A Compilation of Misfortune

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANY OF THESE PRE-EXISTING CHARACTERS OR THE TO ARU FRANCHISE

Today was truly an extravagant day in the city of science. The sun was shining and the birds were singing but there was one individual that was facing an adversity he's faced numerous times before. This high schooler by the name of Osamu Yuki was staring at his computer monitor in horror, realizing that he didn't pay his internet bill.

"Goddammit! I was just about to jack off too!" Osamu groaned while basking his self-pity.

Today, our protagonist had the day off of school and was in his dorm room with his doors bolted shut and blinds glued together. He is a well-known pervert among his fellow otaku peers. He always gapes at oppai no matter what the time or place. Hentai was his hobby and what defined him as a person. Today, he woke up with his morning wood set and ready to go. He went on his computer and realized that the internet wasn't working. Thinking that his router was unplugged, he checked up on it but saw that it was working fine. Feeling a bit frustrated over his daily ritual being interrupted, he called customer support.

"Good morning, my name is Shiki Kuga. What can I help you with today sir?" The male said with a flat tone.

"Hello, my name is Osamu Yuki and I called today because my internet wasn't working despite my router functioning properly." Osamu said sensibly.

"Ah yes, you said your name is Yuki, correct?" The representative inquired.

"Uh yeah. Why?

"Well it seems like you forgot to pay your bills this month and service will be cut off until you pay the necessary funds." The representative stated neutrally.

"WAIT WHAT! YOU'RE TELLING ME I CAN'T WATCH HENTAI?!" Osamu screamed uncontrollably.

"…"

"DAMN IT! THE ASSHOLE HUNG UP ON ME" Osamu roared with venom in his voice.

"Alright, well desperate times call for desperate measures I suppose. There's only one place I watch my hentai in peace." Osamu said as he left his dorm room with a determined gaze grazing his features.

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Misaka Mikoto was heading to her local district library for a change of pace. Today was a day she was going to dedicate cramming for the final she had on Calculus. While she was by no means a procrastinating person, she was still just a young teenager that sometimes yearned for fun with her friends. She entered feeling a bit bored.

'Honestly, I really don't have to study but I should might as well. I'd feel more confident that way.' Misaka thought with a hint of melancholy.

Being a Level 5 is obviously an achievement every Academy City student strived for. However, being one doesn't necessarily guarantee ones' happiness. Mikoto's life has constantly been plagued with admirers, stalkers and all other sorts of other individuals. She has had great difficulty finding people she can spend time with, without them feeling intimidated or love struck. Honestly, she just wanted to be treated like a normal girl. Sure, she's found this with her friends Saten, Uiharu and Kuroko but she still feels as is if she lacks some semblance of friendship. There was also THAT guy but she tried to avoid thinking of him too much.

"All right, let's get st-"

Suddenly, a certain horny male ran into the library with a look of pure determination.

"Huh? What's with that guy? Why does he look so serious?" Misaka said aloud.

Abruptly almost cutting her off, Osamu ran into her headfirst and she fell down without having any idea of what happened.

"Huh? Oh sorry girl. I've gotta go!" Osamu whispered intently.

'Geez, that guy sure is rude. Well he looked like he was doing something important and this IS a community library so he's probably not doing something shady since he's in broad daylight.' Misaka reasoned internally.

"Well, let me get back to my work I guess." Misaka muttered with an almost deprecating tone.

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Meanwhile, Osamu was up to something pretty shady in broad daylight.

"Alright, so I've arrived. It's time to get down to business." Osamu said seriously.

As he clicked on the web browser and typed in 'ASSTiTs Galore! Conquest of the Amazonian Empire!', he quickly realized one fatal obvious flaw in his supposed ironclad plan.

'OH SHIT! I forgot. I forgot that the community libraries have blocked web pages!"

Osamu grimaced while reflecting on his past.

You see, Osamu is just a typical weak Level 1 that's always been scorned. His power is known as Body Enhancer. He can enhance his upper body strength by 4%. How is this useful you ask? It's not.

Osamu's always been bullied for his seemingly useless power and on the power-curriculum program tests, he never really bothers to try. What point is there in working harder if your power is just that weak? He has always asked himself why he's even in this city. His life has just been completely average and his time here did nothing to change it.

As a kid, he just wanted to be a superhero. But as a growing teenager, following a dream like that which lacks any sort of rationale or scientific study is just worthless. He has no idea about what to do with his life. Hentai is the only thing that grants him a peace of mind. His parents sent him here because he always nagged about coming to the city of science but now he regrets it.

