"God, Alice, are you on happy pills? You're always smiling. Sometimes I worry." Bella says, pacing the room.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I didn't know smiling was a crime."
Bella throws me a concerned look and then sits down.
I want to tell her. I want to tell her everything from the start. But I know I can't. On those rare occasions that I do try to tell someone, they yell at me. The truth always does.
If I told them I hated them, they'd cry.
If I told them I loved them afterwards, they wouldn't believe it.
If I told them I felt worthless, they wouldn't understand why.
If I told them I wanted to be dead, they'd send me off to some mental place.
I could never tell him I know his walk.
I could never tell him my heart skips a beat when he smiles.
I couldn't tell him I wanted to be the one who woke up to his face every morning.
I couldn't tell him I wanted to be the sweet girl he was looking for.
I couldn't tell her she was a fake bitch.
I couldn't tell her she was a Barbie.
I couldn't tell her she was selfish.
I couldn't tell her she needed to open her eyes; there are worst things then her credit card getting denied.
I couldn't tell her I wanted to kill her every time I see her.
I couldn't tell anyone anything.
So smiling covers it up. I smile, though my heart is aching.