I am so so sorry I haven't been writing or reviewing anyone's stories on here for quite a while now. Life has been ridiculously busy lately. I had to devote pretty much every waking minute to preparing for my ten hour art exam which occured a couple of weeks ago. I am so stoked that's finally all over. I am no longer an art student - yay! Actually, I am no longer a student, full-stop. I finished school for the last time last friday and am spending my free days revising, raping, and pillaging (in no particular order). Okay okay, enough excuses. I have written a much longer story to compensate you all for my previous lack of postings!
The usual disclaimer: I am not Alfred Hitchcock, nor do I own Tegan or Sara (although I sure as hell wish I did).
This is a bit of a different T&S fic. A little bit confusing in places, I'll admit, and has a pretty sad ending. Tell me what you think though; this is the first sory I've written in this 'darker' style, and I'd love to know how you guys think it works out.
I origionally wrote the first two or three paragraphs to this a long long time ago, intending it for another pairing, then re-discovered it and continued with the rest of it with a Tegan / Sara pairing. Just fyi.
This is based on a personal experience. Don't be alarmed. Needless to say, the character who Sara portrays managed to persuade me otherwise in real life. I'm not sure if it really was Vertigo, but I feel it to be somewhat similar.
Okay. Enough rambling. Enjoy! x x
The blue rusted metal door that she had seen in her dreams for nights on end was finally tangible as it loudly creaked shut, sounding as if it had not been used in years, the rust having coated it's weathered un-oiled hinges in thick flakes of dark browns and sickly oranges. City pigeons ambling about on the dirty roof of the tall building squawked, and in a whirl of chaotic fluttering and stray floating feathers, they rose clumsily into the air, flapping furiously to escape the terrifying cacophony of the old door slamming shut and the stalking figure drawing close to them. Each provoking the hysteria, they were soon gone, having left scattered train of grey and white feathers littering the gritty floor and ghosts of their terrified squawks floating on the wind, making the slowly advancing figure tremble even more.
From this high up, on the hundred and second floor of the building, the city was quiet; the sounds of the usual traffic in the streets below dampened by the distance, and the same with the public as people went about their lives, unbeknownst that this would be such a fateful day for one so high above.
Another slow step. Narrowed brown eyes stared at the grey floor as the tragic figure advanced towards it's destination. Though there was no rain falling from the gloomy cloudy sky, there were a few darkened patches on the grey roof where droplets of salty tears had cascaded freely from the face of the figure. A solitary sniff and several small agonised steps later, the person found herself standing at the edge of the roof looking out at a depressing view of Vancouver and the busy side walks and roads below. Did anyone know she was up here? That there was anyone so agonisingly miserable standing and watching as though they were an absolute outsider?
In truth, Tegan's life had ended a long time ago; she had been living each day as a zombie, watching on as other's lived and mimicking them without feeling. An empty life, and an empty soul ...
... she was a waste of space.
Twenty-five. She had expected her life to start years ago; was desperate for it to. She had hoped that things would get better; that people would begin to see her; that her parents would love her at all or pay attention to her; that she would get friends; that she would have some semblance of enjoyment ... but that didn't happen. Now twenty-five and just as empty as when she was thirteen, Tegan's hope was completely gone. No love. No happiness. Nothing to wake up for and nothing to smile for.
She was a waste of space.
The monotony of her drab life had become too much to bear. A struggle that made no sense to continue.
A deep breath. The world shifted slightly as Tegan slowly stepped onto the ledge of the roof. She could look straight down now. Her Vertigo hit and Tegan couldn't help but sway slightly.
One more step and the space that she took up on this world would be free for another. Another that deserved it.
The second she saw the hospital's caller ID on her cell phone, she knew Tegan was in trouble.
"Damn it, Tegan" the brunette growled to herself. The car swerved and took a corner with alarming speed. One elegant hand firmly holding the steering wheel, hard enough for the knuckles to have turned white, and the other clutching the gear stick, Sara Quin shifted gears and careened down the main road of the unfamiliar city.
Turning the corner, instantly she could see the building her sister was on. There was already police tape sectioning off that area, while a growing crowd of pedestrians stood at the barrier morbidly watching on with obvious fascination and pointing into the sky where a speck of a person could be seen. The guys in uniform were trying to keep the onlookers away, but seemed to be having no such luck. One of them began to talk into his two way radio, probably requesting back up.
