One day a bright, young lad named Sasuke Uchiha was wishing he could fly.
"Wishing you could fly eh Sasuke? We've all been there," winked a passing moose before flying away.
While Sasuke wondered how that passing moose had known what he'd been wondering about, there was a tap on his shoulder. Sasuke turned around to see Kabuto smiling at him.
"Sasu..."
Sasuke punched him in the face. "Fuck yeah," he whispered to himself before stomping on the back of Kabuto's head.
"Why'd you do that then Sasuke?" Asked a person behind him with a Lancashire accent.
Sasuke turned to see Sakura hanging upside down from a tree like a bat, with her eyes closed.
"Did you say that?" He asked.
"No, that was me," said a voice from the left.
Sasuke turned to see another Sakura hanging from another tree with her eyes closed.
"So, it was you?" He rolled his eyes.
"Right right oh right," Sakura bat nodded.
Suddenly from behind came Kankuro riding on a big lizard.
"Do you ride that often then?" Sasuke asked conversationally.
Kankuro regarded him with a sneer.
"What did I do?" Sasuke asked Sakura hanging still on the tree like a bat, now with a bat snout.
"Mere earthlings are not to talk to big-face Kankuro," Sakura whispered then flew up into Kankuro's face. "Are we?"
Gaara came out the Lizard's bottom like an embryo in goo and then flew up and hit Sakura flying away into the distance.
"No one talks to Kankuro," he whispered.
"Except perhaps me?" Sasuke supposed politely.
"Oh go on then," Gaara chuckled as Sasuke started petting Kankuro who purred like a cat.
"Because he has a cat hat," Sasuke noted. "Oh don't do that," he added as he noticed –out of the side of his eye- Gaara was drinking a bottle of calpol. In reply, Gaara hissed then bounced away with long legs.
"You chase my brother away for a reason?" Kankuro asked, looking really tough considering he'd just been purring like a cat a few seconds ago.
"Why're you here anyway?" Sasuke questioned.
"You're the one who turned up in Konoha Sasuke, not me!" Kankuro retorted before bursting into tears and straightening his long blonde hair that had suddenly appeared on his head.
"You like a baby," Sasuke said like a Navi. He looks at you, the reader. "And if you don't know what a Navi is, fuck off,"
"Want me to guide you around town?" Kankuro asked politely, suddenly dressed like a tour guide.
"Hn," Sasuke nodded and got onto a tiny horse and started clopping along behind Kankuro as he guided him along.
"Hosanna! Heysanna! Sanna Sanna Ho! Sanna Hey Sanna Ho! Sanna! Hey S U, S U won't you smile at me? Sanna Ho Sanna Hey Superstar!" Kankuro began singing once he noticed Sasuke was on the tiny horse. People came out of houses waving branches and Sasuke waved to them. One person suddenly surged through the crowd and hit Sasuke really hard with a branch.
"Who did that?" Kankuro wailed, in tears.
A tiny, chibi version of Tsunade stepped forwards.
"Why did you do that my child?" Sasuke enquired. Tsunade went to open her mouth. "RAAAAH!" Sasuke screamed and threw a peanut down her throat. Tsunade choked quickly and died. Sasuke spat on her body then got back onto the tiny horse (that he had dismounted) and began riding gracefully away.
"Hosanna Heysanna! Sanna Sanna Ho! Sanna Hey Sanna Ho Sanna! Hey S U, S U won't you smile at me? Sanna Ho Sanna Hey Superstar!" Kankuro began singing again as they rode into the distance away from the dead body of chibi Tsunade.
Soon enough Sasuke and Kankuro found themselves in a desert.
"This is your fault!" Sasuke hissed at a flying squirrel.
"I will not tolerate that," The squirrel warned and flew off glaring at Sasuke.
"You shouldn't be so quick to judge the animals of the desert," Kankuro said as he led Sasuke and the tiny horse over the sand dunes.
"Why?" The tiny horse asked in Kakashi's voice.
"Because..." Kankuro paused, "Because my penis said so!"
Kankuro whipped out an absolutely massive penis which slammed against the sand making the dunes jump.
"Shit," Sasuke said and pushed the tiny horse to the floor and started running.
"Sasuke!" the tiny horse screamed as Kankuro and his massive penis ran over the animal and chased after Sasuke.
As Sasuke ran a car drove past and dragged him on.
"Thanks," Sasuke mumbled and looked up to see Kankuro driving the car.
Kankuro smirked, "Some men just can't handle their arsenic," he chuckled.
"What's happening?" Sasuke asked in confusion.
"The animals put you into a hallucination, you shouldn't have insulted that squirrel," Kankuro explained.
"He said stuff about my Ma!" Sasuke screeched, "It makes me upset,"
Temari who sat next to him giggled.
"What?" Sasuke questioned.
"You have a big nose," she laughed.
Sasuke died a little inside.
Soon enough Kankuro stopped the car and the group were in a dusty cowboy town.
"Why we here Kan-GAY!" Sasuke shouted.
"Shut up Sas-UKE!" Kankuro hissed back.
"A missed opportunity there to call Sasuke Sas-gay," Temari told a beaver who had came up to them.
"Quite," The beaver nodded, "But I am going to have to ask you to leave, this town don't want no trouble,"
"Shut up, I eat beaver's for breakfast," Temari warned.
"Yeah sure," The beaver waved her threat away.
"RAH!" Temari roared and the beaver grew wheels and sped off in fear.
"A talent I would love to have," Sasuke noted as it left.
