Hey everyone!
I'm not sure exactly how to define this story. It has two "chapters" written right now, but what it basically is is two one-parters that are sort of linked by the fact that both are Jack POV and contain a heck of a lot of angst about a lot of stuff, but mainly about Irina/Laura.
They both fall loosely under the title "Chrysalis"....
Anyway, on with the angst, but first some stuff to get out of the way...
TIME PERIOD - "What I Am" is set any time after "The Enemy Walks In" but before "A Dark Turn"; "Betrayal is a Familar Tune" is set after "A Dark Turn" and in a slightly AU universe where "Truth Takes Time" hasn't occured yet [and where there was no passive transmitter].
RATING - PG/PG-13 to be on the safe side
SUMMARY - Jack. And a whole lot of angst.
DISCLAIMER - I don't own Alias, or any of its characters.
Chrysalis
What I Am
Love. Family. Honor. Duty.
These words I defined my life by, once.
A loving wife. A beautiful baby daughter. A loyal agent. An honorable man.
My wife killed men and betrayed my country. My wife was a traitor and a spy, and then a criminal mastermind. My daughter kills men and wants revenge and a normal life. My daughter is a spy, a double agent.
My wife never truly loved me. My daughter despises me for lying to her about her childhood, her mother and about my - and her job.
I? I am a traitor to my country and to my once-best friend. I turned twice. Turned against my country and then back. I am a dishonest, ruthless man, I will freely admit that. Because in my profession, that's what it takes to survive. I am a killer. A spy. A double agent.
I loved my wife. She died. I mourned her inside a prison cell.
My wife is dead. Laura is dead. Irina is not Laura. That is the mantra that I chant every time I see her. And it's true, Irina is not Laura. Irina is cool where Laura was warm. Cold where Laura was red-hot. But brilliant like Laura was. Beautiful like my dead wife. We're still technically married, you know. I can't bring myself to file for divorce.
Every time I see her, I die a little inside. I remember the honorable man I once was, and deep down, somewhere inside me, the Jack Bristow that I was screams to get out. He is naïve. Like my daughter's "friend", Mr. Vaughn. There are certain distasteful and immoral, unethical things which must be done in this world. I am the man that does them.
Jack-that-was was a good man. Too good for his own good, in a way. Too trusting, too loving, too blind. Jack-that-was died when Laura did. They died as they lived…perhaps they are somewhere now together? Perhaps inside Irina, Laura is fighting to get out like Jack-that-was is? That's both a comforting and a disturbing thought. But maybe somewhere, sometime, those two good people can be together as they are forever separated in the here and now, separated by the past and the present and the future and by the things we will never say…the things we can never say.
Jack-that-was had morals. Ethics. A promising future. He had a family. Friends. Colleagues he did not have to lie to. Jack-that-was is dead now. I am Jack. I am a killer. I betray my friends [that's right, Arvin…]. Lie to my colleagues. My daughter despises me taking away her choices in life. And that's right, I did, Sydney. I saw your talents. And I exploited them. I programmed you to serve your country. Because there are people out there who want to kill us. And the more people with your skills and talents there are serving our country, the safer your friends are. I loved my daughter. I saw her talents and exploited them to serve my interests and those of my country. In doing this, I earned her hatred.
She thinks of a normal life. By doing what she does, she preserves the normal life of millions of others. I hate what I did to her, but know that it needed to be done, that the world is safer with her doing the job that she does.
Or am I simply trying to defend the indefensible?