Written for the Bad Fic Challenge on The Dark Lord's Most Faithful forum.
My elements were Out of Character, Slang/Jargon, and high school AU.
It was a normal day at Hogwarts, until:
" I need money!" cried Bellatrix.
" Again? Yesterday I gave you all of my money, and you already spent it? asked Andromeda.
" Fo sho. Andy, would you be so nice to give me more money? asked Bellatrix.
" No! You must find another person who is willing to pay a fortune for you"
" Cissy?"
" Don't even think about it! I don't even know on what you spend your money" said Narcissa.
" I buy expensive lingerie. I'm truly privileged to look this good without much clothes on" said Bellatrix proudly.
" But you don't even have a lover. Or do you have, and you didn't told us?" asked Andromeda.
" Yes, I have a lover! I'm sorry that I didn't told you about my sexual life" said Bellatrix with sarcasm.
" Then why doesn't he buy you nice lingerie?"
" I'm not a ho ! I'm a independent woman and I don't want to depend on his money!"
" Maybe you should take a job. This way you don't need to depend on my money anymore!"said Andromeda with hope.
" Andy, you are a genius! I will become a stripper! I always wanted to do something so promiscuous"
" Are you crazy? You can't just go in a strip club and apply for that job! People can recognise you and your reputation will be destroyed!"
" Well, that's why I will go in a muggle strip club! And you two are coming with me!"
" Okay, but we won't strip for money! We could be waiters for one night!" said Andromeda.
" Let's go then. I knew a wonderful strip club in London. We can apparate outside of the grounds of Hogwarts."
When they apparate in front of the club, Narcissa asked:
" Did you choose a stage name?"
" Amazon star is a perfect name" said Bellatrix.
Bellatrix went to the manager of the club and said with a seductive voice:
" Hi! I want to become a stripper, do you think you can help me?"
" Let's see what can you do! Strip!" said the manager.
After 5 minutes, the manager was bewitched and he gave her the job.
" Your friends want to become strippers as well?"
" NO, they want to serve drinks for one night".
" Okay, they are hired"
In the club were a few customers and Bellatrix was a bit afraid, because she was used to strip only for her boyfriend.
" Bella, that group over there is totally money. Show them what you can do!" said Andromeda.
Bellatrix went to that group of customers who appered to be important bussines men.
After a few minutes, she had them wrapped around her little finger. Meanwhile, Andromeda and Narcissa were serving drinks to customers. Narcissa almost had a heart attack when she saw Lucius Malfoy at the bar. Lucius saw her and he said:
" Hello, beautiful! Do I know you from somewhere?"
" No, I don't think so" said Narcissa.
Don't recognize me.
Don't recognize me.
Don't recognize me.
Shit! He recognized me!
"Narcissa Black? What are you doing in a muggle strip club?"
" Long story. Why are you here?"
" Business. I have an important meeting with my boss. He seems to be very entranced by your sister. Bellatrix is a bajeims!" said Lucius.
Narcissa saw that Bellatrix was kissing a very handsome man.
" Who is your boss?"
" He is the Dark Lord" said Lucius.
After a few minutes Bellatrix came to talk with Narcissa.
" How did you feel when you kissed the Dark Lord?"
" He is a good kisser, but he didn't spend any money and he tried to play Captain Save a Ho!"
" How much money did you make so far?"
" $1,000"
" Wow, you really have talent!"
" Of course I have! I'm the best in the business!" said proudly Bellatrix.
Meanwhile, Andromeda was talking with a boy.
" Are you Andromeda Black?"
" Yes, do I know you?"
" I'm Ted Tonks, we are in the same year at Hogwarts"
" Now I remember you. Aren't you a mudblood ?"
" Yes, I am, but I prefer the term muggle-born"said Ted.
" Whatever you say, darling" said Andromeda with sarcasm.
" I saw your sister on the stage. Does she have the legal age?"
" Bellatrix is 17 years old, so she has the legal age".
" If you become a stripper as well, I will be your regular!"
" It's good to know that".
Bellatrix was talking with the Dark Lord:
" If you wanted to spend more time with me, all you had to do was ask!"
" You really should join my cause! I need a witch like you".
" Bella, let's go at Hogwarts. Its very late and professors will observe our absence", said Andromeda.
" Okay"
Suddenly, Albus Dumbledore and Minerva Mcgonagall apparate in the club.
