TITLE: Abby's really bad day
AUTHOR: Ceindreadh
EMAIL: cein@eircom.net
CATEGORY: black humor
RATING: PG-15
SPOILERS: for season 9
ARCHIVE: yes
DISCLAIMER: "ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No infringement of their copyright is intended. This story was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your own pleasure.
NOTE - to all the Abby fan's out there. I am not among your number. I loathe and despise her. I think that she is a complete waste of space and the sooner she's written off the show, the better. This is not a fic where Carter and/or Luka is going to sweep Abby off her feet and make her day turn out all right. I don't write '*by' fics. If you're looking for Carby or Luby mush, you've got the wrong author. But if you still read the fic, then don't come whinging to me about how horrible I am, and how if I don't like the character then I shouldn't write about her. I'll write about who I damn well please, and if you don't want to read my fic's, then that's *your* choice.
The sound of the DJ burst through the silence of the morning. "...and good morning to all you good people out there in the greater Chicago area. It's a beautiful winter morning...at least for those of you who don't have to go to work today. But for those sorry souls who have to brave the outside world, it's a chilly 5 degrees out there. So all you people better wrap up warmly, you hear? We'll be back with the six a.m. news after a quick word from our sponsors."
The strains of an advertising jingle succeeded where the DJ's voice had failed, and managed to rouse Abby from her stupor. She fumbled blindly for the off switch, before finally giving up and just throwing the clock radio on the floor. Unfortunately it must have landed on the volume control, because the music just got louder. Abby groaned and pulled the pillow over her head. That proved to be a mistake as she had obviously been drooling on it during the night and after the amount she had drunk, her spittle wasn't exactly the most fragrant of aromas, especially when dried in.
With a groan, Abby pushed the pillow aside and forced her eyes open. Dammit, she had to be at work in an hour and she was hung over. "Great start to the week," she muttered under her breath as she rolled out of the bed, landing on her hands and knees...and on the clock radio. "Goddammit," she yelled, rubbing her knee furiously before picking up the offending timepiece and trying to throw it away. Too late she remembered the power cord and watched in horror as it swept across her bedside table knocking her light to the floor where the bulb smashed. Her cigarettes too ended up in the growing pile of rubbish beside her bed, and worst of all, so did her opened bottle of beer...which caused it to spill all over her ciggies.
"No no no no no!!!" groaned Abby as she picked the saturated cancer sticks out of the puddle of beer. "That was my last packet!" She briefly wondered if smoking the beer soaked cigarettes would get her drunk as well as relieving her nicotine cravings, or would the added alcohol content simply cause them to burn faster. But at 6am...or rather, 6.10am, when she was due at work by 7, wasn't really the time to be experimenting with something like that. Now if only Carter had been there, then maybe she could have bummed a few cigarettes off him. But no, he had had to stay at 'Gamma's' house because he had been escorting her to a charity function the previous night. "Could have invited me," muttered Abby to herself, "But oh no, he'd rather spend time with his Gamma. Geez, can't he cut those apron strings already?"
With a sigh, Abby pushed herself up off the floor and limped over to her kitchen carrying the soaking cigarettes in her hand. "A few minutes in the oven should dry them out," she said to herself as she switched on the power.
It was rather more than a few minutes later when Abby emerged from the shower, toweling her hair dry. Frowning, she sniffed the air experimentally...there was the usual smoky smell in the air, but it was somehow different...more pungent...more...
"Shit!" yelled Abby as she ran to the kitchen, her towel flapping wildly behind her.
She pulled open the oven door, burning her fingers in the process, and was almost overcome by the cloud of smoke, which billowed out. Waving her hand through it to clear the air, Abby sadly survey the smoldering ruins of her cigarettes. "Dammit, dammit, dammit." Never one to waste an opportunity, however, she breathed in as much of the smoke as possible. Well, it was better than nothing. "The day has got to improve from here on in," she muttered to herself.
------------------
It didn't really. The El car was packed solid, and it took Abby five minutes to push her way towards an empty seat. It wasn't until she had sat down that she realized that there was a good reason that it had been left vacant even in the crowded carriage, and that was because the previous occupant obviously had some sort of bladder impairment...or else had just been mighty impatient.
------------------
Abby got off the El train, cursing under her breath. She hadn't enough time to stop and buy cigarettes before her shift started...not unless she wanted that battleaxe Weaver on her back all day. "Oh Abby, as the nurse manager you really should be setting a good example to all the other nurses by not being tardy," she said, in what she had to admit was a pretty fair imitation of Weaver's voice. "Serves her right for being dumb enough to give me the job in the first place," she muttered under her breath, unaware of the curious stares people were giving this strange woman who smelled of urine and was walking along with her head down and talking to herself.
