"If you give Captain Jack Harkness a waffle"
A fan-written parody.
If you give Capt. Jack Harkness a waffle, he will want some butter.
If you give him a pat of butter, he will remember that he likes butter on scones too. He will ask you for some scones for breakfast as well.
If you give Capt. Jack Harkness some scones, he will want to have a cup of coffee with it.
If you give him a cup of coffee, he will only want Ianto's coffee. And if you want to bring him a cup of Ianto's specially brewed coffee; you will need to bring Ianto along too.
If you give Capt. Jack Harkness Ianto…well, lets just say he will be occupied for a few hours. Which can keep him out of trouble. But, inevitably, an alien will show up in Cardiff and that will sound an alarm in the Hub.
If an alarm goes off in the Hub, Capt. Jack Harkness will have to go after the alien.
And, after a long day of alien catching, he'll want a good, strong cup of coffee.
And if you give Capt. Jack Harkness some coffee, he'll want some scones to munch along with it.
And if you give him some scones, he'll want some butter to go on them.
And if you give Capt. Jack Harkness a pat of butter to put on his scones, he'll remember that he also likes butter on his waffles.
So…
He'll ask you for some waffles to munch.