This is a fanfic dedicated to my dear Yue-chan, my beautiful chinese, my Uke... RitsuAoi
This is not a songfic, it's just something I wrote to celibrate our newfound love for each other.
Basically, I'm more alike Bakura, and she's close to a 'in real life portrate' of Ryou.
This fic is actually very close to my current life, so no flames or stupid, 'IQ fishbowl'- comments please. Her, and this fic, is something I hold very dear to my heart...
Enjoy, my love.
And the rest of you... I really hope you have a good read, and if you're clever enough, you may even figure out why I haven't been 'online' so much lately. Hugs to you all for still hanging on to me and my stories!
"'I will not die, I'll wait here for you.'"
"Can't you remember? You made a promise. And now you're laying here, trying to slice up your wrists. Now, what conclusion do you think I create of this?"
"Ryou, I'm sorry… I just…"
"You what?"
"I know there's not any 'waterproof answer' to what I've been doing to myself, but hear me out on this one, okay?" Bakura said, gently drying away the blood around his hands, wrists and arms with the nearest piece of cloth he could find, which in this case would be the blanket he used to sleep in, his face showing no emotion and his body not flinching one bit, despite the tormenting pain.
"One day I met someone amazing. That person had a smile that almost melted away all of the darkness inside of me. We exchanged scarfs, and the scent of this wonderful beeing lingered on, and when I smelled that intoxicating aroma, it made me dizzy of longing. I missed hearing that laugh, I missed the erotic way this person eated an ice-cream, ofcourse, most of it was to tease me. We were so alike, yet totally different. And when arriving home, I was alone. Again. Almost sinking deeper into my deep abyss, but the smoky, spicy scent of that wonderful and beautiful creature still lingered inside of me, and I was able to stop that negative spiral of thought, before I did something stupid to myself."
Bakura took a light break, and sighed, smiling at all the memories.
"When I wooke up later that morning, something… felt different. I wasn't totally, utterly happy, I wasn't extremely depressed, I kept jumping and settling down between those two options. And for the first time in a very long time, I actually prepared breakfast and ate it! Otherwise it would just be a cup of coffe and a smoke or two. After that, I would have exercised for half an hour or two, just having the thought of loosing weight in the back of my head, becoming beautiful and thinner."
Bakura looked down into the floor, the blood stained fuzzy carpet. Something that looked a lot like shame, showed itself in those troubled eyes, but only for a short second.
"Well… Everything was fine, it went fine… Until I droped one of my sandwitches on the floor, and with them something else."
"…I don't think I understand…" Ryou curled an eyebrow, almost worrying where his dear 'Kura would take this.
"I cursed, ate the remainings of my 'not-droped' leftovers on that little white plate and suddenly, totally changed my train of thought. I rushed over to the kitchen again, putting on that beloved coffe machine, digging through the medicine-locker, choosing a tablet, you know those that desolve when coming in contact with water…? I got that in my system and two cups of coffe, before sitting myself on that Ra damned exercise-bike, moved my muscles for about five minutes, before stoping, satisfied with my pulse increasing and my over-worked muscles acing.
I thought about going out for a smoke, but changed my mind and decided to wait a bit longer before stepping outside, outside my protective shell, my trustworthy walls."
"And the thing I said to myself before slicing into my flesh, was as complicated, but as harsh as… love sometimes would be."
"Can you guess what I whispered in that mirror, to myself, to that… disgusting thing, standing in the doorway, thinking only misery…?"
"No…" Ryou said, looking away, not wanting to see or sense that horrible feeling of complete honestly, complete rejection, not to Ryou, but to Bakura himself. How could someone hate himself so much?
"'I just want to be beautiful. And when I am, I can finally meet that wonderful person again.'"
"That person was you, Ryou." A flash of love in his eyes.
The thiefs face was much paler then usual, although almost completely blank, as a sheet of paper.
