GLEE CLUB ON CRACKED
Summary: Brittany submits an article to the humour site Cracked dot com and orders everyone at WMHS to comment/review. Hilarity ensues. Read on for laughs!
Rating: T
Pairing: Brittany/Santana
A/N: I know I should probs update The Hunter and The Serf first (if you aren't following that, please kindly check it out), but sadly I can't do that until Saturday. This story just begged to be written and it won't let my brain rest, which was bad since my weeklong exams are starting later on today so I just had to write this down in order to be able to focus.
Apologies in advance for any typos, grammatical errors and misuse of any expression/idioms as English is not my first language (i survive using urbandictio haha).
As always, enjoy reading and please review. Hope I'm random enough to make you laugh.
P.S. Probs a one-shot but depending on reviews (and inspiration), it might get turned into a multi-chap.
The Four Most Perfect Creatures on Planet Earth
By: Brittany S. Pierce (pronounced Britt-knee S-pears)
4. A Tie between Octopus, Squid, Scorpion, Chambered Nautilus, Spider, and any creature with more than 2 arms.
(picture of an octopus, and a squid side by side)
Why so perfect octopi (in case you didn't know, octopi is the plural of octopus)? I envy them so much since they have so many arms (8 in total, if you didn't know). I, being a land-based creature of the specie homo sapiens (I now declare everyone to be homosexual, since you usually want another homo sapiens to be your partner right? But that would be leaving out people who loved their cars so much like those I've seen in that one episode of National Geographic—they even write poems for their cars, et cetera. Anyways, I'm exempted from the label homosexual since you know, I'm an awesome bicorn). Where was I? Oh right, being a homo sapiens I am only limited to having 2 arms like you, dear reader, although I'm not too sure about that since my cat Lord Tubbington also knows how to read (he reads my diary), so some readers will have four arms. Are paws considered arms? Hang on, I'm gonna text my BFF-slash-love of my life Santana. Anyways, having two arms proves problematic especially when it comes to sexting Santana. (We'll have to survive through sexting right now since San is moving to Louisville, although she promises to visit every weekend. Yay!)
As I was saying, it becomes problematic since I didn't know you'd have to keep track of your limbs when you sext, y'know? Sometimes Santana would ask in the middle of sext (we were practising), 'But Brittz you have your hand down *censored*. I don't get it, we're just imagining, right? That way, when I have 8 arms, I could *censored* and *censored* while at the same time, *censored* and then *censored* while making out with her. Hot right?
3. Ducks!
One time my parents took me on a fancy restaurant and then they ordered Peking Duck and foie gras (thanks for the help San, I had no idea how to google that) and I started crying. How could you do that to perfectly awesome creatures like ducks?
I mean, the process of making foie gras must be the most horrifying thing on earth. Try putting yourself in the duck's shoes—or webbed feet, whatever—and imagine you were a young duckling, fuzzy and cute and yellow, fresh out of an egg, frolicking in the pond with your fellow ducklings and mama Duck. And then you were suddenly taken away from your mama and then imprisoned in a box, and then force-fed with herbs and stuff through a tube shoved down your throat so your liver would grow so large and then humans could enjoy the melt-in-your-mouth goodness of your liver. :'(
I reiterate my previous question: How could you do that to perfectly awesome creatures like ducks?
2. Cats
I love pussy cats, even the non-meowing variety. I currently own three: Lord Tubbington, Charity, and my girlfriend's (if you know what I mean). All three of them are different—oh, who was I kidding, only one of them was different—but I love them all the same.
They're adorable and sweet and extremely cuddly (clue: one of them isn't cuddly). My cat Lord Tubbington loves fondue so much. He lives for it I think—that, and Santana's Cuban cigars. I told her I'll withhold sex if she keeps sneaking him those cancer sticks from her dad's stash. Although now that I think about it, possibly some Chronic Lady too. I sometimes see Mr. Ryerson up and about the neighbourhood and I'm afraid he got my cat addicted too. I don't get why it's called Chronic Lady though—are those made from the ashes of some chronically-ill lady? Gross! Why did I think of that?
1. Unicorn
I love unicorns (they're one-horned horses in case you didn't know). My good friend Kurt Hummel and my hot girlfriend Santana Lopez are both unicorns. Maybe Blaine too, but he looks like a toddler so I don't know if he's unicorn as well. Do unicorns wear bowties? I have yet to see one.
Rhinoceroses are also unicorns, but they're like the black sheep of the specie (not family—I paid attention in Biology you know). One time I saw my friend Lauren Zizes watching videos of rhinos mauling other rhinos' children on youtube and I was so scared I ran off stayed in the janitor closet and forgot how to leave because of those toxic bleach fumes. She said she's copying their moves for her upcoming wrestling match. It's terrifying. Remind me never to google image the word 'mauling' ever again.
Anyway, unicorns are really awesome creatures—they're magic, they can fly, they poop cotton candy. I wish they'd poop Dots too. (love those! Especially the red ones!) San once gave me a box of red Dots for our first monthsary (isn't she the sweetest girlfriend? God, I love her!), and it was better than the box of pure marshmallow Lucky Charms I got from my pet leprechaun who turned out to be fake after all.
(69 comments – Post new comment)
SatanLespez: If I ever see one hateful comment, I will track you down and ends you!
FiercePresidentPierce: Aww, first comment! You're so sweet, S! You're my first everything... which reminds me, if you can say my username ten times fast, I'll totally let you top me tonight.
Puckusaurus: wow never took you 4 a bottom Santana!
