Zim went down into his labs, trying once more to call the Tallest. He had a new BRILLIANT plan to eradicate the humans stink-pigs, and the Armada needed to arrive here, and quickly. Zim's call got through, but the camera seemed pointed away from the Tallest. They weren't even aware he was there. Zim was about to end the call when he heard the voices of his leaders talking. Being as curious as he was, he listened closely to the two voices.
"Hey, Red?" a high-pitched, yet still obviously male, voice asked.
"Hmmm?"
"Is a smeet's DNA chosen at random, or is it selected?"
"That's a weird question. And random, too. Why do you even care, Pur?" a lower voice, most probably Red, questioned.
"I'm just curious."
"Curiousity killed the...meowing...Earth...thing, you know. The one that almost clawed Zim's face off during that one call."
"Heh, that was funny. Too bad it was vaporized before it succeeded. It should never have tried to explore Zim's Pak...HEY! No getting off-track! Just answer the question!" Purple demanded.
"Fine. Normally the DNA is selected from past Tallest, preferably the ones that showed positive major changes within the Irken Empire," Red started to explain.
"What about Zim?"
"What about him?" Red countered, sounding irritated at being interrupted.
"He doesn't look or act like any past Tallest! He's an idiot!"
"You would know all about being an idiot, wouldn't you?" Red chuckled.
"Shut up!" Sounds of chips being thrown are heard.
"Well, to answer your question, Zim is a little more complicated than the other smeets. That's why he's so annoying."
"How do you know?" Purple asked suspiciously.
"Because I asked the genetic scientists."
"You wanted to know, too?"
"Yeah, to make sure I wasn't related to him in any way whatsoever."
"Are you?"
"Of course not!"
"Thank snacks for that! Otherwise you would be even more annoying than usual!" Purple laughed, relieved.
"Oh, ha ha," Red laughed sarcastically. "Sometimes I wish that meowing thing would attack YOU."
"Aw, you don't mean that. You would go insane without my wonderfulness."
"I think I would manage pretty well alone," Red pointed out. Purple shot him a glare, but Red just smirked and continued. "Anyways, Zim wasn't exactly made from normal methods. He was a test, an experiment, to see if someone could be made from more than two sets of DNA."
"Creepy. How many strands of DNA?"
"16."
"WHAT?" Purple exclaimed.
"Yeah, that was my first reaction, too."
"How did he even survive beyond the breaking of the birth tube?" the purple-eyed leader demanded.
"The special defective Pak he was given, that's how."
"I don't get it. I thought defective Paks were a bad thing."
"They are, normally. They kill any normal Irken. But Zim's DNA was discovered early on that it reacted oddly to a lot of things. He strived on being different, even before Day 1," Red explained.
"So the defectiveness thingy kept him alive?" the puzzled co-leader asked.
"That's right."
"That's weird."
"So are you."
"Seriously, though. That's just...not...normal!" Purple exclaimed.
"It sure isn't. But it's a fact of life, unfortunately."
"Does Zim know this?"
"Are you kidding me? He doesn't know a thing about this! About any of this!" Red exclaimed.
"But he was a scientist once, too! When he created that energy absobing thingy that ate Miyuki and Spork." One could almost see both Red and Purple grimace at the memory. Zim's antennas flattened against his head in embarrassment at the statement. Would they never cease to point out his flaws?
"They kept him away from the genetic labs."
"Hey, can you pass me the donuts?" Purple asked, distracted from the story.
"Sure. Sprinkled, glazed, or jelly-filled?"
"Glazed. Definitely glazed."
"Here you are."
"Thanks, Red."
"No problem."
"So."
"So what?" Red retorted.
"What happened next?" Purple questioned.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, doesn't your story keep going?"
"Why should it? This is Zim I'm talking about, not some piece of history or anything," Red said dismissively.
"True. But it does keep going, doesn't it?"
"Yes, it does."
