It was later than midnight, Danny knew, as he lightly curled his fingers around his beautiful wife's hair. Her head rested on his lap, over the blanket that covered his legs. A quick glance at the digital clock on the endtable said just after 1:30 am. He sat on the couch, perked straight up, restless. He wasn't tired, he realized finally, as he took a breif moment to stop thinking. The movie was long over, though the television still glowed a bright colour of blue.
They must've fallen asleep hours ago...
He didn't wonder how he hadn't noticed all of this before. Maybe he had fallen asleep too, and didn't realize it when he woke the remote from beside the empty wooden mixing bowl beside him, only containing popcorn seeds now, he gently pushed the power button, and the tv made a quiet clicking noise as it turned off, and the blue slowly faded into black. The table lamp on the other side of the couch was still dim, but not wanting to wake up Lindsay, he didn't move.
His wife was no longer the only beautiful woman in his life. A very real fact he didn't know if he liked or hated. He turned his head to look beside him, without taking his hand off of Lindsay's forehead. He smiled a little, as he watched that beautiful child sleep... Although, she was no longer a child. Already, she was 3 months 15. She looked alot like her mother now, and a little more every day, with the exception of dark green eyes (which Danny knew she'd inherited from his mother) that could have passed as dark brown at a distance, and darker coloured hair, which probably came from Lindsay's side of the family. She had the same button nose (that same one he loved so much), the same smile, and even her natural more-wavy curls were a reminder of the ones her mom had years before. He missed those. But her personality, her sence of humor, and her ability to stand up to the people that ticked her off - all of that came from him. He laughed at that, quietly to himself.
It's a nice allusion when ego's need checked...
As he watched her stomach move up and down, calmly and slowly as she breathed, he thought about things. The past, the present, and the future.
The day Lindsay had told him she was pregnant took him by surprise. He didn't know for sure what was to come of it. Months went on, the baby grew, and Danny had hopes for a New York son. The names rushed through his head, though the baby was still 2 months away. He'd write them down as they came, not really noticing if he liked them. But that didn't matter. He was going to be a father, and that was all he cared about. At night, he'd lie awake, sort of like now, and think about his boy's future.
He'll go to college, study science and math, and become a cop, just like his old man, and his old man before him...
His son would continue along the Messer path of footprints, as would his son after him. Until the month Lindsay hit 9. One trip to the doctor, and 'It's a healthy baby girl' came up on the sceen of his blackberry.
This changes everything now...
He smiled, as he thought about what he'd dazed about 16 years ago, surprised that he still remembered.
May 5th 2009 was the day he had been waiting for forever. He reflected again. Bits and peices of the approxomate 2 days were vivid memories. Words, phrases...
Just the important stuff...
"Oh no" He remembered her cry.
"What? What is it?"
"My water broke"
That was enough to give him a near-fatal heart attack. Even now.
"Okay, okay, this is it. Let's go..."
The memory flashed in his head like a montage from a dramatic movie. He smiled. He remembered the drive in the SUV on the way to the hospital, how hard his heart pounded. He swore it would have ripped out of his chest if he hadn't've had to pay attention to road signs.
It's always difficult to drive fast in New York City, let alone on a weekday...
He remembered that Lindsay must have been in alot of pain.
She never screamed like that before...
At least he'd never heard her scream like that before. The montage continued.
"DANNY! DRIVE FASTER!"
Her first contraction...
He remembered that she had been in labour for 13 hours, and not once did he ever leave her side...
Besides the occasional pee break and trips to the snack machine...
Then she came.
Right in the middle of a bite of that Mars bar...
He remembered taking Lindsay's hand and trying to comfort her through the shrieks that sounded like she was begging for her life.
Maybe it does hurt that much...
The memory of Lindsay screaming one last time, and sighing a painful, content sigh, and it was over.
"Danny..." She gasped.
"Its over, baby."
The worst memory for him was when he couldnt hear the baby cry. He felt sick to his stomach.
It still ties in knots to this day, just thinking about it...
He remembered the extreme rush of the second. And in that instant, he'd completely lost all track of time, how fast or how slow it moved.
That instant felt like it lasted forever. But there it was...
The sweet, high pitched squeel of the brand new Messer, drawing in her very first breath of air (her very first life experience that she would never remember). It filled the room and painted smiles on every person that heard it. He remembered that smile, and when he saw the sweet little arms reach into the air, and the tiniest legs he'd ever seen curl in toward her stomach.
"She's here."
"Congradulations, it's a healthy baby girl!" The memory of the doctor handing him his daughter, and he stared. That smile, he found, would not disappear.
"Let me see her"
She sounded exhausted...
Danny leaned in toward the exhausted Lindsay, who cried small tears of pride the moment she saw her reason for life.
The team all came in at once... all of them joyful, happy...
