DISCLAIMER: I do not own Hellsing. I simply own myself and yes, I did put myself in the Hellsing-verse.

...

Alucard sighed as he stared at the girl sitting audaciously on his lap. It was hard to remember the last time a woman sat on his lap, but he was certain that he had to use some form of persuasion. However, this innocent imp needed no persuasion, in fact, she need not even be asked. He shared with himself a light chuckle at yet another oxymoron he had called her.

"What's so funny, Mr. Boogeyman?" she asked curiously.

She had taken to calling him that, much like Anderson had before he passed. Surprisingly, she was the only one who could get away with calling him that. He looked at her as she tilted her head. She reminded him so much of a cat at that moment.

"You know 'curiosity killed the cat,'" he stated.

"Yes, but 'satisfaction brought it back,'" she countered.

"No wonder you're still here," he moaned as he delighted in another light chuckle.

"You make it sound as though you don't want me here," she said, feigning being hurt by his words.

"What I want is of no consequence," he answered, "you're here because that is what my Master desires."

The girl grasped his shoulders as he adjusted himself to a more comfortable position. It was midmorning, and he craved sleep. Someone must have been showing up at the manor today because he wasn't sleeping in his coffin.

"Sleep tight," she stated, kissing his forehead, "Mr. Boogeyman."

He grunted as she crawled off his lap. He knew that she intended to hide away in her room to avoid their incoming guests. It wasn't a bad idea since it wasn't going to be like when the Valentine brothers attacked. However, allowing the Iscariot to know that she lived within the manor would be foolish, even on her behalf.

He chuckled as the fact that she had been catching his tell-tale signs even better than Seras or Integra. She was very astute, especially for someone her age. Had he been losing his touch?

She had been living here for a while now, ever since he stood at the top of the stairs in Integra's lingerie. Integra had followed the little monster's advice and burned the set. He was severely punished for his insolence, and somehow, he felt the girl seeing him like that was punishment enough.

He would never admit it to anyone, but she had been able to keep him entertained when he didn't have any missions. She was somehow growing on him. It amused him to no end how she denied that he knew her tell-tale quirks. She never considered herself mysterious,but she could get worked up if she was called predictable.

One eye popped open as he sensed a young Judas priest wandering the halls. With a growl, he stood up and headed up to the little imp's room. He wasn't about to let some young upstart be with what he considered his.

He walked into her room to see her drawing as usual. She stared up at him with mild alarm, but said nothing. She waited as he crawled onto her bed and got comfortable before running her fingers through his hair. It was one of the few things that could keep him at a mild temperament. She knew he hated being dragged from his resting place during the day, especially when it didn't involve Integra.

"Don't worry, Mr. Boogeyman," she chirped, "no one would be foolish enough to come here."

Just as she said that, a young priest's head popped in. He stared at them like a deer caught in the headlights. Alucard glared at him while peeking over her lap.

"Well," she sighed, "I stand corrected."

"Are you..." he asked barely above a whisper, "the rumored Ms. Portal to be living here?"

"What does she look like to you?" Alucard huffed.

"Choose your words wisely, boy," she interjected, "this big bad wolf does not 'huff and puff' in vain."

Alucard smirked at her use of reference. She was good at that, which helped her in gaining his respect. It wasn't often to find a girl as interested in mythology as she was.

"You are," the boy cried out, running in excitedly.

"Hello," Ms. Portal said in an awkward manner.

"Where do you plan on going with Hellsing vs. ALIENS?" he asked, "I know I shouldn't be so interested but it's my guilty pleasure."

"It's always nice to meet a fan, but I don't give away secrets," she replied.

"Please," the priest pleaded.

"Don't you start begging," she warned, "I doubt Alucard's against disciplining you."

"I'm not," Alucard replied with a toothy grin, receiving a squeak from the priest.

"You'll just have to wait like everyone else," she cooed.

"Yes ma'am," the priest sighed.

"You don't plan on informing the Iscariot of her presence here, do you?" Alucard asked, already knowing the answer.

"I have to, I'm afraid," he replied, "I was told to confirm whether or not you were residing here."