Stopping just outside the El station, Abby rummaged in her bag. The shot of brandy that she'd taken back at her apartment to 'keep the chill out' had worn off, and knowing County General's penny pinching, she figured they still wouldn't have the boilers turned up sufficiently to warm the ER properly. "They can't expect me to work without *some* 'central heating'," she muttered as she took a quick slug of brandy. "Ahhh, that hits the spot." Replacing the bottle, she crunched on a breath mint as she resumed her course towards County General with a little bit more of a spring in her step.
The crowds along the route to County showed no signs of dispersing, and Abby felt bruised all over as she pushed her way along the pavement. On one occasion, she was even sure she felt somebody fumbling at her bag, but the crowd was so thick that it could have just been an accident.
-----------------
The rest of the journey passed uneventfully, and Abby was soon pushing her way through the doors of County General.
"Morning Abby," said Malik as he walked past her. "Gee, it must be terrible knowing that you're just starting work and have another eight hours to go. Whereas *I* am going to be spending it in bed, sound asleep."
"Screw you," muttered Abby as she made her way to the metal detectors. The sound of the alarm blaring jolted her fully awake. "What the fu...?"
"Miss, put your hands in the air and don't move," shouted a security guard who seemed to have materialized from nowhere.
"Guys, I work here...I don't carry any weapons," said Abby, rolling her eyes. "Geez, why don't you go and catch some *real* security threats." She started to move away, only for the guard to step in front of her.
"I'm sorry Ma'am, but you're not wearing an ID tag. I'm going to have to ask you to empty out your bag onto the floor...slowly."
"Uh, hello, I *work* here. C'mon, give me a break," said Abby. No way in hell was she going to empty out her bag in public...not in front of the growing group of co-workers which was watching the scene with interest.
"Sorry Ma'am, rules are rules...no exceptions. Empty the bag."
"Look, I'll see if there's anything metal in it and if there is, I'll take it out, and go through the detectors again," said Abby, as she started rummaging through her bag. Her hand closed upon an unfamiliar shape and she pulled it out, frowning. Her frown turned to a look of surprise as she found she was holding a gun. "What the hell?"
The expression on the Security Guard's face changed, as he stepped quickly back and pulled his weapon. "Okay, I'm only going to tell you this once. Put the gun down on the floor, nice and easy now, and step away from it."
"Uh hello, this isn't my gun," said Abby, waving it around. "I don't own a gun. This isn't mine."
"Ooh, possession of an unauthorized firearm, *and* probably theft of it as well," said Frank, who was watching the proceedings with interest. "I'd better get the cops down here quickly."
"I don't care who owns it, just put the damn thing down."
"Oh come on, it's probably just a toy. I bet Carter stuck it into my bag for a joke. He's always doing stuff like that. See, it's not even loaded." Abby pulled on the trigger and nearly jumped out of her skin as the gun fired. "Oops..." Those were the last words she said before the Security Guard pumped three rounds into her and she collapsed in a bloody heap on the floor.
Kerry limped quickly up to the scene and swatted the guard on the head. "You idiot, you know you're supposed to warn them three times before you shoot."
"Oops...my bad," replied the guard as he holstered his weapon.
"Well I just hope you didn't hit anything important...those metal detectors cost a fortune."
----------------------
Romano strode purposefully into Trauma one where Elizabeth was fighting a losing battle trying to save Abby's life.
"It's no use," she said finally. "She's been down for five minutes. I think we'd better call it."
"Um, shouldn't we go just a little bit longer?" asked Gallant.
Elizabeth shrugged, "I can't see her recovering from her injuries. Besides, I broke a nail doing the last lot of compressions." She looked up at the clock, "Time of death, 7..."
"Wait a minute," interrupted Romano. "I didn't come all the way down here just to watch you cart her off to the morgue."
"Robert," said Elizabeth, "She's too far gone. Even if we did manage to resuscitate her, she'd only be a vegetable." Hearing a mutter from the gaggle of observers in the corner, she glanced quickly over at them, "Okay, own up, which one of you just said 'how would anybody know the difference'?"
"Never mind that," said Romano. "I don't care what her brain is like, I just want her body."
"Join the queue," muttered Elizabeth. Out loud she said, "Really Robert, I know that you're a disgusting little troll, but I thought you'd draw the line at necrophilia."
"Oh please," said Romano with a mock shudder. "I wouldn't have touched her *that* way, even when she was alive. No, I need to practice some more surgery, and the animal rights crowd are breathing down my neck after that, ahem, incident with the pig."
