They said to write your hopes, your dreams, your fears. I grabbed a pink pen with pink ink and started to write my heart on a page.

I am pretty. I am funny. I am smart. I am strong. But I'm not the prettiest, or the funniest, or the smartest or the strongest. And that tears me apart.

I've always been competitive, to an obvious point. I had to compete with my siblings for my mothers attention. With 2 siblings and eventually a boyfriend it was hard to get moms time. It was hard, because Rylie was so perfect and mom loved Zander because he was Zander. I was just the other daughter, the one who pretended she was perfect but everyone was secretly annoyed with. I was the innocent angel who was secretly the troublemaker.

I had to compete with the world for dad's attention. Being the King of the Gods must be much hard of work because I got two calls a year: Happy Birthday and Marry Christmas. Love you too dad, glad to know your thinking about your precious angel. Glad to know I'm important. Glad to know you need me.

The thing I never admit, and even have to tell myself, is that I am scared. I'm a perfectionist, but not like a crazy one. I just want to be good at everything, I want to be a winner. Life is just a competition and I find the drive to win. And I want to be the best, at something. I'm scared that even know I'm always "winning" little things, that maybe I'm really not winning the big picture.

I'm scared that people don't really like me, I can be a real bitch sometimes. It's just that I get really protective of things I love. And I get really defensive when I'm talked about behind my back. And I have the drive to be in charge and I won't let anything stop me. And I put people down but not to bring myself up. I put people down because I feel like I'm bringing them down to my level.

Like my brother Zander, who I adore. You wouldn't guess it by the way I treat him, but I look up to him so much. And I'd trust him with my life if it came down to it. And I'm quick to fire and tear him down but its all in good fun for me most of the time. When it's not, then I bring him down because I'm jealous. But I could never stand him mad at me, and I'm the first one to apologize when he's angry at me.

I'm scared I have no one to talk to. If it wasn't for my sister's Rylie and Lizzie I would go insane. And I wonder if they weren't there for me would I have anyone to vent to? If my "true friends" are really true and really there for me. I would tell people how I was feeling if they would listen, and just ask. I would wear my heart on my sleeve if anyone would care or notice. I don't think anyone would.

700 thoughts running through my head, because mom always said to trust in love. I think I may be in love. That is why I'm scared. Scared that I'm not, and scared how to tell. Scared that I don't want to fall too hard because I know I will have to watch him die one day. Scared of sex, because I'm still a virgin. And I watch Zander every day mention how good he his and how much he loves it. I admit I'm almost jealous of him, but I'm to embarressed to tell anyone that. Because he's charming and deep down so sweet and I have to try hard to act like I'm better then him when I know I'm not. I honestly believe inside Zander is a good hearted guy with conflicting intentions a bad reputation. I wish I could say that I was mostly reputation.

And I'm scared that I'm not perfect enough for Michael. He deserves the best and thats what I'm trying to be. Its not a self-confidence thing I love myself to pieces, but I just don't know if he does too. And if he does and we have sex I'm scared that I'll mess it up and be awful and he'll get mad and leave me. And then I become scared because I wonder if thats all I mean to him. And I'm scared that he likes me a lot but doesn't love me. And then I become scared that I have so many fears that are always in the deep pockets of my mind but I push them away because I'm embarrassed of my fears.

"Each day is a gift, its your job to untie the ribbon." I'm terrified that through all my fears I'm stoping myself from untieing the ribbon. Instead of opening up the opportunities in front of me, I would rather spend time fixing myself before open it just in case. Just in case I mess up the opportunity, because I'm afraid of doing something stupid in an attempt to cure a fear when really I just made it worse.

Confession 1, I don't want to be a blonde anymore. A lot of pretty girls are blonde haired and blue eyed and I don't want to be in that category. I don't want to be a Princess Blake limited edition Barbie doll. Most blondes are cute, some blondes are hot, few blondes are sexy. And maybe if I was sexier, I would be more grown up. And more mature. And me and Michael could get more serious because I want to cherish the little time we will have together. Its not guaranteed he's like "the one" but if he is: a demi-god lifespan is nothing when you're immortal. So maybe being a sexy brunette is the way to go, see if he likes it and notices. Being a blonde was too easy, pulling off brunette would be a challenge.

And confession 2, is that I'm afraid of what I'm bad at. I don't do things I know I fail at. I'm not a poor sport, I just hate to lose. So I'm afraid of having sex because I could be bad at it and embarrass myself. I guess I'll admit, public humiliation to me is not like forgetting a speech, no its losing in front of people. Not because I care the slightest what most of them think about me. Because I care if the one's I love think less of me.

So those are my fears. Messing up love because of my stupidity. Not being liked because of my personality, but people not telling me to spare my feelings. That people don't know how much I adore them, and that the feeling isn't mutual. That my heart could be worn on my sleeve and no one would take a second glance. That I'm going to be bad at something I've never tried and risk someone thinking of me less because of it. That people don't really need me.

My hope, is that I can overcome all of these. And maybe getting over fear would make me a winner. Then I could say I was the best at being Blake. But right now Blake is under construction, big time.

I hope that the beauty that is love is still possible like mom says. And that even know I am immortal there will be someone out there for me to spend forever with. Its not like I have to get married, I don't need a wedding. I just want to experience the moment when you realize you love someone. When you realize that everything is ok when your with that person. I want it to be like in the movies. I want the "I love you" to be magical. And I hope and pray that it won't be taken away a few sort years after.

My dreams are simple. I dream of love that lasts forever. I dream of hope that never dies. I dream of never being afraid of anything anymore. I dream of showing my self-confidence without being self-centered. I dream of perfection without having to be perfect. Competition without a nessisary win.

I dream of being the prettiest, the funniest, the smartest, and the strongest. But only in comparison to me. Because the only person in the long run that I ever have to make happy is myself. I don't want to have to be jealous every time Rylie does something admirable, or Zander gets another girl to fall in love with him. I just want to be perfect by the standards of me and my imperfections compared against no one.

They said to write your hopes, your dreams, your fears. With my pink pen I did, and read them through. And I decided that non of my fears, hopes, or dreams define me. Because the definition of beauty is peace in perfection. And I am perfect by my own means.