I saw a post on FB that inspired this small thing.
M to be safe. Nothing too explicit.
Come, Go, Stay
We've had a lot of hard times. Sam and I have most likely seen more evil than any other human on this earth, including a lot of hunters. We have met vampires and werewolves, shapeshifters and ghosts, even angels and demons. Most of them can be killed and we have often done it without regrets but always at a price. But in all these years I think my trip to hell was the worst thing I ever had to face and I would still be down there, torturing other people's souls and my own alike if there hadn't been a certain angel to raise me from perdition.
Castiel.
I remember my time in hell very well, I can still hear the screams and moans of the tortured souls, I can still see their eyes when the pain got too much to bear, the panic and knowledge that they were damned forever. Lost. Like I was. Maybe I sounded like them, too, maybe I looked like one of them, I cannot know. The room I was in reeked of sorrow and sadness and tears and hate, it was like a sea of despair and I still feel pity for those who have not been rescued. Cas came just for me, I was the one soul he was looking for and though I will always be thankful that he was there for me I still don't understand why he came for me of all people, I chose torturing others over being tortured, I deserved to stay in hell because I was like a demon back then: making others suffer to help myself. I forgot who I was and I forgot what goodness was.
Nevertheless one day I saw the bright light and heard the screams of demons that were smitten in the wake of Cas' wings. His path was lined with dead demons, he killed them without mercy just to reach me and help me. My angel was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, he shone from the inside out and radiated warmth, hope and love. I guess I cried when I saw him coming towards me.
"Dean." His voice filled my body with warmth, it was gentle and forgiving. The bright source of light reached for me, pressed me close to him. "Come." His words and gestures filled my soul with hope. Maybe there was still something for me, maybe everything would be fine. I know that I clung to him desperately, while he grabbed me tight, held me against him as if I was the most precious thing he had ever touched. His voice and his light surrounded me and my heart was about to burst from the love that I felt for my savior. He was mine, just there for me, cradling me safely while taking me back to life. "We have other plans for you, Righteous Man." Sometimes, when I lie awake and my memories haunt me, I think back to that day and it makes me feel better.
Cas became my angel when he said to me "Come."
I love him ever since. I convinced myself that I loved him like I love Sammy, like a brother though I always knew I lied to myself. Cas was, is and will always be the most precious thing in my life, he will always have my heart because when he put me back together he left a part of his grace within my soul. I don't know if he did it on purpose or if it just happened or if I begged for it but I only feel whole when he is with me. But other hard times came and Cas and I were thrown into purgatory together. At least I wasn't there on my own, I thought when I got there but a few moments later Castiel was gone. For a second I have felt betrayed but I knew he had his reasons, I WANTED to believe that he didn't just leave me alone and I was right. My angel tried to stay a few steps ahead of me but I wouldn't let him. When I found him again I hugged him like he hugged me in hell. My heart jumped with joy and though he didn't return my hug at first I know he was glad to have me by his side as well. I can often tell how he feels though he tries his best to hide it.
We fought together and we found the passage out of purgatory. I was so happy that we would get out of this place that I grabbed his hand without thinking about this gesture twice and pulled him towards the passage with me. He didn't come. The beautiful angel looked into my eyes, panic and fear in his own but he let go of my hand nevertheless. "Go." He breathed. There were so many things in his eyes: sadness because he knew that I didn't want to leave without him, angst, because now he was alone in this godforsaken place, relief, because now he knew that I would be safe and something that went beyond any emotion I've ever seen. Maybe love or the knowledge that he would miss me and that I would miss him, maybe regret because he wasn't sure if we would meet again, maybe lust, because his eyes raked over my body as he let me go but most likely it was all of the above.
I fell hopelessly for him when he just whispered: "Go."
Now we are back together, he's human. Cas came back to the bunker but I know that he plans to leave again soon. My angel thinks that he is a burden to Sammy and me because he doesn't have his angelic powers any longer, he thinks he is useless but I need him. God, how I need him by my side. I stare at him while he packs a duffel bag with some of my old clothes. Actually he promised to give them back once he has rearranged his life and can afford to buy his own. What do I care about clothes? I care about HIM, I don't want him to leave and though I have told him more than once he wouldn't listen.
