Hey, everyone…sorry it has been a while since I've written a fanfic. This will be my last Seddie fanfic, due to the fact that Dan wasted so much potential, and I just can't continue to ship them, anymore.
Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly, but if I did, I would have not trolled any fans, and end things on a much clearer note.
Comprehension. It was a concept that he could never fully grasp the meaning of, something so obscure and exotic to his well being.
He was bereft of understanding the meaning behind certain gestures and sayings. It challenged him, causing an inner conflict with himself, everyday. Reason and logic always had a war with meaning and emotion, a battle for dominance occurring inside his head, everyday.
Reason and logic had always won the battle of wills, where meaning and emotion slowly faltered away, being concealed into the depths of his cold all knowing.
He didn't understand. With the angry thoughts that made the blonde girl's heart wrench, she realized he'll never be able to. Why would he even understand, now? For all those years, the walls that she built around herself, crumbled down so easily when that stupid, logical tech dork, came into her life.
She put up a good fight, too, protecting her walls that she so carefully built for them not to break down so easily, even threatening him to a double fist dance on his face.
Even then, he still wasn't so able to comprehend and pick up the intimation that the brunette-haired boy was the one she fell in love with, him, Freddie Benson. However, tonight was the night where the conclusion that she has formed over the recent months between them, ended up being the truth.
She replayed the scenes all over in her head, where her last solemn exchange of words between she and her best friend who was leaving for Italy.
"Sam…before I leave, I have something important to tell you…" The brunette shifted herself up in the seat when they were sitting down in the seats of the lobby, waiting. Her tone was wary and tentative, not a tone that was very inviting and warming. Sam noticed this unfamiliar tone and bored her ocean eyes into the chocolate eyes staring right back at her.
"What's bothering you, kid? You can always tell me." She continued to stare at her, noticing that she arched her head down, turning her gaze away from her and diverting her eyes from the attention of Sam.
She still stared at her, filled with curiosity and questioning, to why Carly was being so secretive, to why her best friend looked so upset…and defeated. "Right before I came downstairs to say goodbye to all of you, I kissed Freddie." The monotone in her tone was so upsetting and the way the guilt pulled her in enough to make her want to hide herself from Sam, was enough for her to not be angry or upset with Carly.
She could never be upset with Carly, she thought. Carly has been her best friend for over 10 years, and this wouldn't ruin their friendship. Their promise of there being no more secrets still remained intact and it at least filled Sam with the thought that Carly would never betray her trust.
However, that didn't comfort her in the sense of knowing that her two best friends kissed, that they both still might have lingering feelings for each other. That thought alone, made the light in her bright blue eyes darken. Her breathing hitched, and she turned away, positioning herself and being competent with showing no emotions of scorn or sadness make its way on her face.
"Sam, I'm so sorry! It didn't mean anything, at all! I don't know what even came over me…that kiss didn't mean anything to me. Nothing, at all," her nervous laughs and the way her eyes diverted its attention away from hers seemed to point to otherwise.
Sam noticed this, and didn't say anything. "If the kiss didn't mean anything to you, why are you trying to nervously brush it off then, huh?" she bitterly thought.
She kept her bitter thoughts to herself and instead, she looked back at her best friend, with a smirk plastered on her face. "Looks like someone has a little crush on Freddork again," she replied with such a teasing and playful voice, that it would've fooled anyone into believing that nothing was wrong.
"Wait…you're not upset?" Carly's voice was filled with confusion about how she could not be upset about this. Hell, Carly had every right to think and know that she would be upset. She developed feelings for the dork, dated him, and fell in love with him. She let him break her walls down, he helped her open up more, and change and mature into a better person. He was the first person she ever fell in love with.
It was foolish to think that she wouldn't even be upset by this slow surge of news.
But instead of telling the truth, she grimly smiled and murmured back a slow, "Of course I'm not upset, Carls. That nerd is probably cheering and doing his fangirling now, or whatever chiz they call that."
Carly's position relaxed, as she leaned back into her chair with relief. "You're probably right." Her giggles filled Sam's ears, as Sam still sat up straight, sadness and disappointment still filling up. She'll put up the guise of being happy and alright with everything, just for Carly's sake.
"Did you know that after we kissed, he even pumped his fists up in the air?"
