I saw Barriss was declared the Temple bomber. Made no sense to me. She was firmly in the light both in the TV series and in the EU books/comics/etc. Why didn't anyone give a reason why she turned? Unless they're waiting for Season 6 so they can explain themselves. Which they better. *sigh* It is really, really frustrating...
Disclaimer: NOT mine, although if it was, I'd give Barriss a reason to turn to the dark.
Only a few more steps. A young girl stumbled down the hallway, towards the Room of a Thousand Fountains. She was almost there.
Tears threatened to blind her. How could this have happened? How could she have missed the signs? At last, she stumbled into the room, the scenery acting as a barrier against all the emotions pounding against her exterior.
Why, Barriss? Her mind screamed. How could you have turned on us like that? How could Ahsoka, or even I, have prevented this? You were the perfect, the most obedient padawan! What happened to you?
The war. Almost as soon as she had asked the question, the answer came to mind. It was this stupid, kriffing war. Full of darkness, full of death. One battle won, only to have three more spring up in their place. Conflicts sprung up between their Code and what they were forced to do to bring this war to a close. She scrubbed at her eyes, clearing away the few tears that escaped.
She had now approached the waterfalls. Using the Force, she leaped onto a ledge, then another one, and one more before arriving at the entrance to the caves inside. She ignored the veil of water she passed through; she could have been run through in her current emotional state and she wouldn't have given a damn.
Wet and dripping, she made her way further in the caves, garnering a few bruises and scrapes along the way. Her destination: the very center of the rocky interior. In the heart that lay underneath the waterfall was a vast cavern. It wasn't as big as most caves she had visited, including Ilum, but it would help shield her from prying eyes as she expressed her grief, as it had many times before.
Eyes completely cleared, she rounded a corner to see a seated Jedi Master, facing out into the expanse of the chasm. One in particular whom she really hadn't desired to see, not tonight. She stood as if frozen. She turned and was about to leave when a voice interrupted her movements.
"Stay." Almost as an afterthought, she added, "Please?" The voice was soft and the words weighed with grief and sorrow. With a sigh, the girl turned back around and sat down next to the Jedi Master. The rushing water soothed her irritated spirit a little, but not a lot. She breathed in, then out. Glancing sideways, she noticed the woman doing the same thing. It struck her then that she was probably suffering much more than she let on.
"I – I, I am sorry, Master," she choked out. "Really I am."
"Call me Luminara, young one," the older woman said, turning suddenly to face her. "Formalities are not necessary when grief is shared."
"Then call me Ani," the girl returned, meeting her look and returning it.
"Agreed." They looked back out to the chasm. "You were a good friend of Barriss, yes?"
"I was." Ani swallowed the lump forming at the back of her throat. "She helped me learn Mirialan tradition, was one of the first to welcome me here, in fact."
"Ah." Luminara hesitated. "She loves – always loved – to act as an older sister. She was thrilled at being a role model."
"She was a good friend." The memories rushed back, begging to be remembered, and as quickly as they came, so did her mouth run. "Sometimes, she told me, she hated being a role model. Said it was too much pressure for her to deal with. She never hesitated in teaching me the Code, even when I couldn't – or wouldn't – understand." The girl smiled wistfully. "We had many good 'debates', with me usually being the instigator."
"Barriss loved to debate, always politely, not the full-fledged verbal assaults that are the Senate. Very rarely did she lose her temper." The older woman's lips quirked up. "Once, she got tired of debating with a fellow youngling and, trying to persuade him, she flung her tray of mashed taters and gravy into his face, leading into a full-fledged food fight."
"That had been fun," Ani agreed, a small smile coming over her face. Luminara turned to look at her again.
"You were involved, weren't you?" It wasn't a question.
"Barriss mentioned me?"
"Only in a well-placed hint that not everything was truly as it seems." She held the young one's gaze. "Did you throw that tray?" Ani grinned.
"Barriss wanted to make a point. I felt his thoughts redirect towards the food served that day, so I told Barriss to lift up her tray. As soon as she did, a little Force push did the rest." Luminara gave a small laugh.
"She mentioned you a lot," she said. "She was appalled by your lack of focus, but one of the things she admired about you was that you never stopped trying to keep other beings' spirits up." The Jedi Master hesitantly laid a hand on the young one's shoulder, ignoring the almost-imperceptible flinch that accompanied most touches. "Don't lose that."
"Okay," Ani swallowed hard. "I, um, uh… Barriss admired your dedication to the Force." It came so suddenly that Luminara was startled. "I mean, she sometimes complained about your inaction or your stubbornness, especially later in the war, but she admired your dedication." Silence.
"Thank you," Luminara said. Knowing that touched her deeply, even though she'd deny it. "Look, I know it's hard, but we can make it past this."
"Right," Ani said, staring at her feet. "Mast – Luminara, may I say something?" At the older woman's nod, she continued, "The more I think about it, the more I think Barriss may have had a point."
"Why do you say that?" Luminara asked gently.
"Maybe because it could be true!" Ani shouted. "I mean, we Jedi have to make decisions that conflict with our Code, and that would have never happened if this war hadn't started!" She jumped up and began to pace. "We're always fighting, never bringing peace, never trying to stop this bloody war!" Luminara got up and went to the youngling.