Sara hurried from the car, all of a sudden realising she had forgotten the use of a seatbelt, and made her way over to the man she presumed was the officer in charge.
"What's going on?" she asked wearily, standing in front of the uniformed officer.
"A jumper. She won't talk to my boys up there. She's twitchy." The burly officer shrugged his broad shoulders while following her to the barrier. He put a protective arm out, blocking Sara from going in-between the barriers. "She'll jump soon. I'm afraid we can't let members of the public up there until this is over."
She nodded, while looking up into the sky with a grimace. "How long has she been up there?"
"Ten minutes. Having trouble with the decision I guess."
"Yeah, who knows," she shook her head, whilst looking around at the people. She turned and squarely faced the officer, "Look, can't you get rid of these people? They don't need to see a close up splat if she jumps, and they'll be waiting for nothing and will get angry if she doesn't. They don't belong here."
The officer nodded, a faint look of surprise flooding his face at the prospect of being ordered about by a member of the public. He nodded, "We have been-"
"Try harder!" The woman glanced up at the top of the building and then back to the officer. "I'm going up."
"Wait, what! Miss, you can't go up there!" The officer started, making a desperate grab for her arm, which Sara whipped out of his reach just in time.
"She's my sister. I need to talk to her."
"What? I have my guys up there helping." He glared at her, unimpressed.
"Yes, but she doesn't want your guys, does she,"
The officer remained silent, while Sara nodded slightly. She quickly ducked under the police tape, not hearing the officer swearing "… kid trying to do a fuckin' mans job!"
She briskly walked up to the main doors of the building. The door had been forced open either by the jumper or the officers up there already. It didn't matter who. "One hundred and two floors," she shook her head while looking around the deserted main reception and spotting elevators.
The lift seemed to be taking it's sweet old time, as if a life wasn't hanging in the balance. Perhaps it thought Sara had all day and would really like to spend it in the small enclosed, stale space. It was driving her nuts. She watched as the red digital numbers of each floor blinked into existence on the LCD panel above the doors, willing them to move faster.
She nodded her head absent-mindedly to the faint elevator-jingle playing from the small speakers embedded into the ceiling while her eyes stayed fixed to the LCD panel of numbers. It was on floor eighty-nine now. She continued to stare at the panel. "Ninety two … ninety three …" she was impatiently rocking on the balls of her feet, "ninety six …" She sighed and ran her hands over the faded grey material of her shirt, smoothing away any imaginary wrinkles. "Ninety nine … one hundred … two more to go" She took deep breaths to keep her calm.
The lift slowed to a stop and Sara bit her lip. Subconsciously, she stepped foreword. The lift stopped and the doors jerkily began to open to reveal an anxious man holding a gun at her. He warily lowered his gun once he saw her.
"Detective Williams radioed up. You're her sister?"
She nodded and stepped foreword again; he stood back awkwardly and completely lowered his standard issue gun.
The girl only nodded and moved past him, glancing down the barely lit corridor towards glass double doors, leading to the top floor offices. "Is she still on the roof?"
"Yeah …"
"Is she still alive?"
"Y-yes m'am. There are others out there already, trying to talk to her."
She nodded and then turned to the left to quickly ascend the stairs, leading to the heavy rusted metallic door.
Her face was flooded with light as she pushed the door open, and instantly recognisable scene hitting her eyes. She had seen this rooftop before; seen the pictures Tegan had painted across one wall of their shared apartment; seen the tiny scribbled versions hastily drawn on the back of bank statements and letters in a desperate bid to remember every exact detail before they were forgotten. She watched as a lonely pigeon fluttered away as the door slammed shut again, and turned almost instinctively to where she knew her sister would be standing.
"Miss ... I'm sure you don't want to jump," an overly muscled uniformed police officer gently insisted, while edging his way towards a very tense Tegan still stood precariously on the edge of the roof and swaying. "You don't want to go out like that do you?" he continued. Even from such a distance, he could see she was losing control. She looked ill … very ill.