LuckyCharmerLeprechaun: What's a bottom?
CourageousBlaine: Yep, I thought you'd be the more...active partner. : )
Totsexual: Haha, Satan's a pillow queen.
StripperBieber: Cedes, isn't that supposed to be SamSexual?
Totsexual: No.
BubbaShane: ShaneSexual?
Totsexual: No.
SatanLespez: Uh, Brittz, why is everyone here? *goes to find a hole to die in*
FiercePresidentPierce: I posted the link on Facebook, and by the power vested in me as President (and because of my natural awesomeness), I decreed that everyone should comment on my article.
FiercePresidentPierce: OMG! Don't die, San!
SatanLespez: I'm not Brittz. Just dying of embarrassment right now, no biggie.
RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: After reading your article Brittany, I think my brain needs to be bleached.
SatanLespez: A million lezzie jokes just popped into my head after seeing your username, I wouldn't know where to begin. You're gonna needz help from Finnocence in order to reach the top shelf, hobbit! And in the first place, you're only going to need brain bleach if your mind filled in the censored parts.
RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: Uhm, we don't keep the bleach on the top shelf, Santana, but that is beside the point.
CrippledCheerioWithBigBabyPl ans: Calm down, Berry. At least you weren't in cheer camp with them! I've had to endure them for three years!
FiercePresidentPierce: You weren't asleep?
SatanLespez: I knew it, Fabgay! You were spying on us, you pervert!
CrippledCheerioWithBigBabyPl ans: Hard not to if we're sharing a little corner room with a bunk bed and a single bed.
FiercePresidentPierce: You should've asked to join Q. That would be hot!
SatanLespez: Also, you should probably add 'crazy' to that word salad you call your username.
Puckusaurus: aaaaaah the visuals: 2 cheerios getting it on, o god, so turned on ryt now!
Azeemio: btw i hav santitneys sextape on loop britney u shouldnt hav spliced it with ur cats vid
Puckusaurus: dude, ur post makes my head hurt. learn 2 use fucking apostrophies, man!
FrankenFinn: How do you fuck apostrophies?
FrankenFinn: Sorry, Brittany moment. : P
SatanLespez: Oh no, you didn't! Q, is there any way you could justify homicide for me when you graduate from Yale?
FiercePresidentPierce: It's Brittany... bitch! And Puck, it's apostrophe.
FrankenFinn: You need something Rach?
FiercePresidentPierce: Frankenfin? Are you like the rare species of fish that only exists as a fin?
SatanLespez: Brittz, that's just Finnocence.
JewfroIsrael: You're not allowed to talk! (Editedby SatanLespez 8 minutes ago)
Porcelaine: Quinn, your username's a mouthful!
SatanLespez: I know what else is a mouthful... *evil grin*
Porcelina: Blaine's dick!
Porcelaine: I DID NOT SAY THAT!
Porcelina: if you paid the username any real attention, you'd know it was me. Btw, Tana here.
Porcelaine: ...
SatanLespez: Also, did you just imply that Blaine's dick is so tiny it wouldn't even fill your mouth? God, I feel so dirty typing that up! *reaches for a bottle of hand sanitizer*
FiercePresidentPierce: San, that remark was below the belt. Like, waaaay below the belt.
Puckusaurus: oooh, britts tugging on d leash! Ha.
SatanLespez: Sorry B. And Kurt. STFU Puck!
RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: God, I need that bleach!
PandaExpressTina: x2!
SatanLespez: GTFO Berry!
HottiePatootieCarl: I hear somebody needs bleaching?
JennaUshkowitz: Even in fanfics, Tina doesn't talk.
SatanLespez: Oh please, we let Panda express all the time! Too bad she couldn't express anything other than her agreement!
PandaExpressTina: x2!
SatanLespez: See?
JennaUshkowitz: ...
SugarRKMotta: My dad has Andrew Wyeth's Chamber Nautilus on his den. He bought it when it was auctioned off at Sotheby's.
FiercePresidentPierce: What does RK mean? Does it mean Real Kidding? 'Cuz that would be contradictory, don't you think?
StripperBieber: It's Rich Kid. If I were rich, I wouldn't have needed to strip. : (
FiercePresidentFierce: Why does it say 'Blaine's *censored*' to me?
SatanLespez: You'll have to have the 'show profanity' toggled, Brittz.
FiercePresidentPierce: Oooh, right! Thanks, S! You're totally topping me tonight. ; )
SatanLespez: Anytime, B. But please stop mentioning that.
FiercePresidentPierce: Mention what, S? That you're gonna top me tonight?
SatanLespez: *facepalm*
FiercePresidentPierce: San, your face isn't a palm. That would be gross... and weird. I like your face just fine.
CoachRozDaOlympian: FYI, Peking is another name for Beijing. I should know—I competed in the 2008 Beijing Olympics where I won this damn bronze medal for individual synchronized swimming.
SatanLespez: Brittz, this isn't what I expected when you texted me that you're gonna send me a picture of your wet pussy!
FiercePresidentPierce: But I'm washing my pussy Lord Tubbington right now. So of course, he's gonna be wet, San. What did you think? I'll send you a picture of my other wet pussy next. Y'know, Charity.
SatanLespez: Ooops! That was meant to be a text! Where's the delete button?
Totsexual: This is so fun! Satan keeps sticking her foot in her mouth!
FiercePresidentPierce: Oh, she can do that. She's reaaalllly flexible. Like the other day, San and I *censored for mature content*
As always please review!