to know that he could be diagnosed with clinical depression. He couldn't get himself to do anything except music and school work; things expected from him. He made sure Momma Knight wasn't worried about him by smiling and laughing around her and playing around.
He was pulled out of his thoughts by Kendall calling him over to go home. He noticed that shadows and realized that he must have stuck in his thoughts for over an hour. He got up and pulled on his backpack and walked over to the guys. He made sure to walk next to Kendall but he could feel James' eyes boring into the back of my head. Logan was starting to get irritated and let his anger stew on the walk home. When they got back, Carlos suggested they go to the pool. Naturally, Logan passed to study but Kendall chose to go. James opted to stay back saying he needed a beauty nap. Katie and Momma Knight chose to go also. When the door closed and silence filled the apartment, Logan could feel James' presence and suddenly he couldn't hold back.
"WHAT?" Logan turned and lashed out, "What do you want?"
"What do you mean? "James responded coolly, leaning against the wall.
"You know what I mean. You're always staring into the back of my head, giving me this look if I choose to stay behind! Like there's something you need to figure out!" Logan's voice rose as the anger mounted in his head.
"I'm worried about you Logan. You're becoming withdrawn. All you ever do is study and work on music, and neither seems to bring you much happiness anymore. We don't know what to do!" James frowned, noting the irritability in Logan's voice.
"Don't do anything!" Logan shouted, almost sounding hysterical, "I don't need you guys breathing down my back! I'm fine! And I'm trying to make my parents happy by keeping my grades up. What I'm doing is working and you guys do what you do and shouldn't worry about me because I've always been different so it doesn't matter."
James' head snapped up. "Doesn't matter? Your happiness, your well-being matters Logan! I'm your friend! Maybe Kendall and Carlos can settle with your excuses but I can't! Don't lie to me! You're dying inside! You know it and I know it! So why won't you talk to me? Why won't you talk to anyone?!" He walked towards Logan who narrowed his eyes and walked backwards and hit the wall.
"Nothing is wrong!"
"Stop lying to me!"
"I'm not!"
"I don't believe you! I can tell when you're lying and when you're upset. You can't fool me!
"YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!" Logan screamed.
Logan went to push James away but James grabbed his arms right over his fresh cuts. Logan hissed in pain and James' eyes widened.
"Let me see your arm." He whispered, a look of shock on his face.
"No! There's nothing there!" Logan said. He could feel the cuts reopened and bleeding again.
"No. Let me see." He said forcefully.
"Why? The sleeves are tight and don't roll up." Logan was starting to sweat. He felt his heart beating faster.
"Because Logan. I want to make sure I'm wrong. You're isolating yourself, you hardly eat anymore, and you end up by yourself in crowded places. "
"It's nothing and you're wrong about whatever it is you're thinking. I fell the other day and hurt my arm. You grabbed it too hard, that's all."
"Stop lying! Stop covering things up! Something's wrong and I want to help you! I want to help you, Logie..." James whispered, putting his forehead against Logan's.
Logan sighed. Is there any way to get out of this? I won't let him see how completely screwed up I a—
"HEY!" Logan shouted as James ripped him from his thoughts by pulling his sleeve up. He saw the wrap around his arm and his eyes narrowed and burned into Logan's eyes. Logan started sweating again. "I told you. I hurt my arm the other day. It's fine, it just hurts." Logan said.
"Take off the wrap." James said quietly.
"No. It's not good for my arm."
"BULL CRAP. TAKE THE WRAP OFF LOGAN." James screamed. There was fear in his watery eyes.
Logan froze. "No. You're overreacting."
"No, I'm really not." James whispered.
"It doesn't even matter." Logan stated dismissively. His eyes dangerous and dark.
James threw him to the ground and sat on Logan's rage-filled body. Despite Logan's yells and fighting back, he managed to pin him to the ground and prevent Logan from hitting him. He grabbed the wrapped arm and began to unwrap it.
"STOP!" Logan screamed. He looked frantic and seemed like he was about to cry.
