I haven't been in control of my emotions for three months now.

At least, it was then that I noticed it. I'd become angry and over-aggressive. Childish tears would well up in my eyes the very second frustration would hit me and it was all I could possibly do to force them back.

I looked it up on the net; apparently it's puberty.

Who would've thought that a gundam pilot, such as myself, would ever have to deal with something as mundane as hormones?

I suppose we all have to grow up eventually.

I've come to realize that it sucks.

Solo died before he could ever teach me anything of use in this world. I know nothing but God and War.

And maybe perhaps love.

I've tried to figure out what it is I feel for Heero when I look at him. But research and books don't quite cut it in the real world. It's a shame. Wouldn't everything be much easier if we could just look it up, rather then having to experience it ourselves?

I think so, anyways.

It's hard to know what you're feeling when you feel everything at once.

I think our brains just shut off the second we turn thirteen. But when I look at him...it feels like every molecule in my body took a step to the left and finally realized that gravity exists and decided to fall. And when I'm not thinking of him I'm thinking of why I'm not thinking of him.

He does this thing where he draws pictures or writes words on my skin when we're alone together. I'm not even sure if he realizes what he's doing, but at times like that, I think maybe, he loves me.

But then we enter back into society and he changes. And I would get mad at him if I could stay mad at him long enough to remember what I'm supposed to be mad about. Because he looks at me and only me, and I know it. I know it in the pit of my stomach, because if there's anything that I'm good at, it's knowing.

Little Duo Maxwell didn't get anywhere -not- knowing things.

So why the hell don't I know anything about myself? And how can I trust myself? With all this testosterone hitchhiking in my veins I'm not sure I'll ever have a pure thought again.

Not to mention that my testicles feel like a pair of lead weights and when the pressure gets to be too much I just have to let go.

I think of Heero when I touch myself.

Him biting my skin. Licking the sweat from every inch of my body. Fingers and hands and eyes and legs and then I come.

I thought of his mouth enveloping me once and when I came it felt like I'd shot off at least a third of my body-weight in semen.

It's more then maddening that he doesn't want to have sex. His reasons for it are all logical, but I'm a 15-year-old male, we're not necessarily known for our logical prowess.

I guess we can all agree that, on any account, I love his body.

So I'll continue growing, and learning, and feeling until I stop, and then it will be the end of Mr. Duo Maxwell.

Makes sense to me.