"What do you mean it's terminal?" I asked, my voice neither wavering nor breaking as the life changing bombshell was dropped upon me. I barely seemed to register the words that had just been said to me a moment before as my own words slipped out of my mouth. I'd not even processed it before I spoke. It was an automatic response, spilling out before I'd even realised what I'd done.
The Doctor's words seemed to lap around me after they had crushed me under their weight. I saw the Doctor's lips moving in front of me, felt a hand on my shoulder but I wasn't all there. I'd been drawn into my thoughts, trying to come to terms with what I'd been told. I'd been locked in my mind with only one thought bouncing around my brain. It was terminal.
With the worlds current situation, I was futilely hoping against hope. With the angels cast from heaven not even they could help me. I was trapped, with little option but to struggle on and just hope for the best against all odds. Hope that I'd somehow be okay. Hope that maybe I'd pull through. Just hoping that somehow everything would be okay.
"If you'd like I could arrange for another appointment so you can bring somebody else along. That way we can assure that all the treatment details are passed on correctly."
The Doctors voice was kind as he spoke but the words just skimmed over me. My vacant, icy eyes stared at him. My words jammed in my throat as the word continued to ricochet around my mind. Terminal. The word which drained all the hope from soul.
"That would be good." I whispered, my eyes flickering away as I wrung my hands out in my lap. I began to push myself onto my feet though - unlike when I came in - they were trembling. The doctor placed his hand on my lower back, guiding me to the door. I tried my best to paint a false demeanor, wanting to appear to the world like everything was fine. Only it wasn't the case. My heart had shattered and I was fighting back tears. There was nothing I could do. I just had to enjoy what little time I had left.
I walked out of the room on shaky legs. My head was swimming. I just seemed to stare off at the white walls around me, barely even noticing the figure than now loomed over me. Dean's hands were shoved into his pockets as he approached me, a nervous smile etched upon his face. I briefly glanced at his apple green eyes, seeing a shimmer of hope in them. How on earth could I tell him and see the last gleam of hope fade away? We'd been so confident that this had been something curable. That it was only minor illness.
"So. What is it?" He asked me, his voice laced with worry as he tried to ease an answer out of me. He'd known of all the possibilities and he'd helped me remain strong over the last month or so. Only now the task was seemingly impossible.
At his words my lip quivered and I pulled myself into him, hiding my face in the crook of his neck as my arms wrapped around him tightly around him.
Arms embraced me tightly, tracing small circles on my back that would have soothed me in any other situation.
Bony fingers grasped onto his shoulders, trying to find some sort of anchor to hold me down both physically and emotionally. As he held me tightly against him, my body violently trembled, threatening to give way at any moment.
"Carrie?" He asked gently, slightly catching me off guard. I shook my head, refusing to look Dean Winchester in the eyes. As well as that, I didn't want to let him go. I was now fearful that every moment could be my last.
When I didn't respond, Dean wrapped his arms even tighter around my waist, now just holding me tightly against him. I knew that I didn't have to say anything to him for him to know of the situation. To Dean my actions said it all. He whispered gently in my ear, telling me that somehow everything would be okay. His words made it harder to hold back the tears as I could detect the smallest trace of sadness in his voice that he was trying so hard to disguise.
I don't know how long we stood in the waiting room like that, with Dean and I clinging so tightly to one another as if we were afraid the other would simply disappear if we were to let go. I enjoyed his warmth and it brought tears to my eyes as I knew our days together were numbered. Every second now counted more than ever and I didn't want to let go.
Dean's grip eventually loosened and he allowed me to slip back onto my feet rather than my tiptoes. Teary blue eyes looked up at him and he just shook his head before gently pressing a kiss to my hairline. His lips lingered for a moment and I could both hear and feel his shaky breath as he tried to pull himself together for my sake. When he looked at me, the hope had emptied from his eyes and he seemed unsure of what to say.
"We better get you home." He finally spoke in a soft voice. His voice betrayed his broken heart though as his expression had worked so hard to mask his pain. I knew that he wasn't going to cry. At least he wasn't in front of me.