"If you can handle the wheels," Temari nodded, "Stud,"
"I got chills, they're multiplying and I'm losing..." Sasuke began singing but stopped when everyone glared at him.
A snake slithered up to them with Orochimaru's face, "Glare... G-L-A-R-E... glare," then it slithered off.
"Yeah go on get!" Sasuke roared after it then smiled into Kankuro's face, "Hullo,"
"Hi," Kankuro smiled.
"Well...now I feel left out," Temari moped.
"Women," Sasuke rolled his eyes at Kankuro who looked at him in outrage as he was now dressed up as a woman.
"Hello, I'm confused,"
Temari, Sasuke and Kankuro turned to see Hinata looking at them all.
"About WHAT?" Temari yelled into her face.
"Pre Time skip or post time skip?" Hinata asked.
"What's this broad banging on about?" Kankuro thought tapped for Sasuke.
"It's shippuden Hinata, get used to it," Temari teased, this, for some reason really offended Hinata and she ran off crying.
"Bit bitchy," Sasuke noted.
"Where're we off to?" Kankuro asked brightly.
"Over there," Temari decided, pointing into the distance, she marched about 2 meters away and stood there, smiling broadly.
"Dude...your sister's crazy," Kankuro whispered to Sasuke.
Sasuke looked over at Temari who waved brightly at him. "This is a load of barnacles," he whispered back.
"Put your hands where I can see them,"
Kankuro and Sasuke put up their hands and turned to see Anko pointing a gun at them.
"Do you..." Kankuro began gently. "Want me to get my 'gun' out too?"
Anko glared at him in disgust. "No Kankuro I just want your money,"
"Whey," Sasuke jeered Kankuro.
"Shut up man," Kankuro hissed urgently at him.
"Is there a problem?" Asked Temari in a loud, man's voice as she marched over.
"This Anko woman doesn't like my hairstyle...so she's threatening to blow it off!" Sasuke squeaked.
Anko gave him a funny look.
"Reform your ways and join us," Temari advised.
"7 million good reasons why I should," Anko decided as she tucked her gun into her back pocket.
"Ah that'd take long man," Temari whined in a chav voice.
Sasuke looks at you. "And if you don't know what a chav is...too bad,"
"That seems fair. I'm coming with you," Anko nodded.
Kankuro clapped and a load of giant rats came towards them. "Faster than horses and deadlier than wolves," he informed them all.
"Do they put out?" Temari asked.
"Well...how disgusting," Anko commented.
Then the gang began riding north...to Mordor...but not really though!
"Not really cause one cannot simply walk into Mordor," Anko explains to you, the reader.
"Breaking the fourth wall AGAIN?" Sasuke turned angrily to Anko as they rode.
"Well all you guys have done it so I thought..." Anko trailed off as Sasuke glared.
"Don't think, don't even think!" Sasuke warned.
"Where may I ask are these rats of yours taking us?" Temari asked Kankuro.
"Well... it's kinda embarrassing," Kankuro cringed.
"Not as embarrassing as earlier when you asked Anko if she wanted to see your penis!" Sasuke laughed.
"Yeah on your own," Anko muttered.
"Just tell me, I promise I won't tell Sasuke and Anko," Temari promised then winked obviously at Anko and Sasuke.
"The sun done
Yep, the sun done
Came up, but we still up in dungeon
The DunDun
Yep, in London
Competition, why yes I would love some
How the mad they get mad cause they run done.
Mad cause I'm getting money in abundance
Man I can't even count all of these hundreds
Duffle bag every time I go to SunTrust
I leave the rest just to collect interest
I mean interest
(Oh) my nemesis
Exclamation... just for emphasis
And I don't sympathize, cause you a simple simple
just pop up on these hoes on some pimple pimple
And put the iron to your face you old wrinkle wrikle" Kankuro sang at her.
"Alright," Temari gasped, really offended.
"So where are we going?" Sasuke wondered.
"Well they're taking the hobbits to Isengard so I suggest there," Anko offered her advice.
"In Jinglish please," Sasuke tutted.
"They've brought Hinata (The hobbit) to Konoha," Anko explained.
"Shit we were just there; Sasuke was being Jesus and everything!" Kankuro slapped the rat he was riding on, on the back of the head.
"Ouch... stop it," Sasuke thought-tapped for the rat then gave a thumbs up to the rat which winked.
"Rats don't have eyelids do they... oh no that's snakes," Temari wondered as she watched.
"Harry Potter? YEAH FLAW!" Anko screamed.
The rats led the gang back to Konoha where they were cleaning up the streets.
"Watch this," Sasuke smiled and walked in but nobody sung like he expected them to.
"No one likes Sasuke, no one likes Sasuke!" His gang sang behind him.
Sasuke turns to you, the reader, "You like me don't you?"
"And he told me not to break the fourth wall," Anko muttered angrily.
"Oh shut it," Temari rolled her eyes.
"Cat fight!" Kankuro screamed.
"Ninja fight more like you absolute sexist," Sasuke came up to him and slapped him round the back of the head.
"I deserved that," Kankuro muttered sadly.
"That you did, you wouldn't be the same person you are today if I didn't do that," Sasuke nodded wisely.
"You're so clever!" Kankuro gushed.
"Stupid," Anko said like a worm.
Sasuke turns to you, "Same rules apply... just fuck off!"
TheDunDun maintains that if you thought this was crazy or didn't understand any of it then you are in fact the insane one. TheDunDun maintains that all of this made sense. Also, if you found any of this offensive...go tell Woody from Toy Story because it was he who gave TheDunDun the idea. It hopes you are looking forward to the next chapter.