Title: Routine Silence
Rating: PG for language
Characters: Toby
Pairings: None
Summary: His once solid relationship with his best friend is now deteriorating, and all he can do is watch and wonder where his sanity went [ One shot, Toby centric. Very short ]
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. Don't sue.
A/N: Alright, I know Toby isn't the most popular character, but I think he's cool. I really do feel for Toby because I know what it's like to lose your best friend. So this is just Toby releasing all his pent up anger in semi-psychotic ramblings. Enjoy!
[ Ashley 12-22-03 ]
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What's wrong with the water? Why isn't it hot enough?
I turn the handle all the way to the left. Steam is starting to form around me, making it a little hard to see. The water still isn't hot enough. I can feel it burning my skin, but it's just not hot enough.
I turn the water off completely and step out of the shower. The floor is so cold it starts to sting the bottoms of my feet. I don't care. I walk over to the sink and wipe the fog off the mirror. As I take in what I see, I realize that I look exactly how I feel.
How did I get so pale?
I mean, I know I haven't been out a lot lately, but I've never been this pale in my life. I look like I'm dead, and what's more, I feel like I'm dead.
It was after getting off the phone with JT that I decided to take a shower. I've never had a more awkward conversation in my life. Gone are the stupid jokes and casual chitchat. Enter the awkward silence and the many 'uh…so…'s. It's been this way ever since he started hanging out with them.
Them.
I remember when we used to see them as our enemy. They were good looking, they were popular, they were cool. And we just…weren't.
It never really bothered me as much as it bothered JT. I had always been seen as the nerd. There's some kind of unwritten rule that if you're smart and wear glasses, there is no chance of you being popular. But I didn't care. I didn't need looks and popularity to be happy. I had one best friend, and that was all I ever needed. JT, however, was a different story.
He cared a lot about his self-image. He wanted people to like him. He wanted to be cool. He wanted to have a cheerleader girlfriend. And obviously hanging out with me was not going to get him any of that. Hanging with them would, though.
Them.
I can't even think about them without anger boiling in the pit of my stomach. It's their fault I no longer have a best friend. It's their fault I'm so unhappy. It's their fault that I feel like shit.
All their fault.
Sure I have other friends, but I'm not that close to them anymore. I'm still friends with Emma, of course. That girl never ceases to amaze me. She's always doing the right thing and I've always admired her for that. There's also Kendra. We aren't going out anymore, though. She said that things weren't the same as they used to be. But she still wanted to be friends. I heard a week later that my insane babblings about JT had scared her off. On the brighter side, at least she didn't ditch me for them.
Them.
Thinking about the good times I had with JT keeps me alive, but kills me at the same time. They bring a smile to my face, but then a lump forms in my throat because I'm reminded that it will never be that way again. We'll never dress up like the guys from Miami Vice again. We'll never get in a fight about a stupid locker again. We'll never come up with a plan to see a stripper at a bachelor party again. Never.
He's too good for all of that now. JT used to be the kind of guy that would act arrogant, but know that no one took him seriously. But now, he's as arrogant as they come. He expects girls to fall to their knees when he passes them, and if they don't, they don't deserve to be anywhere near him. I guess the more you hang out with a person, the more you start to act like them.
Them.
I remember how it all started. It was a normal Tuesday afternoon. I was sitting with Kendra and her friend Nadia at our table. Our meaning mine and JT's. It used to be mine, JT's, Emma's, and Manny's, but Manny got a new boyfriend and Emma started eating with Mr. Simpson at lunch. But I digress. Kendra asked me why JT was sitting with Paige and all of her friends. All I remember thinking was 'Uh oh, JT is trying to get with Paige again. Is he not aware that her and Spinner are dating?'
I turned around to see if Spinner was beating JT to a pulp, only to find JT and Paige laughing together like they were old friends. I was confused to say the least, so I decided to call JT over. The look he gave me was one I'll never forget. It was a look that said 'I don't know you'. It was a look that said 'You embarrass me'. It was a look that said 'You're not good enough anymore'. I was crushed.
So I tried to become friends with them as well. I mean, if JT could do it, I could do it, right? In the end, it didn't work out the way I had wanted it to, but I did manage to embarrass JT in front of them. He was angry with me, but I didn't care. He deserved it.
He explained to me that he was friends with them, but he still wanted to be friends with me. It sure seems like you want to be my friend JT. I mean, ditching me at lunch and making fun of me? Best friends alright. I wonder if he makes fun of me with them.
Them.
I want them to realize that he is just as much of a dork as me. I want them to ditch him at lunch and make him sit by himself. I want them to make fun of him with each other. I want them to do to him exactly what he did to me.
I wonder if he knows how much this is killing me. I suppose not, I haven't told him. I guess it's because I'm afraid. I'm afraid he'll laugh. I'm afraid he'll think I'm stupid. And most of all, I'm afraid he'll be shocked. He'll be shocked because none of this ever crossed his mind. Like going for weeks without talking to each other is okay with him. Like talking on the phone and not knowing what to talk about is okay. Like ditching me for them is okay.
Them.
I realize now that I'm shivering. But I don't acre. All the little hairs on my arms are standing up. But I don't care. My lips are starting to turn blue. But I don't care. It doesn't matter, nothing matters. Not anymore.
I sometimes question my sanity. I've been talking to myself a lot, so much that I've started doing it in public. I started doing it in class once. I think I freaked out the kid next to me. He drew a little doodle of me in a straight jacket on his paper. He and his buddy had a good laugh. Come to think of it, so did I.
I grab the first pair of pajama pants and tee shirt from the drawer and put them on. I flip the light switch and the lightness that was once filling my room is devoured. I slip into bed and stare at the ceiling.
Tomorrow won't be another day. Tomorrow will be just like today. I never have anything to look forward to anymore. Wait, I take that back. In the morning, JT meets me at the corner and we walk to school together. And both you and I know what a luxury that is. Note sarcasm. I still don't know why he even does it. Why would he walk with me when he could walk with them.
Them.
It's not like we actually talk during our journey to school. How tired we are and how cold it is in the morning is as far as we've gotten in the conversational category. After that, the only sounds heard are passing cars and other kids walking to school together.
Laughing.
Talking.
Joking.
That sounds familiar, yet at the same time, so distant. I haven't talked or laughed or joked with JT in so long, I've just about forgotten how to do it. Maybe that's why we don't talk. Maybe he's forgotten as well. Maybe he's just as miserable as I am. Maybe being friends with them isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Them.
But somehow, I know that's just not the case. Tomorrow I'll wake up, get dressed, eat a cookie or two and head out the door. I'll meet JT at the corner and we'll both say 'hi'. He'll say 'I'm so freaking tired' and I'll say 'Yeah, me too.' Then I'll say 'Man, it's really cold' and he'll nod his head in agreement. Then we'll just walk to school. No talking, just silence. Like always.
Like a routine silence.
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Wow, angsty Toby! I would love your feedback. Any comments or suggestions are welcome.
[ Ashley, 12-22-03 ]