"I told you that you shouldn't have had it served it up to them when they agreed to discuss the matter over dinner," commented Elizabeth dryly.
"Hey, do you know how much a good pork chop goes for?" retorted Romano. "But anyway, I need a warm body to practice on. Since I can't use animals, I figured that Nurse Lockhart would be the next best thing."
"Gee, can't argue with that," replied Elizabeth.
"Um excuse me," said Gallant.
Romano looked down his nose at him, which was pretty impressive considering that the med student towered above him. "Unless you're going to compliment my impressive surgical skills, I doubt if you have anything to say that I need to hear."
"But sir, don't you need to get consent from the next of kin before using a body for medical research?" persisted Gallant.
"He does have a point, Robert," added Elizabeth.
"Ah, but we don't need permission if the person in question has already signed a form donating their body to the hospital." Romano held out a sheet of paper. "You know, people really should read their employment contracts more thoroughly before they sign them."
"You mean that if any of us die, then the hospital gets our bodies?" asked Gallant, a look of horror on his face.
Romano eyed him up and down, an evil gleam in his eye. "Yes, if you die in the hospital that is. Hmm...you know...I'd start taking better care of myself if I were you. You're starting to look a little peaky." Abruptly switching his attention back to Elizabeth, he commented, "Oh don't look so surprised Lizzie, why do you think that Mark insisted on staying in Hawaii rather than come back and die in County like he was supposed to. I don't know with some people...they have a secure job for years, and you'd think that the least they could do would be to let us cut them up when they're dead. But anyway, lets get this one upstairs while she's still viable. Can't let a good...okay, a mediocre body go to waste."
As he turned to go, Romano's left hand accidentally brushed across Elizabeth's bottom.
"Robert!" she shrieked indignantly.
"Oops, sorry...evil hand," commented Romano as he headed out the door.
--------------------
"Oh well," said Kerry when she heard the news about Abby. "At least the metal detector survived...and that's one less nurse to pay this month."
"I've even better news," commented Frank. "You know that bullet that Abby fired by accident? Apparently it ricocheted off a whole bunch of places before it hit Pratt. Killed him instantly."
"Whoo hoo!" cheered Kerry, throwing her chart in the air. "Two for the price of one. This calls for a celebration...Frank, order in pizza's for everybody."
------------------------
The end
AUTHOR: Ceindreadh
EMAIL: cein@eircom.net
CATEGORY: black humor
RATING: PG-15
SPOILERS: for season 9
ARCHIVE: yes
DISCLAIMER: "ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No infringement of their copyright is intended. This story was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your own pleasure.
NOTE - to all the Abby fan's out there. I am not among your number. I loathe and despise her. I think that she is a complete waste of space and the sooner she's written off the show, the better. This is not a fic where Carter and/or Luka is going to sweep Abby off her feet and make her day turn out all right. I don't write '*by' fics. If you're looking for Carby or Luby mush, you've got the wrong author. But if you still read the fic, then don't come whinging to me about how horrible I am, and how if I don't like the character then I shouldn't write about her. I'll write about who I damn well please, and if you don't want to read my fic's, then that's *your* choice.
The sound of the DJ burst through the silence of the morning. "...and good morning to all you good people out there in the greater Chicago area. It's a beautiful winter morning...at least for those of you who don't have to go to work today. But for those sorry souls who have to brave the outside world, it's a chilly 5 degrees out there. So all you people better wrap up warmly, you hear? We'll be back with the six a.m. news after a quick word from our sponsors."
The strains of an advertising jingle succeeded where the DJ's voice had failed, and managed to rouse Abby from her stupor. She fumbled blindly for the off switch, before finally giving up and just throwing the clock radio on the floor. Unfortunately it must have landed on the volume control, because the music just got louder. Abby groaned and pulled the pillow over her head. That proved to be a mistake as she had obviously been drooling on it during the night and after the amount she had drunk, her spittle wasn't exactly the most fragrant of aromas, especially when dried in.
With a groan, Abby pushed the pillow aside and forced her eyes open. Dammit, she had to be at work in an hour and she was hung over. "Great start to the week," she muttered under her breath as she rolled out of the bed, landing on her hands and knees...and on the clock radio. "Goddammit," she yelled, rubbing her knee furiously before picking up the offending timepiece and trying to throw it away. Too late she remembered the power cord and watched in horror as it swept across her bedside table knocking her light to the floor where the bulb smashed. Her cigarettes too ended up in the growing pile of rubbish beside her bed, and worst of all, so did her opened bottle of beer...which caused it to spill all over her ciggies.
