Title: Fade Away
Rating: T
Spoilers: Season 7, and specifically season 7 Finale.
Warnings: Angst, death thoughts.
A/N: This was written for the Drabble game at the Gabbyfans forum.
His skin was delicate; so much that it was hard to believe it belonged to such a harsh, rough man. It burned from the sun, the merciless Mexican sun under which he walked and rode and drove searching for the people he has learnt to care about, hoping for all that was good and true that he wouldn't find them dead. How did it ever occur to him to spend the rest of his life there? A place synonymous of death and sorrow, of sand and blood that all the water from the sea wouldn't be able to wash out?
The contrast was striking. On the outside, he was itching and burning from the heat and the excess of light. On the inside, he was as cold and dark as midnight in a cemetery, just like when Shannon and Kelly were killed. He remembered that vividly, for he had been left with nothing but the desire to disappear from this world.
He found vengeance, a ferocious flame that consumed him, but died out as soon as it served its purpose. He found justice, but it was just a neon light guiding him from afar: he still couldn't see and he still felt as cold as before. But then he met his girl, Abby. Her embrace wrapped him up like a warm blanket and her smile lit him up like a bonfire. He hadn't asked for it, but now he couldn't live without it.
She was all he could think about. As he got ready to accept the evil mission, she was the only image in his mind. Yes, he cared about his team, but they knew how to defend themselves and they knew what they were exposed to. He wanted his mentor and his family to be safe as well, but Abby was the one he really ached for. He wondered if she would be better off without him, if he should just go away forever after completing his task, one way or the other. He would fantasize about her smile, about her embrace. He would fade away dreaming she asked him to stay with him, and then fell asleep with her head on his lap, like she had done so many times before; and he kissed her lips hoping not to wake her up, like he had done so many times before, and she woke up and just smiled and kissed him back.
He knew she was suffering and carrying the weight of his guilt: something she shouldn't have to be suffering. He also knew she would take anything he would give her, any kind of love he would offer her. She didn't know she had it all, and he wouldn't let her find out. He wanted her alive and well, he wanted her happy, and if he had to pay the price for it, he was more than willing to.