TITLE: Pulse
AUTHOR: Lisa
EMAIL: Saturn_girl19@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: M/S Angst and Romance RATING: PG
ARCHIVE: Please just let me know.
DISCLAIMER: Don't own them. Just having fun with them. Ani's song is Ani's, not mine. SUMMARY: A letter to Mulder after the events in Requium. Scully reflects on how her relationship with Mulder has changed, keeping hope that she will find him.
X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X
And I realized that night that the hall light,
which seemed so bright when you turned it on is nothing,
compared to the dawn,
which is nothing, compared to the light,
which seeps from me while you're sleeping beautiful. ~Pulse, Ani Difranco
X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X
Do you know how scared I am? Do you know how frightened? You have filled me, filled me to the brim these last seven years, with your determination, your belief, your love, and now, our child. What happens if you do not make it back, if I cannot find you? Will everything you gave me slowly trickle out like honey; tired and steady, leaving me in the end with nothing?
I came to your room that night, finally willing to revel in your comfort. Deja vu, I thought, as I hurried to your room. Hadn't I done this before? But here I was. The moment you opened the door, I could see that your face was flooded with concern. A look I was accustomed too, but unlike all the other times I didn't halfway resent it. I needed it. It was nice to know someone cared for me. And I was finally ready to accept that fact.
I told you what happened, and the concern in you stayed there. You asked if we should call a doctor, but the truth was, all I really needed was you. I proceeded to climb into your bed, an action that I couldn't see myself doing, not even five months ago, but I was doing it. I'm not ashamed anymore to admit I need your touch. I knew you and your boldness would follow me. You were never ashamed to admit that you needed me. It was always you who spoke first, spoke of how much I meant to you, the hallway, the hospital room, and many others.
You wrapped yourself around me like a cocoon, as if you could fend away my pain. You threw tiny collisions of breath into my ear, and I became so scared. You said it wasn't worth it. How could you say that, after all this? But no. You were just expressing your love for me, telling me how much more I deserved. Mulder, there is nothing more than you. I told you before and I'll tell you again, I wouldn't change a thing. If I could get back everything I lost, and not have met you, I wouldn't do it. I just wouldn't. Looking back, I know I would have just had a boring, unfulfilling, unexciting life. No passion. No substance. You give me that Mulder. You are my passion. My life.
It's true, doors have closed, and windows have shattered, and I have cried tears that have poured salt into my wounds. But I had you. And you stood by me through everything. But now you're gone. The pieces that I have become are only held together by you. I'm afraid that the puzzle that has become us will fall apart if you don't come back.
I had to find a way to tell you how I felt. I maneuvered my body to face you. I missed your hands around me, but what was to come was ten times better. I took your face in my hands, almost violent, and I whispered "It is so worth it, Mulder."And you came rushing in. And you touched my lips to your mouth, my tongue slipped in naturally, and after, you said, "Yes, it is."
Later, in the hallway, you told me you did not want to risk losing me. I took you in my arms and held you there, like my touch could shield you from the evil that lurked outside our oblivion. And I could feel your breath throw tiny wisps against my neck, through my hair, and down my spine. I could feel the life that your simple existence relays to me. I knew then. I knew. I was finally ready to give you anything. I would give you my pulse, my breath, my very being. So I gave you the closest thing.
I undid the cross from around my neck. Wordless but knowing, you ducked down in a deliberate motion, like a child, and waited, while I gave you the symbol of my faith. You stood upward, and the gold glinted and dangled under you, dancing like we were dancing then, free in the knowledge that we had finally found each other, but at the same time fumbling in the dark, but not blind to the fact that danger was sulking not far ahead.
So darkness has caught up to us again, like it has so many times before. And we have beaten it before, and discovered light again. So I must loom in the hope that we will fight our way through, and the brightness the times before is nothing, compared to the light, which seeps from me while I discover this new era of our lives.
EMAIL: Saturn_girl19@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: M/S Angst and Romance RATING: PG
ARCHIVE: Please just let me know.
DISCLAIMER: Don't own them. Just having fun with them. Ani's song is Ani's, not mine. SUMMARY: A letter to Mulder after the events in Requium. Scully reflects on how her relationship with Mulder has changed, keeping hope that she will find him.
X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X
And I realized that night that the hall light,
which seemed so bright when you turned it on is nothing,
compared to the dawn,
which is nothing, compared to the light,
which seeps from me while you're sleeping beautiful. ~Pulse, Ani Difranco
X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X
Do you know how scared I am? Do you know how frightened? You have filled me, filled me to the brim these last seven years, with your determination, your belief, your love, and now, our child. What happens if you do not make it back, if I cannot find you? Will everything you gave me slowly trickle out like honey; tired and steady, leaving me in the end with nothing?
I came to your room that night, finally willing to revel in your comfort. Deja vu, I thought, as I hurried to your room. Hadn't I done this before? But here I was. The moment you opened the door, I could see that your face was flooded with concern. A look I was accustomed too, but unlike all the other times I didn't halfway resent it. I needed it. It was nice to know someone cared for me. And I was finally ready to accept that fact.
I told you what happened, and the concern in you stayed there. You asked if we should call a doctor, but the truth was, all I really needed was you. I proceeded to climb into your bed, an action that I couldn't see myself doing, not even five months ago, but I was doing it. I'm not ashamed anymore to admit I need your touch. I knew you and your boldness would follow me. You were never ashamed to admit that you needed me. It was always you who spoke first, spoke of how much I meant to you, the hallway, the hospital room, and many others.
You wrapped yourself around me like a cocoon, as if you could fend away my pain. You threw tiny collisions of breath into my ear, and I became so scared. You said it wasn't worth it. How could you say that, after all this? But no. You were just expressing your love for me, telling me how much more I deserved. Mulder, there is nothing more than you. I told you before and I'll tell you again, I wouldn't change a thing. If I could get back everything I lost, and not have met you, I wouldn't do it. I just wouldn't. Looking back, I know I would have just had a boring, unfulfilling, unexciting life. No passion. No substance. You give me that Mulder. You are my passion. My life.
It's true, doors have closed, and windows have shattered, and I have cried tears that have poured salt into my wounds. But I had you. And you stood by me through everything. But now you're gone. The pieces that I have become are only held together by you. I'm afraid that the puzzle that has become us will fall apart if you don't come back.
I had to find a way to tell you how I felt. I maneuvered my body to face you. I missed your hands around me, but what was to come was ten times better. I took your face in my hands, almost violent, and I whispered "It is so worth it, Mulder."And you came rushing in. And you touched my lips to your mouth, my tongue slipped in naturally, and after, you said, "Yes, it is."
Later, in the hallway, you told me you did not want to risk losing me. I took you in my arms and held you there, like my touch could shield you from the evil that lurked outside our oblivion. And I could feel your breath throw tiny wisps against my neck, through my hair, and down my spine. I could feel the life that your simple existence relays to me. I knew then. I knew. I was finally ready to give you anything. I would give you my pulse, my breath, my very being. So I gave you the closest thing.
I undid the cross from around my neck. Wordless but knowing, you ducked down in a deliberate motion, like a child, and waited, while I gave you the symbol of my faith. You stood upward, and the gold glinted and dangled under you, dancing like we were dancing then, free in the knowledge that we had finally found each other, but at the same time fumbling in the dark, but not blind to the fact that danger was sulking not far ahead.
So darkness has caught up to us again, like it has so many times before. And we have beaten it before, and discovered light again. So I must loom in the hope that we will fight our way through, and the brightness the times before is nothing, compared to the light, which seeps from me while I discover this new era of our lives.