"You know more. Stuff that you don't want to tell me," Purple guessed.
"Yeah…but why should I tell you?"
"We're brothers, that's why."
"Not technically. You know, the whole Irkens not having any blood brothers or anything," Red pointed out.
"You might as well be. You're the closest thing I have to a brother, and vice versa."
"I guess you're right. Fine, I'll tell you. You swear not to tell anyone, though?"
"I promise," Purple confirmed.
"Okay, here it is…"
"Just spit it out already!" Purple demanded impatiently.
"Zim isn't completely…Irken."
"What? What do you mean?"
"Just what I said. He's not a full-blooded Irken. One DNA strand was of another species."
"Which species?"
"I don't know! The scientists refused to tell me!" Red exclaimed huffily. "All they did tell me was that it was still sentient life, not so different from us. But they had more fighting and engineering skills, which they thought would make the perfect soldier. The only side effect is that the species tends to talk in third person and shout a lot, but they figured that it didn't matter in the long run."
"Our culture is kind of messed up for everyone else, isn't it?" Purple pointed out.
"Yeah. But not for us. We have the good life. We inherited the right genetics, for sure."
"Do you think they pre-choose the Tallest? Like, they recognized how great we were as smeets, and decided we needed an extra dose of whatever it is that makes us tall?" Purple asked eagerly, obviously hoping for a way to make them seem even more superior than they already were.
"They've tried, but it's unpredictable. I think they might have tried it on Zim, but he's as short as ever. Think about it. He got the same type of growth hormone as us, but he's still a tiny little thing. At his age, we were already almost as tall as we are now!" Red laughed.
"If he weren't so annoying, I would almost feel sorry for him."
"Don't. He doesn't need pity, and he doesn't want it, either. He only wants power. Which he'll obviously never get, even if Earth actually gets destroyed."
"How do you think he would react if he found out about all this?" Purple suddenly realized.
"Who knows? Go insane? Destroy his Pak? Take pride in how different he is? It's hard to say, his reactions being so unpredictable. I hope it's the second option, though. That would make things a lot easier."
"He might eventually figure it out, Red."
"Why do you think that?" Red asked.
"He's curious enough to be fiddling around with his DNA. He might notice how it looks all patchy and stuff."
"Hey, if he discovers it, he'll run straight to us and ask what's going on. We'll lie, probably say something about how it's made from several 'superior' sources, then that's the end of that. Hey, you going to finish those donuts?"
"Yeah, duh! Why would I be holding the box if I didn't plan on finishing them?"
"Give me some!"
"Nuh-uh!" Purple backed away, and his arm hit the camera just right so that Zim could actually see the scene. Purple was using one arm to block Red and the other to hold the box of donuts just out of reach. Red shoved the arm away and unsuccessfully lunged at the box.
"Pur, that isn't cool! Give me back the snacks! I order you to, as your Almighty Tallest!" Red demanded, quickly getting up off of the ground.
"HAH! That doesn't work for me, remember? I'm just as much your leader as you are mine! And I order you to get your own doughnuts!" Purple retorted teasingly.
"Just give me the box, Pur!" Red angrily exclaimed, still trying to end the game of keep-away.
"Not until you say it!"
"Say what?" Red paused, glaring at his friend.
"Say it!"
"Oh, that thing? But it's so stupid!"
"Say it, or you can kiss all of your donuts good-bye!"
"All at once, or crumb by crumb?" Red sarcastically asked, crossing his arms.
"Haha, very funny. Seriously, just say it!"
"No…" Red whined.
"Then no donuts for you!" Purple decided, starting to hover over to the trash can. He started to tilt the box so that a doughnut could fall into the trash at any moment. Red growled in defeat.
"FINE! Purpleiswaycoolerthanme. You happy?"
"Yes. Here's your precious donuts back," Purple smirked and tossed the half-empty box to his red-eyed friend.
"THANK you! You can be a real jerk sometimes, you know that?"