" Professor Dumbledore, professor Mcgonagall, how did you found us?"asked Bellatrix.
" We weren't looking for you. Every friday we go to this club" said Dumbledore.
" Dumbledore? What are you doing here?" asked the Dark Lord.
" Tom, it's good to see you! Are you recruiting witches again?"
" What can I say...Bellatrix is the best!"
" Thank you for the compliment! I'm sorry, but I only do clean dances" said Bellatrix.
" No problem. If you become a death eater we could do a lot of things together!" said Voldemort.
"I feel pretty, Oh so pretty,I feel pretty and witty and gay. And I pity any girl who isn't me today ! I feel charming,Oh so charming, it's alarming how charming I feel. And so pretty that I hardly can believe I'm real!" sang Narcissa.
" Cissy, are you drunk?" asked Lucius.
" Yes, muggles really know how to do a drink" said Narcissa.
" He don't love you like I love you, if he did, he wouldn't break your heart, he don't love you like I love you, he's try-in' to tear us apart!" Voldemort declared.
" I'm not your lover! My boyfriend, Rodolphus, loves me very much and the only thing you feel for me is lust!" said Bellatrix.
" You're sixteen, you're beautiful and you're mine, you're my baby, you're my pet, we fell in love on the night we met! sang Ted.
" Ted, I'm not your baby or your pet! I don't love you!" said Andromeda.
" But you will love me and we will have a girl who would hate her name!"
" That will happen when Bellatrix becomes the Dark Lord's mistress"
" I want somebody to hold my hand, somebody to love me and understand, I want a woman (woman), I want a lover (a lover),I want a friend (a woman, a lover, a friend)"said Lucius.
" I'll be your lover anytime, Lucius!" declared Narcissa.
" Nothing you could say can tear me away from my guy ,nothing you could do 'Cause I'm stuck like glue to my guy, I'm stickin' to my guy like a stamp to a letter, like the birds of a feather! We stick together I'm tellin' you from the start I can't be torn apart from my guy!" said Bellatrix.
" You will be my mistress, you'll see!" declared Voldemort.
"When you feel that you can make it alone, remember no one is big enough to go it alone, just ask the lonely, they know the hurt and pain of losing a love you can never regain!" sang Andromeda.
"I'm waiting for my man, twenty-six dollars in my hand, up to Lexington, 125, feeling sick and dirty, more dead than alive, I'm waiting for my man" said Minerva.
"There's a place I eat lunch every day, soon as I get there, the jukebox starts to play, I can't even eat my lunch in peace, 'Cause music makes me get out of my seat! I just can't stop dancin' (No, no, I don't wanna stop). I just can't stop dancin' (No, no, no)" sang Albus.
" Are you aware of the fact that people look at us like we're retarded?" asked Andromeda.
" I don't care! They can kiss my ass! I need to go on the stage, I have clients " responded Bellatrix.
" I'll miss you!" said Voldemort.
" For the last time I tell you: you are just a customer to me!" cried Bellatrix.
" I can't believe: I just got customerzoned!" said Voldemort.
" Poor you! At least you didn't get brotherzoned" said Dumbledore.
" Let's have a moment of silence for our fallen brother in the customerzoned!" said Ted.
After a few minutes Lucius asked Narcissa to marry him.
" Dear Cissy, I know that you're only 15 years old, but when I saw you serving drinks I fall in love with you! Marry me and I promise you that we will have a son named Draco and he will be incredible handsome!"
" Of course I will marry you! When I saw you drinking so much wine I knew that we were meant to be together!" said Narcissa.
" It makes me cry to see such a beautiful couple!" cried Voldemort.
" Tom, don't cry! I didn't know that you are so sensible " said Dumbledore.
" I can be sensible only in my spare time. I don't want my followers to see me in this state! I have a reputation to keep!"
" Oh, I didn't know that you have a sensible side! Now I want to be your mistress because your tears turns me on!" said Bellatrix.
" I knew that you can't resist my charm!"
" That means that I must run away with you, Ted, and have a daughter who will hate her name. Let's go at your place! Bellatrix, Narcissa, you will hate me but I must marry a mudblood!" said Andromeda.
" Let's go then!" said Ted.
" I will miss her, but now she isn't my sister anymore so I can't speak with her!"
" I'm sure that Bellatrix will kill Andromeda's daughter" said Narcissa.