I don't understand. We were always so damn close and I thought he would stay with us, now that he's human like us… I will miss him again like so often before. I hate the thought that he lives in some apartment, trying to adjust to being human on his own. What if the other angels find him? The ones we met have already made it clear that they want my angel dead. Hell, he had been dead… My heart nearly stopped beating when April stabbed him when we found him. I thought I would die, too. I can't live without him, I don't want to. So I try again but he won't listen. He just shakes his head and tells me that he is a danger to Sammy and me and that he is useless. Damnit, Cas, you're far from useless.
He can't understand it or he doesn't want to, I seriously don't know. I'm running out of time here and when he is finished packing his bag he closes it neatly and gets up, carrying it out of my room, down the corridor to the front door of the bunker. I panic. I really, truly panic and I follow him, trying to block the door so he can't get out of here. His stern blue eyes stare me down, he is used to being obeyed I realize and that I try to object him irritates Cas. Something stings behind my eyes and I can feel the tears coming, unable to hold them back. All this is making me feel helpless and useless, I hate it and I just. Want. Him. To. Stay. With me! I've already told him that I need him so why does he still try to get away from me?
A gasp escapes his lips while he looks into my face and I notice just now that the tears run over my cheeks and neck into my collar. He follows their path with his eyes, blue depths growing wide with shock. "Stay." I whisper but it comes out as something between a sob and a whimper nevertheless. I don't mind him seeing my weaknesses, Cas has all seen them before and it is important that he stays. With a loud thud the duffel bag hits the ground and he grabs my face in both of his warm hands, causing me to cry a bit harder. He cares, I can see it in his eyes and he doesn't want me to hurt. With feather light caresses he soothes me, his hands stroking every inch of my face, silently begging me to stop crying but I can't. Not only he has lived through a lot of trouble and sorrow lately and I finally give in.
It takes me a few minutes to finally stop crying, my body shaking violently. Sometime between my sobs Cas has grabbed me and pulled me into his arms and I hold on tight to him, he is my anchor to reality and he is the only person left I can trust. I don't want him to go. "Stay." I whisper again, right next to his ear and I feel him shiver when my warm breath caresses the shell and he grabs me tighter still, pressing me close to his body, reassuring me. He will stay. For me. With me. Cas doesn't let go of me for a long while, he holds me patiently until I'm calm again, his hands drawing soothing circles on my back, his face turned towards my head that rests on his shoulders. After some time I can feel his lips press against my temple, he kisses me gently, making me look up into his endless blue eyes that I love so damn much. His hands wander up over my back and to my neck and head where he lets his fingers run through my hair. I have never felt so good and wanted in my whole life and I'm sure that only Cas can make me feel this way.
My angel smiles at me, his eyes never leaving mine and I can see how sure he is that everything will be fine. His strength is all I need to go on with my life, with hunting and all those things that – truth be told – scare the shit out of me .All I need is Cas and he pulls me closer to seal my lips with his, kissing me gently, slowly as if we have all time in the world he splits my lips open and caresses my mouth with his tongue, smiling against my lips when a soft moan escapes me. This is all I ever wanted and I finally, finally feel at home and more calm than ever before. When we come apart for air, Cas grabs his duffel bag from the floor and leads me back to my room where he throws it into a corner carelessly. His whole attention is turned towards me and I'm curious and excited about what will come next.
Cas doesn't hesitate, he grabs me again and presses me up against a wall, his hands all over me. "I love you." He whispers into the silence, making me gasp. I knew.
"Love you, too." I whisper and moan when his hands find their way under my shirt, his fingers feeling so damn hot and alive against my skin. I never would have guessed that he would force me into submission, though I should have know: Cas is so strong and fierce and once he finds something to raise his passion he will go for it. Like he does now. It feels great to have him press me against the wall, it is amazing to feel him inside of me, it is overwhelming to feel his body move against mine and it is pure salvation when we come together. I know I scream his name in ecstasy but what do I care if the whole world can hear me worship him so shamelessly?
For the first time in my life I feel complete.
Those three words describe our relationship so perfectly: Come. Go. Stay.
And he stayed.
XxX
Reviews are most welcome!