I walked forwards on stiff legs, barely able to feel the ground beneath me anymore. I felt numb and my heart ached knowing that my closest friend was trying to hold it all together because of me. The pain in his eyes had said it all. His hand gingerly rested on my back, almost as if he was now afraid that he'd break me like I was a porcelain doll - too fragile to be handled with anything but the utmost care.
As we rounded a corner, my eyes remained glued on the floor, watching as each white tile slowly glided past me. I felt the presence of the figure in front of me and I gulped, knowing that I couldn't break another heart. A small part of them was dying with me. It almost made me feel guilty even though I'd not intentionally set out to shatter their hearts.
I stopped beside Dean, nervously wringing out my hands in front of me. My throat seemed dry and I was unable to force out any words. I swallowed my courage and looked up, desperate brown eyes staring at me which were anxious to hear the news. I couldn't force any words out but he didn't say a word, indicating that my strained smile must have said it all.
"I'll meet you at the car." Sam said, gulping as his eyes nervously flickered over me. I looked at Dean who held a solemn expression as he merely gave his brother a nod. I hated this. All of it. Both my illness and the way that it was killing the Winchester's and not only myself - and this was only the beginning. It would all get worse and I couldn't stand the thought of crushing the two people who I cared most about in the world. Their worry over the last few months had been bad enough and I just knew that this would push them to their breaking point, if not over the edge.
As Sam left Dean and I alone in the corridor, I hung my head in shame. I didn't know how I could face the coming months.
As my pale and shaking hand hung by my side, I felt his beside my own. He pushed his palm into my own before I allowed him to gently slip his fingers between mine. I clasped onto his hand tightly, hoping that he could free me from this pain and uncertainty. I knew that it was unfair to saddle Dean with this burden but he made me want to go down fighting, if I was to go down at all. Silently Dean started walking again, clearly heading back to the Impala.
The ride home had been silent as I'd not even dared to look at either of the brothers. I could sense that they were trying to come to terms with this, much like I was, but it was internally ripping them apart. In the end, they'd be the ones left here to cope with the aftermath. I'd been with them for years and none of us though it would all come to an end like this. We always thought we'd meet a violent and bloody death at the end of a gun or knife.
Instead my own body had turned against me. I was supposed to go down swinging someday but I knew deep down that it was no longer an option. I'd wither away, feel the pain of slowly dying and drain the life of those I loved. It would no longer be quick and painless. I was now doomed to die a slow and painful death.
Now that we were back in the bunker, I lay in Dean's bed, tightly enveloped by the sheets. They wrapped around me, providing more comfort than warmth. I stared at the wall, just trying to get my head around everything. I knew of the foreboding, inevitable pain that hung over me like a thick, black cloud. I didn't know whether I'd fight it. I didn't know whether I'd get to see my angel again for one last time.
The thoughts of death scared me. With the doors of heaven closed I didn't know what would become of me. I didn't want to die but before I'd known that heaven awaited. Now it was a boys needed me now more than ever but I was threatening to let them down and in a way that broke my heart more than anything. For a moment I realised that I was more afraid of losing the boys than my life. They had grown to be the essence of my life and give me a purpose to keep fighting.
After what felt like forever, the door to Dean's room creaked open. I lifted my head from the pillow, my eyes settling on the dark figure in the doorway. Dean's eyes were cast on me as his right hand rested on the doorway. For a moment I didn't think that he realised I was awake. He remained in silence, motionless by the door.
"Dean." I whispered, my voice soft. I pushed myself up slightly, allowing him to see that i was in fact awake. "I can go back to my own room if you want."
"Carrie don't be silly." He sighed, slowly moving towards the bed now. I watched him in silence, my blue orbs fixed upon him. Guilt overwhelmed me as I realised that he could do with privacy right now but I'd just invited myself into his room and crawled into his bed.
He sighed lightly as he perched on the edge of his bed. He sat with his back to me momentarily, his shoulders hunched. Silence settled over us once again and I just let my eyes wander over his back.
