A/N: My first meta fic.

"And now I'm all alone again- "

"Éponine!" Marius rushed onto the street, waving in his hand a piece of paper. "Listen to me. Stop singing right now. This is an intervention!"

Éponine froze in glee. Thank God, her mournful song had finally caused Marius to pay attention to her! She beamed at him, but her joy was short-lived when she saw other people crowding around her, some of whom she had never met. She looked around in confusion as they congregated behind the man she loved.

"Here," he said, shoving the paper in her face. "It's a petition, signed by everyone in the story. We call it the Petition for Éponine to Shut the Hell Up. PESHU."

Éponine skimmed the paper in disbelief. Sure enough, all the characters important enough to be credited had signed the petition. She wasn't surprised to see Cosette's and her parents' signatures there, but Marius, her beloved, had signed it too? She dropped it and stared at him with a look of utter betrayal.

"An inter-wha- You wrote this? And then circulated it? Marius, how could you! You knew I was in love with you this whole time, and yet you still went behind my back just to hurt me? Why?"

"It's also a restraining order, Éponine," Marius explained, picking up the paper from the ground and pointing to a line. "See here- 'Éponine must cease and desist singing about her unrequited love for Marius Pontmercy, as well as following him around to any location whatsoever, including but not limited to parks, cathedrals, tenement buildings, prisons, and 55 Rue Plumet'."

"This is for your own good, Éponine," said Valjean, his arms on his hips. "Your relationship with Marius is obsessive and unhealthy. It's time you got your head out of your ass and realized that there are at least nine other available young men in the city of Paris."

"Jean Valjean?" Éponine asked, turning her head towards the older gentleman. "We don't even know each other! What could you possibly have against me?"

"Frankly, Éponine, you take valuable stage time away from the characters who are actually important to the story," said Javert sternly, coming up from behind her. "We can do this show without you easily. They did it in 1998."

"You wouldn't dare," Éponine challenged him. "The only reason people even come to this long-ass, depressing-as-hell show is to hear me sing my solo! Go ahead, cut me out if you want. We'll see if you still sell any tickets."

"The fact is that this story is about so much more than your lonely soul," said Enjolras impatiently. "You're like a parasite who has taken over this show and infected the minds of all the fangirls with your sickening relatability to their first-world problems. It's really time that you took a hike." Little Cosette and Bishop Myriel nodded.

"Gavroche, you're my brother," said Éponine, growing desperate. "Won't you at least stand up for me?"

"We ain't related in this, 'Ponine," said Gavroche coldly, folding his arms. "I don't consider you one of the family."

"Isn't there anyone in this entire universe who would miss me?"

"Of course not, sweetie," said Fantine, putting a hand on her shoulder sympathetically. "That's what people like you and me are for. You know, they tried to do the same thing to me, back in Act One. They almost did, until Valjean here stopped them. Didn't work with the Thénardiers either. We're favorite characters of the audience because no one within our own universe cares about us. My Cosette was loved desperately by two men and myself, so naturally all the fans hate her. All Valjean and I are trying to do is get the show back closer to its original message. Understand?"

"But who's going to show up with you to take Valjean to heaven?" Éponine asked.

"The Bishop said he'd do it," said Fantine. "He said it made a lot more sense that way."

"Fine," said Éponine, storming away. "I'll just go someplace I'm wanted. Like Glee."