It was that one sentence that made everything fall and falter away, and everything she believed in about Freddie, crumbled away. She sealed and built her walls up again, shielding herself from whatever the hell Benson might throw at her to make her feel herself tense up at his touch, his stupid smile, his gut-wrenching laughter.
She wasn't going to let him in, so easily again where he can gain her trust and respect, no matter how many times she may tease him.
She started driving away, the cool wind blowing against her hair, as she was driving away. The cool air was nice, she thought. It made her forget about everything for just that short amount of time, driving back home.
But everything closed in when she realized that she wasn't driving home, but instead, to a place that became so familiar to her that it became her second home. When she realized that she was driving back to the place that he awaited and resided in, she drove away, back to her home, forgetting all about Freddie.
From that night on, she wasn't going to let Freddie Benson get to her, ever again.
The next day, she wondered if he knew she was ignoring him, as she made her way to sit down with Wendy at lunch, instead of usually making her habit to sit down and eat lunch with the nub and Gibby.
She glanced at him, where they shared several glances that were filled with confused glares, and eyes of hopelessness when she scoffed, and turned her attention away from him and began talking to Wendy, laughing and smiling, as Freddie drove her out of his life.
He still didn't understand.
Weeks of avoiding turned into months, where neither of them said a word to each other. Everything shifted to being desolate and somber between them, but it was the gloominess that slowly comforted her and made her content with her life.
Cutting out Freddie completely from her life may have been a success, but every time she checked out the videos on iCarly, her heart sunk and everything just made her so upset and angry, because he simply didn't understand, and he wasn't even omniscient in knowing that, but instead stuck to the cold harsh truth, oblivious to everything that surrounded him.
He didn't understand why she used to tease him so much, causing him to often question the sanity of her.
Until she kissed him at the lock-in, he didn't understand why she was so persistent by hanging out with him, following all his obligations and being so kind to him.
He didn't understand why she stuck around with him for all those years, and why she fell in love with him.
However, that's one thing that they're both mutual with agreeing in, the question that makes her ponder every day: Why did she fall in love with him?
With the confusing thoughts that entered and the pit feeling she always felt in her stomach whenever she saw him in the hallways, she came to one graving decision.
She needed to leave, not just take a vacation and come back, but she needed to leave her old life, and just move on and put an end to everything because damn it all, she deserved to be happy for once in her life, and she was going to be fully content and happy with her life, once she's gone.
She arched herself on the motorcycle, moving her hands to start up the engine, where it would finally be a new beginning for her life. She already had bid her goodbyes to Spencer and Gibby, and while they both understood her sudden decision to leave, they both emphasized that they'll always be here to welcome her back home, if things don't work out.
She was crushed with a hug from Spencer, someone who she seen as a brotherly figure, and a peculiar but solemn reply from Gibby, murmuring under his breath to stay away from hobos.
However, while she had already said her goodbyes, she didn't even bother to tell him, because she knows he'll try to guilt-trip her into staying, even though nothing between them will ever be the same and that they can't go back to how things used to be.
She started her engines up, as she put her goggles on, ready to drive away and leave her old life in Seattle, behind her. She wasn't going to sit around and do nothing, she was going to drive away and start a new life without him there to push her back down.
"Do you honestly think that it's okay to leave without even saying goodbye?" That voice, no, it can't be him, she thought.
She slightly turned her head, not wanting to be met with the face of the person she downwardly continued to ignore, day after day.
His piercing brown eyes gazed down onto her blue eyes, as she stared at him, emotionless where her face and emotions can't be deciphered. "Since it apparently became okay to keep secrets," she mumbled in such a casual tone, where she shielded herself from him, once again. She wasn't going to break and she was determined to just get the hell out of here.
She turned her attention away from him, and began to start her engines, once again. Right when she was going to be successful in her plan, she felt a hand grasp her arm, pulling her back. He just had to be so persistent, didn't he?
"What are you even talking about, Sam?" Bitter laughter filled his ears, as she stared intently at him, her shoulders tensed. Even after all this time, he still doesn't understand is completely oblivious to everything, once again. Her thoughts of him possibly being able to know all slipped and faltered away.
His eyes narrowed, utterly confused and distraught by why she would be laughing about something as dire as this.
As her laughter subdued, a frown formed at the corner of her lips. "You still don't get it, do you?" she mumbled under her breath so softly, the words were unfamiliar to Freddie.
"What did you say?"