" … stay back …"
"Miss"
"Please!" Tegan's hazy eyes scanned the pavement so very far away, her throat tightening and her stomach doing flips. "Just … leave me alone …" She closed her eyes briefly trying to calm the nausea and oncoming tunnel vision, but when she opened them, she was in a state no better. Dark spots dancing across her vision; her stomach churning ready to empty itself with as much as a stray thought as it's stimulus ... Tegan wasn't happy. She needed to use her head. She had planned on jumping straight away. She... well really, to continue to live would be utterly absurd. The fact that she had made it this far already was morbidly laughable. She had to go; she couldn't continue like this; just as she was sure others around her would be better off without her.
"Miss, please, don't jump. If you come down, we can talk about this. Make you better …" the police officer called again, while the three others around him stayed silent and careful not to make any sudden moves.
"I told you! I want to be alone!"
"We can't leave you here. We have our orders."
Tegan nodded, her eyes skimming the darkening skyline. "… orders …" she whispered. Not even these men trying so hard to stop her suicide cared about her. It was their orders; their job. Of course.
Leaning forward slightly, tears that had dried up only moments ago, continued. The men were making it so much worse.
"Miss …"
He was the worst. He wouldn't leave her alone! She needed peace, if only for a minute to just sort her head out. She couldn't separate her thoughts. She needed to make sure; she ... wanted this, didn't she? The door to the roof had been in her dreams. This was her destiny.
Tegan trembled. She had to jump. What would become of her if she turned around and into the arms of these officers who were only doing their jobs? In a week she would be caught in the same awful monotony that was her life.
"Step back! You'll fall!"
Tegan heaved and indeed nearly fell. She nearly blacked out. She was afraid of heights. She couldn't handle this at all. She ... "Wha?" The sound of the heavy metal door being swung open caused the brunette to quickly turn her head, causing her to lose her balance. She heard an officer already alarmingly close to her gasp, and she tried to regain her balance.
The was another woman there.
There was a minute of silence as the men turned to the woman with helpless expressions. They had been up here for just under ten minutes, and nothing seemed to work, but they couldn't say that. The suicidal girl would hear them and that would hardly help the situation. But thankfully the other woman seemed to get the idea anyway and sternly watched the guy closest to Tegan. "Leave us," she ordered.
"But we were told to retrieve the girl," another replied , but he only received a shake of the head.
"You have new orders now. They are to leave us. Detective Williams sent me up." All the while the words were being said, Sara's gaze didn't once waver from the precarious girl on the ledge.
After another few seconds of hesitance, and the four police officers slowly left, while alternately watching the young woman and the girl with her back to them. The door creaked shut behind them as they entered the building, and only then did they turn and let out breaths. They silently wished Sara good luck, but could see no use coming of it.
"You … don't want to jump," Sara slowly turned to the back of the girl. "You've been up here for ten minutes already …" There were several meters between them. Never before had several meters seemed so much to Sara. "If ... you really want to jump, you would have done it already."
"Leave me alone!"
She lowly took a step toward the trembling girl with dark short hair. Her eyes narrowed as she drew slowly closer. The sun had just disappeared behind thick ominous clouds, and Sara shivered. She watched the her sister whose back was still to her as the weather began to worsen... and she felt strange.
Her memory began to blank.
"Tegan"
How did she know her name? Wait, was it really Tegan? It couldn't be. Tegan had left her two months ago to stay in a hospital, her brain reminded her. How had Sara known, after the hospital's frantic call that Tegan had ran away, that she would come to this building; would be waiting to jump from this roof?
A slight turn of her head showed Sara that she had been correct. Tegan nodded, recognising her sisters face now that they were within a realisation distance. Sara took another step towards Tegan, the grit under her shoe startling them both.
"Don't come any closer,"
"Why are you doing this? What makes you think ending your life would be the best solution?"
"… it's the only solution …"
Another step.
"Who says?"
Tegan swayed slightly, alarming her sister. "… I do …"
Taking a deep breath, Sara took another step. Only a couple of meters between them now, but already she was feeling sick to the pit of her stomach. The edge was closer than she liked, and she briefly cursed that her sister had to be standing on the ledge already. It was just her luck. "Why?" Jumping off a building being the only solution? It was extreme.