"Alright, well this may be a crime but I've been given no choice." Osamu said sadly heading towards his next destination.

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Currently there was a breach within a certain abandoned observatory.

A man in a blazer and tight purple pants struts forwards with a menacing look on his face holding an extremely important looking document.

"So you're the mad magician Robert Swallow?!" Touma exclaimed with his right fist outstretched.

"Oh yes. And who is it that asks? You seem like a lowly mongrel who doesn't deserve to stand on the same plane as me." Robert said with a mocking tone.

"Who I am doesn't matter! I'm just your everyday Level 0 that's been sent here to kick your ass!" Touma yelled.

"Hahahaha. Isn't a Level 0 the weakest of all you science kids? How do plan you plan to defeat such a prestigious magician?" Robert said laughing.

"Plan? Heh. I have none. All I have to do is break that tight pants illusion of yours!" Touma yelled passionately.

"WHAT?! You dare insult my fashion sense you lowly mongrel?" Robert grumbled angrily.

"For that, YOU DIE!"

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FLASHBACK

Earlier that same day, Touma got a call from Stiyl informing him of a certain magical incident that he had to help out in.

"So Kamijou, today a very dangerous magician has broken into one of the old observatories in your city." Stiyl said seriously.

"*Sigh* Such misfortune… All right so who is this guy?" Touma asked.

"Gah, your attitude is annoying as ever. But anyway, the magician you're facing is Robert Swallow who is part of a long line of powerful sorcerers known as the Swallow family. He stole an extremely important document that yields classified information on the Saints." Stiyl informed.

"Swallow? Doesn't sound that dangerous."

"Really Kamijou? I thought that you'd be one of the last people to underestimate their enemies." Stiyl said amused.

"Well, I'm sure you'll be cowering in fear once you learn of his powers though. You see, Swallow is an earth-based magician who is able to form the walls and ground of any environment to any shape of his liking. Also, his powers get amplified under a certain condition. But I don't think you want to know said condition." Stiyl said with a hint of regret.

"Uh, what's so bad about his amplification?" Touma asked suddenly growing scared.

"Well… Swallow gets powered up from how aroused he gets. When growing up, Swallow perfected this art of sexual amplification and is able to get turned on from any general type of pornography." Stiyl said with shame.

"WAIT WHAT?! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING ME FIGHT?! SUCH MISFORTUNE!" Touma yelled out.

"Touma, why are you yelling like that?" A certain nun inquired.

"Oh Index! I uh just realized that I've got to beat this boss in some game I have."

"Oh I see, well good luck." Index responded understandably.

Since Index is home a lot of the time, she came to understand the frustrations of playing those sciencey things called "video games".

"Ok Stiyl I got it."

"Oh wait, this is probably unwarranted but don't take Index with you got it? I don't want her near a pervert like that." Stiyl said in alarm.

"Yeah, yeah I know, I know…"

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Osamu recently heard rumors of an observatory that was closed down but still had access to the internet despite it having somewhat low speed.

"Alright, this is probably pushing it a little but it HAS to be done. IT MUST BE DONE!" A certain horny individual exclaimed.

Osamu ran towards the fence outside the observatory and activated Body Enhance which barely allowed him to get his arms on the top of said fence and carry him over.

"Okay time to finally soften my little man." Osamu said excitedly.

However, when Osamu entered the building, he heard sounds of fighting amidst the seemingly desolate environment.

"What? There's a fight going on here? Shit! Well, whatever. I can just not interrupt them I guess."

As you can see, when he is especially horny, Osamu lacks any sort of logical reason like most of us males.

"Alright, alright so where's a working computer? Ah here's one. Okay cool, looks like the internet connection is still stable here for some reason. Ok, so my friends have told me of this really good hentai. I tried searching for it in the library until I realized how stupid I was."

Osamu proceeded to Goggle and typed 'ASSTiTs Galore! Conquest of the Amazonian Empire!'

"Huh, why does this have so many negative reviews? Whatever, it's probably just some trolls."

Then Osamu hit the full screen button…

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A Certain Specific Porno was playing on the large screen right in the front on Touma Kamijou and Robert Swallow.

"Wait what?! What is this disgusting scene playing before my eyes?! No, it can't be! It's the one type of pornography that turns me off! I can't watch homosexual pornography!" Robert yells in fear.