"No no no no no!!!" groaned Abby as she picked the saturated cancer sticks out of the puddle of beer. "That was my last packet!" She briefly wondered if smoking the beer soaked cigarettes would get her drunk as well as relieving her nicotine cravings, or would the added alcohol content simply cause them to burn faster. But at 6am...or rather, 6.10am, when she was due at work by 7, wasn't really the time to be experimenting with something like that. Now if only Carter had been there, then maybe she could have bummed a few cigarettes off him. But no, he had had to stay at 'Gamma's' house because he had been escorting her to a charity function the previous night. "Could have invited me," muttered Abby to herself, "But oh no, he'd rather spend time with his Gamma. Geez, can't he cut those apron strings already?"
With a sigh, Abby pushed herself up off the floor and limped over to her kitchen carrying the soaking cigarettes in her hand. "A few minutes in the oven should dry them out," she said to herself as she switched on the power.
It was rather more than a few minutes later when Abby emerged from the shower, toweling her hair dry. Frowning, she sniffed the air experimentally...there was the usual smoky smell in the air, but it was somehow different...more pungent...more...
"Shit!" yelled Abby as she ran to the kitchen, her towel flapping wildly behind her.
She pulled open the oven door, burning her fingers in the process, and was almost overcome by the cloud of smoke, which billowed out. Waving her hand through it to clear the air, Abby sadly survey the smoldering ruins of her cigarettes. "Dammit, dammit, dammit." Never one to waste an opportunity, however, she breathed in as much of the smoke as possible. Well, it was better than nothing. "The day has got to improve from here on in," she muttered to herself.
------------------
It didn't really. The El car was packed solid, and it took Abby five minutes to push her way towards an empty seat. It wasn't until she had sat down that she realized that there was a good reason that it had been left vacant even in the crowded carriage, and that was because the previous occupant obviously had some sort of bladder impairment...or else had just been mighty impatient.
------------------
Abby got off the El train, cursing under her breath. She hadn't enough time to stop and buy cigarettes before her shift started...not unless she wanted that battleaxe Weaver on her back all day. "Oh Abby, as the nurse manager you really should be setting a good example to all the other nurses by not being tardy," she said, in what she had to admit was a pretty fair imitation of Weaver's voice. "Serves her right for being dumb enough to give me the job in the first place," she muttered under her breath, unaware of the curious stares people were giving this strange woman who smelled of urine and was walking along with her head down and talking to herself.
Stopping just outside the El station, Abby rummaged in her bag. The shot of brandy that she'd taken back at her apartment to 'keep the chill out' had worn off, and knowing County General's penny pinching, she figured they still wouldn't have the boilers turned up sufficiently to warm the ER properly. "They can't expect me to work without *some* 'central heating'," she muttered as she took a quick slug of brandy. "Ahhh, that hits the spot." Replacing the bottle, she crunched on a breath mint as she resumed her course towards County General with a little bit more of a spring in her step.
The crowds along the route to County showed no signs of dispersing, and Abby felt bruised all over as she pushed her way along the pavement. On one occasion, she was even sure she felt somebody fumbling at her bag, but the crowd was so thick that it could have just been an accident.
-----------------
The rest of the journey passed uneventfully, and Abby was soon pushing her way through the doors of County General.
"Morning Abby," said Malik as he walked past her. "Gee, it must be terrible knowing that you're just starting work and have another eight hours to go. Whereas *I* am going to be spending it in bed, sound asleep."
"Screw you," muttered Abby as she made her way to the metal detectors. The sound of the alarm blaring jolted her fully awake. "What the fu...?"
"Miss, put your hands in the air and don't move," shouted a security guard who seemed to have materialized from nowhere.
"Guys, I work here...I don't carry any weapons," said Abby, rolling her eyes. "Geez, why don't you go and catch some *real* security threats." She started to move away, only for the guard to step in front of her.
"I'm sorry Ma'am, but you're not wearing an ID tag. I'm going to have to ask you to empty out your bag onto the floor...slowly."
"Uh, hello, I *work* here. C'mon, give me a break," said Abby. No way in hell was she going to empty out her bag in public...not in front of the growing group of co-workers which was watching the scene with interest.
"Sorry Ma'am, rules are rules...no exceptions. Empty the bag."
"Look, I'll see if there's anything metal in it and if there is, I'll take it out, and go through the detectors again," said Abby, as she started rummaging through her bag. Her hand closed upon an unfamiliar shape and she pulled it out, frowning. Her frown turned to a look of surprise as she found she was holding a gun. "What the hell?"
