Shiruno will never know how exactly she makes him feel.
To him, she is seawater- the essence of life is her base, and he needs her to survive, but the salt in her makes her lethal to drink, although desired nonetheless. She is home to many but not respected by those who don't know her, and this annoys few but none take action. She's entirely unhappy, discontent, and he sees it, doing his best to please her, but in the end his best isn't enough. He half-blames his own sick fear and half-blames whatever force may be in charge.
He can't entirely hate this unknown force, though, because it had brought them together and he does like being with her, even if being with her isn't really being with her, because at least they're together in some way. Their situation isn't one like anyone's they know; instead of being an unrequited crush on a person who can't even tell what his name is, he's got a secret but wonderful love, and they are close friends.
Kankurou stands far from the tree on the cliff where she so desperately loves to be, but close enough that he still feels the shattered, rugged pieces of what they felt after he left that day of his demise. No- not his demise... their demise. The falling of he and Shiruno in the form of a kiss, and they won't ever be together now, in any way except friendship. He'll have to cut back on the amount of time he spends with her, and the amount of affection he gives to her, or he could do something rash. It isn't his fault he feels this way, though, is it? It isn't his fault that every time a piece of stray hair falls to her eyes, he craves to brush it away, or that whenever she doesn't feel her best he wants to take her in his arms and rock her to sleep, telling her lies of how everything is okay as long as she can dream... is it?
Is it wrong, even, to think of his best friend in such a way that he can barely breathe when she is standing a foot away? Kankurou doesn't know, and tries not to think about it much longer... of course, thoughts of her still continue to consume his mind.
Such thoughts are interrupted as someone walks over to him, unnoticed until he is practically beside him. The incomer's voice is soft but stern, bold enough to express dislike but hushed and calmed enough to offer respect. He gives no greeting, and at first only states an implied question. "You love her."
To this Kankurou gives no immediate response, carefully scanning his choice of replies until he drags out such a period of silence all he can do is skip the smartass remarks he wishes to be able to think of and give the honest answer- "Yes." He still doesn't look the kid in the eyes- out of fear, perhaps, that when he does he'll realize how they deserve each other, and that their expression of affection so boldly displayed not long ago was one of true passion and perfection. No, he can't do that, and he doesn't want to.
But of course, the tension between them isn't thick enough, and so Kankurou lifts his face to his opponent's, meeting Neji's eyes in the most remorseful of ways. In them he can see why Shiruno would like them, and why she wouldn't... This kid can tell when you're lying, Shiruno, and you do that so often, and he's not even that good-looking of a guy, either... Spiteful comments fill his mouth but he swallows them and looks over again at the horizon. That oh-so-refused feeling of realization awakens in him and he nearly sighs, though holds it back- the kid beside him already knows enough.
"I apologize."
Kankurou doesn't respond to this statement externally but inside he does- taking the fool and throwing him into the fiery peach of a sun he gazes at. That's what he deserves, right? Yes, of course... and so much more. Before he came Kankurou stood a chance. But now... now there isn't much left for him but a few overly friendly smiles and ignorance shaped as kisses on his own burning cheeks. Yes, she'd kiss his face everywhere, except where he wants her to, for if her lips met his she'd be confused out of her mind, and in a far worse condition. And he doesn't want to cause her such trouble, so he always keeps his mouth shut about his feelings for her.
Neji speaks again, a bit frightened of the older boy in front of him but trying not to show it. "She doesn't know," he says, maintaining the same tone in his voice as before. "Maybe if you told her-"
"I will not," he objects immediately, head spinning around to stare again at those deceitful pale eyes. "Such an act of foolishness will not take place." He steps away from the irritating human and reaches the tree. His fingers lightly brush it and he slides down, seating himself at its base. Now his eyes slip over to the arena below, the nearly abandoned circle of mostly-dead grass and cracked walls of dark grey cement. Shiruno's not there, but he doesn't mind, and he didn't expect any less in the first place. He watches the training kids below without much care for them in his mind, and still thinks of her.
How brilliant they'd be together, he figures. Holding each other at night after engaging in numerous unmentionable activities, falsely assuring each other that as long as they could be like this then they need not fear the world or its inhabitants. And, without realizing it, his lips form the words he thinks, with his voice silent but secretly screaming its support- I would die for you.