Ryous calm state of mind, went away in a flash, beeing replaced by a combined mix of sadness, anger and others alike.
"But cutting yourself isn't going to make you beautiful!"
"I know. But it helps me surviving this… annoying inner struggle I have."
Ryou wanting nothing else then to just… hit Bakura so hard in that pretty face that he would wake up and realise what stupid things he was doing. But both of them knew that it wouldn't happen, not in a long time anyways.
"And can't you just struggle against it, trying to beat it down? If it's so annoying, then why not… stop?"
Bakura suddenly got up, walk a bit unsteady when moving a few steps forward, from the blood loss. He sounded extremly frustrated, to the brink of becoming extremely angry when he spooke.
"I told you before, Ra damn it, Ryou! It doesn't work that way. You can't just slap me on the head, looking disappointed at me, and preach about how I should change it all into something better. It doesn't work that way, for fuck sake!" He shook, trying his best to not direct all his selfhate to Ryou, that sweet creature that had done nothing wrong, atleast not to him.
"This is something that has grown throughout the years, from beeing simple feelings of sadness and personal failure to utter, complete self loathing and hatred. It's easier to direct those emotions inside, then to the outside world. It doesn't give the same 'reward', if you can call it that, but it's somewhat easier to handle. I know it's hard for you to understand. But please, Ryou. As the close friend you are, try your best to support me. I'm not saying you should provide me with whatever will make my selfdestructive side deeper, but by 'supporting me' I mean accepting that I struggle to survive right now. Do what you can to stop me from dying inside. …Okey?"
"You know I'll always be there for you, 'Kura… But it's hard. It tears me open to see you feeling this way, and there's really no obvious reason for it all. I just want to hug you, and say that everything is going to be okey, now, but I know it doesn't work that way. Don't take me for a complete idiot. I-I'm trying my best…"
"I know, love. I know… And I'm truly sorry for all the suffering I've put you through. Maybe you hitting me in the back of my head, was because you didn't know how to handle it all." A light snicker.
Ryou smiled. "Yeah, maybe…" He tilted his head down a bit, feeling reliefed hearing his beloved 'Kura laugh. He sighed.
"What will become of us, dear 'Kura?"
"I don't know… Only time will tell."
"Sing that song for me, please…"
"Our song?"
"Yeah… It gives me hope of a brighter tomorrow. That someday your struggle will beat it all, wash away all your inner demons. And on the way, you may even drag down mine." Ryou hugged him, a simple act of love.
Bakura sniffed the side of Ryous neck, before uttering, smiling, satisfied. "You smell so spicy… I love it."
Ryou blushed lightly, but the smile was still attached to his beautiful lips when Bakura spooke again.
"Let's have some ice-cream after this, 'kay?"
Ryou nodded, smiled as bright as the sun, the way only he could, before softly beginning to sing.
"I will not die, I will survive…"
Bakura continued on the emotional tune.
"I feel alive when you're beside. I will not die, I'll wait here for you, in my time of dying…"
As the moved slowly to the invissible rhythm, Bakuras arms, dripping of blood, smeared itself onto the back of the thin, white fabric of Ryous shirt.
The younger one of them didn't care, this moment was… beautiful, priceless and he would do anything to experience it again before Bakura loosed it all and actually took his own life. But after this, he was almost sure that the older of the two wouldn't commit suicide.
Suddenly, pouring down outside, on plants, buildings and people, the rain came.
Bakura smirked, running outside with his beloved, cluthing a careful hand at the base of the bloodied garment.
Ryou screamed like a little girl, trying his best to shield himself from the cold water drops, him not beeing the biggest fan of this random, natural event.
Bakura jumped around screamed, hollered, and cried, trying with the little emotions he had left to try to, together with the rain, create a river that his 'inner demons' would slowly drown in.
Grabbing Ryous hands he gave him a lingering, soft kiss, slowly breaking apart, amused by the little drenched kitten, standing, sulking.
"I hate rain."
"I love it…!"