Budget Cuts
Onesmartcookie78
Summary: A very renegade Shepard needs money and the Illusive Man isn't providing. Watch as she goes about collecting it her own way.
Disclaimer: I own nothing
"Shepard I can't give you any more money. The Lazarus Project was expensive enough as is and we both know you will only spend it at the bar." The Illusive Man was being highly uncooperative with Shepard, basically telling her 'no' as politely as possible.
Hoping for the best, Shepard decided a little manipulation was in order. "So you're poor."
The Illusive Man tried to remain expressionless, but anger flickered in his eyes, lit by the dull light of his cigarette. "No, I just don't want you to-"
"So you're discriminating against me," Shepard ignored him, blundering on triumphantly at the first taste of blood like a hungry shark. "Just because I was a charity case you pulled out of space, doesn't mean I don't have feelings."
The Illusive Man sighed, recognising her tactics. "I see what you're trying to do, Shepard, and the answer is still 'no'." He ended the call abruptly, leaving Shepard pouting.
"Joker," she called out, already sure he'd been eavesdropping. "Put me on speaker."
Joker made an affirmative and informed her that she had the whole ship.
"Right," Shepard began confidently. "Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, half of you have just become superfluous. That means you're off my ship, even if it's out the airlock. In space." She paused briefly for dramatic effect, awaiting gasps of horror and the likes. "First things first though; I don't care what flag it flies, any ship that we see is now ours in terms of loot. Kasumi and Zaeed are in charge of raiding any ships we come across. Dishonesty is punishable by death.
"Lighting will be scarce to save fuel, and we will turn off life support and gravity. You can wear your space suits for all I care, but it's less costly in the long run that way.
"Any object not in your bunk will go to our new lost and found, in which you will pay to get your item back.
"As of now, Miranda will be replaced with a Barbie doll. They are silent, far more useful, and just as airheaded. Escort her off the ship immediately. Jack will also have to go, as I can find cheaper prostitutes with the same skimpy clothes and tattoos as her. Joker is fired as well and EDI will be replaced with a TI-82.
"I will not be hiring a new pilot, nor will I be flying the ship, so either one of you does it, or we will all die. I will not pay for overtime.
"Our engineering staff are sacked and if -in your leisure time- you wish to make sure our engines are running clean and we aren't having some horrendous sort of meltdown, be my guest.
"Ground crew, this one is for you; any bullets you fire that miss your target will be totalled up, and you will be required to pay for them out of your own pockets.
"Our resident chef and current janitor, Mess Sergeant Gardner, is also relieved of duty. Meals will consist of whatever a brave soldier tries to cook. Once again, you guys can clean in your spare time or have a dirty ship. I will warn you that I will be conducting an inspection every Sunday of every inch of the Normandy, and if it is not to my standards, I will, again, dock pay. The timing is a surprise, though, so be prepared as early as 0000!
"Jacob is also gone, and that's just because he's utterly useless.
"Armoured plating will be removed from any area of the ship not deemed vital, meaning everywhere but my cabin, the engines, life support and the weapons systems.
"Anyone not directly involved in flying the ship -that means you who always sit in the kitchen and barracks- is fired. No, I don't care about your families and yes, I am being a bitch.
"Thane will get into contact with his old assassin friends and we will take contracts on the side.
"Kelly is gone because we don't need a psychologist and I can check my own goddamned messages. Chawakas, we don't need you because we have medi-gel.
"Oh, I almost forgot! This vessel has just become a pleasure cruise (disclaimer: this does not allude to round-trip travel, as this is strictly a one-way, meet your maker, raid the Collectors trip) and you can be a part of it for the modest sum of 20,000 credits a room. Food will be an extra few hundred. Any who do not pay my fee will be sold to Batarian slavers or become 'unpaid interns', the translation of which is the equivalent to being my slave.
"Now any money we save will be spent on the improvement of my quarters and my bar tab, so does anyone have any questions? No? Goodbye, get off my ship, have a nice day and all those other ridiculous pleasantries. Shepard out."
She smugly made her way to her cabin, interrupted by EDI in the elevator: "Should I assume that you meant to cut off all of these 'luxuries' to everywhere but your quarters, Shepard?"
"Absolutely, EDI," the woman wore a shit-eating grin.
"Logging you out, Shepard."
The Illusive Man was not going to like this.