Too much he speaks as if to Shiruno without her actually being present. It is ridiculous, but he eventually comes to the conclusion that he doesn't give a damn; if anyone feels how he does, if anyone is in an identical situation, they can understand. It isn't just out of vanished courage that he doesn't say these things to her face, there's more... but, of course, that's complicated. It always is.
Later, he lies down in bed, hoping to sleep but ends up only tossing and turning for an hour before climbing back to his feet. He doesn't bother to re-apply or fix his attention-deprived makeup as he throws his shirt back on and sneaks outside. A breeze tempts him to close his arms around his body, but he ignores it and creeps around to the back of the recovery building and halfway up the cliff to peek over at where he knows Shiruno is sleeping... only he discovers that she's not sleeping- instead she sits where Kankurou had earlier, by the tree. That damn tree; it gets far more attention than it deserves.
Kankurou laughs as he realizes he has become envious of a tree; a damn tree, of all things, and her head snaps in his direction. He falls immediately against the cold ground, but it is too late for a retreat- he's caught.
Shiruno smiles at her best friend and walks to the ledge he ducked behind, standing over his hastily hidden body with a rather triumphant expression. Slowly he meets her eyes, a wild set of shivers cascading down his spine, and he cringes slightly at the discomfort of the suddenly effective wind. He can't help but imitate her smile, though, and her face becomes more gentle.
"What are you doing up?" he questions, and she sits down.
"I don't think we should really begin asking questions," she replies slyly, "because I have a few of my own. Like the reason you're out here, and not sleeping inside, where you should be."
She's so clever, unlike other girls, he thinks. Revisiting his mental list of reasons for his adoration, he finds said deduction. His lips curl into a grin and soon he discovers himself at her side, sitting by her on the edge of the cliff. He watches carefully as her eyes scan everything in front of her, and admires how brilliantly curious she is. Kankurou admits he likes how innocent she always looks, with porcelain skin and perfectly flushed cheeks, with thick, dark lashes to frame her incredible, bright eyes. Her hair, a pure shade of chestnut, hangs low, and in the breeze it teases his skin mercilessly. Now it only teases his face and neck, and though he longs for it to tease him elsewhere, he still accepts the brush of it on his cheek and jaw line. Embarrassed, she attempts to smooth it down, but there's no use.
At last she turns to face him, blushing slightly but smiling. His expression becomes very serious and he glances down at her lips; she doesn't notice. Her smile drops and their gaze deepens; Kankurou finds himself falling into a sea of endless beauty- liquid beauty, to be exact, a hazel ocean concealing everything she hides from the world and people she knows and doesn't and people that think they know her but don't. In this ocean, Kankurou envelopes himself, bathing in the glory of this younger girl who has so slyly and unexpectedly captured his heart. Unaware, though, she is and has been of his feelings for her, and unaware is he of the feelings she too had begun to feel not long before.
But even with their ignorance, they both begin drawing closer and closer to each other, anticipation seeping from their pores. Shiruno peeks down at his partially separated lips, and sees it then and as she does it again, but doesn't say anything of it. He doesn't say anything period; they keep getting closer and closer until both sets of eyes are shut and their lips just barely touch- but not enough to be considered a kiss.
That's as close as they get. One of them pulls away- though who it is, they aren't sure, because it all happens so quick neither can process much of anything besides the fact that they now sit silent and awkward like they had before, only with a layer of tension resembling thick fog with the consistency of tar. Before, when they had just sat down, everything was fine, but now it isn't, and the reason for this is nothing but useless and a waste of time; it wasn't worth it in the least because in the end it can't even be named a kiss.
Neji kissed her.
Kankurou brushes away the thought with a very definite trace of disgust.
And as they sit in this puddle of regret and awkwardness, Kankurou's mind fills with images of what he wants to do- not to her so much as for her. He sees himself now on the cliff as he is but only a few moments back. He watches as he kisses the girl, really kisses her, pressing himself and Shiruno as close as they would go without them starting to literally devour each other. He slips his hand up to her neck, his thumb caressing her cheek, and listens to the repeating clash of their lips.