"Sticks and stones, Red," Purple replied, sinking into the chair nearest to him. Red paused in his consumption of sweets to shoot Purple a confused look.
"What?"
"It's something that Zim told me once. It's supposed to mean that insults cannot physically hurt me, or something."
"That's stupid," Red pointed out.
"Isn't it, though?"
"Then why did you use it?"
"Just for something different." Purple shrugged. There was some quiet then as Purple relaxed and Red finished off the doughnuts. An ashamed and disheartened Zim started to turn off the screen to contemplate what he had just heard when he noticed his leader with the blood red eyes begin to speak. Zim cringed a bit, but didn't turn off the monitor. Maybe, he reasoned, the Tallest would finally say something good about him! Zim's antennas perked up a little with hope.
"Hey, Pur?" Red questioned, tossing the empty box to the side.
"Hmmmm?" Purple opened one eye to glance at his friend.
"Did you ever check your DNA?"
"I never needed to, so no. Why?"
"You would find out something interesting."
"What? Tell me!" Purple sat up, intrigued now.
"No, you have to on your own," Red closed his own eyes in disinterest.
"Tell me, Red! You know I'm never going to do it, so just tell me!" Purple demanded. Red chuckled and turned to him.
"Fine. It has something to do with Zim…"
"Oh, no. I'm not related to him, am I?" Purple asked in horror.
"No, otherwise I wouldn't be able to stand you."
"Then what is it?"
"Zim wasn't the first experiment. You were."
"Huh? Really?" Purple exclaimed. Red stared at him for a while, trying to keep a straight face, but failed in a fit of laughter.
"Nah, I'm just kidding!"
"Don't scare me like that!" Purple growled. He looked around for something to throw at his friend. Alas, there was none, so he just scowled darkly and crossed his arms.
"You should have seen your face! Classic!" Red continued laughing at his friend's obvious anger.
"There are times when I really don't like you."
"But there seriously is something with your DNA. Mine, too." Red started to calm down, and his tone became slightly more serious.
"What is it this time?"
"They're almost identical."
"You're not joking this time?" Purple uncrossed his arms and stared in disbelief at his co-leader.
"No, I'm not."
"If we have almost the same DNA, then why are we so different?" the violet-eyed Irken asked.
"Take two chocolate chip cookies for example," Red started, taking two cookies from a nearby table and holding one in each claw in front of his friend.
"Okay."
"They're made of the exact same recipe, right?"
"Duh. I'm not stupid," Purple retorted, mildly insulted. He re-crossed his arms and stared at the cookies, which were looking more and more delicious.
"Debatable, but moving on. Even though the cookies are made the same way, they look so different. One cookie could be thicker or thinner than the other one, and the chocolate chips could be in either the same spots or different spots."
"What does this have to do with us?"
"It's a metaphor."
"Metaphors are about cookies?"
"What? No!"
"Do I get some? What kind of recipe were they? Homemade or factory?" Purple questioned, leaning forward and staring ever more hungrily at the snacks.
"STOP FOCUSING ON THE COOKIES!" Red yelled, throwing said cookies at the other Tallest.
"But I thought that's what we were talking about!" Purple defended, picking up both cookies and starting to eat one.
"Ugh, just forget it." Red sighed in exasperation.
"You know, Red, even though we are made of the same stuff, it's obvious we can turn out very different."
"That's what I was trying to tell you all along! But you just HAD to zero in on the wrong details!" Red pointed out. Purple obliviously devoured one of the treats while his friend glared at him. After a while, the glare was finally noticed. Purple glanced up at his angry co-leader and held out the other cookie.
"Want one?"
"…okay, give me one."
"Here ya go."
"Thanks," Red accepted the cookie, and with every blissfull bite of chocolately, sugary goodness, his anger evaporated.
"So about Zim…" Purple started. Red groaned.
"What is it now?"
"Hey, it's just one thing!"
"Fine, but this is the last one!"