"Ah yes, I can't wait to stick my plunger up your warp-pipe…" said the voice of a certain familiar fetish king.

"NO NO NOOOOOO!" Robert screamed.

"I… I don't know why my best friends are on the screen or why it's even on, but Robert Swallow… it's time for you to swallow this!" Touma yelled out as he pounded Swallow's face with his right hand.

"NO NO NO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!" Swallow yelled out mortified before going unconscious.

"Alright, I've got to grab the document since Stiyl is coming over tomorrow to pick it up." Touma said picking up said document.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SHIT?!" A certain horny individual screamed.

"Wait, who is that?" Touma wondered aloud while looking up at the control center seeing Osamu.

"Hey, who are you and what are you doing here?" Touma asked while walking up the stairs.

"Huh? Oh it's that spiky-haired guy who was fighting." Osamu realized. "Oh hey, there. I'm just someone that really needed internet for personal reasons."

"Oh, so is that "personal reasons?" Touma asked while pointing at the screen which was still playing THAT certain porno.

"No no no. That wasn't what I meant to click on, I swear!" Osamu said hurriedly.

"Uh huh. Yeah sure." Touma said skeptically.

"No wait wait. At least allow me to explain." Osamu begged.

"Well ok. No harm in it I suppose." Touma responded.

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"So let me get this straight. You forgot to pay your internet bill so you ended up scavenging your way to this rumored abandoned observatory for your quote on quote "research". Touma summarized.

"Uh, yeah that seems to be about the gist of it. But wait! The reason I searched that hentai up was because I heard great things about it." Osamu explained.

"Wait, what kind of friends do you have?" Touma asked quickly realizing that his friends do the exact same thing.

"Ah, well they're assholes." Osamu responds.

"*Sigh* Yours too huh?" Touma said feeling a connection to Osamu.

"Yeah, they're unbelievably gigantic perverts and prank me all the damn time!" Osamu said angrily.

They continued their conversation as they headed out the observatory.

" Oh wait, what's your name by the way?" Osamu asks

"Me? I'm Touma Kamijou. Just your everyday Level 0."

"Level 0 huh. Well don't feel bad. I'm a Level 1 but my power is absolutely useless." Osamu says begrudgingly.

"Ah come on it can't be THAT bad. Oh yeah what's your name by the way?" Touma asked curiously.

"I'm Osamu Yuki. Just your everyday pervert." He said smiling.

"Well, you clearly haven't met my friends." Touma says laughing.

"Heh. Maybe I should meet them." Osamu says laughing.

And that's how a certain horny pervert and a certain unlucky individual became friends.

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BACK IN THE OBSERVATORY

"Damn those espers! How dare they do this to my brother!" Said Elizabeth Swallow, the sister of Robert Swallow.

"I'll get revenge on them if it's the last thing I do!" Elizabeth said while taking away her brothers' unconscious body from the observatory.

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IN ENGLAND

"Ah there you are Kanzaki." Laura Stuart said.

"Yes, what did you need me for?" Kanzaki asked curiously.

"Well, Stiyl has been sent to an emergency mission in Australia so he can't go to Kamijou's residence tomorrow." Stuart informed.

"W-wait! You can't mean that-" Kanzaki started.

"Yes tomorrow, you will be heading towards Academy City to meet up with that Japanese boy I know you've grown so fond of." Laura said smiling.

"Well, alright. I-if it's a mission, I can't help it I suppose." Kanzaki said with a faint hint of excitement in her voice.

"Have fun!" Laura said waving.

"SHUT UP!"

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Random BS

"So let me get this straight. You forgot to pay your internet bill so you ended up scavenging your way to this rumored abandoned observatory for your quote on quote "research". Touma summarized.

"Uh, yeah that seems to be about the gist of it. But wait-" Osamu starts before he's interrupted.

"BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!" Said the roaring voice of Billy Mayes.

"Wait what who the hell is this guy?!" Touma exclaims while watching a body rise from the ground.

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AUTHOR'S NOTES

NEXT TIME-

TOUMA KAMIJOU ASKS HIS FRIENDS ABOUT THE PORNO THEY MADE

OSAMU FINDS A JOB TO PAY HIS BILLS

MIKOTO RESOLVES TO INVITE TOUMA TO A TOKIWADAI DANCE

AND KANZAKI GETS TOO EMBARRASED TO SEE TOUMA'S FACE