"Tell me," she said, "why am I so important?"

At this, the young priest shrugged before running off. Alucard was about to give chase until "Ms. Portal" had him lie back down. She stated that chasing him would be a moot point, which was true. So, he hunkered down and waited for sleep to take him. Curiosity grabbed him when she giggled over something.

"What?" he growled.

"Oh nothing, I just guess that I'll find out now," she replied.

"What?" he implored.

"Whether or not you snore," she answered.

At this, he used his elbows for leverage as he asked, "Why are you curios about whether or not I snore?"

"I don't know," she responded, "just am."

"Well," he stated, lying back down, "one would think you got your answer when reading Bram Stoker's book."

"Well, he can't very well have you snore in the book," she countered, "that would make you less intimidating!"

"Really?" he teased.

"Yes," she exclaimed.

If she was going to keep him up with such nonsense, then he was going to have to take action. He sat up and gazed into her eyes deeply. He grinned as she showed the desired effects he was looking for.

"That's not fair," she mumbled, "you're using your... vampire..."

He smiled as she fell asleep, knowing that he'll get some rest now. He rearranged her so that she would be more comfortable. After that, he reclined and drifted off himself.

He awoke to a pillow hitting his head and Integra screaming about the priest finding Ms. Portal. He simply stared at her through heavy lidded eyes. She might have been an old woman now, but she was still just as fiery as ever.

"What do you have to say?" she demanded.

"That new butler isn't doing his job," he stated, reclining again.

"So, you have no qualms about the fact that they know she's here?" Integra questioned.

"Why should I care about whether or not the Iscariot are debating on if they should kill her?" Alucard replied.

"Does it nothing to you that she admires you?" Integra wondered aloud.

"She admires me because I don't care about such trivialities," he answered, "just because they are debating over it doesn't mean anything, it is when they make a decision that there might be room for concern."

"I'd rather they not be able to debate to begin with," Integra spat.

Alucard chuckled, "You didn't used to worry so much."

Integra sighed, "No, I also didn't have a youth that I promised to keep safe living here."

Alucard could barely keep up with the conversation anymore. He was still dog tired and those few minutes were doing nothing for him. It was barely registered to him when Integra took her leave. He was out like a light shortly after the door clicked shut.

As dusk settled in, he was woken by the smell of blood. The imp was sitting on his belly and holding a blood pack dangerously close to his face. Alucard could hear the butler saying that she was asking for trouble, which she was but she already knew that.

She squealed in delight as he snapped at the pack. The butler, however, had practically wet himself at the sight of Alucard's teeth puncturing the bag. He was definitely not Walter, that was for sure. Alucard swallowed the blood that seeped past his jaws. She held the other end up so that the blood would flow more easily into his mouth.

"Hm," the butler grunted.

"What," the little minx asked, running her fingers through Alucard's hair.

"Looking at it from here, it seems almost... intimate," he replied.

Alucard looked over toward the butler as he swallowed the last bit of the blood. He glared at the pest causing him to run in terror. Ms. Portal giggled on top of him, which created unwanted reactions. He grunted as he lifted up his hips. He was mildly shocked as she grunted while falling on top of him. He was alarmed and moderately amused when her breasts were smothering him.

"Alucard," she whined.

"I can't help it if you're top heavy," Alucard stated, though it was muffled by her chest.

"You did it on purpose," she huffed.

"Did I now?" he asked.

"Stop, you're not helping," she yelled.

Alucard's hands would get in her hands way as she tried to push herself off. She could feel his grin widen as she continued to fumble. She growled in frustration as he finally grabbed her waist and hoisted her off.

"Well, that's one way to get to second base," he teased.

A bullet suddenly went through his head as he heard Integra growl, "Bloody git can't ever keep his hands to himself."

Portal toppled onto him as he mumbled a half-hearted, "Ow."

"Integra," Portal whined, struggling to get off him again.

...

Alucard: :)

Snape: Cheeky bastard.

Alucard & SP: Don't you know it.

SP smacks Alucard, who is still smirking.

Snape: I take it I am to be tortured next.

SP: Yes, I'll try to be gentle.

Snape *grunts*