"A-a waste of-"
"- space, yeah, that's what they all say." So she heard. Sara had never had to try and talk a person out of jumping. The fact that this was her sister, her Tegan, made it all so much harder to take in. Sara's eyes widened as Tegan swayed again, "Look! Stop! You're going to fall!"
"… isn't that the point …?"
"You haven't made the choice yet. If you decided not to, you could accidentally fall anyway."
"… then I won't decide not to."
Tegan took a step so that the front of her shoes were over the edge. All she need do was lean forward and she'd be gone. She looked truly sick. Sara noticed her sister was having trouble breathing, though it was true the air was thin up here. She watched as she swayed, losing control of her body. What was wrong with her? Vertigo? Just like her?
"Tell me why." Sara's voice was more in control than she really felt. What did she think she could do to try and help? Tegan had been ill for months. As much as Sara hated to admit it, she knew it would be impossible to help Tegan. Still, she persisted. "Why!"
Tegan trembled.
Sara shook her head. Don't shout at your suicidal sister. Forget your Vertigo. Forget everything; just focus on her.
"Waste of-"
"No, give me the real reason."
She saw Tegan's jaw clench. She could see it from her angle just to the side. "I can't help you if you don't tell me the truth."
Silence.
Sara took another careful step, cursing the grit beneath her shoes. The sky was incredibly dark though it was late spring and only six in the evening. There would be rain any moment now...
"When …"
Sara took another step with her eyes trained solely on her sister. She couldn't see her face properly … but she could picture Tegan's expression as she struggled with her answers, struggled with her decision.
"… there's nothing for you to wake up for …"
Another step., and Sara noticed Tegan turn her head slightly to look at her.
"… have you ever felt like that? So empty? You don't feel anything as each day passes."
Sara nodded. "Sometimes,"
"How … do you cope?"
Another step. "I don't … know." Her eyes narrowed as she saw more of her sisters face.
"No one cares about me-"
"I'm sure they do. I do."
"No. You don't."
Tegan turned away again. Her tragic eyes staring out at the cityscape before them. She was so pale with rings around her eyes. An arm snaked out and braced itself against her stomach.
"You're ill." Sara whispered, yet strangely her sister heard.
"Vertigo."
More silence. Thunder rolled not too far away. They were on one of the tallest buildings in the city. They weren't safe up here at all. "Why are you up here? Why this security building?" Sara tried to hold in a shiver. The air had considerably dropped in temperature. She didn't understand how Tegan could stand the cold in her thin hospital clothes.
"I don't know."
What kind of answer was that?
"It's been in my dreams."
Sara expected that.
"It's my destiny. To jump."
Something was tugging at Sara's mind. Something important but she had no idea what. It was just out of her grasp. She took another step and realised she had broken out into a cold sweat despite the biting chill in the air. She didn't want to be here. Not at all … but her sister "Tegan …" Was she even sure this was Tegan? Her mind was clouding, fuzzing over, forgetting her sisters features. She panicked. "Tegan, look at me." She was standing to the side enough for the girl to only need to turn her head again.
Slowly she turned and big watering brown eyes met her grey ones. Both were silent for a minute, watching each other and the thunder rolled again, this time even closer. A second later the sky briefly lit up as lightning streaked across it casting them both in a momentary white glow. It was too close.
Vertigo tugged at the invisible strings above her head once again. She recognised Tegan's face, but couldn't place her in her mind, couldn't understand that this girl had been her sister, still was her sister.
"I know you …" Sara muttered quietly, her eyes narrowing.
"We've never met."
"But …" had they really not ever met? The name … the face …? "Please, Tegan. Get away from the edge."
The girl - no, she wasn't a child, but then Sara was hardly a complete adult. Twenty-five … and this girl seemed about the same age. She must be the same age. What was the difference between them? One was broken, while the other still struggled on. One was about to end her life, while the other desperately tried to save it. Why?
"No."
The girl turned away again, and Sara took another step, feeling desperate. One meter. Just a little closer and she could reach out and touch her. What would happen then? Would she physically restrain her and call the guys back up here? Tegan deserved better. She should make the choice herself; realize that she wasn't alone.
"Please, just leave me alone," Tegan mumbled brokenly.
"I can't do that."