Closing his eyes, his fingers ball up into a fist and he wrinkles his face into an expression of desperation and need- need for her. He longs to kiss her like he just envisioned, and run his hands all over her face and neck and through her hair... then under her clothes to explore the rest of her perfect body. They would dance together without clothing to prevent them from entirely discovering each other; their skin would mesh and brush against each other's and they both would be blown into a whole new world of bliss and purity. He wants her to mutter his name, cry it out, whisper it in ecstasy; anything that would just keep the word pouring from her mouth because it was just so cute, so perfect, the way she pronounces his name. Her fingers would paw at and clutch his skin for support and release alike, and when all was over, the best part of the entire scene would arrive. They'd lie together, his body wrapped around hers, like it really should be, and he'd sing his sweet song of love and admiration to her, urging her into their dreamworld where she would be safe, and happy. He would then drift off to join her, and in his last seconds of consciousness he'd remember everything they had just done and how incredibly beautiful it was, and how under no other circumstances could he be more content.
All this he longs to do, but hasn't done and at this point he doesn't believe he will.
Slowly, he calms, and his face shows it. His fingers fall, weak. And Shiruno is asleep with her head against his leg.
He sighs. This is all he needs now, he figures. At this particular moment, this is all he needs. Her sleeping face against his thigh is all he needs.
Then, suddenly, he understands. Shiruno pulled away. Wrapped in thoughts of love and lust and wonder, Kankurou himself was unable to make the overall correct decision and stop moving towards her, but she wasn't, and therefore did. He assumes this isn't because she knew it was wrong, but instead felt afraid- this was one of the rare situations in which the blame can be forced on their age difference. She is fourteen, and he's at a booming sixteen-almost-seventeen, which is a mere but surprisingly significant difference of two and a half years. In most ways, these years can be overlooked, yet now he realizes in what ways they do matter. All of his thoughts concerning her are sweet, beautiful, perfect, but too much for her to handle. The kiss with Neji had been her very first, and obviously, if she hadn't been kissed before that she's not yet gone very far with anything in the world of intimacy. He laughs to himself, resting his head in his hand.
It makes sense.
That's why she's choosing that... that inexperienced fool of a boy Neji over me- having just turned fifteen, he can relate to her more, and they can experiment together, at a pace they both feel comfortable.
So really, it can be considered as somewhat of an exam... an exam where Neji is the preliminary round, and Kankurou is the final round. Yes, of course... this all makes sense to him now.
And finally, Kankurou lies down beside Shiruno, wrapping his arms carefully around the girl, content with the way things are starting to work out for him. Her and Neji will leave together when it's time for them to rejoin Gaara, of this he is sure, but he doesn't mind now that he knows how everything turns out. Neji thinks they share her- or maybe even that he in fact owns her, but Kankurou knows better; he isn't so ignorant to believe Shiruno wouldn't be able to choose between them, much less choose Neji over him. He can't keep her and he won't,not while Kankurou remains.
With a smile on his face, he forces himself to sleep, joining Shiruno in a world where neither of them have to wait and both are on the same level of experience and, all in all, they are happy.
Much, much later, after a period of time measured in years, Kankurou visits the grave of Aburame Shiruno as his own is being dug out. Turns out she's been dead for a while- six or seven months, in the least... though he's known of this for three of them. Three whole months he knew of her death, and yet he could do nothing but be unconsciously miserable and silent, drowning in the void he didn't realize was there until he received news of dearest Shiruno's tragic falling. It was Gaara who told him, Gaara who had to be the one to let his brother know that the only girl he ever truly felt something for was gone, having died in a fight against some cruel, evil bastard. That in the end, she didn't have what it takes to stay alive, on top of things.
Kankurou didn't deserve to live anymore, after trying to convince himself he didn't care, and he gets what he believes he does deserve, even though he wants it badly. Ignorance is bliss, and oh, how Kankurou wishes he could be ignorant of such a fact. Ignorant of the fact that she was gone.
The grave of Kankurou is unmarked, but he lies beside Shiruno, rotting away in the ground and not in a box as most people who died were, but simply thrown into the dirt. Her tombstone reads her name and two characters that translate in English as Fate; Destiny.
Kankurou's disintegrating corpse laughs every second of every day at the irony.