" I will finally get laid! I can't wait to do things to Bellatrix which are illegal in California!" said Voldemort.
" Rodolphus is still my boyfriend, but he can't compare with you!"
" Minerva, do you think we should return to Hogwarts?" asked Dumbledore.
" Yes, I think that it will be a good idea. We don't want students to find out that we are gone. Bellatrix, Narcissa, it's time to go back at school!" said Minerva.
" See you later, my Lord!" flirted Bellatrix.
" I will visit you anytime you want to see me!"
" Tom, you can't have sex with Bellatrix at Hogwarts! In your manor you can do anything you want with her" said Dumbledore.
" Bellatrix, you should marry Rodolphus so nobody will suspect that we're lovers!"
" Okay. Tomorrow I will tell him to ask my hand in marriage" said Bellatrix.
" I think we should all go to Hogwarts and have a party!"
" That's a splendid idea! Let's go then!"
Bellatrix, Narcissa, Voldemort, Lucius, Dumbledore and Minerva apparated in Minerva's office. On the floor were six shot glasses and an impressive selection of hard liquor.
" Let's play the game I Never. The rules are simple. We take turns telling something we have never done. Anyone who has done the thing someone else says, takes a shot. Lucius, you may have the first turn".
" I never slept with Bellatrix"
Bellatrix drank. Surprisingly, so did Dumbledore.
" It was a one night stand" explained Dumbledore.
" I never had sex without using protection" said Narcissa.
Voldemort took his first shot, and Bellatrix and Dumbledore both drank as well.
"I never cheated on my partner" said Dumbledore.
Bellatrix and Minerva both drank.
" I never failed an exam in school" said Minerva.
Nobody drank.
" I never participated in a threesome" said Bellatrix.
Everyone else drank.
" I never had sexual relations with a member of the same sex" said Voldemort.
Dumbledore drank.
" I never had sex in my parents' bed" said Lucius.
Bellatrix drank, as did Dumbledore and Minerva.
" I never lied about myself to get laid" said Narcissa.
Voldemort and Dumbledore both drank.
"I never did it in public" said Dumbledore.
Minerva drank.
" I never... Fuck this game! Let's tell horror stories" said Minerva.
"Me first! I will tell you a muggle horror story: One snowy, bitterly cold December night, a woman was driving home alone from a Christmas party. She had not had that much to drink, but she was very tired. The old road she was driving on was very dark and lonely, and it was surrounded by a forest. The woman groaned as she realized she was almost out of gas. She pulled over into a gas station a couple miles down the road. When she went in to pay (no self serve here!), the clerk was acting very weird. He filled her tank, then grabbed her and pulled her off to the side. "There is a problem with your card, and you need to come in so we can figure it out." The lady was scared now, and it didn't help when, after dragging her inside, he pulled a knife. The lady didn't stick around to find out why. She rushed to her car and sped off. In her rear view mirror, she saw him get into his pickup truck and follow her. She was very scared now. Every few minutes, he turned on his high beams, and her car was flooded with light. Eventually, in a last, desperate attempt to lose him, she veered left and then quickly made a screeching turn right, onto the private road that led to her house. It worked. Now that she could relax, she listened to the radio. The announcer informed the audience that there was an escaped convict, who was in for a mass murder he had committed. He was missing his right hand, and in it's place, he wore a hook. She was already scared enough, so tried to ignore this, although she thought in the back of her mind that it may be the gas station guy. Then she remembered: she had to baby sit that night! She hurried home, and when she got out, she stared in horror at a hook hanging from her door. Now she knew it was the gas station guy. She was glad she escaped that guy. She walked inside. "At least he didn't follow me" she thought. She could finally relax. She would put the kids to bed, then call the police and tell them what happened. It wasn't urgent, or so she thought, because she didn't know where he was anyways. When she put the children to bed, she didn't bother to turn on the lights, but she noticed a creepy clown statue." How could you like that? She thought? Oh well, it's their house." When she went downstairs to watch some T.V, she thought she saw footprints besides hers leading away from her car. She was tired, so she ignored it. She forgot all about her little run-in at the gas station. She was just drifting to sleep when the phone rang. Maybe it's the parents, and I can go home soon. At least I live a only few blocks down." It wasn't the parents. An unfamiliar voice spoke to her. "I'm coming to kill you soon." Heavy breathing, then a dial tone. She thought nothing of it, just a prank call. When it happened again, and he replaced "soon" with " in a few minutes" she got scared. "If it's my friends, I'll kill them." A little while later, just when she was getting into