"Dean." I whispered as I heard a soft sniffle. Dean shook his head, refusing to answer me.
I pushed myself up now, pulling my legs out from beneath the sheets. I slowly moved over to Dean and gently wrapped my arms around him, my arms crossing over his stomach. I rested my head gently between his shoulder blades before closing my own eyes to prevent tears from falling.
I felt Dean's body lightly tremble beneath my own. Slowly his hands took mine as he fought to regain control. I felt useless at this moment in time and consumed with guilt knowing that I had indirectly caused this pain and that it would only get worse. Nothing that I said could make this situation better for him. My heart was shattering and my mind fought for a solution to the problem. Only there wasn't one. I could either stay and comfort my friend, thus allowing him to see my deteriorating state - or I could walk out and leave this life behind me. One way or another I was going to have to leave the Winchester's at some point. I had to just somehow figure out which method would be the least painful for them. I owed them that much after everything we'd been through together. If I could shelter them from this harsh life just one more time, I'd do it.
"Carrie?" Dean finally spoke, his voice fairly stable. If I'd not have known that he was crying I never would have guessed. I kept my eyes closed and gave him a soft hum in response. My fingers curled around his hands tighter, holding them securely in my own. "I'm sorry alright."
At his words, my eyes snapped open. I slipped my hand gently from his and detached my arms. I sighed gently before wrapping my arms around his neck and resting my head by his.
"Dean, you have nothing to apologise for." I whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. As I pulled away he swiveled his head around so that he could see me. Slowly he detached my arms now, allowing himself to turn around and face me. I tucked my legs underneath myself, giving Dean my full attention.
He turned around too, his feet still dangling over the edge of the bed. I looked over him, noticing the few red blotchy patches on his face. The tears had dried up now although it was evident that they had fallen. He forced a small smile onto his face as his eyes eventually met my own.
"I just never thought this would happen to us." He whispered, resting his hand on top of my own. I smiled weakly at Dean, barely able to contain my own tears.
"None of us did." I whispered, not actually sure of what to say. My comment ended the conversation though, showing that neither of us actually did. It had been a hard day and all I wanted to do was sleep. My brain was trying to convince itself that this was all a bad dream and somehow I'd wake up in the morning with everything being alright. My life fairly normal again.
"Dean." I spoke again eventually, instantly causing his head to snap up again.
"Yes?" He asked me gently. I'd watched him carefully think of his words. I knew exactly what he was going to say but he'd changed his words, careful to not disturb the situation that had been dealt to us.
"Do you mind if I sleep in here with you tonight?" I asked nervously, forcing my eyes to meet his. I knew that he could probably do with some alone time after today's bombshell but I really didn't want to be alone. I just wanted to cuddle up for him in an attempt to momentarily shield myself from the news; to give my day a small sense of normality.
"Of course not." Dean whispered to me, a small smile gracing his face. "Move over then, squirt."
I couldn't help but smile myself as I scooted over, allowing Dean to lay on his side of the bed. He lent back against his pillows, allowing them to prop him up slightly. He extended his right arm, inviting me to lay with him. I didn't need to be told. I took the quilt and pulled it over us as I snuggled up next to Dean. I rested my head on his chest and wrapped my right arm around him. My other arm wrapped around myself as Dean's arm held me close to him. His left hand gently grazed my fingers before resting on my arms and drawing soothing patterns. For a few minutes I listened to his heart thumping in his chest and it slowly began to lull me to sleep.
Before I could fall asleep Dean pressed his lips to my head, allowing a kiss to be lost in my hair, A small smile made its way to my face. A sense of calmness washed over me and for a moment I could escape. This one small moment was perfect. My thumb began to trace small circles on Dean's skin as my eyes began to close.
"Carrie?" Dean whispered. I felt him shift slightly and his eyes on me. He was checking to see if I had fallen asleep.
"Yes?" I mumbled, not bothering to move as my eyes slowly closed. "I promise you that we'll get through this together."