"You nub, I know about the kiss!" This time, she wasn't so competent in masking her emotions, as her sudden indignant yells shook him and caused his pair of brown eyes to widen, under shock of her knowledge about this, and confusion to why she's so upset. Her breathing hitched, but she maintained herself and stood her ground against him. He wasn't going to get off, so easily.
She waited a moment or two, and when too much time has passed, she shrugged her shoulders, signaling him to at least say something to her. Instead, he stood there, gaped.
She scoffed and rolled her eyes, as he still stood there, dumbfounded. "Whatever, I'm just going to go now," she walked back to her motorcycle and hopped on it, still bitter with dismay as he did nothing but stare shamefully at the sidewalk.
A long sigh escaped from his mouth, as he finally collected himself and his thoughts. "How did you even find out that me and Carly kissed?"
That was it? After 5 minutes of passing where he had time to think and process everything, his only mere response was a question?
"Carly told me about the kiss, right before she left Bushwell Plaza," she muttered. "At least she had the decency to not keep any secret from me," she bitterly added.
"Look, Sam, I didn't tell you because it honestly didn't mean anything to me!-"
"No, Benson. It had to mean something to you, because if it didn't, you would've just told me the truth, instead of acting like that kiss never happened."
All feelings of betrayal, anger, and anguish curled up inside of her. Those were one of the very few things she didn't understand about him. How he could lie straight up with her, but he should at least know that she can read him like a book.
Again, silence rested between both of them, and she realized she'd caught him and had him there.
"What happened to no more secrets, huh? I thought we all promised that. But oh, silly me to think that everything will go fan-freaking-tastic," she added the end sarcastically with there being a hint of bitter and anger in there.
Suddenly, a coy smirk appeared on Freddie's face, with that stupid grin that used to make her feel light headed. "Are you that jealous?"
Disgust.
Disgust was the only thing that filled her emotions at that moment, because she can't fathom why he would even ask that, why he would even suggest that she'd go back to him so easily, where he even brought up the subject of them getting back together, and then to actually be celebrating kissing her best friend, like she was some sort of prize.
And here he is, even suggesting that all of this was just out of jealousy, that the reason why her anger fueled up was because she was jealous of him and Carly's kiss before her sudden departure.
She admits, knowing that they kissed wasn't the best thing to hear, but it angered her even more and ignited the flames in her to think that she would be okay without knowing everything, and having her just be completely oblivious, like she's the pawn in his game.
In that moment, something in her snapped, and this time, she got on her motorcycle, and began driving it away, leaving a stunned Freddie shocked, along with grief.
She heard screams, as she heard him chasing after him. "Sam! You can't just leave like this!"
A smirk appeared on the sides of her lips, relieved that she was able to get away from him. "Well, look who's riding on the motorcycle, already? You can't stop me, you dork!" She began driving away, faster away from him, as the volume of his screams became muffled.
She mischievously grinned, as she was successful in her plan of escaping from being guilt-tripped by him, prepared to move on with her life, and be happy. She was doing something good for her life, and for once, he wasn't going to stop her from pursuing her happiness.
But even as she began to drive away, she couldn't help but question if there was ever a tiny hope that he would change and maybe one day, understand.
"Hey, Freddie!" She still kept driving away, but he still heard her call, loud and clear.
"I'M PROBABLY MORE NORMAL NOW, BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE I DON'T HATE YOU, ANYMORE!" she screamed out loud and clear, hoping he heard. At first, she didn't hear any response and was about to stop her motorcycle, but then she heard a reply.
"Sam," Her eyes lightened with wonder and awe, curious and hopeful that maybe he'll understand.
"What are you talking about? I don't think you ever hated me!" Any last hope of him changing and maybe being able to comprehend and understand everything, just shot down. She shook her head, and continued to drive. To think that now would be the time he would finally man up and understand.
But alas, even now, he doesn't understand, and with the sad thought that entered her mind, she realized he never will.
In the end, neither logic and reason, or meaning an emotion won the battle of wills inside of his head.
Because she finally slipped away from his life, when he should've had the logic to realize he pushed her away.
I wrote this little one-shot post iGoodbye, because I'm going to be honest here. I was really disappointed by the way the last episode was handled. We were left with more questions than answers, and no closure, whatsoever.
Here's a tip, folks: Never ship anything on a show made by Dan Schneider, because your heart will be crushed.