"He was an experiment, a test, right?"
"Yes…" Red said slowly.
"Tests can either pass or fail."
"Where are you going with this?"
"How was Zim graded?"
"Graded?"
"Duh. What are you, a Repearrot? Did he pass or fail?" Red stared at his brother, then started to speak.
Zim disconnected then, not wanting to hear Red's response. He was afraid of what it might be. It was enough that he was a freak, that his glorious leaders made fun of him behind his back. But to think that he might possibly be a failed experiment? It was too much. Even for him.
"I'm sorry, Zim," a voice behind Zim said. A black sleeved arm patted his shoulder comfortingly, and Zim slapped it away.
"You were listening the whole time, weren't you Dib-human?" the Irken muttered in disgust.
"Yeah, I was." Dib purposely left out the fact that he had been hiding on the ceiling right above Zim. He didn't want his enemy to think he was a stalker or anything like that. Zim already suspected that anyway, so no need to enforce that suspicion.
"Why were you listening in, Dib-worm?"
"Just to make sure that you don't plan anything horrible to annhiliate the human race. But this…this is messed up," Dib responded. "I hate you Zim, but you don't deserve this from your own leaders. They're cowards, both of them, for talking behind your back like that."
"You're right. Zim doesn't deserve this. And yet it happens. You were right all along, Dib. I'm a freak."
"That makes two of us. My own race makes fun of me, too. But at least they have the guts to say it to my face. Zim?"
"What?"
"Do you want me to stay or leave?"
"Stay. Zim doesn't trust himself to be alone right now."
"Okay. Do you mind if I give you a hug? That's how us human beings comfort each other."
Zim snorted disdainfully. "I may be hurt, but that doesn't mean I'm desperate, Dib-worm."
Dib grinned and attacked him with a tackle hug. Zim screeched and squirmed away. They both stared at each other, then started chuckling.
"Told you hugs make things better," Dib said, smiling.
"That was no hug! That was an attack and I should destroy you for that! But I'm not going to, just to show how much more superior I am than you." Zim smirked. He shoved Dib into the elevator, suprising his enemy. The elevator shot up, and the coils on the ceiling immediately started to attack this intruder.
Zim decided something then. He was more superior than even his leaders! The scientists had hand-picked his DNA, and even tried to give him the same growth hormone as his leaders to make him a potential Tallest! Surely that made him more amazing than any Irken in the universe! No one else in history had been created this way, so this made him one of a kind, a unique individual in a society of look-alikes. Zim didn't need his leaders. He'll just...make his own empire, and become taller than either of them! Then all of his enemies will tremble beneath his destruction...including the Dib-monkey and his gargantuan head.
Out on the Massive, the conversation continued, but not in the downward spiral Zim had expected.
"So?" Purple asked expectantly. "How was he graded?"
"He...passed..." Red grumbled reluctantly.
"How could he have passed? He nearly destroyed our civilization more than once, and blacked out half of Devastis!"
"All good points," Red admitted, scratching his head. "But that's not what he's judged on. He is judged on his survival skills and ability to destroy."
"So what?" Purple questioned. "He gave no benefit to the Irken Empire, so he should be failed!"
"Think about it for a moment, Pur. What if everybody in the military had his skills to survive through anything and be able to destroy at will, regardless of their personality? Our enemies would cower even lower beneath our insane, unkillable soldiers!"
"That would be kind of cool...but I still don't get why he passed."
"He's still alive, isn't he? Despite our efforts to end him for good?"
"Yeah..."
"Then he passed," Red concluded.
"So let me get this straight. Even though he's annoying, and short, and nearly wiped our Empire off the universal map, he is also the future model of a soldier in our ultimate army of deadly doomy doom?"
"Exactly. Savor our ability to taunt him now, Purple," Red chuckled darkly. "In the years to come, he'll probably make his own empire and become taller than either of us. Destruction will reign down on any who openly ridiculed him. It's in his blood."