"Ani," she said, "I know you're mad at Barriss, for her decisions and her turn to the dark side. Don't let her words affect your judgment. She turned to the dark side."
"I agree that what she did wasn't right, but maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge her motives," Ani shot back. "Maybe she wanted us to see that maybe we were on the wrong path, that we should have done more to stay out of this war or at least end it sooner. Maybe she just wanted to spare anymore Jedi from dying like so many have before. Maybe… ugh, I don't know." The girl returned to the edge and peered down into the depths. Luminara came over and stood with her, allowing silence to come back.
The Jedi Master heard the girl next to her start to sniffle. Sympathy rose, unchecked for once. The war was tough enough already. No one should have to see her friend and idol fall to the dark side. She turned and placed a hand on the girl's shoulder. The youngling turned towards her, eyes bright with unshed tears. A choked sob bubbled out of the girl's throat.
Ani threw herself towards Luminara and latched onto her with a hug, breaking down into sobs. Luminara returned the hug and felt her eyes tear up once again, this time granting them passage. Both mourned the same young woman: to the master, Barriss had been like a daughter, bordering on younger sister, and to the youngling, Barriss had been like an older sister she had never had, someone who taught her things and encouraged her to do better. More than a Jedi had been lost to the dark side.
"Why?" Ani sobbed into the dark cloth. "Why did she turn? What happened to her? Why didn't she say anything before? Why didn't anyone try to stop this? It's not fair!"
"Sshh," Luminara soothed. "I don't know, young one. We have been separated for so long, waging war on either side of the galaxy. When we would get together, we rarely shared our experiences. We only had time to discuss tactics and strategies, never," she swallowed, "for the aftermath. Maybe… maybe if we – I had tried to connect with her more, tried to discuss what we faced, this wouldn't have happened." She looked down at the young one, still holding on in that famous death grip of hers.
"War has brought out the worst in everyone, little one, even in us Jedi. We have not adapted to this conflict, as we should. No," she held up a hand, forestalling the argument perched on the girl's lips, "not that we should change the Code to suit the circumstances of the war, but we should have done more to prepare ourselves for the vigors and darkness that inevitably comes with war." She paused. "This war is akin to the Trials a padawan must face in order to become a Knight, although much darker and more violent. I fear that this war will turn many Jedi into corpses, and the ones left over scarred and broken by the horrors."
"Barriss was right, then." Blue-green eyes met deep blue ones. "The Jedi have lost their way. We are fighting a battle that shouldn't have continued, the ones continuing this conflict. We are to blame."
"No." Gripping the young one by her shoulders, the older Jedi maintained eye contact. "Mistakes we make and will make, yes. However, this war was started by Count Dooku and the Separatists, waged against the Republic and the ideals it stands on. We Jedi keep the darkness from consuming the Republic, not aiding in its destructive path. The Republic won't fall as long as we are around to defend it against the darkness." Ani's eyes turned sad.
"But what if the Republic is meant to fall, and we're too blind to see it?"
"What if it isn't?" Luminara responded gently. "Only the Force knows what is going to happen. All that matters is that we listen and respond to its call, protecting what we hold dear from being destroyed by the Separatists."
"That's just it. What if the darkness we're fighting against is really in the Republic we're fighting for?" Seeing Luminara's uncertain look, she added defensively, "And you can't say it's not that powerful because even the crèchelings here at the Temple can feel it. I can feel it."
Luminara sighed. How to answer that question? She couldn't deny the pressing veil of darkness that had grown over the years. The source was as yet unknown. Barriss had believed that it came from within the Republic, but there was no way to confirm or deny what she said.
"There is no way to know if what Barriss said was true," she stated, keeping her hands on the young one's shoulders. "All we can do is fight against the dark, keeping our belief in the Force and each other strong. Someday, the Force will reveal to us the source of the darkness. Each battle won will aid in the defeat of the dark." Ani seemed to accept this, her eyes burning into Luminara's. She suddenly leaned into the Jedi Master.
"I hate waiting," she muttered.
"I know."
"I hate this war and the Jedi who die in it. Everyone's either dead, dying, or going to die. I also hate Barriss for not telling anyone and Ahsoka for leaving. They were some of the best Jedi in the Order, and now they're gone! I hate…" Luminara listened as the youngling ranted on, knowing that grief was the fuel for the words. Once the youngling ceased, she said, "I don't really hate them, Master. I – I – I'm just… frustrated."
"So am I, young one," Luminara murmured back, giving a hug to the initiate. "So am I." Lectures on controlling emotions and thoughts could come later. Sadness and grief would be allowed free reign tonight. The war caused many things to be pushed back in the dark recesses of the mind, including turbulent emotions that resulted from the fighting. All too often meditation and other Jedi activities were abandoned due to the burden the war placed on them. This was a chance to open up and allow the grief to wash all that away. Allowing their near-human selves the rare privilege of not having to be Jedi at the moment was necessary.
A comrade, a friend, had fallen. Now was the time to grieve.
Now was the time to let the tears fall.
I hope you enjoyed it. Please tell me what you think of it.
~Ani