Ten thousand pounds. Twenty four hours. Ten. Twenty. Four.
All the numbers collided in my head, they merged into one collision, one explosion, one reaction.
Where do you get that money from? I suppose the answer is you don't and the panic inside me had risen rapidly since Tracy had left. It had risen because I knew there was no way I could get my hands on that amount of money. Maybe before, maybe before the bank would bite my hand off. Not this time. Of course they wouldn't because I was no longer a safe bet. I don't think I've ever been a safe bet.
And recently I'd become fragile and panicked. I felt like I needed Nick to be close to me, if he wasn't close to me Tracy could open her mouth. If she opened her mouth everything would be over. All my happiness, all my sanity, my everything gone. My future being in Tracy Barlow's hands scared me more than anything.
Before, before everything. Back before Johnny, Nick would arrive to my flat later than me and when he came in it was casual. He'd ask if I'd eaten, about my day then I'd ask about his. Domesticated.
But that night when Nick returned home he looked tired and confused. His keys made a pleasing sound as they hit the work surface and he slung his jacket over the chair, just like he usually did. But that night I watched him more intensely, I watched him closely because it could of be one of the last times he let himself into my flat, the last time we're so casual around each other. Because the truth was and still is that no one can get ten thousand pounds together in twenty four hours.
Ten thousand pounds. Twenty four hours. Ten. Twenty. Four.
I asked him if he was okay, which looking back was a mistake. He told me how he was unsure about moving, unsure about Devon. He told me how he knew Leanne was the only sensible choice around five times. He sat beside me, his body dangerously near the edge of the sofa, his hands clasped in his lap. He told me if he didn't know if moving away was the right thing, it was all becoming so real.
I told him it was natural to have cold feet, to have doubts. Moving away was a massive thing and I knew that but I couldn't let Nick change his mind. I couldn't risk him finding out, it would ruin him and it would ruin us.
My hand made contact with his shoulder, it massaged it gently which made him relax and as he relaxed I felt guilty in a way. Guilty that I was making him give up everything for me, because of my mistakes. And it hurt me that he was so willing, that he wanted to make me happy. His body leant back onto the sofa and I watched him as a sigh escaped his mouth.
Our eyes then met and he gave me a weak smile, a tired smile. He asked if we could drop it and talk about it the next day. I had to agree despite the fact I knew we were running low on time well, I was running low on time.
Since my betrayal I'd been reluctant to get close to Nick in the evenings, to let him show my comfort and love. But that night when his fingers entwined with mine I wasn't at all reluctant. I let Nick squeeze my hand before I fell into his side, his arm immediately going around me. And despite the fact my body was relaxed in Nick's embrace my mind was tense.
Ten thousand pounds. Twenty four hours. Ten. Twenty. Four.
I knew it wasn't possible and as Nick held me our relationship played over and over in my mind. And I thought he'd forgive me when he found out if I explained properly but then I snapped out of it. I knew that would never happen. I knew we'd be done. I knew the number ten thousand would haunt me forever.