The expression on the Security Guard's face changed, as he stepped quickly back and pulled his weapon. "Okay, I'm only going to tell you this once. Put the gun down on the floor, nice and easy now, and step away from it."
"Uh hello, this isn't my gun," said Abby, waving it around. "I don't own a gun. This isn't mine."
"Ooh, possession of an unauthorized firearm, *and* probably theft of it as well," said Frank, who was watching the proceedings with interest. "I'd better get the cops down here quickly."
"I don't care who owns it, just put the damn thing down."
"Oh come on, it's probably just a toy. I bet Carter stuck it into my bag for a joke. He's always doing stuff like that. See, it's not even loaded." Abby pulled on the trigger and nearly jumped out of her skin as the gun fired. "Oops..." Those were the last words she said before the Security Guard pumped three rounds into her and she collapsed in a bloody heap on the floor.
Kerry limped quickly up to the scene and swatted the guard on the head. "You idiot, you know you're supposed to warn them three times before you shoot."
"Oops...my bad," replied the guard as he holstered his weapon.
"Well I just hope you didn't hit anything important...those metal detectors cost a fortune."
----------------------
Romano strode purposefully into Trauma one where Elizabeth was fighting a losing battle trying to save Abby's life.
"It's no use," she said finally. "She's been down for five minutes. I think we'd better call it."
"Um, shouldn't we go just a little bit longer?" asked Gallant.
Elizabeth shrugged, "I can't see her recovering from her injuries. Besides, I broke a nail doing the last lot of compressions." She looked up at the clock, "Time of death, 7..."
"Wait a minute," interrupted Romano. "I didn't come all the way down here just to watch you cart her off to the morgue."
"Robert," said Elizabeth, "She's too far gone. Even if we did manage to resuscitate her, she'd only be a vegetable." Hearing a mutter from the gaggle of observers in the corner, she glanced quickly over at them, "Okay, own up, which one of you just said 'how would anybody know the difference'?"
"Never mind that," said Romano. "I don't care what her brain is like, I just want her body."
"Join the queue," muttered Elizabeth. Out loud she said, "Really Robert, I know that you're a disgusting little troll, but I thought you'd draw the line at necrophilia."
"Oh please," said Romano with a mock shudder. "I wouldn't have touched her *that* way, even when she was alive. No, I need to practice some more surgery, and the animal rights crowd are breathing down my neck after that, ahem, incident with the pig."
"I told you that you shouldn't have had it served it up to them when they agreed to discuss the matter over dinner," commented Elizabeth dryly.
"Hey, do you know how much a good pork chop goes for?" retorted Romano. "But anyway, I need a warm body to practice on. Since I can't use animals, I figured that Nurse Lockhart would be the next best thing."
"Gee, can't argue with that," replied Elizabeth.
"Um excuse me," said Gallant.
Romano looked down his nose at him, which was pretty impressive considering that the med student towered above him. "Unless you're going to compliment my impressive surgical skills, I doubt if you have anything to say that I need to hear."
"But sir, don't you need to get consent from the next of kin before using a body for medical research?" persisted Gallant.
"He does have a point, Robert," added Elizabeth.
"Ah, but we don't need permission if the person in question has already signed a form donating their body to the hospital." Romano held out a sheet of paper. "You know, people really should read their employment contracts more thoroughly before they sign them."
"You mean that if any of us die, then the hospital gets our bodies?" asked Gallant, a look of horror on his face.
Romano eyed him up and down, an evil gleam in his eye. "Yes, if you die in the hospital that is. Hmm...you know...I'd start taking better care of myself if I were you. You're starting to look a little peaky." Abruptly switching his attention back to Elizabeth, he commented, "Oh don't look so surprised Lizzie, why do you think that Mark insisted on staying in Hawaii rather than come back and die in County like he was supposed to. I don't know with some people...they have a secure job for years, and you'd think that the least they could do would be to let us cut them up when they're dead. But anyway, lets get this one upstairs while she's still viable. Can't let a good...okay, a mediocre body go to waste."
As he turned to go, Romano's left hand accidentally brushed across Elizabeth's bottom.
"Robert!" she shrieked indignantly.
"Oops, sorry...evil hand," commented Romano as he headed out the door.
--------------------
"Oh well," said Kerry when she heard the news about Abby. "At least the metal detector survived...and that's one less nurse to pay this month."
"I've even better news," commented Frank. "You know that bullet that Abby fired by accident? Apparently it ricocheted off a whole bunch of places before it hit Pratt. Killed him instantly."
"Whoo hoo!" cheered Kerry, throwing her chart in the air. "Two for the price of one. This calls for a celebration...Frank, order in pizza's for everybody."
------------------------
The end