the television program, she thought she saw a clown standing just outside her window. She called a neighbor, but they didn't see anything outside the house. "Man, I'm so tired I'm hallucinating" She thought. Not ten seconds after she hung up, the phone rang again. It was the stranger. "I'm almost there" he said. Now the girl was scared. This wasn't one of her friends, they wouldn't go this far with it. She called the police, and informed them of what had happened. The policeman on the other end told her that they would call back after they traced his next call. The girl went to the kitchen and grabbed a butcher knife. She was freaked out. She sat huddled in the corner, and completely forgot about the kids. Then, her stomach dropped the phone began to ring. She sat there, staring at it, not wanting to answer it. But she had to, so the police could trace it. " Hello?" she said feebly. " It won't be long now." he said. The girl was scared to tears. The police called. "Get out of the house! Those calls are coming from a cell phone upstairs!" The girl screamed when she heard a door open upstairs, and saw a bloody clown walking down the stairs. She ran out, and down the road, she ran into the police cars. They found the killer, and confirmed that the killer was the escaped one they were looking for. They found a grocery bag with a knife, clown wig, and cell phone upstairs. The kids were dead, with blood splattered all over the walls. The girl realized that the killer was in her car, and that was the reason for the gas station clerk's odd behavior. Those were the killer's footprints, and he was standing right behind her, not outside the window. It was his hook. When they loaded him into the police car, he said, " Call you back later."
That night, at her home, of course the girl was so scared she could not sleep. Then, as she was watching the news, a breaking story came in. "The policemen taking the convicted murderer back to jail were found dead, and the killer was nowhere in sight." The girl started to cry. "Oh no!" she ran downstairs, only to find the door slightly open, and big, clown shoe sized bloody and snowy footprints came into her house. She turned around, and the phone rang..." said Bellatrix.
" Muggles really know how to scare people!" said Lucius.
" I will tell you another story: A girl was babysitting at a friend's house and it was for her friend's two younger brothers. The family she sat for had this odd looking clown statue standing in the corner of the living room almost life sized. It was just sooo creepy, she couldn't keep from looking at it every so often. Eventually, it got darker and she sent the two boys to bed. She went back downstairs to watch T.V. while she waited for her friend to call.
The clown just stood there with an eerie smile on it's face and a weird look in its unmoving eyes. She couldn't take any more of the weirdness, so she covered up the clown statue with a bed sheet. She quickly fell asleep after shutting the lamp light off. Suddenly she woke up and the sheet had slid off the clown statue. It stood there looking at her the same way. Almost immediately, the phone rang and she answered it. It was her friend.
"Yeah every thing's fine," said the babysitter, "I just have a problem with that weird clown statue in your guys' living room. It creeps the heck out of me."
There was silence on the other line...
"We don't have a clown statue in our living room. We never did."
The babysitter was struck silent by what her friend had just said. Then her friend said very slowly.
"Get out of the house now."...
After the babysitter quickly grabbed the kids and ran out of the house, the police arrived just minutes later with the news of a possibly dangerous intruder. The baby sitter learned that the criminal clown was an escapee, recently convicted of three murders from a neighboring city.
She also learned that the police searched the rest of the house and there was one thing missing that they found later on the clowns person after he'd been arrested...a carving knife from the kitchen".
" This story is really scared me, and I wonder how can you speak so coherently after you drank so much!"
" I'm the best, what can I say!" said Bellatrix.
" And you are very modest too! No wonder you are the Dark Lord's mistress!" said Albus Dumbledore.
After that, they all went to bed, because they were really tired.
A/N: I know I made many mistakes, but I made them on purpose since this story is from The Bad Fic Challenge.
Ho = Whore.
Fo sho = for sure,of course or definitely.
Money= A customer or group of customers that are spending.
Bajeims = a slang word for women, hot girls etc.
Captain Save-A-Ho= Guy that comes into the club trying to "save the girls", tells them they're too pretty to work there, to smart to work there. Often offers an alternative lifestyle to the dancer's current, mostly one that involves running away with him.
Regular= A customer that comes to the club to see a certain girl, often.
Clean dances= Dances where the dancer doesn't do anything that could be considered prostitution (hand jobs, blow jobs, sex).