"Why should I? You won't tell me, so I'm finding out myself."
"Please! Stop!" Logan cried, a tear slipping down his cheek. "YOU'LL HATE ME!" He screamed. Then whispered again, "You'll hate me…" and sobbed.
James stared in horror at his best friends arm.
Cuts lay perfectly parallel on the pale skin all the way up his arm. There was blood on some that had reopened but he could see many were fresh among the slowly fading scars.
"Oh God, Logan…" James breathed. "What have you done to yourself?" His face was contorted in pain.
"It's noth-"
"DON'T YOU DARE CALL THIS NOTHING." James yelled, still staring at the cuts littering his friend's arm. He somehow managed to get Logan's shirt off and stared at his upper arms and parts of his stomach; also covered in cuts and scars. "Why?" He looked into Logan's brown eyes.
"Why?" Logan whispered, looking down. "You're asking me why?" He lifted his tear stained face and revealed the fury in his eyes. He finally threw James off of him and stood up over his stunned form.
"I'm cutting because I can't control anything else. I have to put everything into getting into med school for my parents and I have to put everything into the band here! My parents won't listen to anything I say and all that matters to them is that I'm top of the class. I'm studying when I'm not singing or I'm singing when I'm not studying, I can't tell which is which anymore to be honest. But so I've got all this stress and pressure coming from everywhere because everyone expects this certain picture of me. And if I don't match it, I've failed." He raged.
"Why didn't you talk to us? We're here for you Logan!" James cried out.
"I'm not going to ruin your pretty perfect lives for my mess! I'm a wreck; I couldn't push it on you guys! I'm the least important of the group so I'm not going to look like I'm grabbing for attention! I've tried to get out of this situation so many times.
"Suicide isn't as easy as everyone makes it seem. It's hard for a 17 to get a gun. I spend months hoarding pills and it did nothing. I woke up the next day; all that happened was that I kept getting sick. I didn't want anything messy. I couldn't do that to someone. And you guys weren't there. You couldn't see what was happening. How alone I was feeling. I felt every change in my actions yet you guys didn't pick up on anything. Only in the past few weeks have you started getting on my case."
"Logan, let me help you. Please! I'll make it up." James sobbed, listening to the suicide attempts.
"Nothing can be fixed! Everything's gone to crap, James! Why can't you see that?!"
"Because I see you," James whispered, "You're hurt. You don't want to do this anymore and you want somebody there for you. Well you're looking at him, Logie. I'll be here for you. Always. I won't leave you and I'm going to help you stop cutting," James' breath hitched, "and make sure you never feel the urge to kill yourself again. You are loved, Logan. I'm going to prove it to you."
Logan slid down against the wall to the floor, sobbing. "How? I don't even think I can be helped anymore."
"You're never past that point. Give me your blades."
When Logan came back, James threw them in the trash.
"You don't need them anymore. You've got me." James gave Logan his shirt back and pulled him into his chest in a fierce hug. Logan's shuddering breaths shook the two of them.
"Why are you doing this?" Logan whispered.
"Because I love you. I don't want you hurting anymore. This won't happen overnight and I know it's going to be hard, but we'll get you there."
"James…thank you." Logan buried his head into James' chest.
When Kendall and Carlos came back to the apartment they found James and Logan fast asleep in their shared room. James was curled protectively around Logan and Logan was seemingly hiding against James' chest. Kendall looked at Logan as smiled.
"Look at Logan, Carlos. The tension in his back is gone. It's been there for over a year and now it's just gone!"
"The weeks of tension is gone from James too, man!"
"Nice!" The duo whispered together and high fived, leaving the pair on the bed to continue sleeping.
After the door shut, Logan released a whimper in sleep, but James subconsciously rubbed his back and the stress left Logan's body yet again.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Wow! I finished a story! *clap clap clap* it was so angsy! augh I loved it. I always write suicide/selfharm, ect, type stories. It's the stuff I write best, I guess!
PLEASE review! I want to know if you guys liked it, hated it or if you just want to add suggestions! I'm kind of just free floating!
Bye!