Rain started to fall. A bit late considering the thunder and lightning had started five minutes ago. Was it five minutes ago? Had she lost her grip on time up here? "What about our parents?" Our? Our parents? Was this girl really her sister - had they really grown up with the same family? Sara's mind was completely fogging now, mimicking the heavy sky. She had no recollection whatsoever about her childhood, or any past memories now. All she could remember was Tegan.
They don't care.
"They don't care."
She knew Tegan would say that, had predicted the exact way her voice would sound as the words tumbled from her lips.
"Friends …"
None.
"I don't have any."
Nobody. You're …
"I'm alone. I didn't lie before." Tegan trembled and took a deep yet shuddering breath. Tears were falling again, but Sara knew she had been crying long before she arrived.
"… you're not alone."
The tears continued to fall, and somehow Sara's cold heart suddenly gave a beat in her chest. A heart she was sure had been dead for years.
Tegan said nothing. She simply stared out as more lightning struck. Surely it was getting closer. Sara took another step, but her eyes were now on the darkening horizon. Her stomach was in knots both at the situation and the reminder on just how high up they were; how far they could fall. Terror. "You're not alone Tegan." They were similar. It felt comfortable to admit it.
"Who else is there?"
"… me …"
Sara turned her head again, and found Tegan watching her. There was a spark in her eyes; some semblance of life that she had been lacking only moments ago... but it disappeared again, making Sara frown. What had just happened? Had she almost done it? Persuaded the girl not to jump? But it's gone!
"You're only doing this to try and help the police,"
No … that's not it. Not at all …
Tegan turned away, and Sara couldn't say anything.
"You don't understand …"
But she did, and that was the problem. They knew each other, somehow; Sara understood Tegan. "I …"
Tegan swayed again. Her skin took on a slightly green hue. She looked utterly miserable and sick.
"No ... don't …" Sara whispered in horror. The lightning struck the roof just behind them, but neither of them was startled even as the sound barraged their eardrums and the roof shook slightly with the shock; it was as if they were in a world of their own.
"Goodbye Sara."
She ... knew her name.
Sara's eyes were wide as Tegan swayed forward once more, but kept on going forward. She screamed Tegan's name, dashing towards her but Tegan fell off the edge, seemingly in slow motion. Sara was already moving to catch her; she urged herself to get there in time Catch her. Catch her! She wasn't gone yet!
Tegan was out of sight. She had fallen forward... but... it wasn't too late! It couldn't be!
She screamed again. She screamed Tegan's name and dropped to her knees where the other girl had been standing. She leaned and reached over the edge; her acute Vertigo forgotten. She reached to grab onto one of Tegan's limbs. But of course ... the girl was once again meters away ... and still falling. The distance between them growing so rapidly.
Sara had been too slow.
Her heart that had only started beating again five minutes ago swelled and cracked in her chest. There were tears too. Huge droplets of salty tears cascading down her cheeks and mixing with the rain that was falling heavily now ... but even through the heavy shower, Sara and Tegan's eyes connected. One of them plummeting to her death, and the other dying slowly inside. Dying more than the state of dead she had been in for years. Like Tegan, she had been hardly living. Work was no saviour; it didn't make matters any better. She knew that now.
They really were so similar. So identical.
"… Tegan …"
She didn't understand.
Her sodden hair now plastered to her face, shoulders and neck Sara Quin was hunched on the roof, dangerously close to the edge. The soul shattering sound of the Tegan's impact with the floor one hundred and two stories below made her convulse and heave while the tears continued to fall in great pained sobs.
There were distant screams from the people below ... but soon that ceased to enter Sara's consciousness.
Her nose began to bleed.
She was in pain.
She didn't understand... but that didn't matter. She was dead now. The emptiness Tegan had spoken of, that Sara knew all too well now completely enveloped her.
Falling to the floor, Sara ceased to feel the pelting rain against her pale chilled skin; the biting cold no longer made her shiver and the lightning so very close and frequent no longer made her tremble in fear. Her Vertigo no longer made her sick.
Her green-grey eyes now dull and lifeless began to close. Her heaving chest beneath the sodden grey shirt beneath, began to still.
Her heart ceased to beat as it's cracks grew wider; blood seeping from the broken organ.
She didn't understand. Not really. But it didn't matter now. Nothing mattered. Her... soul mate... her sister … was gone.
20/05/'10