Undescribably extatic. A new member to the team. A fresh start, and that was exactly what they needed. That day in the hospital Danny would never forget. He wanted to tell her. He loved that girl far more than words could describe, and he wanted her to know that, but he didn't really know how to tell her, and all the words he would be able to muster wouldn't even begin to describe how he felt about her growing up so fast. He wanted her to know that the second he felt her in Lindsay's belly, it was instant affection. Love. He wanted her to know that even looking at her made him proud (to be her father, the clarinet recitals she won first place in, and the B average she had in school...). He wanted her to know, that even in her darkest, most painful moments, he'd always be there for her. And even when he was gone from this amazing world filled with pretty little miracles, she'd still be the most important person in his life, and one of the few that ever really mattered to him. He started thinking about telling her, and how.
All of the mistakes I've made... I didn't ever know how to make up for them... But in the end, when I held you in my arms for the first time and looked into those beautiful eyes, I knew. All the things that got me into trouble in my life, that didn't matter anymore. Because you, you were the best thing that ever happened to me...
He hadn't known, but Lindsay had been staring at him for quite some time. It was almost like she was reading his mind.
Maybe the expression gave it away?...
"She knows" She said, warily, still half asleep but convincing, and not moving from her previous position.
"What's that?"
"That you love her. And that you're proud of her"
"You think so?"
"I know so. You tell her all the time, Danny" He was always afraid he didn't say it enough.
He glanced down at Lindsay as she spoke ever so gently, and he continuously brushed the top of her head with his palm.
"Things are going to change, aren't they?"
"Well, she's 15, Danny. We can't really keep her from too much anymore"
"Not if I can help it." He said it like he meant it, but Lindsay saw right through it. Danny himself wasn't so sure he was convincing either.
Lindsay smiled. "You have to let her be a teenager."
"Yeah, I was afraid of that." He knew restrictions would have to be loosened. But the fact that she'd started wearing makeup long before he noticed bothered him, but he let it slide.
What's a little mascara?...
He knew now, though, that she'd want to start going to parties, and considering his job position, that frightened him. Alot. And those boyfriends that came around every once in a while with questions for him (hed have to start saying yes to those) scared him out of his wits, because he knew, that soon enough, not just a boy, but a young man would come to him with a life-long proposal... litterally.
"She's growing up so damn fast."
"I know."
"Can you imagine, in about 3 years from now, there will be no more pattering of footsteps, no messes to clean up, or chocolate chip pancakes?"
"Instead it will be a phone call once a month and college tuitions"
There was a short pause, and again Danny caught himself staring at his beautiful daughter, still asleep on the couch across from him.
"Look at her, she's distant already. She won't even sit on the same couch as us."
"She's not distant... Danny," Lindsay started, assuringly. "You did a good job. You've been an amazing father, and a best friend. You're her motivation. Her confidence comes from you. Because you've been there when she needed you and you never gave up on her, even when she gave up on herself... ." Lindsay sat up now, placing her palm on Danny's cheek, and looking deeply into his eyes. "And one day, when you have to let her go, I hope you realize that you did the best you could, and that she is who she is because of us."
"I can't be the one to give her away" He was sad now, but in a sence of pride.
That's an odd emotion...
Lindsay paused, looked into his eyes again, kept her palm on his cheek, raised her other hand and placed it on the other side of his face, and rested her forehead against his. "The hardest thing," She whispered, "is knowing that those years on the playground and in size 0 shoes and cute little onesies are eventually lost. That's why we try our hardest to cherish those moments, because those are the most precious years of their lives. But they do grow up, Danny. Fast. She's still your little girl. She loves you. She will always love you."
"I know that."
Lindsay, still intimate, gently kissed Danny's forehead, and there was another short pause. "Want to go to bed?"
"Yeah. Yeah, okay I'll meet you there"
"Okay" Lindsay kissed him one more time, then took the popcorn bowl away, and left the room.
For a moment, Danny thought about what she said. It replayed in his head.
"You've been an amazing father, and a best friend..."..."They do grow up..."..."She's still your little girl"...
Slowly, Danny stood up from where he sat, and pulled the blanket that was covering his legs up with him. He walked over to the second couch, where his daughter was lieing, still asleep, and pulled the blanket up over her. He made sure she was covered, then he knealt down to where she rest her head, and he whispered, "Alright, angel, just a few things. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. No boy will ever be good enough for you. And, as far as I'm concerned, you can be 80 years old and on your deathbed, but you will still be my baby..." He leaned in and made sure that he felt the kiss on her forehead, hoping that she did too, and stood up. "Goodnight, sweetheart. I love you" He turned off the lamp and walked away. Lindsay was waiting for him at the door frame. He grabbed her by the waist, pulled her in, and kissed her shoulder, then her neck.
"When tomorrow comes," she said, "You can do it all again"
She smiled at him, feeling his worry and fear. He gave an assuring smirk back, knowing he would. Then they turned around, and made their way to the bed. Danny lie there, his chest to Lindsays back, his arm curved over her. Even when his eyes were closed, the thoughts wouldn't end, until his thoughts turned more or less into prayers.
The smell of frying pancakes for breakfast... the sound of her angelic voice... her precious laughter... but most of all, that in the morning she is still too young for an alcoholic beverage... or a boyfriend...
All in all, he prayed for her to not grow up "so damn fast"...